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Disclaimer: This post deals with the adult topic of how to pleasure a woman. You need to know that today I’m bringing my usual frankness to the topic of female pleasure.

If you’re a man not into pleasuring your woman, or a woman not into being pleasured then that’s cool. (Although you need to know that I pity you.)

How to Stay Married

Ladies (and brave gentlemen), imagine my shocked delight, and, yes, trepidation, when Jeff recently surprised me with two tickets to a class on cunnilingus.

What could possibly be on his mind with this wild, bold, unexpected move? It wasn’t like I thought he needed lessons!

But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t seriously intrigued, and titillated. And scared. Because it’s not like we go around doing that sort of thing.

Nope. Not us. We aren’t kinks. We don’t go in for that sort of thing. We like to keep our sex life private from prying eyes. And besides, I’m sure we’ve everything we need to know about sex on the quad in junior high like everybody else.

But there he was, handsome and beguiling, standing there with a sly smile, and two tickets to a class on Creative Cunnilingus clamped between his very white teeth. How could I resist?

The Little Man in the Boat

163978662Now gentlemen, if you’re looking for a way to let your woman know that it is your ultimate goal to bring her extreme orgasmic pleasure before she dries up and dies, I’m not sure there’s a better place to start than by taking her to a class all about bringing more row to her little man in the boat.

And if you’ve never heard of the “little man in the boat” you’ve come to the right blog post.

As the class date neared, truth be told, I found myself feeling more anxious than titillated. Fraught with a sudden case of performance anxiety, I sort of didn’t want to go.

What weird people would take a class like that? I mean other than us?

What if we had a big fight in the middle of class and everybody knew that our sex life wasn’t perfect 100% of the time? Like everybody else’s is, I’m sure.

What if I felt awkward and uncomfortable. What if the teacher made us feel inadequate or embarrassed us?

What if we showed up and there was Show and Tell!?

Oh, so many thoughts ran through my nervous little mind.

We had an hour’s drive to get the class which was held in our favorite little town, Ashland, in Oregon.

If you’ve never been to Ashland, Oregon, then you must go. I mean it. Like right now. Pack your bags and go there. It’s a veritable fantasyland for the middle-aged. And the perfect place to have a delicious dinner, and learn about cunnilingus.

The class was hosted by a little shop in Ashland called, Love Revolution. Love Revolution bills itself as a “sexuality boutique” that sells “artful gifts for the discerning lover.”

It’s a lovely store on the main strip of Ashland. You won’t find any creepy latex butts molded after the latest porn-star de jour, or scary men in long coats slinking around in the shadows. (Yeah, I’ve been to an adult store or two in my life.)

What you will find are two lovely owners (who appear completely normal) with a passion for helping people claim their sexual lives, and live them more sensually. (Pssst. They ship, too. Just sayin’)

I love this store because it is super Woman-Friendly. The front of the store carries romantic gifts and lingerie, and all the hardware is displayed tastefully behind a discreet screen in the back. (If you want to read what I have to say about sex toys click here.)

Right away the owners make you feel at home by answering any and all of your questions, or just leaving you the hell alone if that’s what you’d like instead.

It’s such a friendly place that I once took my daughter there while running an errand, and introduced her around to the owners. She says that was embarrassing.

Okay, back to the class. I know that’s why you’re here.

As we climbed the stairs to the class I was quite nervous. I wanted to bolt. But when we turned into the room, what to my wondering eyes did a appear but a class filled with very normal people coming together to learn more about female pleasure.

Right away I noticed that the teacher M. Makael Newby has the whitest teeth on Planet Earth.  Since everyone knows how much I like good teeth you know that I instantly liked her.

mmakaelnewby (1)She started off the class with a story that did make me wonder for a minute where the whole thing was going, but turns out the story was just an ice-breaker.

Her frank and humorous take on pleasuring a woman orally reassured us both that we were in very good hands, and that we could trust that she wouldn’t take us anywhere we didn’t want to go.

The best part of the class–other than her completely adorable demeanor (and blindingly white teeth)–was Makaela’s oversized satin vagina puppet! Go on. You know you want to click to see it! It’s safe. It’s Facebook.

With her  puppet well in hand, Makaela took us on a fascinating tour of the vulva. She talked about the fact that what we usually call the clitoris is really only the tip of the iceberg, and that the entire clitoris actually is a large as a man’s penis with both as much erectile tissue, and as many nerve endings.

She talked about all the different “styles” of vaginas. Of course, as a labor and delivery RN I already know that every woman is different and that no two flowers are exactly alike.

Isn’t it funny that we rejoice that no two snowflakes are alike, but expect all vaginas to be?

Her tips on g-spot stimulation were particularly interesting since I’ve never been a g-spot.sort of girl. (Until now!)

On the long drive home we had a chance to talk a lot about the class and what we learned. Talking is always a woman’s best aphrodisiac.   I can promise you that my husband was handsomely rewarded for going above and beyond the call of a dutiful husband. Oh, I had a good time, too.

What about you? Would you go with your husband to a class like this? Do you want to hear what I learned about the g-spot?

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Rachel-babyFor those of you who don’t know, one week ago today a five-week old baby boy was placed in my daughter’s arms. And just like that, I became a grandma!

Currently all is forgiven between me and God.

No, I haven’t changed my mind about Him. I still think He runs this planet on a wing and a prayer. But at this point, gazing into this little boy’s beautiful eyes, if a wing and a prayer is what it took to bring him to us, then who am I to argue?

And since I am so quick to complain about God, let me be the first to admit that His timing here has been nothing short of miraculous.

Score One to Team God!

I became a grandmother one year–to the day–almost to the exactly minute–that my daughter and her husband found out that the prospects of biological children were dim. That discovery was devastating to us all, but I was so wrapped up with my marriage, and my impending surgery that I didn’t register how strongly I was impacted by it.

Only later, after my daughter seemed to come to a peace, did I fall completely apart over it.

Life is Unfair

I’m a labor and delivery RN. Here I’ve poured my heart and life into helping women birth babies for the past 20+ years and the only birth I really down-to-my-toes cared to attend would never, ever happen? How unfair is that?

And let’s not forget the part that God isn’t altogether too picky about who He’s handing babies out to today. Notice that you don’t see crackheads lining up for infertility treatments, do you? No. It’s lovely couples with college degrees and good homes that seem to suffer the most from this problem.

While coming to terms with the fact that my own daughter was to be denied biological children, God’s been handing them out like candy to just about everyone else. And I am expected to stand there with a smile on my face, holding the candy dish.

So lately, as some of my readers have noticed, there’s been a lot of wailing and gnashing of teeth on my part about what I perceive as a huge biological injustice.

Can I just take one minute to remind everybody who might judge me for being a bad Christian–and not racing to rejoice in this sad turn of biological fate–that Abraham and Sarah were pretty desperate to have a biological child? So it isn’t exactly as though this desire of mine is unprecedented in Scripture.

But while I was bitching and moaning, my daughter was filling out paperwork, attending classes, and preparing her heart for a baby.

Surprise!

Two weeks ago, with no baby on the horizon, Rachel’s friends threw her a surprise baby shower as a demonstration of their commitment to a baby that they hoped was coming.

When I first heard about this shower I had some reservations. And as the date of the party grew closer I started to worry. A lot.

Would having a house full of baby things, and no baby, encourage my daughter, or break her heart? I just wasn’t sure. I crowd-sourced my closest friends’ and was advised that I should do nothing, and let the party happen without interference.

I still worried.

Timing is Everything

The day before the surprise shower, my daughter and son-in-law received a call from their social worker about a newborn who needed placement. The baby’s social worker wanted to come the very next week to evaluate their  home as a possibility.

That day my daughter and I took a long walk and she talked excitedly about this baby. And she did something she’d not done before; she asked for her bassinet.

The Bassinet

When I was pregnant with Rachel, my mother-in-law made me this beautiful bassinet out of eyelet lace and colored ribbon. It was an extravagance for a newly married, and very poor, couple. For years this bassinet has sat boxed up and waiting for the day a grandbaby would grace it with its presence. And now my daughter wanted it.

My fears about the shower vanished. I knew my daughter was ready to start hoping.

Just maybe I could start hoping again, too.

 

bassinet

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All Good Things Must Come to an End

Word on the street is that Chloeofthemountain.com will soon be no more. I know. You were just now getting over the season finale of Downton Abbey…     …and now this?!?! Kill Your Darlings William Faulkner said, “In writing, you must kill your darlings.” And while I love her madly, sadly, Chloe of the Mountain [...]

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Man Candy: Valentine’s Edition

I’ve always thought Humphrey Bogart was sexy even though I figure his breath had to be fairly horrible what with the alcohol, bad teeth, and the constant cigarettes. Apparently Loren Bacall didn’t mind. Whenever I catch her on Turner Classic Movies teaching Bogey how to whistle, I study her face closely for any signs of [...]

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My Valentine’s Manifesto

It’s February, and as every terrified man living on Planet Hallmark knows, February is the month when a woman’s fancy turns to Romance with a capital $$$. Even though I’m pretty savvy and cynical, and most definitely onto Hallmark’s game, come this time of year my mind always makes a small break with financial reality [...]

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Decision Making: Part 2 (Beard it is!)

As several of you pointed out on my last post, if your choice really was between being bald forever, or having a beard you could never shave off, bald would seem the no-brainer. Bald can be hidden under a wig, or maybe a jaunty scarf. Beard is tougher for a woman to pull off. Unless you’re [...]

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Decision Making: Part 1

Ever put off making a seriously tough decision because it didn’t seem you had any good choices in front of you?   How does one choose between Choice A which will result in you losing all of your hair forever, or Choice B that will cause you to grow a beard you can never shave off. Okay, [...]

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In Her Fashion

This post is part of a BlogHop with the lovely ladies of Generation Fabulous*. Today’s topic is: “My Biggest Fashion Mistake”. Fashion Trends Born in 1961, I was a pudgy little girl during the reign of Twiggy, which didn’t help my self-esteem much. And the 70s were even worse. Those would be the years not just [...]

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They Should Have Called it “Juicy Fruit”

“So how about that vaginal moisturizer review, huh? Where the hell is it, Chloe? You promised us a review of our product if we sent you a 10-day sample, and so far you’ve given us bupkis.“* All true. As a product-reviewer I suck. But Hyalo GYN®, the product I was given to review, doesn’t suck. [...]

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Life Goes On

Years ago–alright it really was only last year–the end of last year–I was gifted a sample of a new vaginal moisturizer after I asked the PR rep for some and promised her I’d review it. I tried it out, really liked it, and had every intention in the world of running right over here to [...]

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