On April 22nd, I appeared on a panel of female midlife online thought-leaders (don’t try to say that with marbles in your mouth). I wrote about it here.
Currently all is forgiven between me and God.
No, I haven’t changed my mind about Him. I still think He runs this planet on a wing and a prayer. But at this point, gazing into this little boy’s beautiful eyes, if a wing and a prayer is what it took to bring him to us, then who am I to argue?
And since I am so quick to complain about God, let me be the first to admit that His timing here has been nothing short of miraculous.
Score One to Team God!
I became a grandmother one year–to the day–almost to the exactly minute–that my daughter and her husband found out that the prospects of biological children were dim. That discovery was devastating to us all, but I was so wrapped up with my marriage, and my impending surgery that I didn’t register how strongly I was impacted by it.
Life is Unfair
I’m a labor and delivery RN. Here I’ve poured my heart and life into helping women birth babies for the past 20+ years and the only birth I really down-to-my-toes cared to attend would never, ever happen? How unfair is that?
And let’s not forget the part that God isn’t altogether too picky about who He’s handing babies out to today. Notice that you don’t see crackheads lining up for infertility treatments, do you? No. It’s lovely couples with college degrees and good homes that seem to suffer the most from this problem.
While coming to terms with the fact that my own daughter was to be denied biological children, God’s been handing them out like candy to just about everyone else. And I am expected to stand there with a smile on my face, holding the candy dish.
So lately, as some of my readers have noticed, there’s been a lot of wailing and gnashing of teeth on my part about what I perceive as a huge biological injustice.
Can I just take one minute to remind everybody who might judge me for being a bad Christian–and not racing to rejoice in this sad turn of biological fate–that Abraham and Sarah were pretty desperate to have a biological child? So it isn’t exactly as though this desire of mine is unprecedented in Scripture.
Two weeks ago, with no baby on the horizon, Rachel’s friends threw her a surprise baby shower as a demonstration of their commitment to a baby that they hoped was coming.
When I first heard about this shower I had some reservations. And as the date of the party grew closer I started to worry. A lot.
Would having a house full of baby things, and no baby, encourage my daughter, or break her heart? I just wasn’t sure. I crowd-sourced my closest friends’ and was advised that I should do nothing, and let the party happen without interference.
I still worried.
Timing is Everything
The day before the surprise shower, my daughter and son-in-law received a call from their social worker about a newborn who needed placement. The baby’s social worker wanted to come the very next week to evaluate their home as a possibility.
That day my daughter and I took a long walk and she talked excitedly about this baby. And she did something she’d not done before; she asked for her bassinet.
When I was pregnant with Rachel, my mother-in-law made me this beautiful bassinet out of eyelet lace and colored ribbon. It was an extravagance for a newly married, and very poor, couple. For years this bassinet has sat boxed up and waiting for the day a grandbaby would grace it with its presence. And now my daughter wanted it.
My fears about the shower vanished. I knew my daughter was ready to start hoping.
Just maybe I could start hoping again, too.