101 Reasons Not to Blog

by Chloe Jeffreys · 38 comments

in Blogging, pp

        1. You’ll never make money from your blog.
        2. Face it.
        3. You won’t.
        4. Unless you started blogging before 2007.
        5. And your husband just happens to be a Farmer or a Rancher.
        6. Or willing to allow you to portray him as a douchbag.
        7. Which my husband isn’t.
        8.  First, you’ll have to find a niche.
        9. But there are already a hundred gazillion blogs on every topic under the sun.
        10. In fact, every niche is taken.
        11. Everybody and YOUR brother has a blog.
        12. And most of them suck.
        13. Yours probably will suck too.
        14. Chances are very high.
        15. And because the market is already glutted with sucky blogs,
        16. you’d be better off buying a Mary Kay franchise.
        17. Because even if you do find a niche and have something called a unique voice
        18. Blogging will suck up all your spare time.
        19. Because to be a successful blogger you also have to be a master of Social Media.
        20. Between Twitter, Facebook, Google+ you’ll have no time to write.
        21. At all.
        22. Blogging will cause your life to fall completely apart.
        23. And if real people in your life find your blog then you can’t write about them anymore.
        24. Especially not your boss.
        25. Or  your weird neighbor.
        26. Or your co-workers.
        27. Or your pastor.
        28. Or your mother-in-law
        29. Or anyone left living that you know.
        30. You’ll find yourself hoping that people you know will die so you can write about them.
        31. Except now they’ll be mad at you because you just wrote that you hope they will die.
        32. Which you really don’t.
        33. That’s called hyperbole.
        34. Hyperbole is part of the art of blogging.
        35. But they won’t understand.
        36. Soon, out of desperation for material, you’ll start to consider making cat videos.
        37. But the world is already glutted with cat videos.
        38. And your cats suck and never do anything entertaining enough to make a video of anyway.
        39. Before long you’ll have to face the fact that your blog has no purpose.
        40. Except linking to other people’s hilarious cat videos.
        41. Driven to waste more time on Twitter, Facebook, and Google+ so you can think of yourself as a blogger even though you aren’t writing anything,
        42. you’ll rack your brain for something original to say.
        43. But you won’t be able to think up anything.
        44. And if by some miracle you do think up something original and unique, be prepared, because then people will say hateful things to you or about you.
        45. Because all the good bloggers have haters.
        46. Even sweet Ree Drummond has haters.
        47. So you won’t be able to say anything at all.
        48. For fear.
        49. That you’ll get haters.
        50. Or worse.
        51. That you won’t.
        52. Either way.
        53. You’re screwed.
        54. You’ll become a social recluse trying to figure out the next thing that will replace cat videos.
        55. But nothing ever will.
        56. Eventually you’ll have to leave your home.
        57. And go out and talk to real people at some party you get invited to.
        58. But you won’t know what to talk about anymore at parties with normal people.
        59. Because it’ll have been so long since you’ve had a conversation with anyone who doesn’t blog.
        60. So all you can talk about is blogging,
        61. or Social Media.
        62. But your friends don’t really understand blogging,
        63. or Social Media.
        64. Unlike cat videos.
        65. Which everyone understands.
        66. So.
        67. You’ll have to come up with something to talk about.
        68. That doesn’t include the eff word or anything about your vagina.
        69. Because you allowed your Xanax prescription to lapse,
        70. You’ll end up having actual conversations at parties that go something like this:
        71. Man (Who also just happens to be the doctor who gave me Kierkegaard’s Fear and Trembling when I went to see him for severe depression in 2008): What have you been reading lately?
        72. Me: (thinking furiously because I know I have to come up with something worthwhile and deep, except that I’m currently reading Deep Kiss of Winter from Kresley Cole’s, Immortals After Dark Series, which is about a hunky, tormented Vampire–are there any other kind?– and a gorgeous Valkyrie/Ice Faerie hybrid—gosh, I can so relate to her character. It’s smut, actually. Because I fight depression in the fall, which he knows about, but completely discounts, I now read smut to cheer myself up. I suppose if you can smut your way out of depression then how bad could your depression really be anyway? Ummmm.
        73. Jeff: (stepping in to rescue me because that’s what he does) We’ve been reading Game of Thrones together.
        74. Man: Game of Thrones? What’s that?
        75.  Jeff: Oh, it’s this terrific fantasy series set in a medieval world on another planet. It’s great.
        76. Me: (Knowing when to hop on a good rescue vehicle when it drives by.) Yeah. Very complex character development, full of political intrigue and plot twists. The writing is great.
        77. Man: (disappointedly) Oh. I don’t read fiction.
        78. Jeff: (My knight) Chloe used to not read fiction at all, but she started about three years ago, and I think it’s been good for her.
        79. Man: (unimpressed) Have you ever read Notes from Underground?
        80. Me: Dostoevsky?
        81. Man: Yes.
        82. Me: A long time ago.
        83. Man: I love the opening lines from Notes from Underground. It goes, “I am a sick man… I am a spiteful man. I am an unpleasant man. I think my liver is diseased.”
        84. Me: (All the bloggers I read write existential shit like that every day. Heck, I think I’ve started a blog post pretty much just like that. WAIT! I’m pretty sure that’s almost exactly what I said to you when I went to see you for my depression, buddy.) Oh, that’s great. He sounds like he would have been a great blogger.
        85. Man: A what?
        86. Me: A blogger. (Oh shit.)
        87. Man: Oh.
        88. Man: How about Brothers Karamazov?
        89. Me:  A long time ago?
        90. Man: How about any Sartre?
        91. Me: (Oh crap. He’s not going to try to talk to me about Sartre now, is he? I’ve got to find a way out of this, so I stupidly say:) I mostly write these days.
        92. Man: Oh. What do you write?
        93. Me: Oh, I have this little blog.
        94. Man: What’s your blog about?
        95. Me (Why does everyone ask this question? I write existential crap about how I’m a sick, spiteful woman with a bad liver, sort of like Dostoevsky) Stuff.
        96. Man: What sort of stuff?
        97. Jeff: (coming to my rescue once again) She’s being modest. She’s a good writer.
        98. Man: Well, what do you write about?
        99. Me: My life.
        100. Man: Well, I’m sure it isn’t as good as Dostoevsky.
        101. Me: (WHAT? I’m totally sick and spiteful and a hypochondriac, just like Dostoevsky) No, I’m sure not.

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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }

lallaw November 13, 2013 at 5:06 am

Where did my very nice (to you) pithy first post go? I wrote something to you after sharing this blog on FB, and it just disappeared! When I went to re-post it, I was told I had already done so, but it is not appearing. Is there a delay in order for it to be reviewed? I promise it was positive!

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Chloe Jeffreys November 13, 2013 at 6:01 pm

Here it is! I have my comments set to moderation right now, but I definitely approved yours as soon as I could. Thank you for your kind comments. They really do mean a lot to me.

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lallaw November 13, 2013 at 4:47 am

Glad to have found you… thought the above was so hilarious, I shared it on my mom’s Facebook page that I hijack sometimes because social media still strikes me with the fear of “Big Brother” keeping tabs.

I think, therefore, I blog. I’ve always been more of a Descartes type of gal anyway. Although I don’t blog (but would like to), yet am always thinking. Ironically, I found you because I was looking up reviews for Murad Resurgence. I’ve been thoroughly entertained for almost 2 hours since. Glad your unique voice is out there.

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Chloe Jeffreys November 13, 2013 at 6:01 pm

I’m so glad you stopped by and found my blog of some use. One has to begin to wonder if they’ve blogged for any length of time what the meaning of blogging really is.

I love Descartes! And “I think, therefore I blog” sounds like a great tagline.

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The GypsyNesters September 26, 2013 at 5:47 am

Yet we blog on! Fun post.
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Chloe Jeffreys September 28, 2013 at 9:09 am

I’m pretty sure that’s what Dostoevsky would have said if he’d read my post too.

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Julie DeNeen January 2, 2013 at 1:15 pm

Oh my god I’m a vagina talking, cat loving Mom blogger. This was hilarious!
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Chloe Jeffreys January 5, 2013 at 1:23 pm

I’m glad we exist in this world for without us the world would be a dark and boring place. Thank you for stopping by.

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Ben September 7, 2012 at 7:07 pm

Hi Chloe. It will be fall here in Pa before ya know it. Did you prepare yourself with Fifty Shades Of Grey? Grin .. Yeah, crowds, slow traffic and people who will not listen .. who needs that?! We got our blogs!
( great argument hought! )
Ben
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Ashley @ It's Fitting August 18, 2012 at 6:30 pm

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA… love it.

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Chloe August 19, 2012 at 10:03 am

It’s conversations like that that make me want to just stay home. Pshaw! I’m no Dostoevsky? What does he know?

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Grown and Flown August 5, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Could you not have written this before we started?? On the other hand…you will go to NY, have fun and meet other bloggers who have 101 reasons not to blog and become friends.
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Ruth - The Freelance Writing Blog November 16, 2011 at 1:47 pm

HI-LAR-I-OUS!
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Annika October 5, 2011 at 8:37 pm

No wonder everyone left early! I’m so sorry. I wish I had something witty or thoughtful to say – but I don’t. You ARE a great writer! Next time “man” is around I’ll have to invite my Stanford educated brother philosopher and they can discuss the meaning of life in a corner while sipping Polish vodka and read Kafka to each other!

Sort of reminds me of two times in college when I was talking to people like this.

man: “what did you learn this semester” (meaning really, “what philosopher have you been reading and to what profound thoughts have you arrived.”

me: “um, I learned how to take a blood pressure and give a shot.”

man: didn’t say anything…really, he just moaned, in disgust I guess. End of conversation,.

Same road trip in college; dinner with a bunch of theology and philosophy students. Felt totally out of place. I don’t even remember what this one guy said to me or what it was even about. I just remember feeling 2 cm tall and wanting to leave after he said whatever it was.

Let’s have cosmopolitans and NOT talk about the meaning of life. Let’s just enjoy it!

Love you!

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Chloe October 6, 2011 at 3:42 pm

I think cosmopolitans are definitely in order. Let’s do it!

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Aimee October 4, 2011 at 6:24 pm

A few reasons for Chloe to KEEP blogging:
1. She is an excellent writer.
2. She is very honest. (We need more honesty on the internet.)
3. She makes her readers think while laughing. (It’s not a combination that a lot of people master.)
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Chloe October 6, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Thank you, Aimee.

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Jack@TheJackB October 3, 2011 at 11:20 pm

I started blogging in 2004 and haven’t ever stopped. Might have to be institutionalized for continuing to indulge in this mishegoss.
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Chloe October 4, 2011 at 4:32 am

Nah. I don’t think so, Jack. You done blog good. And if you do something good then who cares if you’re also insane?

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Julia October 3, 2011 at 9:22 am

Your husband is a valiant knight rescuing you…and Dr. Pretentious is an ass. Duh, who tells someone who is depressed to read Sartre? Sartre can make Chatty Cathy depressed and silent. Ugh.

Balance my dear…balance. Mental, physical (that’s that whole exercise thing, right?!), social, emotional, spiritual….balance.

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Chloe October 3, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Balance. Yes ma’am.

And I second you on the Sartre. I really don’t think this guy has ever had depression, ever. In fact, I’m certain of it. I left out the part of the conversation where I mentioned that many philosophers had suffered from depression and he looked at me very doubtfully and said, “Really? I don’t think so.”

OMGosh. You think?

Philosophy and Depression

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Heather ( You'll know me w/o the MX, right?) October 3, 2011 at 7:15 am

Very funny. And I just went back and read your Fear and Trembling posts. I know I’ve read them before but I especially appreciated them today. Blog on.

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Chloe October 3, 2011 at 8:16 am

I’m glad you found them helpful to you. I owe so much to so many who wrote their thoughts–good and bad–for me to read and know that I am not alone.

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Elizabeth / Liza Lee October 2, 2011 at 7:11 pm

Great post. I laughed so much the kids came and asked what was going on. Then I read it aloud to them. I censored “vagina” for the sake of my boys. Went with “lady bits.”

Jeff is a keeper. And Dr. Pretentious is a twit.

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Chloe October 2, 2011 at 8:36 pm

You can only talk openly about your vagina on your blog of if you are one of the Kardashian sisters. I think there’s a law about that.

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Kristal October 2, 2011 at 6:41 pm

I loved this post! I’ve been thinking about why I blog lately and finally decided I blog for me. I’d love more followers but then I’d be stressed…. I’m happy with where I’m at I decided.
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Chloe October 2, 2011 at 8:36 pm

Kristal, this is the only reason to blog. All the rest is vanity.

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Lance October 2, 2011 at 3:37 pm

I was going to quit blogging today. Then, I read this. Now, I think I’ll start a meme about this post. Wait, this is the first time I’ve commented here. Sarcasm is a second language for you, right?

I laughed, I cried, I thought about blog suicide.

Peace out brussel sprout.
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Chloe October 2, 2011 at 8:38 pm

Hey Lance, thanks for stopping by and commenting. I’m fluent in English, Sarcasm and Disdain, thanks for noticing.

I’d love to see your 101 list for reasons not to blog. Bring it.

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Susan in the Boonies October 2, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Well, #98 was kind of rude. Even for a deep thinker. ESPECIALLY for a deep thinker.

I understand, though.

Alison Krauss was a great escape.

And, by the way, although she’s the best (à la Dostoevsky) there are a lot of other wonderful singers out there, whose voices are full of soul, and whose songs, whether heard by big audiences or small, must be sung.

Sing your song.

Just be careful about who you sing about killing.
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Chloe October 2, 2011 at 8:41 pm

Yeah. He’s a pompous ass. But he’s a lovable pompous ass. I just can’t have him for my doctor. Plus I know he’ll never deign to read my blog, so I can talk about him all it like.

And just for the record, I never said nothing about killing. Hyperbole, baby. Hy.per.bo.le.

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Colleen Green October 2, 2011 at 2:29 pm

You’ve been blogging too much and must be burnt out! Take a week or two off I promise that you’re fans will be here when you get back. I’m the opposite need to blog more! But for most of the reasons you listed well u know. I’ll throw caution to the wind some day and start again!

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Chloe October 2, 2011 at 8:42 pm

There’s a balance, Collen, that’s for sure. It’s the finding it that’s the secret to happiness.

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