BlogHer 2011: If you can’t stand the heat, stay away from the KY

When last I left you, we were standing at BlogHer holding a big bag of free sex toys while being told that, if we want to make it in the blogging industry, we’d best not discuss it.

Sorry, but you just can’t hand me a big bag of free sex toys and then tell me not to say anything about it.  Homie don’t play that way. (I had to just swear to my husband on a stack of Holy Bibles that I would never use that phrase here or anywhere ever again.)

Now comes the point in this post where I revisit some meaningful moment from my childhood and find some way to tie it back to a blogging conference and a free bag of sex toys. And, because this turns out to be an especially crucial turning-point in my life story, I’m making a special mention of it so you don’t miss it.

HERE IT IS…

IT’S COMING UP….

I DON’T WANT YOU TO MISS IT…

NOW!

The #1 thing EVERY TEACHER wrote on my report card EVERY STINKING YEAR was this:

Student talks too much and isn’t working up to her potential.”

That hurt.

Did any of these teachers ever consider that what I had the most potential for was talking too much? Who knows? Maybe I was even exceeding my potential.

I don’t want to talk too much about sex toys, just like you don’t want to read about me talking about them (Oh heck, who are we kidding? Yeah you do. But we’ll pretend that you don’t, okay?)

Anyway, I do want to talk about them, but maybe I shouldn’t. Or maybe I should. But maybe I shouldn’t. Or maybe I should, but insist someone pays me to do it. I don’t know. Does brand Chloe talk about sex toys or doesn’t she? And if she does, can she handle the heat?

Speaking of heat, I need to say this right now: Manufacturers need to stop putting “special ingredients” in my feminine slippery slidey stuff. You know what I’m talking about. The Kentucky Jelly?

In my big bag of free sex toys, I got some free samples of some “special” Kentucky Jelly that was supposed to give me a new sensation. There wasn’t anything wrong with the old sensation, but heck, I gotta try it, right? It’s free.

Yep. A new sensation alright.

It gave me the exact sensation of what it would feel like to have an entire tube of Crest toothpaste squeezed into my panties.

Wow.

Minty.

And FRESH.

And cool.

Cool like the winds of a thousand jet engines blowing between my legs.

And maybe burny a little. Or maybe burny a lot.

Except WOW.

Minty.

My husband could have pulled out the whips and chains (WHICH HE DOESN’T, BY THE WAY) and I doubt I would have noticed because that’s how distracting it is to have your lady bits ON FREAKING FIRE!!!

WHY!? Who likes this?

How Sex Toys Can Grow Your Blog

The thing is, a big bag of free sex toys, no matter how great (okay, I admit it, the Kentucky Jelly sucked, but the toys were really great), won’t make your blog a blockbuster. In fact, I must say that I find all the focus on any Swag at BlogHer a tad mystifying because all the Swag in the world will not make your blog a success.

Maybe I’m just confused and all that Swag was for the people who’ve already made it big in blogging. Except that my alexa score (when I was still on Blogspot) was higher than almost all of the other bloggers I personally met there. Maybe I’m just an idiot, but at Pathfinder Day, The Pioneer Woman and The Budget Fashionista talked about Content, Content, Content, not running downstairs to the Expo Hall and grabbing up the Swag.

DISCLAIMER: There is nothing wrong with Swag (I like free stuff!), but it all left me to wonder this: Is BlogHer a legitimate Trade Show or simply a well-heeled hobbiest convention? Do bloggers really have the advertising klout they are being told they have? Can the dream come true or has the train already left the station?

‘Cause I gotta tell you, I’m cynical. Yes, I’m a dreamer, but I’m a cynical dreamer. This is NOT my first time at the Rodeo. I’ve already been to enough homeschool conventions to know when I’m being sold the impossible dream. The first sign that someone is selling you a dream is when all the speakers being trotted out have the thing you want and nobody ever mentions any downsides.

And, the one thing I didn’t hear from any of the TERRIFIC (and they were) motivational speakers and Girl Power gurus was the fact that my blog is most likely destined to fail. In other words, I’m Not Going to Make Money From My Blog.

Part III: BlogHer: Selling the Dream

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  8. Reminds me of a time dh was rubbing my back with Ben-Gay. Which led to other things. Which quickly came to a screeching halt.

  9. I admit it. I was curious and had to click. “Chloe is NOT going to go seedy,” I thought… and, of course, you didn’t. Well done.

    But, it does remind me of something I learned once…

    When cooking with hot peppers or making pepper extract, ALWAYS wash your hands BEFORE going to the bathroom (as well as after as normal, of course).

    • Well Tim, you’re a brave man. I’m glad that you came over and saw that I haven’t sold out (yet).

      Thanks for chiming in with these wise words of wisdom. I think my mistake was following the package directions. Although I suppose it was true; it was a new sensation alright. I wonder how numb we’ve become as a people that we’ll jump at any promise for any sensation.

      • “I wonder how numb we’ve become as a people that we’ll jump at any promise for any sensation.”

        That’s a profound thought. But, I suppose it’s human nature to always seek better and push further… so, would it not be true in sensory experience as well? Is that not the stuff that creates curiosity about drugs? Or trying new foods? Or skydiving?

        Is it that we’re numb or is it just a human drive to expand experience every which way?

        And different people have different propensities to follow that drive, I guess. I’m sure there are some reading your post wondering what it really does feel like to experience a gust of Alpine air in sensitive areas.

        Personally I’m indifferent. BTDT… different, but no huge thrill-blizzard. It’s like going sledding and happening to get snow down your pants… it’s all just part of the experience and personally I just enjoy the sledding, chilly pants or no. But, that’s just my take.

        But, I’m a guy… I should hush now. *lol*

  10. LOL! I’d say they didn’t recognize your genius. Silly teachers.

    And I have been watching House lately so your sad (though hilarious from this side of the screen :D) tale would make an excellent visit at the clinic with him. hehehehe

    • haha. I can hear it now: “House, I have this icy-burny feeling down in my privates that I’ve never had before and a sudden desire to call 4 out of 5 dentists and see what they have to say about it. Diagnose me.”

  11. Had the same “jet engine burn” from something I tried once. Things must already be pretty intense anyway for a sensitive girl like me. Who needs flames from a butane lighter applied?

    Look, here’s the thing:

    Write what YOU’re thinking about it, because it’s important to you.

    There will always be someone around trying to shush someone up, won’t there, no matter where we go? So what?

    I loved today’s post, too. You know I wonder how much horsedookey we’re going to have to shovel to find that pony, and just exactly how miniature of an equine he/she’s gonna be.
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