When last we left off, our intrepid little damsel-just-barely-out-of-distress was standing on the balcony of her quaint bedroom at Turning Point Women’s Recovery Home watching the 99 red balloons float away.

Her nightmare was over, and the future was so damned bright she had to wear shades.

She’d escaped with her life, all of her teeth, and most of her brain cells still intact. It was nothing short of a MIRACLE!

I Am Woman

Happy at last, I found myself surrounded with women friends for the first time in my life. Living with nineteen women was helping me get in touch with my feminine side.

As a teenager I’d decided that all women are bitches; I did not like their reindeer mean girl games. Or maybe it wasn’t that I didn’t like their our games so much as that I was am really terrible at them. Either way, I’d found boys’ games much more fun. At least I thought the rules were simpler to follow.

But now it seemed that boys played too rough and I needed a break–possibly permanent–from their entire–completely effed up–gender.

Out of curiosity, I confess that I kissed a girl but discovered right away that, unlike Katy Perry, I didn’t like it. She wasn’t wearing cherry Chapstick, but I don’t think that would have helped.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure lesbians have it great. But from my point of view being a lesbian is like going to an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet that only serves up appetizers.

Sure, I like appetizers.

I like appetizers a lot.

From time to time I’ve even been known to make an entire meal out of appetizers.

But I’m not built to live on a strict diet of appetizers.

If sex was a diet, I’m Paleo.

Not liking women that way and being done with men, the thought occurred to me that I should probably never fuck anyone ever again as long as I lived. That was the sure way to go.

(Gee Chloe. Extreme much?)

And basically everyone in my life from my AA Sponsor to all the women I lived with whole-heartedly agreed with this plan.

I was going to go to work, go to school, make something of myself, and maybe buy myself a vibrator for those inevitable lonely nights.

I felt really good about this decision. I knew it was the right one. I was at peace. I would live my life as a completely self-sufficient woman who didn’t need a man.

It was the 1980′s!

I didn’t need a man to complete me!

What I really needed were self-help books. Lots and lots of self-help books.

  • The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck
  • The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale
  • The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner
  • Men Who Hate Woman and the Women Who Love them by Dr. Susan Forward
  • Your Erroneous Zones by Dr. Wayne Dyer
  • Dancing in the Light by Shirley Mclaine

I read them all and some others I don’t remember. And then I read them again.

All of these books said basically the same thing: I created my own reality and I’d done a crap job of it up until now.

But if I created my own reality then I sure as shit could start creating a much better one.

For the first time in my life I was completely self-supporting.  I had a pretty good job and in five months I saved up enough money to buy my own car.

True, it might be possible that the backseat of this car did not have any floor boards, but it had a new engine and was reliable. Passengers just had to hold their feet up, that’s all.  I was thrilled as hell not to have to walk to work in 4″ heels anymore.

Life was a wonderful whirlwind of girlfriends, AA meetings, work, school, and self-improvement.

On the day I met Jeff, like Katy Perry sings, I was wide awake.

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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

Jenn @therebelchick July 21, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I’m ashamed to admit that this is the first time I’ve visited your blog…but you had me completely laughing my ass off! I hope the next installment of this story arrives quickly!
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Chloe Jeffreys July 22, 2012 at 11:35 am

I hope the nest installment arrives quickly too. I wonder where it is. LOL

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Jack@TheJackB July 11, 2012 at 12:18 am

If I said that I knew what it was like to walk in 4 inch heels it would give an image of me that might or might not be true so I won’t say it. Keep going please.
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Negin July 10, 2012 at 11:49 pm

Chloe, I really enjoyed reading this and just can’t wait for more!
Love the 4-inch heels.
Can relate to so much of what you felt and were going through.
Interesting how my daughter showed me the same exact Katy Perry video last night. We both want her hair. It’s all I’m thinking about at the moment.

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Brenda July 10, 2012 at 10:14 pm

I’m just focused on what the shoes looked like. :)

And I do get the boys make better friends thing. It’s only in the last five years that I’ve made a good woman friend. Mom’s Club and some great hsing friends helped that transition, along with me choosing to put up an invisible barrier with dh’s guy friends. I’m much more balanced now.

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Ang July 10, 2012 at 8:30 pm

I’m all ears.

We’re a lot alike I think.

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Chloe Jeffreys July 10, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Welcome! I’m always happy to meet a kindred spirit.

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Stacy W. July 10, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Ugh- so mean to leave us hanging!

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Chloe Jeffreys July 10, 2012 at 9:06 pm

lol, It’s blog, not a novel.

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Paula July 10, 2012 at 7:20 pm

It was at about that stage in my sobriety that I met my husband.
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Chloe Jeffreys July 10, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Did everyone give you grief at 13th stepping?

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Paula July 11, 2012 at 3:09 pm

He was the13th stepper – he had all of 18 months to my 6.
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Chloe July 11, 2012 at 6:57 pm
Anne (@notasupermom) July 10, 2012 at 6:56 pm

4 inch heels? What kind of work were you doing?
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robin July 10, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Oh, no you didn’t!
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Chloe Jeffreys July 10, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Of course she did. She’s a saucy girl that Anne.

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Chloe Jeffreys July 10, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Naughty girl. I was a secretary. A very sexy secretary in very high heels. You don’t think I just started wearing those puppies in my old age, did you?

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Natalie July 10, 2012 at 6:02 pm

What? You just leave us there???

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Chloe Jeffreys July 10, 2012 at 9:07 pm

It seems I can only take my walk down memory lane in short dosages. Sorry to frustrate.

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Julia July 10, 2012 at 4:41 pm

You did NOT leave us hanging like that! Sigh. Waiting (im)patiently for the next chapter….

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Chloe Jeffreys July 10, 2012 at 9:07 pm

You know how it ends. Or do we? I guess we never really know how it ends until it ends, huh?

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Julia July 11, 2012 at 6:41 am

Exactly. There’s always a twist that leads us to the next chapter.

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