Chloe’s Story, The Long Ass Version


This page explains who I am and how I got here. If you’re in a hurry I made this short video that gives the Reader’s Digest Condensed Version.


Feel free do leave comments here, there, or anywhere. I cherish your comments; it makes my day when you leave one. Except if you write creepy stuff on my pantyhose threads (or anywhere else). Those you can keep to yourself.

I am a Writer.

In May 2008, after spending a decade participating on a Christian homeschool forum under the name, Chloe of the Mountain, I started The Chloe Chronicles where I could freely write the stuff that I wanted to write.

My original tagline was Blogging is Cheaper Than Therapy.  I wrote about my kids and–with a nod to Stella–I wrote about getting my own groove back.

Since I began blogging I’ve undergone a tremendous transformation:


I am a Mother.

I have two grown children, Rachel and Wolfie.


Rachel, a.k.a. The Princess Sweetie Pea is my firstborn.


We have a very close relationship.  She’s a married woman who speaks for herself over on her own blog, Sandals in the Snow.   She’s married to Jake, a.k.a. The Hunter.

I wrote extensively about their courtship, but it was all erased in a tragic internet accident.  You can read about it from her perspective at Another Suitor for the Princess.

After their whirlwind courtship, she married at 19. I worried that she was too young, but she’s madly in love and he’s a terrific man, so what are you gonna do?

Check out her father’s beautiful account of her wedding day at Father of the Bride and Father of the Bride II. Make sure you have kleenex handy.

When my son was 12 he asked me why I hadn’t named him Wolfgang Van Halen.  I had to break the  news to him that Valerie Bertinelli had already snagged Eddie Van Halen before he was born. I think he’s forgiven me, but the nickname Wolfie stuck.

Wolfie is a musician.  On his way to adulthood, he put me through mothering hell and I credit him in large part for driving me to start this blog.  Thanks kid.

Wolfie is now 23 and doing extremely well. We are very proud of him and his accomplishments. Someday he’s going to be a very famous musician and I’ll have to take everything off of my blog about him, so enjoy it while it lasts. I’m also betting that someday he’ll be a conservative Republican and I’ll have the last laugh.

I was a Homeschool Mom.

As a former homeschool mom who poured her heart and soul into raising her kids, I really thought I had this parenting thing down. I was so very wrong.  You can find a link to my misadventures in parenting here, but two posts that I think are important are Humility and the Homeschool Mom and Viking Burial at Sea.

I was an attachment parent. You can read about some of my thoughts about parenting here:  First Time Obedience; Why I’m Just Not Into That.

I am a daughter.

In 2008, my mother was diagnosed with Stage IV colorectal cancer. She was living in Tennessee at the time. I rushed to her hospital bed only to find that she had no money, no insurance, and she owed the IRS $100,000 dollars in back taxes. I found out the extent of her tax situation when I went to her house and found a box taped shut with my name written on it that contained 10 years worth of unopened mail from the IRS. It was a special moment.

I’ve written several posts about my mother. For an overview of our complex relationship–including the story of how I was conceived on the top bunk in a Housing Project in Louisville–check out My Mother, Myself.

My mother was difficult, but she was also hilarious. When she died last year she took my best material with her. Throughout the course of my life I loved and hated her very much. Now I just miss her more than words can say.

In my attempt to remember her, I have a series on the wisdom she shared with me over the years. She was the knee-jerkiest liberal you could ever meet, but she did teach me about  Deadly Hickeys, the benefits of NOT being a picky eater, how to Act Like a Civilized Human Being, and she inspired a piece called Poor Children Need Ice Cream, Too.

I have Survived Depression

In 2004 we moved from San Diego to a 14,000 ft glacial mountain where we currently live and where I developed a serious case of Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.).  S.A.D., combined with the unexpected marriage of my daughter, my son’s agonizing rebellion, and my mother’s heartbreaking terminal illness, brought me to a place where I just didn’t want to live anymore.

I love my family and my friends. Not wanting to leave my beloved husband with the pain of that choice, or my children with the legacy of that final decision, I realized that if I was going to live I was going to have to take a lot better care of myself. I wrote about my unorthodox way of coming out of depression by falling in love with Edward Cullen and having sex with John Corbett.

I am Loved.

I am married to Jeff, the Captain of my Heart.

2014-02-22 14.29.04

Jeff is my Superhero, the cream in my coffee, and the cinnamon on my bun. Although sometimes I don’t think his intentions are quite so noble.


We’ve been married over 27 years. I’ve written about how we met and how we keep our love hot and bothered.

I am the Original Vagina Whisperer.

25 years ago I began my personal and professional study of  Birth as a Competitive Sport.

I became a doula, apprenticed with a homebirth midwife for three years, attended nursing school, and now work as traveling labor and delivery RN. After a very short mental flirtation with the idea of having a birth blog, I came to my freaking senses. I’d prefer to have everyone think I Don’t Know Nothin’ ‘Bout Birthin’ Babies.

I am a Christian.


I sometimes write about spiritual issues as I struggle along with the ripped-up remnants of my Christian faith that I hang onto for all I’m worth. And while I’m still a Christian, I am most certainly NOT a Republican, and most definitely I’m not a Tea Partier (give me a fucking break). I do not believe that being born an American entitles me or anyone else to any special spiritual privileges. And I most certainly do not believe that Jesus has a Wonderful Plan for Our Lives.

I am a Woman.

I love fashionfoodtravelmy kids, and sex. Not necessarily in that order.

I still wear stilettos and tight jeans. I live to see to the world and experience what it has to offer.

I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I don’t do a very good job of keeping my mouth shut. It seems I spend a lot of my time falling down and having to pick myself up. But I have learned that when you pick yourself up that’s when you grow the most.


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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }

Charles Franklin February 21, 2015 at 5:36 pm

I usually do not read blogs, but yours caught my eye. So to speak. As far as Christianity getting “high jacked” by the Right, it is more like a movement by our nation, as a whole, to the Right Wing. I, myself, am an “ex-Democrat”, and an “ex- Liberal”, but it had nothing to do with my religion. Such as it is. It had more to do with realizing that the Left is a {very} dead end, no pun intended. As far as Liberal Christianity, the United Church of Christ has been losing members for years, and most mainline Protestant churches have lost members. They are seen as out- dated, and out of touch. The nation is becoming increasingly Rightist, with Libertarian, and Neo- Conservative tendencies. To my mind, that is a not a good thing. The Neo- Conservative part, I mean. The Tea Party? Well, that is the Republican Party, and the two are becoming one. My journey to the Right has been irreligious, but here I am. And if the last election is any indication, I am not alone. Have a good day.


Don February 21, 2015 at 6:36 pm

As far as your comment I have to agree with you! Liberalism has gotten us no where and look at the results we now have illegals driving with no license and over 400,000 of them collecting our tax dollars in the way of disability and other forms! California has become a bath of freebies for these people that is why myself and many of us are moving to Arizona!


Chloe Jeffreys February 25, 2015 at 1:43 am

I don’t believe that politics holds many answers for anyone. Both sides are in it for the money now and let the country be damned. But I do not appreciate a religion built on the principles of caring for the poor being high-jacked by the Right.


Scotty b. December 10, 2014 at 12:05 am

Amazing. Fucking amazing. Glad to read about a Christian who uses the fucking F-word. And who seeks to be principled and authentic, instead of fucking perfect. Keep up the great work.
Scotty b. recently posted..ACCEPTANCE: WE CREATE EVERYTHING IN OUR LIFEMy Profile


Don September 27, 2014 at 3:28 pm

Great video! Almost reminds me of my ex and I except being the immature man or should I say boy I screwed up that relationship. I have learned from that and to this day we are still friends. I am happy for you and your family and thank you for your site and letting me post on it. Take care Don


Annett Parpart September 14, 2014 at 3:24 pm

Hi! I loved reading about you. I would like advice on male midlife crisis. My husband of almost 30 years (October 6) is going through this horrible time and unfortunately has dragged me along for the “ride”. He has become a monster. He is negative about everything. Nothing is ok. His life is horrible and its all my fault in his mind. He says he loves me “a little” (which I guess is a start…right?). We cant have any kind of a conversation without it turning into a verbal fight. I am very depressed. He leaves me feeling unwanted and unloved. I did put an end to an emotional affair that he was having. He said she was “someone that he could talk to like he used to talk to me when we first met”. He has cut off all communication with her although I know she has tried to contact him and he doesn’t respond to her which I am grateful to him for. I have made mistakes during this ordeal. I have become too emotional and the fights are unbearable. We are currently in counseling. Is it too late to mend our marriage because of my “craziness”?


fred May 15, 2014 at 8:52 am

Hello Chloe. Wonderful writing, so pleasant to read. Great to have stumbled upon your blog. I would love to know more about two things and to either hear more from you or find them in your past writings. First, what created that transformation from the beach picture to the girl in the sexy Halloween outfit? What was that journey like? Did you always like heels or was that only after the 1990s? Second do share more about your spiritual journey and “holding on” to your Christianity? As a recovering christian ;), I am curious as to what parts you shed and what you still hold onto and why. Thank you and hope to chat with you more here!


Tina May 6, 2014 at 7:13 pm

This is fabulous. I’m not even sure how I got here, but I am sure glad I stumbled upon your blog. Looking forward to reading more….after some sleep.


Chloe Jeffreys May 7, 2014 at 1:49 pm

I’m glad you found me. Now get some sleep.


Shawna Martin March 28, 2014 at 8:16 am

Hi Chloe. I just love you. That’s all. I stumbled on your blog yesterday whilst agonizing over *non returnable* tight jeans. I slept in them. They are now perfect. And I love your attitude. Thank you for existing.


Paula Kiger March 13, 2014 at 11:09 am

I am so very happy to have met you earlier this week. I honestly can’t remember where I first started following you on social media (probably shot at life?) but I value your voice, your opinions, and most importantly who you are as a person.
Paula Kiger recently posted..For This Customer, A “Sham” Would Be Relevant (A Book Review)My Profile


Chloe Jeffreys March 13, 2014 at 10:55 pm

It was such a delight to meet you, Paula! I also have no idea how we met, but I’m glad we did. I’m only sad that we didn’t have some real time together. That was the most jam-packed trip I think I’ve ever had. I’m totally exhausted.


Brady Brando February 16, 2014 at 3:26 am

Woman, you are obviously a prime example of why America is as f-ed up as it is. You probably voted for Obama, twice. The only chance America has of restoring its long lost dignity, honor, and leadership role is by STOP voting for lying, deceptive, socialist, communist liberals, similar to yourself, and vote-in conservative, right wing, Republicans who create jobs, a strong national economic future and military protection through their wealth. Yeah, that is the real, honest truth, so deal with it, you self-aggrandizing, emotionally f-ed up, political hack!


Chloe Jeffreys February 16, 2014 at 8:39 am

I bet you are a helluva fun guy at parties.


Dena December 7, 2013 at 9:22 am


To be honest..I don’t know how to Blog, tweet or use several other forms of social media. But I fell in love with the humor in one of your reviews. I think you have made me a follower…..just need to practice on doing it. I am sure I can find a “how to” on it somewhere….maybe after reading the “where to start” version. Just wanted to say ” Thank you for making me smile”.
I think I could relate to you even more IF you didn’t have those skinny legs. That we won’t ever have in common.

Have a wonderful holiday season.


Netta Conerly August 31, 2013 at 9:30 am

Read this because I was curious as to why you call yourself Chloe on the Mountain and I hate downloading movies on my slow computer. Thought you might be from TN. Enjoyed your bio.


Jean Wethmar June 26, 2013 at 7:30 pm

Bravo! well said.. I hear your hear beat! Loud and very strong… well written/said.. I love your blog Chloe..
I’ve written you an email – hopefully we can connect one day Chloe.. I know we’d have fun! We are like minded spirits! Regards from me and Brisbane Au.


Kandise Gilbertson March 2, 2013 at 2:31 pm

I came across your blog while checking out Murad Resurgence. Yes, I am giving it a try. In my brief perusal of your blog I find we have a lot in common. Although I am a late blooming mother being almost 49 with a 10 year old son; I am a teacher of middle school students. I taught high school for eight years and have close relationships with some of the students that were most “troubled” during those years. I am so proud of them for finding their way after losing themselves in a variety of problems.

I look forward to reading more of your blog!! Thanks.


Chloe Jeffreys June 2, 2013 at 8:56 pm

Hey Candace! I’m sorry I somehow missed your comment. Thanks for dropping by.
Chloe Jeffreys recently posted..Look Ma! I’m on (internet) TV!My Profile


BigLittleWolf September 1, 2012 at 7:51 pm

I still wear stilettos. (*grin*)
BigLittleWolf recently posted..Do Women Need Men?My Profile


Chloe September 1, 2012 at 8:46 pm

And you are my hero!

I’m not taking these puppies off until they pry them from my crippled, nearly dead. feet. Sort of like the Bad Witch of the East.


BigLittleWolf August 28, 2012 at 9:12 pm

No one’s as good a writer as Dostoevsky.

BigLittleWolf recently posted..Myths, Marriage, and the Gray SweaterMy Profile


Chloe August 29, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Et tu, BigLittleWolf?


Julia Lynn August 21, 2012 at 10:20 am

I encountered your blog via a retweet of 101 Reasons Not To Blog, which I’m also going to retweet in just a moment 🙂 I’m so glad I read the post and I look forward to following your blog!
Julia Lynn recently posted..38 WeeksMy Profile


Chloe August 21, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Hey Julia!

I’m glad you liked it. I see that doctor in the hallway now and then and wonder if he knows what a pompous ass he is. I doubt he’ll read my blog since I’m most definitely not as good a writer as Dostoevsky.


Chloe August 13, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Hey Donna! I don’t like that my faith has been hi-jacked by a political party. Not. one. bit. They don’t represent me.

Isn’t it sad that the Christian faith is now seen as an intolerant and unloving faith by so many. Sigh. It’s just sad.


Donna Freedman August 13, 2012 at 5:57 am

Nice to meet you, Chloe. (Came here from Bloggers Over 45 on Facebook.) It bugs me, too, that if I mention church some people automatically think I’m mean and intolerant. It freaks some of them out when I tell them that my church is “open and affirming” and that two of the ministers are gay.
Some people are *surprised* to find out that I go to church, which I suppose is a compliment.
(It’s the United Church of Christ, by the way.)
Donna Freedman recently posted..Sweet and spicy treats.My Profile


Kathy Hope August 6, 2012 at 11:47 am

Chloe, I heard you speak up in a few sessions but never made it over to introduce myself. LOVE your blog! So glad to find another Mom that shows no intentions of slowing down just because the kids are growing up. Your an inspiration!


Chloe August 13, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Hey Kathy!! Thanks for stopping by. I wish we’d met. Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by and comment. And you even read the long version. That’s really nice.