I Do Not Regret My Abortion

by Chloe Jeffreys · 15 comments

in faith

XB78WQK09OClick bait. I’m shamelessly admitting that the title, I Do Not Regret My Abortion, is click bait. I’d have much rather entitled this piece, “The Story of Amber Danielle” but nobody would read that. And I want people to read this. I want people to know about Amber and what her short life meant, and what she sacrificed for a wretch like me.

Saying I do not regret my abortion doesn’t mean I’m glad I aborted my baby, although I am glad I had access to a safe and legal procedure. And it certainly doesn’t mean that I do not regret every single, solitary, terrible, selfish, shitty decision I made that brought me to the doors of an abortion clinic. Not regretting my abortion doesn’t mean I’m happy about it, or that I’ve let myself off the hook. Oh, trust me, I’m still dangling on that hook. Which is why I’m telling Amber’s story now. I owe her. I owe her everything. Because whether you or I like it or not, she’s made me who I am today.

The Story of Amber Danielle

I started this story on the post about whether I’m still a Christian. I said then that I could only tell this story in pieces. This post is a 974-word piece of my convoluted walk with Christ. It’ll take you less than ten minutes to read what’s taken me 28 years to write.

You’re Pregnant!

The day I found out I was pregnant was bright and sunny. That much I remember.

I’d been feeling awful for weeks, nauseous and tired, and I was sure my lifestyle was finally catching up with me. Only on the periphery of conscious thought did it occur to me that maybe I was pregnant. My darkening nipples and sudden aversion to cigarettes would niggle at my brain as though I was trying to remember something extremely important that I’d carelessly forgotten. But the thought that I might be pregnant would be crushed out as soon as it would try to get a foothold in my brain.

I did have a bladder infection. That much I knew. So off to the free (or extremely cheap, anyway) clinic I went, driven there by my lover. He waited in the car while I went in for the appointment.

What I’ll never, ever forget is that moment I found out I was pregnant.

Looking back now as an RN, I realize that the nurse who told me probably wasn’t happy for me. I’m dead certain that I looked like exactly what I was: a meth addict. My bad skin, covered in sores that I attempted to hide under thick foundation, and the telltale skeletal thinness, were a flashing neon sign for anyone with eyes to see.

But my face hadn’t yet taken on that hollowness in the cheeks that happens when you do speed for too long. I’d only been doing it for 18 months and some baby fat still remained in my face, if gone from everywhere else. I was in too much denial to see myself as I was, but I’m sure that nurse could see me very clearly.

I’d peed in the cup and sat waiting on the exam table wearing nothing but a paper drape. I can’t remember what I was thinking, but I certainly wasn’t thinking that I was pregnant when that nurse came in.

“You’re pregnant.”

“What?”

“You’re pregnant.”

“Oh my God! Really?!”

“Yes. You are pregnant.”

“Oh my God!”

I wish I could bottle the joy I’ve felt every single one of the three times someone has told me that I’m pregnant and drink from the heady elixir when I doubt God’s love for me.

“Okay. Well, what do I do now?”

“Here’s some pamphlets. You need to start taking prenatal vitamins, and you need to find a doctor if you are planning on keeping the pregnancy.”

Hmmm? Why wouldn’t I keep my baby?

Again, knowing what I know now, I’m sure that nurse knew. She worked in a free (or cheap) clinic. She saw girls like me every single day. She knew what I was, and she knew that I was in no position to raise a baby. But that was information I didn’t have yet.

Those five or ten minutes when I first knew I was pregnant were some of the most beautiful, most spiritual, and certainly most deluded of my entire life.

I walked out of that clinic on Cloud 9.

I was going to have a baby!

I walked up to the car where my lover was standing waiting for me. I’ll never forget him leaning against that car and smoking his cigarette when I told him, “I’m pregnant.”

“Oh, fuck!”

“What?”

“Oh, fuck! You’re not keeping it, you know.”

“What?”

“You have to have an abortion.”

“What? No. I don’t want an abortion.”

We drove the short ride home in silence. How could he not be happy? We’d made a baby. We were going to have a baby. Everything was going to change. We were going to get our shit together, and we were going to have a family. I told myself that everything was okay; he just needed time to adjust.

We got back to his mother’s house where we both lived. I probably went to pee, but I don’t remember. What I do remember is that he walked up to me without any warning and punched me full on in the stomach, and as I crumpled to the floor gasping for breath, he said, “You are not keeping this baby. You have to have an abortion.”

Welcome to Reality

I met reality that day while lying on the floor with the wind knocked out of me, and I didn’t like that bitch one bit. I still don’t.

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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

Jim November 8, 2016 at 10:02 am

Good Day:
Well, abortion is a sin, but there is no sin, outside of blasphemy of the Holy Spirit, which cannot be forgiven by God. I truly hope you see it as such, and I also hope that you see what you did as forgivable by God. A quick look in the Bible shows one that many of God’s people, you and me included, take “short cuts” (sins) as the best way to solve their problems. I do not know you, so I won’t speak for you, but I have never sinned without a “warning” in mind and soul that I am doing so, and given this, I sin much less than I used to (praise God!) and I know that if I have the feeling that something is wrong, it almost always in, and I should stay away from it. One time it cost me my job, which was VERY lucrative, and a replacement for which I have not been able to find in many months. Mutatis mutants (with the necessary changes made)
perhaps you are feeling the same. I believe, and I say this as horrible sinner myself, that what you did WAS wrong, and should not be repeated, especially for a Christian. You need not worry, however, given repentance on your side, that God will forgive you.

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Daniel F Alvarez March 19, 2017 at 3:27 pm

The Bible is ripe with God telling people to kill in innocent children. If it’s a sin like you say, God of the Bible is a sinner. Check your crazy myth book before you lay shade on people.

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Donna October 30, 2016 at 6:30 pm

I had no idea this happened to you. I am so sorry….I seriously want to do harm to your boyfriend. I am glad this is in your rear view mirror…but so sorry you had to go through it. Life can be a bitch, I know that first hand. But there is something to be said for surviving hard things. I survived being beaten by my stepmother for years, sold by my adopted mother to my dad…. oh and given away by my biological mother because she had an affair and he wouldnt marry her, but then he did marry her and they had 4 more children, just found that out last month. Yup, life can be a bitch.

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Anzonia wester March 15, 2017 at 3:01 pm

Life IS a bitch. Life is just no good.

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Jack October 21, 2015 at 10:37 am

You have lived a life. I don’t say that with sarcasm or any judgment, just an observation. You have had experiences and moments that few have and you came out the other side.

That is something to be proud of.
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Chloe Jeffreys November 14, 2015 at 9:59 am

Thank you, Jack. Without a life there isn’t much to write about, is there?

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Carol S. September 21, 2015 at 12:41 pm

Pretty tough stuff you endured. So glad you got to (or are getting to) the other side. My God is loving and forgiving, and so are all of my favorite people. You are amazing and have offered all of us so much by sharing yourself with us. Keep going when you feel like it. Really enjoy your blog.

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Liv August 20, 2015 at 3:20 am

I’m sure that was almost as painful to write as it was to live it. I admire your courage Chloe.
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Suzzanne Mendenhall August 19, 2015 at 3:14 pm

I was 20… Still in college…. Running Track, an Athelete, a criminal justice major, and pregnant. I had always figured “it” was a boy and he would be around 28 now. I don’t regret it, but some days, I wished I had had the strength like my own mother did when she found out she was pregnant. I thank God everyday that she (an unwed waitress with two toddlers already) gave me life. I would like to read more of your story. It cut off way too soon. God bless you.

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Monica VanDeWalker August 19, 2015 at 9:05 am

Chloe, I can’t begin to imagine how difficult it is to share this story. Thank you for opening up.
Our culture wants to shy away from the hard stuff of choices….but reality needs to be heard.
Sharing these memories, I know, makes you have to relive them again, which must be agonizing.
I will read your future blogs about this hard time of your life.
Thank you, again for sharing.

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Rodalena August 18, 2015 at 7:50 pm

Chloe,

I’m so sorry for all of the pain you and Amber suffered. I believe you telling it will prevent others from having to live through similar horrors, so thank you for being willing to share it. What a beautiful name you gave your child.

Hugs dear friend. ♡

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Jackie August 18, 2015 at 4:27 pm

I cannot wait to read the rest of this very personal story. As always, your honesty and your courage shine through.
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Nancy Lowell August 18, 2015 at 3:37 pm

Chloe, this is an amazing story. I admire your bravery in telling it, and want to hear the rest.
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