Lately my Facebook newsfeed has been peppered with an odd assortment of weight loss/miraculous medical cure testimonials along with intriguing invitations to join mysterious “secret groups” where I’ll be let in on the amazing secret behind my friends’ successes.
Finding myself curious about this magic solution for everything that ails you, I did a little detective work. It didn’t take long to discover that my friends are using and selling Xyngular, a multi-level marketing opportunity geared to help you and me lose weight while making money off of everyone we know.
A Get Rich (and Thin) Quick Scheme? The Perfect Scam-a-Lam-a-Xyng-Dong Combo
At last someone has combined the two things we Americans want the most: to be thin and rich.
A quick little poll of my own Facebook friends revealed that nearly every single person I know thinks they need to lose weight.
And get rich? Who doesn’t want that?!? I didn’t bother asking my Facebook friends who wants to get rich because I don’t need to. We all do. And the quicker the better.
What Does it Mean to Get Xynged?
Let’s have a look at the 8-Day Magic Plan to Health, Wealth, and Prosperity, shall we? (click image to enlarge)
Well, now this looks like a sustainable dietary lifestyle, doesn’t it? I mean who would want to eat a diet full of chemicals like this…
…when you can eat a natural diet like this?
You Can be Rich and Thin, But It’s Gonna Cost You
To get an idea of the price points of these products, a 60-tablet bottle of Flush costs $42.90. Holy shit! That’s a lot of money for a laxative when you consider that you can get 90 tablets of pretty much the same stuff from Amazon for $3.69.
That’s $339 for a week’s worth of smoothie powder, a bottle of vitamins, a bottle of laxatives, 28 ounces of fruit juice with some vitamins thrown in, and two different stimulants, Xyng and Accelerate. But only suckers pay retail for Xyngular. Savvy Xyngbats get their friends and family on board, and get them to pay for their Xyng.
What is Xyng Anyway?
The active ingredients in Xyng are caffeine and beta-phenylethylamine HCL. What’s beta-phenylethylamine HCL? According to the National Institute of Health, related compounds include:
No shit you feel terrific when you take this stuff! Having once been addicted to amphetamines, let me reassure you that when you take them you feel WONDERFUL!
What Goes Up Must Come Down
When you start taking amphetamines you will feel like the world is your oyster. Everything will seem possible to you, and you will absolutely love everybody. (Everybody except for anybody who tries to harsh your mellow by pointing out that the feelings you’re having are artificially created by the DRUG you’re taking. These “dream-stealers” you will NOT like. Not even a little bit.)
And yesiree Bob, you will lose weight.
Because suddenly it’ll all become incredibly clear that you don’t need to eat food. All you need is love. And to clean your house. Housecleaning will in fact likely become one of your favorite occupations. You’ll be cleaning because suddenly you’ll have all this untapped energy you never knew you had before.
And, Wow, will you feel euphoric! The Xingular website (no, I’m not linking to them) promises users a full day of euphoria from their drug, er, naturally-occurring compound they are manufacturing and packaging in a plant somewhere in Utah.
Naturally Occurring Compound?
You need to know one thing. The FDA does not regulate the word “natural”. Anybody can use the word to describe anything. You can call something “naturally-occurring” even if what you mean is that you are manufacturing it in a chemical plant somewhere in Utah.
Why does this matter?
It is true that phenylethylamine does naturally occur in plants (and even in our own nervous systems), but in its natural form it is not a stable compound and is metabolized in 5-10 minutes after hitting the digestive tract. But according to the Xyngular website, the effects of Xyng last all day. How is this possible?
It’s also impossible to tell how much penylethylamine is in Xyng because the amount is hidden within something called the “Proprietary Blend”. For a point of reference, I will tell you that there is approximately 1,920 grams of phenylethylamine in 3.5 ounces of raw soybeans.
So some chemical processing must be taking place to create this concentrated, time-released, stable form of phenyethalamine that causes all-day euphoria.
Xyngbats will tell you that their products are natural. But I couldn’t find out what these natural ingredients are, or where they’re grown. All I could find was this little snip from Dr. Troy McHenry’s Doctors in Xyngular Corporation* Facebook page:
For the life of me I couldn’t find out what these “raw materials” are that the good doctor has a relationship with. If a product claims to be natural then it only seems reasonable that the company should be able to provide a stable ingredients list.
Natural or not, the Xyngular website claims that beta-phenylethylamine HCL is not a drug. But the National Institute of Health calls it a drug, and in this publication, http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/3129549, compares its effects on dopamine in the brain to that of amphetamines.
A Sucker Born Every Minute
Look, if something sounds too good to be true, it is. There’s no magic pill that is going to make you or me skinny and rich.
And let me tell you another secret. The people who prey upon others know how to manipulate people to make them feel special and important.
They rely on the fact that we trust ourselves that we can spot a scam when we see one. This is especially dangerous if you’re the sort of person who relies on your “spiritual gift of discernment”. This “gift” can, and does, lead people to ruin all of the time.
People, there is no secret to weight loss. Eat less food than you expend in energy, every day, and you will lose weight. Get thin quick schemes are always unhealthful and always end up with the poor person weighing more than they started.
Are MLMs Legitimate Businesses?
“Not all multilevel marketing plans are legitimate. If the money you make is based on your sales to the public, it may be a legitimate multilevel marketing plan. If the money you make is based on the number of people you recruit and your sales to them, it’s not. It’s a pyramid scheme. Pyramid schemes are illegal, and the vast majority of participants lose money.”
“Our studies, along with those done by other independent analysts (not connected to the MLM industry), clearly prove that MLM as a business model – with its endless chain of recruitment of participants as primary customers – is flawed, unfair, and deceptive. Worldwide feedback suggests it is also extremely viral, predatory and harmful to many participants. This conclusion does not apply just to a specific MLM company, but to the entire MLM industry [emphasis mine]. It is a systemic problem.”
The Beanstalk to Nowhere
I have no doubt that my friends will get thinner and feel terrific. For awhile. But when they wake up from this amphetamine-fueled MLM high they will be poorer, their dopamine-receptors will be fried, and they will be sorry indeed that they sold their social media influence for what will, in the end, amount to a bag of magic beans that a grew a beanstalk to nowhere.
*For the record, Doctors in Xyngular Corporation Facebook Page appears to be just one chiropractor by the name of Dr. Troy McHenry. This isn’t Dr. McHenry’s first time at the MLM/Weightloss rodeo. McHenry is also the doctor behind MonaVie, a magical juice MLM that crashed and burned right around the time that Xyngular was created.