The Paleo Diet is just plain stupid!
Think about it.
Supposedly we have these ancestors–not any recent ancestors, mind you–not our subsisting-on-worm-riddled-potatoes-and-whatever-else-they-could-scratch-out-of-the-hard-ground ancestors, or, going a little further back, not our banana-eating-picking-delicious-high-protein-head-lice-out-of-their-friend’s-scalp ancestors–no, not any of those ancestors–we’re talking about our prehistoric, Paleolithic ancestors. Apparently, these Paleo ancestors didn’t have the plague of modern man: Death.
According to certain nonsensical food faddists, our Paleo, cave-dwelling ancestors were living the good life, roaming the steppes during the day, doing it doggy-style at night, all while dining on the yummy and, Oh, so healthful, woolly mammoth.
Yep. We’re talking about guys like these:
These ancestors–pictured above as they actually appeared in this rare and previously unpublished photograph–had it going on. Dietarily speaking anyway.
The Paleo Diet Explained
The theory goes that our fur-clad ancestors had heart health down to a pre-science.
These lucky progenitors, who weren’t corrupted by the evil food products that are contained in your local Piggly Wiggly, lived an idyllic life eating meat, and meat, and a totally unprocessed diet of meat. And then they had some more meat with a big side of meat. And they finished off their big and tasty meat platter with lots and lots of more meat. And maybe a handful of berries. Non-GMO berries, of course, because Monsanto back then was just a twinkle in Satan’s eye.
Anyway, we’re told by these naturally-and-artificially-fruit-flavored-jelly-filled-donuts-for-brains food fascists that our meat-a-vore ancestors never got heart disease!
How do people come up with this stuff?
I Call Bullshit!
Paleo fanatics say they are using science to come up with their cockamamie theory. Paleos say that our ancestors evolved on this diet of meat, and if we all went back to eating this utopic smorgasbord of meat we’d eradicate all the ills of our First World Krispy Kreme diet, like diabetes, and just plain being too damned fat to live.
What they leave out from this idealized version of the caveman lifestyle is the fact that we can extrapolate some idea of life expectancy of a caveman with this little tool the cavemen didn’t use called statistics.
Using past actuarial tables–and evidence derived from scientific studies done at universities on the longevity of hunter and gatherer peoples–it’s pretty clear the average life expectancy of a caveman was less than 50 years old.
And what we do know for sure is that even today very few people under the age of 50 die from heart disease no matter how shitty their diet is.
See, up until about 40, your body has all sorts of ways to survive no matter what you eat. But after 40, nature doesn’t give a rat’s ass about you. As far as nature is concerned, once you’re done procreating, you’re on your own.
From nature’s point of view, you and me, we’re just a life-support system for our genitalia. Our only biological purpose is to walk around living and breathing long enough to make other bipeds who walk around living and breathing long enough to make other bipeds who walk around living and breathing long enough…get the idea? It’s called the Circle of Life, and it’s a bitch.
The entire concept of old age as you and I know it is brand spanking new. Not that there weren’t a lucky few in history who did live to be old. But old was anything over 50. Don’t believe me? Just a little over a hundred years ago, in 1900, the average life expectancy for a woman was 47.
That means that if I was alive in 1900, I’d have already been dead.
The Importance of Terror
What is also left out of the above Paleo Diet concept is the role of terror.
Sheer, stark terror.
Not the, “Oh shit, my house has lost 43% of its value in the last seven years!” terror. Or the “Will there be any Social Security for me when I retire?” terror.
No, real terror.
Like, “If I can’t run any faster right this second, I’m going to get eaten by this lion that’s chasing me” terror.
Paleo Combined with the Right Exercise
I posit that the only way the Paleo Diet can really be effective is if you completely recreate the caveman lifestyle by incorporating the proper exercise regime that would include some of this life-sustaining terror.
So, occasionally, like three or four of times a week, go out onto the freeway, and run as fast as you possibly can in front of cars that are barreling down on you at 55 miles per hour (the average speed of a cheetah).
Now that’s living like a caveman!
And I promise you that if you do that you will never die from heart disease.