Zombies on my Mind

by Chloe Jeffreys · 8 comments

in Humor

I hate waking up early on a day that I could sleep in.
I thought it was light outside but it is only my neighbor’s Christmas lights that he’s strung around his house. I say that if you have enough Christmas lights up that it simulates morning in your neighbor’s bedroom window then maybe that’s too many. I especially think that if you have enough Christmas lights up that it simulates morning in your neighbor’s bedroom window from half a block away then you really have too many lights.
I have no idea when he put up these damned lights. They weren’t up when I went to bed. He works nights and frequently does bizarro things so it is entirely possible that he put these lights up in the dead of night. Geez
After getting out of bed, I realized that in the world outside of my bedroom it was actually still completely dark, but since my dogs were thrilled that I was up there was no going back to sleep.
The two of them raced down the hall headed towards their breakfast. A lesson could be learned from dogs. Somehow that same bowl of kibble every morning continues to excite. I tossed the kibble in the bowl and the lights flickered on and off, just briefly.My husband is out of town and I miss him. A lot. I couldn’t go because my mom is dying and I can’t leave.. But I wanted to go or I wanted him to stay. What I didn’t want was for him to go and for me to stay, but he had to and I had to. Frankly, I’m really quite pissed off about it.

I miss him for all the normal reasons I always miss him when he’s gone, but now I also miss him because I’m suddenly very afraid of zombies.

As the dogs were finishing their kibble, the lights flickered on and off again causing the printer to reboot and me to lose my wireless signal on my laptop.

Terror shot through me.

This could only mean Zombies!

This is how it always starts. The power goes out first and the next thing you know, “Uuuuuuuhhhhhhhh! BRAINS!” And then they beat down your door and come in and devour your flesh.

I was pretty certain that right at that moment zombies were clawing at my electrical box and the moment I opened the door to let the dogs out to go to the bathroom was going to be my last.

I’ve spent my whole entire life ignoring zombies. I’ve never been a fan. They aren’t sexy; they aren’t clever; they just don’t have anything going for them as far as I’m concerned. I have never watched any zombie movies in my entire life. I looked away if any unexpectantly popped up anywhere. In other words, I have lived a perfectly wonderful zombie-free life. Until now.

We’ve been watching that show, The Walking Dead. No, it isn’t perfect. Sometimes the writing is simply dreadful. Sometimes the storyline is incomprehensible.

Why did they leave Jim by the roadside to turn into a zombie? Does that make any sense whatsoever? Do not leave ME lying by the roadside waiting to turn into a zombie! Shoot me! Because I swear to God and all that is holy that if you are in my ragtag little group of zombie apocalypse survivors, and you are bitten by a zombie, I’m going to shoot you faster than you can say, “Pick axe to the head.”

The main characters are just ridiculously inconsistent. One minute Rick says to his terrified wife and new-posterchild-for-PTSD son, “I promise, your safety is my Number One priority. I’ll keep you from danger. I’ll never leave the two of you ever again!” And the next minute he’s saying, “Hey, let’s all wander back into zombie-infested Atlanta and see what’s up at the CDC.”

But, even with these glaring flaws, we’re watching it. Except now my husband is out of town and not due back for a couple more days (and nights). And I live out in the country. On a dark road (well, except for Father Christmas’ light display across the street that he flips on at 6am). Hmmmmm. Maybe it is time to check out my attic just to see if anything is going on up there.

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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Lance November 9, 2011 at 10:24 am

The Walking Dead is shot about 30 miles from my house. I’ve tried to watch it and it’s just not compelling. The writing and the acting are the problems.

Of course, being part robot, I’m arrogant about zombies. I’m going to survive the apocalypse easily.

welcome back to writing

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Chloe Jeffreys November 9, 2011 at 10:29 am

My husband is very picky about his mythology too. I couldn’t watch Twilight (don’t judge me) with him because of all the groaning and whining about sparkly vampires walking around in the daylight. Geez people! Where’s your ability to suspend disbelief?!

I’m a weeny when it comes to zombies. I like them mostly unbelievable because they scare the shit out of me. Thankfully I’m married to a man who has studied this subject and I think I have a good shot of surviving. That is if I can listen to instructions. I’m afraid that I’m going to end up the dead blonde chick who couldn’t stand being told what to do and that will be my predictable undoing.

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Chloe December 11, 2010 at 2:12 pm

@Anne: Exactly right about the boat scene. I wouldn't have been surprised if one of them pulled out a thermos of coffee at the end.

The scene with Amy and Andrea at the end was well-done and makes this show more than just a creep show of monsters.

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Anne December 11, 2010 at 3:11 am

The boat scene between Amy and Andrea was pretty cheesy. It was like one of those coffee commercials they only show at Christmas.

But you have to admit that the final scene between Amy and Andrea was amazing.

Frankly, Darryl, or whatever the redneck's name is, is the only one (besides Glen, of course) who deserves to live.

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Kristi R. December 10, 2010 at 7:29 pm

I have worried about zombies since I was a little girl & my grandfather let me watch "Night of the Living Dead" with him on tv late one night.

Honestly, it does make you more aware of what head-bashing weapons you have in each room (hammer, bat, large piece of wood, etc) and situational awareness isn't a bad thing. 🙂

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Chloe December 10, 2010 at 6:04 pm

Robin, I wish I had the faith you have.

Susan, you are right. I already have zombies eating my brain! Zombies are like the terrorists: they've already won. I wouldn't worry about this if Jonah were still here.

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Robin December 10, 2010 at 5:28 pm

I think the biggest poochie would have a few little moves that would surprise any Zombies planning to invade your space.

I also recommend the Red Rider bb gun (don't shoot yer eye out) for the lights on your side of the neighbors house. *plink* dark *plink* dark* continue until sufficient darkness is achieved

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Susan in the Boonies December 10, 2010 at 4:48 pm

See?

A post like this one proves that the zombies have already begun their evil work. The fact that you are now worrying about zombies and thinking like this PROVES that zombies ARE already sucking out your brain cells at night.

They're just taking their sweet time, savoring you.

A meal this tasty? You don't wanna eat it all at once.

You, my dear, are SLOW food.
They keep coming back for more and more.

And they say there's no irony in life. HA!!!!!

My code word that I must type in to leave this comment is "playmug". I think that dovetails nicely with my whole premise. They're toying with you.

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