My 19th Nervous Breakdown

by Chloe Jeffreys · 48 comments

in Mental Health and Aging Well

No. I’m not fine.

There is nothing currently fine about me.

I’m bugshit crazy beyond any bugshit crazy I’ve ever been in my life–and that’s saying something.

In the words of that Great Philosopher, Mick Jagger, (who I find myself quoting a lot lately, which just shows how bad my mental health really is), “Here comes [my] 19th nervous breakdown”.

 

Maybe I’ll be fine again someday, but it won’t be for quite awhile, I’m afraid.

The only good part is that I’m too crazy to pick fights on the internet this time. That’s an improvement, I think.

It seems that life has seen fit to rip open each and every old wound from childhood all over again so that it can watch me writhe on the floor in psychological and emotional (and physical) agony.

Yippee, fucking, skippy.

I’ve lost a shitload of weight. I’m glad I bought those skinny jeans because they are currently the only pants that fit me and even those things are beginning to hang a little loose.

I’ve burned off all my Botox® sobbing into my pillow for hours on end. It’s all just so fucking sad.

Every year since 2007, I have had at least one major life catastrophe.  I took this test only to find that my score indicates that I have an 80% chance of seeing unicorns, alien spaceships and/or thinking I’m Eleanor Roosevelt within the very near future.

Life just sucks.

And then you die.

 

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{ 48 comments… read them below or add one }

Michelle/6 and not finished February 13, 2012 at 11:19 am

Chloe, I’m sorry honey. Will be praying for you. {hugs}

You can’t begin to know how many times I have thought of you in the last 6mo. I just kept thinking about all the changes you had gone through with PSP/the Hunter and then your dear son. To how you ‘lost it’ and how you found your ‘groove’ again. I remember thinking how couragous you were and how I felt so bad for you. That it shouldn’t have to be that hard, ya know? Well I find myself there, needing to find my groove, or get one as I may have never had one.

I had a breakdown in Sept after my oldest moved away to college. Not only that, but she has her FIRST boyfriend and I haven’t been there to see it or be apart of it. Not that that should matter really but it was important to me. He’s a great guy, MAN…8yrs older than her! Talk about a hard adjustment for me, but it isn’t about ME. Wish I could learn that, sigh. But I digress, I have never felt so lost and worthless ever. I always thought doing the very best for your husband and children is where ones value is found. I gave *everything* I had and didn’t have to my family. I love them so damn much, ya know? Only problem is, I lost myself along the way these last 19yos. I have no idea who I am. What I like. What I want to do with my life. Heck, I once was an organized mama with a meal plan for the month. Now each day that comes I haven’t a clue what to feed my family and my house looks totally ‘lived in’ if you get my meaning. ;) I can’t beleive I have come full circle with my children, oldest at college and one left at home. What will I do when she goes to school in the fall? Probably have another breakdown… So I am lost. Tho, trying to find my way, to find ME.

All that brings me back to you, Chloe. I miss seeing you on the forum and have totally appreciated your blog. You have always spoken truth…raw truth. I need that, thank you. I do pray for a bounty of good days to come your way, you so deserve it!

Luv ya, Michelle

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Chloe Jeffreys February 10, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Okay. So I have to admit that even though I think you are a bitch, you have given me the most heartfelt belly laugh I’ve had in days and days. Thanks for that.

I promise to get back up if I can ever find my legs again.

I’m a bitch too. And a fucked up one. Maybe someday I won’t be so fucked up anymore and we’ll be able to work it out.
Chloe Jeffreys recently posted..There is No SpoonMy Profile

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lesley February 6, 2012 at 6:55 pm

I just came across your blog and wow do I truly enjoy and in many of your heartfelt posts, identify. Your honesty, grit, courage, not to mention your writing style, is simply so inspiring. From someone who has yet to graduate from the moleskine, your blog certainly has motivated me to think about making the leap.
Thank you for bringing such wonderful insights into the blogosphere!

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maria February 4, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Hey,
I am sorry you are not feeling well at this time. I hope it all gets better. I send you lots of love and a big hug.
Love,
Maria R.

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Chloe Jeffreys February 10, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Thank you. It is getting better now. It’s just been a sucky year so far. I’d like at least one day where I didn’t find out something distressing.

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Leonana/Sherry February 4, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I’m sorry you in such a bad place. I had a temporary nervous breakdown three years ago, and it’s definitely no picnic. I hope you recover very soon. Sending lots of prayers and good thoughts your way, along with a big cyber hug.

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Chloe Jeffreys February 10, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Thanks Leonana! Nice to see you as always. No, a nervous breakdown is no picnic. But sometimes is necessary. I appreciate your cyber hug. I think I’m going to make it through the looking-glass eventually.

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Leonana/Sherry February 14, 2012 at 4:49 pm

I’m glad you’re blogging, because I miss you on the forum. Yes, breakdowns seem to be necessary, but I still rant at God for making them so painful. I was co-dependent, and getting out of that way of coping really rocked my world. But things are better now, and my marriage and relationships are better. But I’d do it differently. I think more people would be willing to learn important life lessons if it were similar to getting a massage or drinking really great wine.

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Leonana/Sherry February 14, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Aacck! An “are” should be in that first sentence.

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Annika February 3, 2012 at 5:10 pm

You didn’t answer my text. I think I need to come get you tomorrow so I can plump you up with ms and peanut laden yummy sauce. No crazy train talk – promise. Though I do have to work nocs tomorrow. But hey, I don’t need sleep. Are you up for it?

Praying for you every day!
xoxo,
Annika

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Chloe Jeffreys February 10, 2012 at 2:52 pm

MS and peanut tamarind sauce?!?!? My favorite!!! I’m doing better.

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Sally January 29, 2012 at 11:52 am

So, I think maybe you could have your own reality tv show, “19 Breakdowns and Counting.” Of course, then we’d need to help you name each one, being sure that the monikers all started with the same letter. “Meet my breakdowns: Despair, Despondency, Deranged, Desolate, Dismal….”

Agreeing with others about your writing being beneficial for others as well as yourself.

Obviously I am in no place to give you specific advice, but I do want to encourage you to keep struggling to see whatever is the bigger picture – whether that is about your past or your present. Freedom to live with joy is a gift, and I’m struck with how desperately I need others, and especially Someone, to remind me/show me/help me take hold of it.

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Chloe Jeffreys January 29, 2012 at 9:37 pm

LOL

I really like this idea!

And I like the idea about keeping a hold of the bigger picture. I am usually a person who can see the forest through the trees, but I’m afraid that I’ve lost my way right now. I can’t wait to reach the summit and see what I find there.

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Stephanie (Just Me) January 29, 2012 at 10:32 am

I have no brilliant words… just sendin’ you some love.

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Chloe Jeffreys January 29, 2012 at 9:35 pm

I always love some love, Stephanie. Thank you.

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Amy January 29, 2012 at 9:07 am

The upside is that when you are down, there’s nowhere to go but up! (wait. When ppl say that to me I want to slap them. )

Why am I on your do-not-call list?? Lol
Amy recently posted..7 Kids: 7 times I slept when I supposed to be parenting my kidsMy Profile

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Chloe Jeffreys January 29, 2012 at 9:35 pm

You do not know how encouraging this thought is for me right now. Once you’ve hit bottom then there really is only up after that. This too shall pass.

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Ruth Putney January 29, 2012 at 8:29 am

Having been there more times than I care to count, I’ll share what I (finally!) learned: go with it. Skipped steps in our healing create an inevitable do-over. Trust your being to know which path to take, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You’ll come to the other side stronger and wiser and proud of your tremendous accomplishment. Go girl — you CAN prevail!

Ruth

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Chloe Jeffreys January 29, 2012 at 9:34 pm

Ruth, thank you for posting this. I think you are dead-on right.

I can see in the past where I tried to skip steps before and those are the very areas that have broken open and are weeping pus all over again.

Humans wants to avoid pain, but sometimes sitting in our ashes is the most healing thing we can do. Thank you for the reminder and encouragement.

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The Reader January 29, 2012 at 8:19 am

Nothing witty or wise to add. Just more prayers and cyber hugs.

How can my heart ache so for a situation I know nothing about being experienced by a woman I’ve never met or spoken to on the phone even, yet feel oddly connected to???

This can only mean, even bat-shit crazy, you are a woman who makes an impact on people. Yes, even a good one (impact).

Back to the prayers, before my witticisms get me into trouble.

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Shorty January 29, 2012 at 11:23 am

Well said, Reader- how can such a thing happen? Chloe has and indeed is making a lasting impact on a large group of people- I believe she will be astonished in heaven when it is revealed how her suffering, and sharing of it, has impacted so many. I wish I could say something full of wisdom or healing, but I have only empty words to offer.

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Chloe Jeffreys January 29, 2012 at 9:33 pm

It is nice to think that somehow someone’s day is better even when I’m ranting.

I think there is nearly as much to learn in the darkness as in the light. It’s just harder to avoiding stubbing your toe.

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Susan in the Boonies January 29, 2012 at 5:50 am

Yes. It IS hard.
Thank God for friends.
Susan in the Boonies recently posted..Lime Cardamom Frozen Yogurt with Brandied CherriesMy Profile

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Chloe Jeffreys January 29, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Yes. Thank God!

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Judy January 28, 2012 at 11:02 pm

Sorry you are having a hard time too. I have pretty much gone insane over the last few months too. I cry at least once a day. If you are Eleanor Roosevelt can I be Martha Washington?

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Chloe Jeffreys January 29, 2012 at 9:31 pm

You certainly can be Martha Washington! I’m always open to a companion. We could make public policy and a nice batch of cookies.

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Carrie January 28, 2012 at 10:26 pm

I thought it was Keith Richards that was the philosopher. There’s a book…

http://www.whatwouldkeithrichardsdo.net/index.htm

:D

Other than that, I’ve got nothin’

Sorry, Chloe.

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Chloe Jeffreys January 29, 2012 at 9:27 pm

bwahaha! I think that would be a good website to use to make decisions. Whatever Keith Richards would do…do the opposite.

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Texanna January 28, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Sorry you’re suffering (AGAIN!) While our circumstances are different, the being at a low again resonates with me now. It’s scary wondering if you’re always going to be like this and a helpless feeling (can you tell I have control issues?? :p) Maybe we should go wallow in Job or Davids less perky Psalms.

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Chloe Jeffreys January 29, 2012 at 9:26 pm

I’m beginning to wonder if I’m not just a perpetual whiner. But I do promise that it does really suck right now. I’m not so far gone as a blogger that I’m making up suck yet.

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Robyn January 28, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Life does suck. Some days it doesn’t. Some days it shines.
Hope you soon will shine.
(((hugs))) real hugs when we meet!

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Chloe Jeffreys January 29, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Thank goodness not every day sucks.

Today was a shinier day, Robyn.

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Lance January 28, 2012 at 7:13 pm

we’re going through similar periods. so similar I posted about my 8 yr old daughter asking me about puberty Friday and titled it 19th nervous breakdown….great crazy minds think alike…
http://lancemyblogcanbeatupyourblog.wordpress.com/2012/01/28/19th-nervous-breakdown/ hope it makes u left

hang it there….you are a really good person…light comes after darkness
Lance recently posted..Dyslexic HeartMy Profile

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Chloe Jeffreys January 29, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Thank you, Lance.

It is always nice to meet a fellow-traveler even if the road is muddy and rocky and the inns along the way only serve cold, stale bread and moldy mead.

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Anne (@notasupermom) January 28, 2012 at 6:57 pm

How is it possible that Keith Richards looks better today than he did in the 60’s?
Anne (@notasupermom) recently posted..Vegan TalesMy Profile

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Chloe Jeffreys January 29, 2012 at 9:24 pm

That’s the great thing about ugly. Apparently one can only get so ugly until they start to look sort of beautiful.

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ginnymae January 28, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Chloe, you said THE “F” WORD!!! Oh, my stars.

I feel ya, sister. I really do. Cymbalta is my new best friend. I think my hubs still sleeps with one eye open.

I love you, too, and you don’t need no stinkin’ botox.

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Anne (@notasupermom) January 28, 2012 at 7:00 pm

“I am shocked–shocked to that find gambling is going on in here.”

You should hear Chloe talk about her chicken collection.
Anne (@notasupermom) recently posted..Vegan TalesMy Profile

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Chloe Jeffreys January 28, 2012 at 7:06 pm

I love those roosters. I hope they let me take them with me to the home.
Chloe Jeffreys recently posted..My 19th Nervous BreakdownMy Profile

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Anne (@notasupermom) January 29, 2012 at 5:49 pm

I don’t know if there will be room. They are enormous.
Anne (@notasupermom) recently posted..Vegan TalesMy Profile

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Chloe Jeffreys January 29, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Once again, you know how much I DO love a big cock.

Jack February 2, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Anyone who quotes Casablanca is ok in my book.
Jack recently posted..I Can Teach You How To Write More Interesting PostsMy Profile

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Jamie January 28, 2012 at 6:54 pm

I’m so sorry you’re going through such a hard time. Sounds like you’ve had way more than your share of crap to deal with, so I hope somehow, some way, the load lightens soon. If it helps at all, please know that I think you are awesome and very cool.

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Chloe Jeffreys January 29, 2012 at 9:23 pm

I think you are also totally awesome, Jamie. It is always wonderful to see a familiar and kind face in the midst of the storm.

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Kristi R. January 28, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Aww, honey, I am sorry. I’m glad you don’t imitate Mick in looks, though you may be as skinny right now.

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Chloe Jeffreys January 29, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Thank you, Kristi.

I think the weight loss has at least leveled off for now. My husband insists I have butter on everything. I’ve found that even butter is better with bacon.

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Julia January 28, 2012 at 6:49 pm

See, even when you’re going batshit crazy you can find a way to make me laugh! “That Great Philosopher, Mick Jagger”?! Really?

Am I going to have to come out there and cook for you? You really don’t want that to happen, but it might scare you enough into eating properly.

:-)

I love you and I don’t think you need Botox. You’re beautiful just the way you are.

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Chloe Jeffreys January 29, 2012 at 9:21 pm

It’s “batshit” not “bugshit”. Crap. I hate when I cuss wrong.

The one gift I received from my mother is the ability to laugh on the way to the execution. She was a pro at it. I miss her terribly right now.
Chloe Jeffreys recently posted..Are You a Good Witch or a Bad Witch?My Profile

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