The best thing one can do when it’s raining is let it rain (Longfellow)

by Chloe Jeffreys · 10 comments

in Mental Health and Aging Well

Today is a rainy, dreary day and I’m afraid that the weather perfectly mirrors my mood.  I’m on call at work sitting around with nothing to do, finding myself still sleepy from the time change, and pondering where shall my life shall go from here.  Idle, tired, and ruminating on a dark and dreary day is always an omnious combination for me, but I don’t feel depressed, just really, really pensive.  And while I’ve managed to avoid depression this winter through right living, it seems that even right living appears to have its unexpected and unpleasant consequences.

My knee injury continues to be an annoying and persistent problem and I’m coming to the unhappy realization that I will likely be dealing to some degree with this for the rest of my life.  I have been getting physical therapy for it and while I think that’s been helpful, rehab is a painfully slow and somewhat frustrating process.

On the advice of my physical therapist, Jason, I can’t really do any strenous exercise without irritating it and that is irritating me.  No running.  No squatting.  No lunging.  Period.  In fact, I have to keep my leg straight as much as humanly possible.  Thankfully, I have been able to adapt several of my Jillian Michaels DVD’s with limited success.  In particular, I really like her 6-Week to 6-Pack and Shred With Weights workouts, both of which I can adapt pretty easily–I subsitute my PT leg exercises for the squats and lunges–but clearly life without intense aerobic activity is starting to affect me a little bit.  I can walk up to speeds of 3.5 miles an hour on the treadmill and that just isn’t fast enough to get a sweat going and pump endorphins.  And the lack of those endorphins makes me feel sluggish and unmotivated, and, for some inexplicable reason, ravenously hungry for chocolate and cheese.

The treadmill thing isn’t a perfect solution anyway, because, along with my knee issues, I’m also now having a flare-up of plantar fasciitis.  It seems that the exercises I do that work for my knee irritate my PF and the exercises that don’t exacerbate my PF hurt my knee.  Sigh.  It is very frustrating.  And this seemingly unwinnable battle against pain has left me cranky and on edge.

On the good side of life, it appears that I’ve reached the end of a dificult four year cycle of my life.  And good riddance, I say.  Well not entirely.  No, I take that back.  I’m glad it is over.

The past two weeks have brought about some amazing things.  A week and a half ago, I went and met separately with a couple of pastors to clear up some issues that have been plaguing me.  One meeting went extremely well and the other went as expected (not badly, mind you, just as expected).  But the important thing is that I’m clear.  I said and did the things I was supposed to say and do and I’m not responsible for anything beyond that.  I feel very free now to continue on as a Christian as best I can.

It probably is no great secret to anyone who has followed me online that I’ve really struggled with my faith over the past four years.  Well, not really, just that I’m sure that it seems like I have to others outside of myself.  I don’t really feel that my belief in Jesus has wavered much, but my belief in the Bride has been shaken to its fundamental core. It’s like I’ve been attending a wedding where I love the bridegroom but can’t help but think the bride is an unfortunate choice.

I’ve been tempted to just give up as a Christian altogether because I’m so frustrated with what I perceive as small-mindedness among my fellow brothers and sisters.  But I just can’t let my Jesus go.  I do believe in God and I do believe that Jesus is God.  I believe it because I believe it, but I also want to believe that there is a loving God who somehow makes sense out of this world, and who makes sense out of me.  So, I’m going to believe.  But that opens up the next question: How then shall I live?

Now that I’m done raising up children and caring for my mother, I am free to once again wonder what it is that God put me here to do with the rest of my life.  Honestly, I’m not altogether happy with this question because I am quite happy with my life the way it is and this question always seems to go back to me returning to school.  I don’t really want to return to school, but now find myself doing just that.  I have three options on the table:  1) finish becoming a certified midwife, 2) become a nurse practitioner, or 3) get my master’s in nursing education.  Three different paths to get to the place I’m supposed to go and, for now, sitting in the waiting place wondering which path will open up before me.

In the meantime, Tick and I are getting ready for our trip to Paris in two weeks!  Gosh dern it do we need a vacation.   We’ll actually be spending a week in Paris, three days in Bath (taking the waters, of course), and four days in London (meeting friends from the internet and having a great time, I’m sure).  It’s always nice to have a sweet diversion when you’re in a holding pattern.  Because, thankfully, even on the rainiest days, if you can’t see the rainbow at least you can often find an umbrella.

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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Kristie March 16, 2011 at 3:41 am

I have been following you (somewhat silently over the years) and I never recall questioning your faith in Jesus! I so like how you explain your feelings regarding your faith in the bride and "her" being a poor choice. It resonates within me! Thanks for your words of encouragement!
Blessings-
Kristie

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The Hayes Zoo March 15, 2011 at 9:40 pm

Life is never stagnant is it?

I hope you have a FABULOUS vacation and are able to enjoy it to the fullest and leave all this pesky, detail oriented life stuff at home. 🙂

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Missus Wookie March 15, 2011 at 9:31 pm

Ugh on the PT and PF hassles 🙁 Hoping for clearness on the faith and church issues.

Yeah on the vacation plans!

Pst if you'd like to meet up whilst in London I'd be delighted to and will even offer tea and scones 😉

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Julia (Jmmom) March 15, 2011 at 8:52 pm

Pensive. That's a good word. And yes, I can identify with looking at the bridegroom and wondering "WHAT are you thinking?!"

My life verse is Jer. 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

It's lovely. But sometimes I point out to God that HE knows the plans, but it sure seems that He hasn't shared those plans with me…!!

I hope your vacation is a wonderful time of relaxation and refreshment. I hope that you figure out one or two things about yourself.

And I hope that you find some awesome places to shop! 🙂

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Stephanie (Just Me) March 15, 2011 at 8:44 pm

Sometimes God's leading feels so clear… "I want you to do this." Other times, though, He seems to offer options and ask us, "What do YOU want to do?" Looking at your possible career paths, does one stand out above the other two in your mind, as something you think you'd really love? Or could you throw your heart and soul equally into any of them?

Your upcoming European trip sounds so lovely! I hope you and J have a marvelous time! Post lots of photos, so we can enjoy it vicariously, okay?

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Cricket March 15, 2011 at 8:38 pm

Great post, Chloe. Much of it resonates with me, from the foot issue (I have a nuroma), to the bride being an unfortunate choice and my faith in it being shaken considerably due to current life issues, and even being in a place where life will be different after this year in a few respects, likely with my retuning to school.

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Robin March 15, 2011 at 8:18 pm

TWO WEEKS?! WOW. I am so happy for you and envious, too.
I want to go back there someday. *sigh*

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Susan in the Boonies March 15, 2011 at 8:00 pm

Can't believe that Paris is in two weeks!

My prayer for you is that God will very clearly direct your path, and that you and Tick will be in agreement, that "This is the way you should go. Walk in it."

Love you!

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