Blogher 2012, the Grandmommy of Blogging Conferences, is just moments away, and as I pack my bags before heading out to New York City (NEW YORK CITY!) I’m realizing the sad fact that I’m probably not destined for blogging fame and fortune.
This is going to come as a huge blow to my husband, who was banking on my earning our retirement riches by blogging. Now I’m going to have to break it to him that we will NOT be buying that beach house in Jamaica, or the timeshare in Peru.
No Machu Picchu this year, honey. Sorry.
Why have I come to this sudden and cataclysmic conclusion that my blogging future is doomed?
It appears that the secret to blogging success is getting big companies like Oscar Mayer and Disney to pay you to write AMAZING blog posts extolling the virtues of their AMAZING products.
After you write these AMAZING posts they send you to AMAZING conferences where you can be AMAZING and make AMAZING new friends who will then turn around and, because you were so AMAZING, buy these AMAZING products for their own AMAZING selves.
Then you come home and write about how AMAZING it all was.
I know I have the AMAZING part down. That’s a given. I was born to be AMAZING.
My mother told me.
But promoting products? I’m afraid that I’m missing the gene.
I was born to rage against the machine, not become a cog in it.
I was born to point out that the Emperor is buck naked.
I was born to be sarcastic and irreverent.
I was born to make fun of stuff.
And apparently I also was born to be poor for the rest of my life because I’m slowly realizing that big corporations don’t want to pay you to make fun of their stuff.
I can’t think of one company in the world that I wouldn’t eventually piss off.
(Except Botox Cosmetics® . I would never piss off Botox Cosmetics® if they ever found my little blog and wanted to set me up in a beach house in Jamaica where I promise I will write AMAZING blog posts every day about how AMAZING Botox Cosmetics® are.)
Aside from my big, fat mouth, the other obstacle standing between me and blogging success? I don’t have any babies. This is such a serious hiccup in the grand plan that I’ve considered inventing some.
See, blogging is a young woman’s game, and I’m an old, bitter woman ill-suited to kissing ass and gushing on about how AMAZING everything is. Everything is not amazing.
Grasp the problem here?
I’ve passed my marketability prime and my best blogging days are behind me.
This sad little splash of cold reality was delivered to me, subtly, via my one and only unsolicited private party invite to BlogHer this year, which just happens to be sponsored, in part, by Poise® .
Don’t get me wrong. I love Poise® pads. They’re AMAZING! I love them so much that I endured six hours of major surgery and 7 weeks of recovery hell to ensure that I’d never need them again.
It’s not that Poise® isn’t a great company. It’s the company that’s sponsoring the B(L)oomer’s Party, the one and only party at BlogHer that was willing to have me without me begging for an invite first. I love Poise® !
And I love B(L)oomers. B(L)oomers are my peeps. B(L)oomers are Baby Boomers who are Blooming, not getting old and dying. Get it?
This is my tribe!!
And if my tribe is the one peopled with women suffering from urinary incontinence, then so be it.
Except here I am–realizing only after the fact–that I’ve gone and had myself surgically removed from one of the few brands that gives a rat’s patoot about women in my demographic.
(Except Botox Cosmetics® . I’m pretty sure that once Botox Cosmetics® realizes the undiscovered gold mine sitting right here in my little blog they will see that women in my demographic want their AMAZING product and that I’m the AMAZING woman to tell them about it!)
Poise® isn’t the only sponsor. The B(L)oomer’s Party has other wonderful sponsors. You can check them out over at The Succulent Wife who, together with The BoomBox Network, is hostessing this magnificent event. (I see Epilady® is also coming. I do have this one nasty little chin hair that needs removing from time to time. Maybe Epilady® will be interested in me.)
I met Senior Editor of The Succulent Wife, Audrey van Petegem, and Marketing Specialist, Anne-Marie Kovacs, at BlogHer last year and they are both wonderful ladies. Audrey just turned 50, t00. I was truly thrilled to receive an invitation from them.
So, I don’t mean to be ungrateful, but here’s the invitation:
Gee, I don’t know why I’m feeling a little bit upset.
I’m going to put on my big girl panties, which will be a cute little black thong because I don’t wear pee pads anymore, and go–despite the fact that I suddenly feel very, very old–because this is my tribe; incontinence, chin hairs, and all. I know I will have a good time.
I wouldn’t miss sharing the Geritol® shooters with my tribe for all the world.
UPDATE: First of all, apologies to Anne-Marie Kovacs for misspelling her name in the original post. Second, my bad, but Poise is not actually sponsoring this party AT ALL. They are sponsoring their own party on Friday night. Cruelly, it is a comedy club event. I’ve decided to go just so I can show off my urinary continence. For a list of the actual sponsors of the B(L)oomers Party Event, check it out here: Magnificent B(L)oomers Party Event Sponsors.