This post first appeared on April 8, 2009.
So, yeah, my son up and left today to hop a bus (with a ticket) to San Francisco with $100 dollars in his pocket and his guitar and I guess some clothes. Sadly, he happens to know several young people who will happily enable him for at least a little while.
During all of this he called his grandmother and tried to get her to buy him a ticket to San Diego. She called us in tears as we told her very calmly that she could never do any such thing, and if she did she was risking his life. Our son knows dozens and dozens of people in San Diego, including one very pissed off lady who would love nothing better than to “show me” by aiding my son in rotting the brains right out of his head. He simply cannot be helped to get there. That situation was very touch and go, but in the end she agreed to follow our wishes and not help him in any way.
Sometimes my heart feels as hard as stone. I’m resolute. Even calm. This is the reality we’ve been trying to prevent for year now and in a weird way it isn’t nearly as bad as we thought it would feel. We’ve done everything conceivable under the moon and now this is simply the next step. Other times, I’m in the most agonizing pain imaginable
Georgia, the dog he got in treatment follows me around trying to help me feel better. She chews crap and gets on the counter completely ignoring us most of the time, but start crying and she is there in a heartbeat trying to make it all better like the trained $45,000 therapy dog she is.
I had to call my mom to tell her, and she’s agreed to carry my anger for me right now. I don’t feel anger (yet). My mom said the best words she could say, “You were the very best mother in the entire world and there is no reason for him to be acting this way.” There was some comfort in that. My mother-in-law has also been very complimentary towards our parenting and me personally as a mom which at least means we don’t have to face accusations and blame from our own mothers. I feel sorry that they are having to go through this pain again through their grandson. The Tick and I were simply awful to our parents and we surely deserve the sort of karmic retribution we’re now facing.
The night we conceived our son my husband and I had a fairly heated argument, but I also knew I was ovulating and I very much wanted another child, so my husband gave in and we resolved our fight in order to conceive this child. Funny how that keeps coming back to me. Right this minute I regret winning that fight and that’s the God’s honest truth. It isn’t that I don’t love my son. I do with all of my heart. But I do not want to drink from this cup. I do not want to know just exactly how much pain my heart can hold.
God brought a memory back to me last week that has been an encouragement to me. I’m too tired and wrung out to detail it right now, but the quick story is that I received a very clear word from God about my son when he was around 11. God said (not in an audible voice, but clear just the same) that raising this child was going to cost me dearly in every way and would bring me to the brink of what I could bear, but He promised me that in the end my son would be okay and I did not need to worry. I’m trying to hang onto this message I received in the light and not doubt it while living so desperately in this darkness..
Please don’t be mad at my son. As much as this hurts me, I believe that this is the path he must take.
We’ve completely cut him off financially except for his cell phone, and that won’t stay forever…we just haven’t made a decision yet. He has less than $100 to his name and nowhere to live. Sadly, he does have assorted enablers like I mentioned so he won’t be on the streets right away.
Please pray for strength for my husband and myself. Strength to love. Please pray for my mother-in-law. She’s having a terrible time. She needs prayers more than I do.
All I want now is for my son not to die. I worry constantly about this. A pretty boy, who really has never known anything but ease and comfort, living on the streets of San Francisco is a terrible thing for a mother to consider.
We are doing everything in our power to stay as calm and unemotional as possible in order to keep the relationship door open. It is our belief that we need to stay unemotional and non-reactive. Any prayers to that end would also be appreciated.
Rome. In less than one month, we’ll be spending our first night in Rome. I am looking forward to that very much. We won’t be taking any cellphones or computers.