5 Things You Can Do About Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis

by Chloe Jeffreys · 268 comments

in Sex, Love and Marriage

midlife-crisisNot every man has a male midlife crisis, but enough of them do–wreaking havoc on their lives and the lives of those who love them–that it’s become a cultural cliché.

Since Boomers are the ones who invented the notion that nobody over 30 should be trusted, can we honestly be surprised that people become a bit emotionally/psychologically unhinged when they lose the one most important thing in our youth-obsessed society?

If you’re a woman who is suddenly feeling like your life is spinning out of control because of your partner’s male midlife crisis you might be wondering what to do next?

What is a Midlife Crisis?

In 1965, psychologist Elliot Jaques coined the phrase “midlife crisis.” According to Psychology Today, symptoms of male midlife crisis include:

  • Discontentment or boredom with life or with the lifestyle (including people and things) that have provided fulfillment for a long time
  • Feeling restless and wanting to do something completely different
  • Questioning decisions made years earlier and the meaning of life
  • Confusion about who you are or where your life is going
  • Daydreaming
  • Irritability, unexpected anger
  • Persistent sadness
  • Acting on alcohol, drug, food, or other compulsions
  • Greatly decreased or increased sexual desire
  • Sexual affairs, especially with someone much younger
  • Greatly decreased or increased ambition.

No one is immune from having a midlife crisis; it affects men from all economic strata. Men who haven’t reached the goals they set for themselves as young men might fear they will never achieve those dreams, while affluent men who have achieved their goals might wonder, “Is this all there is?”

The question is: How can a wife cope with her husband’s male midlife crisis?

5 Ways You Can Cope with Male Midlife Crisis

1. Don’t panic

Overreacting won’t help anyone. Your husband’s behavior might be strange, but who’s not allowed to do some odd shit in the face of losing their youth and coming to terms with death?

If your husband has lost his perspective, now isn’t the time to lose yours.

If you’ve suddenly stumbled upon a secret porn stash, take a deep breath. This is not the end of the world. Almost all men view some porn, and it almost never has anything to do with whether or not they love or desire their wives.

And contrary to what you might have heard from the women at church, it RARELY indicates addiction!!

While I do believe that porn viewing can become problematic, you might have to reconsider whether this is a hill worth dying on in your marriage. Many women live perfectly happy lives knowing their husbands views some porn from time to time..

But what if there’s more to his sexual fantasies than porn? You might be wondering…

Is my Husband Cheating?

That got your attention, didn’t it? If so, then you might want to pay attention to what I’m going to say next.

2. Join in

midlife-crisis2NO! I’m not saying go for that three-way he’s always been fantasizing about! But if the alternative is adultery, who really cares if he buys a new car, takes up with the rodeo, or decides to hike the Pacific Crest Trail?

Let him buy the car. Go shopping with him! If it’s a convertible, buy a pretty scarf, take rides into the countryside, and give him that fantasy blow-job he’s always been dreaming about. (Pull over and park for safety’s sake!).

Truly, what is the harm If he wants to relive some of his youth, or do things he’s always wanted to do before he dies? He isn’t getting any younger. And neither are you.

My husband has taken up karaoke. Competitive karaoke. I’ll wait here until you stop laughing.

If there is anything that’s more boring, annoying, or a bigger waste of time in my mind than competitive karaoke, then I don’t know what it is.. But my husband loves it, and he’s good at it. He’s won us trips and money doing it.

I’ll admit that at first I thought his fascination with karaoke was silly. I made fun of him, and after going a few times told him that he should go alone.

And that’s when I learned…

3. Don’t Hand Your Husband Over To Other Women

Just so happens that there was this girl from work who thought my husband’s karaoke was terrific. And she told him so. Often. She told him that she wanted to be there any time he sang, and she gave him her cellphone number so he could let her know when he was going.. And thus began a little texting thang between the two of them..

For the record, when I found out about it I broke Rule #1.

I’m not excusing men or my husband, but you need to know that young women today are extremely predatory. And they are after your husband.

The dearth of marriageable younger men, coupled with this crazy fantasy that your husband actually picks up his socks and does not fart under the covers, has turned young women today into ravenous husband stealers. It’s officially called “male poaching” and one sizable study found that 90 percent(!) of single women were more interested in a man if they believed he was taken than in a man they thought was single.

Author of the best-selling book, Not “Just Friends, Shirley Glass, writes, “…extramarital relationships today begin at work.”

What starts off as an “innocent” friendship can blossom into a full-blown affair. Strangely enough, your husband might not realize he’s being preyed upon. He’s just basking in the attention he so desperately craves.

If you don’t take anything away from this article, take away this:

If you don’t pay attention to your husband, someone else will.

If your husband has a job, and all of his teeth, then I gall-dum-damn-guarantee there are some women at his job who want him if you don’t.

So go to his karaoke competitions, go along for the ride in his new convertible, or cheer him on at rodeo. Because if you don’t, somebody else just might.

4. Take care of youmidlife crisis3

#2 and #3 don’t mean that you should forget all about you. In fact, quite the opposite. There’s only so much you can do for your husband’s male midlife crisis, so you’d better start thinking about yourself.

Now is the time to take that class, start your blog, or buy those art supplies.

While you might be tempted to isolate yourself out of embarrassment, now is not the time. Find a community where you can safely share your struggles.

Be honest with yourself. Are you feeling a loss of youthful vitality, too?

Take care of the body you have and stop obsessing over your flaws. Don’t set outrageous weight loss goals! Just exercise, eat right, and drink plenty of water.

Remember that sexual desirability is not about size, age, or looks. Being sexy is an attitude of openness towards giving and receiving pleasure.

Nothing is more fascinating than a woman with interests and passions of her own who feels good in her own skin. Fascinate yourself, and you’ll find others are fascinated by you, too.

5. Get Counseling

If you tell me you can’t because “he won’t go” I’m going to reach through this screen and throttle you right here, and right now.

Over and over again women say to me, “But, Chloe, my husband won’t go to counseling!”


I’m not buying it.

Because over and over again I’ve watched these same men, who supposedly won’t go to counseling, BEG their departing wives for counseling to save their marriages as the women are walking out the door.

I’ve seen this so many times that I think there should be a name for it. And it leaves me wondering, “Who really didn’t want to go to counseling?”

In the movie Hope Springs Meryl Streep’s character does exactly what I’ve been coaching women to do for years.

  1. Tell your husband in no uncertain terms that you believe your marriage is in serious jeopardy and could end in divorce if something doesn’t change.
  2. Find a therapist and make an appointment.
  3. And then go whether he goes or not

If he goes with you, that’s great. If he doesn’t, you’re going to need counseling anyway to help you figure out how to live your life without him. Either way, it’s win-win.

What if it He Wants a Divorce?

The mere thought that this midlife crisis of his could end in divorce can be paralyzing, but I’d be naive not to recognize that it does happen. Divorce was on the table at one point in my own marriage.

If you are wondering how in the world you can ever start over again, here’s a great article by my friend, DA Wolf, from Daily Plate of Crazy on how to start over in middle-age.

What about you? Have you ever had to deal with your partner’s male midlife crisis? What tools have you used to cope? Are you still struggling with male midlife crisis? If you’re a guy, I really want to hear from you!

If you agree or disagree with me, I’d love to hear about your experiences and learn what you did to cope with male midlife crisis.

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{ 266 comments… read them below or add one }

MsLady August 13, 2017 at 11:42 pm

Comments to Craig go double for Scooter. Hope you figure it out soon. You both sound bitter.

Matisse has great, sound advice. Love that! Wishing happiness to you; you sound patient and kind, and I am glad your guy got through the fog and back to you when so many men can’t find their way back. I hope everything continues to be great your way.


MsLady August 13, 2017 at 11:30 pm

Alexa, you say that if women kept their knees shut, men wouldn’t cheat. Stating the obvious, if men kept their pants zipped, they wouldn’t cheat on their women. Do you think men are so pathetic that you think they have no control over themselves? Not all men cheat; not even most. You need to learn some respect for good men.

Or, you should get together with Craig. He apparently thinks men are so shallow that they cast off any non-nubile woman who, no matter the age, apparently gang up on him for his precious attention. Newsflash, Craig: I’m over 50 and have more male attention than I want or need, and I live in the most vanity-stricken part of the country (West valley of LA, CA). I have had a long marriage and maybe I will find a man of substance. In the mean time, I indulge my own intellectual pursuits.

Good luck to the good ones here. Keep your integrity and be true to yourself.


Jyotsna Panchoo July 5, 2017 at 8:53 am

I am 35 years old, My ex and I broke up 5 months ago, the fault was from me, when i realized my mistake, I tried to fix it and take responsibility for it, But there was no way i could change his mind? I tried contacting him ever since we broke up but no response, and I tried to get him back and it didn’t work. I just realize that Contacting him and trying too hard to get him is pushing him away but I loved him and i still wanted to be with him but on the other hand i can see the outcome nothing was working out for me. i made a contact with a spell caster which i was introduced to for help me by a friend, i am gladly to say that the spell caster Dr_mack@yahoo. com brought back my Ex lover, this is great, wonderful,
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michele April 12, 2017 at 8:46 am

Oh my gosh, I need your help. I’m 51 andmy husband is52. Married 14 years. Sex is great. Our life has been best friends. I was a stay home mom for most of your marriage. Then he basically forced me to do d a job. Unknown to me he was starting g a relationship at work with another woman. His boss. Supposedly he initiated and lied finger but who really knows. Anyways he has ledft his job for a new one. Probably doesn’t matter seeing they both are still in the same city. He pro ises me it’s over but he is showing me how unhappy he is. As soon as I start asking questions his anger level goes up. He has stopped from making meals everyday like I always have. He no longer wants me to do his laundry. And his last job he started a new bank account t that aportion of his check goes iinto that account. He has multiple emails and my heart is completely broken beyond discription. What is happening????? He drifts off, doesn’t hear me most of time, no longer wants to do things around the house and has a defense system in place up agausnt me. I’m crying all the time. He has been my world since we got married. Many many pics of us over the years together n pics of me naked or other ones. Many many years of friends making fun of us because we have been inseparable. We always said we would not be like other couples. WHAT IS HAPPENING?????IM HAVING A HORRIFIC TIME COPING. I feel depressed and want to just cry oir scream most of the time. How long will this last? Will he one day just come to me and say it’s over? How can I make this go away? What can I do to see me as he use to? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US? ICANT BARELY GET THRU MY DAYS. every moment he is on my mind. I love him so much and this same love is repelling him. He cringes when I cry in front of him. He has no compassion for me anymore. He is not the same man he was. I am a introvert. I have no friends ,we just moved to another state a year ago. I wrapped my whole life around him. That’s what we booth did. Everything we did was together. I pray all the time. THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING TO ME. IM A HUGE MESS. I ALMOST CANNOT GET THRU MY DAYS AT WORK. SOMEBODY PLEASE MAKE THIS STOP!! I don’t know what to do anymore. Communication is not going well. Counselling iis out. But the only thing iihave been able to maintain with him iis sex. I know when this stops it’s over. Sex is and has been a huge part of his life and ours. What do i do to make this stop. I don’t know what he is thinking. I don’t know how long iI have with him. I want to be sick! I’m afraid he made me get a job so he will be able to leave me easier. My daughter is going thru puberty at the same very time. He was a awesome Dadto his children but now I see him slowly fading from that role. I love him so much. I HATE THIS!!! WHAT CAN I DO?I NEED HELP P!EASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Alice April 12, 2017 at 9:09 am

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John Moore March 17, 2017 at 2:22 am

Well ma situation is actually reversed maybe is due to the fact she is older than me just by few years no biggie right but i feel her fading away! Evenso tat today she told me tat sex in the relationship wasnt important¡!¡! Then she wonders y i dont get completly aroused!¡ i love fallacio ok am hooked been since young now alll sudden i lack receiving it n literly have to beg for days which turn into weeks wich sad to say they turn into months to the point i make bets wit her n win them n still dont get rewarded i bring her flowers they go unappretiated n i get no emotion from her watsoever so i stop n think y am i duin this y bother am i ever gonna get tru to her tat our relationship is failing do to this n it has become a bitter monetery life wat happen to our spontanious moments we said to never let go ove i even had to look back on old homemade tape to try and remember how it felt n i know it was great so great tat i guess now it has become a priviledge i cannot affort¡! I know at the moment i dont have a job and i have no choice but to depend on her n its sad for any man to say this but its not like anyother relationship either cause wat ever i ask i must pay bak to her wen i get ma lil chek once a month but even sacrifising tat i get to respect or recognition n its not like im not trying jobs just hard to come by specialy to b able to match wat she makes¡! Unfortunaly am way to familiar wit the work relationship envorment n as i sit and put all these peices together the more thought i put in the more i believe tat i have already been replaced ” u know wen the say “uve been walkin a straight line all sudden u side stepping” tats exacly wat accord soon as she got this job n i deff am not 1 to believe in coincedences “absolutly everything in this world happens for a reason” n if u dont believe tat then ur a fool n u deserve it n maybe i do to cause as many times tat she has repetivly kik me out her house (i shouldve heaved the warnings n not had come back the first time) but i have come back every two weeks i get trown out by her n i get the “its all mine” line far to familiar wit it n i still come back maybe after couple days to give her space n time to miss me n she has her way everytime ofcourse i fall pray to her crocodile tears like a fool but to me its obious in one ove those times is when my replacement application got filed.¡! I no longer get loving messages or phone call to be honest if its not to pik a fight or start a fight or simply start by saying a smart remark to tick me off n boy she knows the exact buttons n everytime ive come back i told my self to let things she says go n not jump the gun n retaliet instead let her vent n say wat she needs to say but tat might be an inlightning act as far as filling the blacks to the puzzle cause behind every mean message or every angry word stated there is a big portion of truth tat has just been bottled up n finally released u know those damaging words tat u dont know wether to reply or let it go like ” i hate you” i regret u” i love our baby, but i shouldve never had a baby wit u!¡ like i said damaging harmfull backstabing never againg hatefull words tat cant be taken bak after said n for her to apologize for it haha i got better luck playing the lottery so if i do react to it her next message after tat is no other than well get the f*** out ma house n take ur shit wit u witch she very well know i have noone but her i got nothing ive lost everything and even more damaging to my self-steem n my love i lost a big piece of my life my life b4 her my oldest daughter. I swear i promise id give anything and everthin to go back to when it was just me n her ¡! I feel like ive betraid her n i know she fells like i gave up on her evendo i will never but it all happen so sudden n over decision i made by listening to her n duin wat she asked of course i know ur child come b4 me but dont put urself up b4 ma child it was known baggage that was accepted from the begining from both of us more sacrifice on my behalf do to the fact she had 2 n i only had my 1 but as everything we dont see the true colors at first glace n i was blinded by her wanting to be a part of us so much tat i put it all on the line n accepted her offering to move in wit her¡! (This was my biggest fail this is were i lost owner ship of wat was mine n caved in to her proclaimed paradise without thinking just acted sponteniously right tat was the motto just go wit it n i went all the way head over heals my flaw was the lack of companion n stability n mothernal affection i was looking for us n there she was just appered in front of my eyes as we say a flash from the past “high school secret love (cause of age at time) n i bet all the chips i had save up n took a huge gamble n put it all on DESTINY tats wat we called ourselves n tats wat we named our baby girl but destiny isnt really destiny witout a lil karma right so i put tat on there as well its been years since n am still in this struggle of tryin to keep us alive n part of eachother but deep down i feel it all sliping away n dont think for a second tat am perfect am far from it if u couldnt tell by my choices no way do i put all the blame on her at all i played ma role n had my part n this novel of love lost n hate n my life n its just now im seeing the picture on the puzzle n its now tat i decided was time to get it off my chest n share wat i am going tru n wat i feel nothing i havnt told her before however still see no chaces of change so i must put up or shut up n ive shut up for quite a while bow more or less 3 years now n again its nothing i havnt asked n confronted her b4 this to fix i just see no positive reaction or any action as to wat i though would be the solution to our “lil” flaws n cracks we been posesing over time i cant give up but i refuse to give in there no 50/50 she would specify from my behalf monetary attributes n i would deeply specify tat it has a great deal wit our sex life but dont both make u happy y u gotta choose 1 as more ove a priority than the other i know ive played the fool part for quite sometime now but am i gonna continue living this way or should i sacrifice my dreams n put my desires on the back burner just to keep this “family/frien/relationship” at this point to her recent comment i really dont know wat to call our little vicious circle we call life but this is not wat we had n wat we had was greatly short live mainly because our own quick to gump the gun action did wit set ourselves for failure instead of the destiny we were so longing for i mean we did create a destiny 1 tat comes with great responsibility tat i know shes aquipt to handle n i put ma two cents in ofcourse but at this point i dont trust even myself left alone wit my thoughts i cant help but think i say i named her karma but all as in good karma cause without it there wouldnt be bad karma but have i brought upon my self to repeat the cicle and because of my selfish desire i might have just planed out my whole downfall n didnt think to put a ladder to later wen i get to tat point wich all in due time will happen be able to climb out ove knowing there will be noone at the top to give me a hand out ove it tats a garantee or i can also choose to wait patiently for the rain to come pouring (not nowing how long it will take ) ill be down there for waiting for the right moment n float to the top till am out or i can loose everthing again n drown because ove all the weight i have been continiusly vigorsly cariing over the 28 year ive been on this earth we all are born to die as we came ALONE N WIT NOTHING but its our choice wat we do while we live wat we create of try to atleast but is it worth the time spend on grasping every thought collecting every piece of puzzle puttin it to play just to find out uve failed n must restart n continue to ur death wit noone wit nothin but certainty tat that will be ur tru destiny only real achievemebt after it all were u will finally be at peace wit yourself or so we hopefully assume we do should i march on n make a new path of personal spontaniousness n self satistfaction n gratification or give it the liltle i have lext n try to hold on to fate at last or so we shall belive n hope would reach a final resolution b4 our destined time comes to death do us part¡!
Food for thought¡!
Tell me wat u think about it share it if u feel the same or if u believe i am wrong or right expeess ur point n let it be known¡! I got nothin to hide¡!


johanna March 10, 2017 at 6:17 am

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Holly Hagan March 10, 2017 at 6:15 am

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Bethany Vitaro March 10, 2017 at 12:44 am

The man with this Email Dr.mack@yahoo. com who lives in (UNITED STATE) did a love spell for me about 3 days ago and my Ex reconciled with me……….


Sherry kivin February 23, 2017 at 7:20 am

Hi, I came across this article after googling my husband stating to me he “feels like he’s going through a midlife crisis” he hasn’t expounded on much but left me that to dwell on for a while. I hear “midlife” and I start panicking rule #1 on the what not to do…

Any other books, articles you could recommend. I felt as though giving him space is what is called for. Is this a no, no?


Therese January 21, 2017 at 7:05 am

Don’t let your husband control your life find a younger man handsome & file for the divorce. He needs to get it together & be present love you. If not get counseling & go divorce with you. Maybe be on be smart he isn’t giving you a choice


Scooter January 20, 2017 at 7:54 pm

Give him plenty of sex?
What a joke. Part of his problem is that monogamy isn’t natural. But society is structured so that ‘good’ men are stuck with fat old women that they feel no longer feel ANY sexual desire for. Sorry ladies but that’s how your 50 year old husband feels. He feels stuck and taken for granted by a woman he nolonger feels anything for physically.
Sex. As a women you CANT know how important that is to a man. He still needs and wants a physical connection but not with you. He’s had you a hundred times. Been there done that. And if you’re 40+ you’re not attractive anymore. That’s why if some okay looking younger woman comes along he will literally trash his whole life and risk financial ruin for another shot at ‘love.’
Our definition of love is not the same as yours ladies.
And, to make things really depressing, he knows young desirable women nolonger want a guy like him. Paunchy, financially strapped, probably balding, can’t keep a good sustained erection, etc. Who the hell wants to be with the poor bastard? Certainly not the women he finds attractive.
So, here we are stuck in this boring empty relationship waiting for a weekend so we can watch football and maybe jerk off. Usually you’ll find him drinking and just staring off into space. Life is neither fair nor unfair. It just is what it is.
So, give him plenty of sex? Haha. Yeah, right.


Tammy Pappan June 24, 2017 at 9:06 am

I liked what you posted, but would like to here if you found a way to mend what has been lost. Thanks for describing my boyfriend. He is trying fifty and feels like he has nothing to show.
Thanks for sharing your opinion. It made me see things differently.


blanca mark January 4, 2017 at 4:29 pm

i want to say a big thank you to Holy prophet for what he has done for me and my kids for giving us a reason to smile after all that happen when my lover left me but since contacting Holy prophet l can boldly say my lover is back to me just within 75hours of contacting him, Am short of words on how to say thank you for saving my family. holyprophet8@gmail.com


Matisse January 4, 2017 at 8:01 am

Giving him lots of sex, love and compassion he is hurting. Not easy aging & turning gray.


Alexa December 26, 2016 at 6:20 pm

Thank you for bringing up the spouse poaching phenomenon. I am trained in psychology and warn women about this all the time. Most of the time, they get mad at me because it’s a reality they don’t want to admit is there. My husband and I both married at 30. We both had high power careers. Women were trying to poach him even when we dated because they knew of his high status career. Did they care that I had an equally high status career that required schooling and brains? Nope. Did these women care that I did fitness modeling on weekends and dressed to the 9’s? Nope. It got worse as we got older and several women have not even tried to hide their intentions when I am around. I have continued to take care of myself financially and in the appearance department. I have lots of creative hobbies too. But one day I will no longer look 20 years younger than my biological age. And one day someone will come in for the kill. All I know is that I will be a force to reckon with. I got married fair and square and waited 10 years to find the one. I never poached anyone or even tried. After all, who wants a man who cheats? Who wants to be the woman who cannot get a husband fair and square the right way and instead wants to break up a man’s family? I always told myself I would never even look twice at a married man and I never did. I waited my turn. If someone tries to come along and truly tries to get him away, she will be sorry she ever even tried. I know a wonderful and beautiful woman who lost her doctor husband to a predatory and classless nurse. I am so surprised this wife didn’t fight harder. And I am even more surprised this doctor refers to himself as a moral Christian. May all spouse poachers get instant karma and may all husbands be returned to their rightful families. I have always said that if all women kept their knees shut to men who are not their husbands, then adultery wouldn’t happen. Ladies, if he is married, walk away. Wives, don’t lose courage. Show the would be mistress that you are fierce and will not allow her to break up your family. These spouse poaching women are the nastiest examples of humanity.


Liz Flanders December 5, 2016 at 7:07 pm

Some of your advice doesn’t ring true for those of us whose husbands were secretly cheating, then when discovered, left the home and aren’t interested in returning. There seems to be a whole new wave of sites assuming we can all save our marriages by being the bigger person, swallowing our pride, indulging his flaws, waiting it out…
But what if you don’t know if you’re going to want him back after all the damage? Repairing broken trust is long and hard work. Midlife crises can last a long time if narcissism and substance abuse are involved. How do you even know what person will emerge out the other side?


Nicole November 30, 2016 at 11:37 pm

Please help!! I believe my relationship “may” be going through this! We’ve been together for 12 years, occasionally breaking up for a month or so over something petty, then getting back together and him acting as everything is fine and nothing happened! That’s not what concerns me, this time he’s been dealing with major changes in his life the past year and a half. He’s been under so much stress, leaving a job he’s been at for 15 years, to having to start another business all by himself with no help, working up until 7-8 at night, then finally getting home to just work more! He’s been so calm about it, but you can see and tell he’s so stressed! Not to mention we have our own life where we have rental properties along with remodeling an apartment building, that has completely been left on my shoulders to deal with on my own since he’s too busy. So I know, now looking back I’ve stressed him out a lot as well! Anyways, so besides that, everything seemed ok! Easter weekend came up, he finally got a 4 day weekend, and I suggested we take a short getaway to Atlanta! He loves that place, I thought it would be nice for him to just get away from all the phone calls, work, just life in general and take a breather and time out for himself! He agreed! We left had a great time, came home in time for Easter, went to my family’s Easter gathering. Everything was great! Monday rolled around, and everything was normal, he came home..I began cooking his supper….then here’s the surprise…..I heard a knock on the door….it was a deputy….at our house….while I’m cooking HIS supper….to serve me with a PROTECTIVE ORDER!!!….where the heck did that come from?!!?? I thought it was a joke! Especially, considering a month beforehand we were looking at engagement rings!!!! I was so shocked! Of course I left. It was for 10 days, so considering I’ve never had anything like that, I thought…okay, give him 10 days to rest, relax, get some time to himself and maybe that would help him. Well, there was a court date, I thought since I left him alone, didn’t call or text or anything…that that was it….oh nooooooo, he got it turned over into a year restraining order. I didn’t know I had to be there, or to get a lawyer or anything. Since then he has been all over the place. He agreed to let me take over the loan and just make the monthly payments without having to actually get the loan in my name. Then turns around, adds $30,000 to the house, then turns around and says that I HAVE TO NOW get the loan in my name (which he knows I can’t, because I have no w2’s to show since I’ve always worked with our rental properties), then as of now if I DO get the loan, he’s taking all the rental properties away from me. It’s like he wants me to move on, but yet does everything in his will power to NOT let me move on! I told him, all I want is the house, and for him to go his own way! That way we’d both be happy and we both can finally put this to rest and go our separate ways. It’s like the one thing I want, the harder he tried to NOT let me have it…keep in mind he doesn’t want it! Since the night the deputy showed up he hasn’t ONCE stayed a night there…that was 8 months ago! He’s been living with his brother and his g/f and kids. He’s been paying my car payments, both of our names are on it, along with the insurance. He lets me keep all the money from the rentals. He’s a complete different person! So cold, if I meet him to get some clothes from the house he yells at me, starts throwing my stuff outside, is very angry…I don’t know why though!?!! I’m soooo confused, all I did was eat, sleep, and breath him to make sure he was happy! He used to be so caring and compassionate…now I don’t know who he is! This has been going on for 8 months!!!! He bought a brand new Porshe, has started new businesses again with his brother, is traveling everywhere with a NEW girl that’s only 3 years younger than me, but with 2 small kids!! I’m just devastated, hurt, confused, I don’t know even HOW to move on from this! I’ve got NO explanation, it’s like he just checked out of life! Someone please help! I’m so lost, I try to get up and be productive everyday but I believe depression is sinking in! 😢


Matisse January 4, 2017 at 8:05 am

Be extremely loving & kind. Tell your husband you love him & can tell he is going through major life changes. Go & have fun be independent don’t think any more about it. If he is near you hug him love him & give him plenty of sex. Don’t be dependent on him cook him yummy meals. It’s time to be compassionate. Don’t think of you when he is around. However, don’t depend on him anymore take care of your needs, desires and wants. He will be back if he truly loves you.


Matisse January 4, 2017 at 8:09 am

Also, go out and date other men if he leaves you. When he contacts you say if you can’t be here I need a life. I’m going out and making new male friends. No I’m not doing anything bad honey just enjoying my life too. If he loves you he will be back. Love is so much more then all of it or him out chasing other women. He will realize what he is losing if you hold your head high. Be a high value woman he isn’t the only man on this Earth. Let him know other men will snatch you up if he isn’t home with you.


Lisa January 4, 2017 at 10:23 am

Exactly! That’s what I did. It worked, I enjoyed my time away from him with other men and he saw what he was messing up and loosing and came back. Life is too short to make one person, no matter who, make you miss out on enjoying yourself.


50shades Ofblond February 7, 2017 at 8:36 am

I am going through almost this same exact thing. It’s because we remind them of the stress they have to deal with. The other woman has no attachment to the stress that was part of the crisis. When they look at us they see worry and anger. They almost learn to hate us because they hate the feeling they get. I am still in this current situation and I am trying to be as supportive as possible as we have, no children but dogs, businesses, properties, and we’ll have been together for almost 12 years. We were best friends and I don’t mean that in the sense of oh it was a fairytale. We were truly best friends and now we are lucky if we go the day without arguing. It’s like he is this careless, cold, selfish person I’ve never met before but is super caring for everyone else. Let me keep you in that we did have a very good love life and I do take very good care of myself , this did not help in anyway. But however whenever I do leave or try to he gets very confused and down. My 21 yrs old employee/ friend had recently broke up with her bf and had seen our relationship for years. And all the while I was telling her she deserved better she clearly thought she deserved mine. I am getting stronger everyday and starting to realize that I am a hell of a woman who deserves to be treated right and getting out and approached everyday helps you realize this. Good luck this is the hardest thing I have ever had to see us go throught emotionally, and mentally xoxo


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Lisa Smith November 19, 2016 at 9:52 pm

Hi all,My husband is going threw this and its making me sick to my stomach.I gave all to this man.I believe hehas been going threw it awhile he never was satisfied with his vehicle so we would pay a year on it and he would trade in for another thsi has been going on for 13 years he is 54 now.That caused us to go into bankrupsty and he has blamed it on everyone but him.Now he has passed the porno stage and going into a place in chatterbate.He doesnt know the internet well so i started him emails when he first started and know every password.And he thinks he deletes all messages for people on there but i recover everything.I dont tell no one whats going on and its driving me mad.
Sometimes i dont reconize the man i married 35 years ago.Now since bankrupsty he went and got a camaro to make him feel good.I am at my whits end.I was raised not to step out on my husband but am starting to feel why not.He has a hard time with keeping certain things up but i dont care about that.Whats sad i know i dont love him anymore as a couple but he wants to keep marriage together even though he does not know that i know what he does.I wanted to get this off my chest and was wondering is there any place i can go to to talk to other woman who are going threw this.Need a break from this midlife crisis,i am starting to hate him.


Pauline December 14, 2016 at 6:05 pm

I so feel for you. I am 49 and my husband is 50. He is currently chasing a 32 year old woman he works with by whatssapp text and calls. He’s denying everything but I have access to his whatsapp account. It’s killing me but as he won’t admit it I don’t feel that we can move on. He still wants to book holidays etc with me and I am so confused. Save some money and get out, that’s what I plan to do


Kel December 30, 2016 at 8:26 am

This happen to me I look over and see a name of a coworker female I’m shocked and of course he had an excuse of why he was going to text her and then everything flips to how I need to change my ways smh I’m in awe I don’t understand nor know what to do


Deb french November 12, 2016 at 10:23 pm

Hi my husband had an affair but not sure how to describe it- I don’t think of it as a midlife crisis – i just get so angry and feel totally betrayed by his actions . It happened over a year ago .
January 2015 I was diagnosed with breast cancer.i was 58 my husband 59. We have been married for ten years. The whole of 2015 was taken up by treatment chemo and numerous surgeries. The end result a bilateral mastectomies and complete reconstruction. In October 2015 I discovered he was in a relationship with a younger woman who was one of our clients. The relationship had been for two months. Initially they were both full of denial and calling it a “friendship” as they hadnt got round to having sex. Just numerous catch catch ups , coffees , constant phone calls telling each other how beautiful she was and how they loved each other , and over 4000 txt messages! we have been in counselling both individual and couples ever since . I thought by now I could have let a lot of my anger go. I do love my husb and and believe he regrets his actions but I just don’t see him in the same way anymore. I don’t understand how he checked out on me when I needed him the most. I don’t understand how one woman could do that to another woman.She had met me ,knew I was struggling with breast cancer but they were both just so bloody selfish. So while I say I love my husband there are days when I ansolutely loathe him and I hate her. If I hadn’t have been so sick I would have seen the signs. It’s all so obvious now but life through a chem fog is not as clear . I feel ashamed- all around me I keep hearing of wonderful husbands who have been great supports for their wives. Everyone is always telling me how lucky I am to have had Geoff stand by me. What a joke. I feel like screaming sometimes and telling everyone what he was really like. he says it was an escape from what was going on as he hated the cancer and what it was doing to me. I just feel that is the biggest cop out I have ever heard


Cristina Eggart November 12, 2016 at 3:11 pm

After 24 years together and two great kids, my husband(49) blinsided me and left! He said he doesn’t want a ” comfortable marriage” and he wants to do new things. There were no signs, we had good communication and a very decent sex life. I think is a crisis because he became obsessed with getting in shape, he was already in great shape, he’s been a cyclist for more than ten years. But now is doing pilates and yoga and had become so narcissistic, just weighing himself everyday and checking his muscles on the mirror… he left two weeks ago and already going out with his much younger female friends from yoga and pilates, I’m devastated and haven’t been able to sleep at all, already lost ten pounds, this week I’m going to start therapy because I can’t keep living like this for me and my daughter who is still with me. I’ve been a stayed at home mom all this time, so I’m terrified of what’s next.


Jackie case October 31, 2016 at 2:55 pm

My husband left he’s seeing someone he cheated with, he gave me herpes and 2 kids we have been together 23 years midlife crisis? I need advice


Debfrench October 30, 2016 at 3:56 am

I got a lot of comfort reading these post. Two years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My husband and I run our own business. To the outside Geoff looked like he was the perfect dupportive husband. Since then I have leant he spent the year of my illness addicted to porn sites. The other event that totally took my breath away was that he had an affair with a women who was one of out clients. Truly I don’t know who to hate the most


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charity perry October 7, 2016 at 11:03 am

This is unreal…everything i read is just saying to sit back and give them a free pass to be mother fuckers!.
No…you dont get a pass on fucking over your wife and children. .


Alice October 12, 2016 at 12:58 pm

Amen. Thank you for that. I think in all the craziness to “understand” why people do this, we forget that as a society, commonly we accept it. We have to STOP that. It isn’t acceptable to put someone through this trauma, it just isn’t. There really is no excuse. Thank you for saying it, for saying what we were all thinking.


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Brianna S. July 25, 2016 at 5:48 pm

My husband came home 5 days ago and dropped the bomb–blindsided me–telling me he hadn’t found me attractive in many years and wanted a divorce. I kicked him out and refuse to see him. For a long time there was no intimacy. He wouldn’t come near me. He never complimented me or did anything considerate. He became very self-centered and obsessed with buying this one piece of property. I was furious about the divorce. I absolutely believe in the mid life crisis. Every story I read describes him–the vacant look in his eyes, how he talks to me now in a monotone voice, says “it isn’t you, it’s me”, and he has zero explanation for why he feels the way he feels. Women, do NOT engage with these men. They will screw with your minds. DETACH. I am doing quite well now that I made the decision to detach and act as if nothing he does or says matters. I saw an attorney today and my stupid husband is going to pay out the ying yang for this decision. He was hurtful. But I am looking forward to moving on and taking care of me rather than focusing on his issues. Sad thing is that we have a 5 year old son. This is a very real condition. Otherwise, how is it that all our stories are so similar. Something is going on. Call it this, call it that, it doesn’t matter.


Wow September 28, 2016 at 7:31 pm

This is very similar to my story. Mid August my hubby started being quiet and not himself. He wanted to be alone all the time, suddenly. Eventually things went from bad to worse. He claims he filed for divorce for absolutely no reason. A couple of months ago he was bringing home flowers for no reason. He loved me so much and always has. He loved his children to the end of the earth. Now he has dropped us like we are nothing, packed his clothes and left. He won’t even call his kids of me, and is extremely depressed. He hasn’t drank in the 17 years we have been together until now. He says and does so many confusing things. He gets very jealous of other men if he thinks one is interested in me. He even cried when I told him one was asking me out. This was the first emotion I have seen in months. I do not want a divorce. We just bought a new home and I can’t afford it by myself. My kids and I will be homeless. I saw an attorney and he will have to pay me lots of $$$ but I love him and don’t want to cause him to have a miserable life, even though he has caused this. I pray daily he opens his eyes and sees what he is doing.


craig July 23, 2016 at 7:29 am

There is no such thing as a mid life crises. Everything that has been posted here is nothing more than men making adjustments or transitions in their lives.

A crises is an intense time of difficulty, danger, or trouble. A man cheating on his wife is a transition from his wife to another woman. It is not a time of trouble, danger, or difficulty to the man. It is an adjustment. You women need to get over the fact that your guy no longer desires you. Buying a sports car and getting into great physical shape is a positive, not a negative.


Stac August 25, 2016 at 7:20 am

Sure craig …get a job and go see a dentist. Your the balding douche in the red corvette. Mid life crisis!!!


Kathy Burger July 15, 2016 at 6:52 am

My husband started off with the line its not you its me 16 years of marriage we hava a daughter together and he now living with another women younger yes now he is drinking smoking pot having the time of his life but still comes here and has sex with me makes me believe we will work it out then leaves to her after my heart is broken he says he will always love me as the mother of his child and he dont know what he wants but not a divorce what im i doing help please is this a midlife crisis and can it be fixed


Katie August 23, 2016 at 11:46 am

Hey there Kathy. I am in a somewhat similar situation. My boyfriend of almost 9 years has also decided that he wants to be with other women. A lot of other women. He has turned into an alcoholic that doesn’t remember what he does half of the time and he does the exact same thing to me. He will come down to my room (I am living in the basement – finances) and cuddle with me almost everyday and tell me how much he loves me and then he gets up and goes off to work – or wherever – and has multiple relationships anywhere from former employees of his that are half his age, to multiple escorts to even some transsexual men . . . I am at a complete at total loss myself and I am sorry that I do not have answers. I was just hoping that maybe some words of someone going through something similar might be helpful.


Kathy Burger September 28, 2016 at 7:37 pm

Well we are tryinv one last time to see if we can make our marriage work but im still terrified it will happen again


texasmom July 14, 2016 at 7:49 am

My husband is currently in Hawaii alone. Who goes to Hawaii to watch a romantic sunset on the beach without their wife? He’s gone to Vegas alone and to Padre Island alone for my birthday and called me and said that we don’t do anything for my birthday anyway.
In the past he’s taken last minute vacations alone, which i didn’t care about, camping, hiking, etc.. but when you go to a party place focused towards singles or to a tropical island paradise, that’s a different story.
He’s also been flirting with girls his daughter’s age.
I’m fed up, he’s made me feel undesirable and treated me like someone less than his wife. I no longer seem to be a priority to him.
All his behavior is doing is teaching me how to live without him. Are marriage cannot survive much longer under the current conditions. He’s made me fall completely out of love with him when he started pursuing the neighbor’s young wife and spending 7 days a week with her and involving alcohol and drugs. Yep. I’ve had it.


Alice July 14, 2016 at 11:11 am

Are you sure he is in fact alone? It does sound questionable. I would be concerned about the flirting with young women, many men going through this are looking to prove they are still viable men who can please any woman. And honestly, those young girls have not the faintest idea of how much work you’ve put into your husband to get him to where he is.

Its to me that you are tired, frustrated, and tested out. I would think about what kind of life you would like to live, and then have an honest discussion with him. It may be that you decide it’s time to call it quits. Just do it with thought.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. The anger does fade, and the sadness will come. But then you begin to move through the states of grief. It’s been a little over a year for me, and the anger is still pretty powerful, but it is slowly getting better.

Hope this helps you! I’m here if you need to vent!



Wendy Lye July 3, 2016 at 11:18 am

Hi my common law spouse has started staying away all weekend. He leaves friday night after work an doesn’t come home til Sunday evening.When he does this I can’t get a hold of him at all he ignores my texts. He tells me when he gets back that he’s out of cell service but I can see hes been on facebook. He says hes not having an affair and I’m inclined to believe that cuz hes not been interested in sex for about 6 months now. He says he just wants to have some fun and hang out with his friends, something he hasn’t done in yrs. When he says that though he reminds me of a teenager, all he needs to do is to add the whine in his voice and it would be just like talking to my son when he was a teenager.
So what do I do, some advise would be appreciated cuz I think I’m going insane.


Alice July 7, 2016 at 5:44 pm

Sounds like a line in the sand kinda moment. You are not going insane. It is a hard thing to watch and I’m sure hard to experience–but coming from the watcher viewpoint, you need to protect you. Decide what kind of behavior you can and cannot live with. And then — have that not fun conversation. I’m so sorry you are going through this–I totally understand how much pain you are feeling. I hope things turn around, but if they don’t, just know there is life at the end of the whole thing. Hugs to you.


Courtney July 7, 2016 at 6:33 pm

Thanks so much!!!!


Wendy July 11, 2016 at 5:30 am

Well we finally talked and he gave me some incite into whats going on in his brain. Alot of his childhood friends are dying and its freaking him out, and got him wondering whether hes next. His weekends away are spent revisiting old childhood haunts of him and his friends, so I guess you could say hes in mourning, I can understand this. Add to this his ED, thats got him questioning his whole manhood… then ya hes having a crisis. Hes agreed to text me once a day when hes gone and text when hes on his way home, this I can live with. So Im using the time to reconnect with old hobbies and maybe dust off my art supplies …hopefully things will work themselves out .


Mommy32015 June 21, 2016 at 1:08 pm

Hi, I do believe my husband is having a midlife crisis. There is a big age difference between us (15 years to be exact). My husband is 39 years old. I’ve noticed a huge difference in him since we met and I fell in love with him. He in the past year he started acting more like a 21 – 25 year old. He changed his appearance dramatically. He has the long flipped out hair. Kind of like Justin Bieber! He also has gotten to the point that he doesn’t want to stay home with me or his son. He constantly wants to be on the road ridding around with his young friends. I’m talking about like 18-20 year old kids. We have split up a couple of times but not due to this situation. I’m just trying to figure out what I can do to help get back to the old him. The guy that I fell in love with. I’m not the only one that has noticed this drastic change in him. It’s not just his looks but his personality has changed tremendously. Please HELP!!


Alice June 24, 2016 at 6:10 am


I’m not sure there is anything you can do. He may naturally snap back to the old him, or he may forever be this man you don’t recognize. This happened to me a little over a year ago. It ended in a horrible, painful divorce. My ex continues to be a man I don’t recognize and is now engaged to a woman the same age as his daughter. I had to choose to move on with my life, and to leave behind the life I shared with him. It was an awful and very painful thing to experience. I am so very sorry for our pain. I know how you feel, the women on this site know how you feel. You are not alone.

Think about the woman you were before you were his wife. What makes you happy outside of your marriage? Try to chase that. I had to redo my entire life to just escape the pain and betrayal I was feeling. I wish you the best of luck. I check this page often…the author was so helpful for me, and I wanted to give back.

I hope things get better. There is a light at the end of that tunnel. I promise.

hugs, hugs,


Lisa June 25, 2016 at 6:31 am

I totally understand what you are saying. I took back my husband but he is a different person. I am now thinking, I need to go. They never really come back.


Still*trying June 5, 2016 at 9:38 pm

My crisis started with my alcoholic husband who had been sober for 8 years began drinking again and tried to hide it from me. Then one Sunday out of the blue my husband ( of 23 years, by the way) text my cousin’s ex wife (she’s like 27 or 28, really curvy, and 115 lbs) and on Monday about lunch time she gave me a call. Apparently this wasn’t the first time my husband had reached out to her but it was the first time he ask her out along with telling her how very beautiful he always thought she was.
I was broken. I had never heard him call anyone very beautiful. I confronted him and surprisingly I kept my cool. He couldn’t believe I had found out. He promised in a tipsy state of mind he thought it would make him feel better to have sex with a younger women.
The next couple of days was rough and I made an appointment with a divorce attorney. The same day of the appointment he had planned a fishing trip with our youngest kids (14 & 17). The kids didn’t want to go unless I would go too, So I went. I spent the day alone in a boat with my husband, and everyone else couldn’t hear us talk so I thought here goes.
I ask him why, what’s happening to him? Why start drinking after all this time, he was a bad alcoholic, he made really bad decisions and would drive drunk, he had had 3 accidents. But he was throwing away 8 years of sobriety.
We talked about everything his depression, and how he felt like he was getting so old ( he’s 45), a lot of his high school friends were getting sick or dying. He wanted life to be fun again and have somethings to look forward to.
Some of it made sense to me and somethings didn’t. But I did start trying to see our life and the things we did from his perspective. Like how did he see me?, or how often did we have sex, or did we have fun together? Well most of my answers were not good.
I looked at some of the pictures he had taken of me and kids in the yard the week before and erased some of them, I looked awful. I mean I get fixed up when I go somewhere but just around the house l looked like my mother (a comfy not too gray grandma). That’s when it hit me, I had left my young happy self behind, to become a 44 year old fixing to be over the hill women that I didn’t even recognize.
After our talk we agreed to try for 6 months to make things better I had requests for him and he did for me as well. We’ve only been on this journey for a couple weeks now so far so good we have had a few slip ups with the drinking (I ask him not to drink without talking about why first and definitely no getting drunk)
I have been doing more to look like the girl I used to be and in doing this I’ve found that I enjoy being able to be me, and not just mom. I did let things slide that I probably shouldn’t have like shaving my legs, lol.
Oh, and I’ve definitely turned up the heat in the bedroom!! I’ve started asking to do new things that I was afraid of before and some of them I really like. I just thought if I kept him tired and guessing what’s next he’ll have less time to think about depressing stuff or somebody else….


Sadandinlove May 16, 2016 at 12:22 pm

Me again….:( I am trying my best to live my life, but its difficult. I am so very concerned for him and so very scared for him. I spoke to him this morning, and he sounded very unhappy. I asked how he was doing, and all he said was ok. He gives me no info. They say that a mid life lasts for 3-5 years, he has been seeing this trash now for 3 years, does it get better? Im so very lost, sad, confused. I miss him every day, but hate this person that he has morfed into. Does anyone else feel the same way? He tells me that he is not sure if his “other direction” is going to work. Yet, he tells me that I assume so much. UGH I hate this I honestly hate this feeling. I came from such a great life with him. A great life with each other, and all because he could not communicate that he was unhappy for a while he did all this to destroy our marriage, when EVERYTHING was fixable. 🙁


lostandalone May 17, 2016 at 8:22 pm

I am in what I think is the replay phase of a MLC with my spouse. I found out that he was “talking” to a woman at the other end of his job and when I confronted him, the world came crashing down. It’s been a month and now he lives in one room and I live in another. There is a red mustang convertible in my driveway and he stays out all the time. He tells me that he hasn’t made a decision about what he wants, but he certainly acts like a man who 5 weeks ago loved me and now hates me. He barely speaks to our kids ( they are grown but 2 are home from college), he has run through over $2,000 in 3 weeks on nothing but gas, food and beer. He isn’t telling anyone what’s going on, not even his children. The only thing he has said is that we are having problems and that is to just 2 people that asked why we weren’t together. I love him and the issues that he told me were present in our marriage are really easy to fix with communication, but that isn’t something that he does much of and hasn’t for a while now. I have promised that I will give him space to sort things out and still have been paying bills, cleaning, washing his clothes…etc. I’m not sure when to just tell him to get out or wait for him to sort things out. This is torture!


Alice May 31, 2016 at 1:26 pm


You’re me 12 months ago. If you look back in this blog’s history…you’ll see my posts. I had the exact same experience. One day I was happily married, the next day he asked me for a divorce. He brought his mistress to Sunday dinner at his parents’ house that weekend. He pulled all of his financial support from our checking account, and he moved out. He never spoke to me except to tell me he didn’t understand why he was feeling this way, he just was.

I feel your pain. I remember those days with a flinch. I cried more tears than I care to remember and wasted a whole lot of energy on what “could have been.” You need to stop torturing yourself. He’s made this choice, and now, you need to live for you. Time to find you again. Find that girl you were before you become his wife. Women are so good at forgetting themselves and becoming another person for men. We forget that we have needs and desires, we have dreams and goals. You deserve happiness, and the joy of knowing love and giving love. Don’t be afraid to move on.

I did. It took months…many actually. But I did move on. I started to date. It wasn’t easy at first…and it still isn’t. But it is progress. I met some amazing friends. I have a life now. It forced me to really look at what was happening in my life…and helped me realize how truly unhappy I was. If you need to talk…I’m here. I’ve been where you are, and there is light at the end of that tunnel. I promise. Hugs, hugs.


Donna May 31, 2016 at 1:52 pm

Hugs to everyone who has gone through this. I am one of the wives whose husband has actually come back. He tried dating his divorced, high school girlfriend with 3 kids and found that she was “loony bin crazy.” Not a shocking revelation to me but he had to find that out himself. He tells me he loves me all the time and she was not the answer. I will never know what the question was but I have decided I can live with that.

Don’t get me wrong, I am glad he is back but he is not the same man who left. He is depressed and mopey a lot of the time. He makes statements that it is all downhill health wise from here. He wants to leave his good job in a few years and open his own business. I can live with this. I am doing what I can to make him smile and I leave him alone when needed. I continue yoive my life as i did when he was gone. Sometimes I see glimpses of his old self so I know he is still there.

Just wanted to let everyone know that sometimes they return but are not the same.


Sadandinlove April 29, 2016 at 3:57 pm

I am not sure if my very new ex husband (as of yesterday) is in a MLC. He met this “trash” when he worked for a company about 3 years ago. I never knew at this time that he was “unhappy” in our marriage of 20+ years. He never said anything to me about it. He has since as of 2 years ago, walked out on our daughter and I to lie and cheat his way with his “trash”. He has lost everything, for 1 person? And he filed for divorce and yesterday it was granted. He says that he loves me very much, but hes not in love with me, he has bought a new car, with money he does not have. I love him with all my heart, and I NEVER wanted a divorce. I really would want him to come home and forget all of this, but he just says he is not ready to come home and that he is “going another way” He has no friends, barely any family, his kids don’t speak to him because of what he has done. I have tried everything I can to make him realize that I forgive him because my love is stronger than my hate right now. I want to let go, I just cannot seem to and im frustrated, hurt, I cry all the time. And I miss him terribly. I don’t know what to do.


Devoted April 30, 2016 at 12:25 am

I hear you Sadandinlove,

Just as we are looking for answers on the internet, our derailed husbands are also looking for answers.
I just want someone to tell me what to do and then I realized that that is not how life works, we have to accept change and the more I resist change and hold on to whatever the more turmoil I feel.
We too have a life to LIVE!

God bless,


Lisa April 30, 2016 at 6:38 am

You have it right!


Sadandinlove April 30, 2016 at 7:56 am

Do they ever come back? He honestly has nothing but her. He gave up his home, family, friends, money. Everything for 1 person? It’s not like him at all. Ive gone round and round with him rehashing everything and in sure that’s pushed him away I just don’t know how to stop doing it. It frustrates me.


Lisa April 30, 2016 at 8:14 am

Sometimes they come back. Mine did, but after he found out how much better off I was without him and that I love him but he was not my life. God is my life. Also he found out that, what’s out there is nothing compared to what he has here. So my advice is, even though you love him and it’s tearing you apart, move on with your life. I started my own business, started walking with my true best friend, my dog and we walk every day through nature look at all the beautiful things that God made and it’s marvel at its beauty. That took my mind off all the ugliness that happened with him. After he saw that I was doing fine and he wasn’t, he came back. This may not work for everyone but it did for me. Find something that makes you happy to take your mind off him and all the mess and show him you are good with him but you’re also good without him.

Artemis April 5, 2016 at 4:07 pm

This article is lighthearted, but men that experience severe MLC reject everthing. They reject their spouse, their family, responsibilities, morals, an on. I have been dealing with this for a year and a half and have been an emotional wreck. I tried everthing to please him and it only made him treat me like dirt. Last week he told me he wants a divorce. I now i need to move on, but we have been married 21years and I am devastated. I can’t seem to let go. This is a nightmare like I never imagined. My heart goes out to everyone dealing with this. I just started Lexapro, with the hope it will numb my heart.


Ish April 18, 2016 at 7:57 am

I am so sorry to read all this .. ((Hugs)) , I am in the same boat


anonymous April 19, 2016 at 11:40 pm

I went through an early mid-life crisis. My wife mocked me, called me names, and moved away to finish grad school on my dime. I am now divorced and getting married again.. and so much happier. Divorce would not have been on the table had she been supportive.


Need answers April 20, 2016 at 12:18 am

My husbands is one and he is throwing and old female friend in my face from 15 years age and trying to heart me it worked for 2 years know year three she is married happily for the most part I know they are just friend but how he throw her owner life steel heart I know he love me he is showing more and more respect when it comes to he everyday. He has pushed most of his friends always and his family and we are wonderful for 4 or 5 days they he starters sleeping all the time mode swing then un reach able he looks at me with love in his eyes which has not happened in so long then cold and raging mad how can I deal with this without it killing on the inside I feel like this hall will never end .plz tell me what I needed to to to help him and to keep me sain were he leaves alone for good this time it less and less every 2 or 3 mouths know but it makes my heart bleed and I’ve lost 115 ib sense this has started I don’t know to make it throw with my heart attached . I love him been togeather for.13 years plz help


Sadandinlove April 30, 2016 at 8:00 am

I am in the same situation. It’s a horrible feeling. My divorce was final just a few days ago. Something I never wanted and he didn’t either. Maybe we should talk ? I feel for you.


Kris May 12, 2016 at 8:25 am

I am going through the same thing and prescribed the same drug. I am struggling day to day to feel better. I don’t know how I’m going to make it.


Mia March 26, 2016 at 4:28 am


My husband and I had been together 20 years with two kids. Were devoted to each other or so I thought. He became distant last year then said he was unhappy, didn’t love me anymore. Stuck it out for 3 months then he left, moved 45 mins away. Started introducing our kids to a female work colleague. Denied anything. Found out from his phone bill he’d been texting and calling her for months. Still denied anything…he was just confiding in her because he was so unhappy with me!! Now he has moved in with her and her daughter. I am devastated . Can not believe he has done this. His responses to me now are surreal….like a different man. He wanted the kids three
Weekends in a row over Easter..I said how could he think I would say yes to them staying in a house with someone I don’t know for three weekends in a row..his response ‘ do you want to meet her’ !! I think this is a midlife crisis. Help


Donna March 23, 2016 at 2:27 pm

I read this article & some of the comments from readers. I have only been married for 6 months. After 3 months of marriage where we were very happy & in love, my husband lost his eldest daughter in a tragic car accident. I had only met her a few times but was devastated for him & supported him through a very rough few weeks of funeral & family get togethers. He had been getting increasingly angry & I tried not to take this personally as is a symptom of grief. 2 weeks ago my husband got angry over a very minor incident & said he was leaving. He said he wasn’t happy with me & hadn’t been for a while. I asked him did he think it was grief & he said no. So 2 weeks have now passed where he has refused all contact with me & has offered me no explanation. I finally had a response from him last night where he says he wants to buy a camper trailer & live in with just the basics. He doesn’t want to own any belongings & live a nomad lifestyle. He said he would love for me to join him but knows I like my comforts & wouldn’t join him. I don’t know what to do. I love this man with all my heart & waited until I was 49 to marry ensuring I had found the right man for me. He is 50 & I believe the death of his daughter has caused this internal crisis. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.


kallen musonda March 15, 2016 at 7:44 pm

The situation of mildlife crisis in marriage became volatile when a couple, have live for so many years without the fruit of the womb due to circumstances beyond their control.In Africa the perception and cultural understanding, adds pressure to it as well


Lily February 24, 2016 at 9:51 am

I read this article with interest.

My husband started a midlife crisis in 2008, at age 41, a year after his only sister died leaving a young daughter. Husband woke up one day and said (to himself), I’m done. Done with family, church, marriage, homeschooling, country living, etc. He didn’t tell anyone.

He spent 4 years on the fence, some emotional and texting affairs, etc. Then he started the serious “replay of teenage years” stage. He bought a red convertible, started going to the gym and adding muscle, changed total clothing style, new music, all the typical symptoms.

We have two boys at home, who were baffled along with me.

In 2011 I heard “I’m not in love with you any more and won’t work on our marriage”. Eventually the pressure got too great and husband moved out in early 2012. He immediately fully immersed himself in the party scene. I did my best to change the things about myself and our home he was unhappy with, but to no avail. He said “too little, too late”.

By end of 2012 he begged me for divorce constantly. I finally consented and filed with a decent attorney. He used the same attorney as I did in order to save money. We hashed it out and upon payment of the divorce fees, husband wanted to go to dinner with me to celebrate! Imagine!

Anyway, the time drew near at Christmas for the final papers to be signed and a week before the divorce was to be signed and final, he wouldn’t sign. Said he wanted to delay a month. Then another month. Then he started doing a few family things with me and the boys but wouldn’t be seen with me in public.

So little by little over the course of the last three years he has moved back in, and we have reconciled.

But…he is a totally new person. He has new habits, new values, new interests. And these darn party friends he made while he was gone at times vex me…partly b/c they still at times act like he is single. And partly b/c I haven’t exactly forgotten the pain they caused me by the parties and FaceBook pics they always put up with everyone always draping themselves over each other and my husband.

I am writing here…partly to just share…so many people haven’t been where I am. Many people have a spouse that has the crisis, but not as many get to the brink of divorce and then reconcile.

While he was going through the crisis, I had loads of compassion. But now that time has passed, I face some anger issues about the past. And about the present…he is so different than he used to be and I need to learn to love him as he is to stay together and have a happy family.

Our nest will be empty in about 5 years with both boys gone. They are definitely better off with their parents together — emotionally, socioeconomically, etc.

I love the advice in the article from Chloe…still applicable for me now in this situation. I even have bought a wig and wear it from time to time when we dress up and go to events (Halloween parties, Mardi Gras parties) etc. for something different. He loves it.

I really want things to work out for us to stay together forever. But I do at times resent that he is so different. I don’t always love his new hobbies. And I have put off taking care of myself as fully as I should. I had to embark on a whole new career instead of SAHM since I thought I would be single. So things have changed a lot for me too and not always the way I had dreamed it would be.

Would appreciate advice for someone whose husband has nearly completed a midlife crisis…coping with loving and being with a new person…who is really the same old spouse you always had! Perhaps the same advice as is in the article…???

Such as….

1) don’t panic (like don’t be angry at the past)

2) join in (engage in his hobbies–don’t just tolerate)

3) Don’t hand him over to other women (remember these party women are still predators like they were before)

4) Take care of myself

5) Get counseling (we have both had and I continue to seek counseling. Only thing is…I have been to two counselors that still don’t completely understand the midlife crisis. Last one said “you need to be warmer and more understanding”. Truly…I need someone to help me deal with forgiving the past and living fully in the present.)

Feedback appreciated…..


Lisa February 24, 2016 at 3:23 pm

Wow, you are so strong. I tried to do all the loving, supporting, understanding that I should do but after the 4th disrespect and disregard for our marriage, I am done. Hats off to you and wish you all the best, but its all about me. I know what they are going through is real but we hurt, we feel pain and if we don’t stop the abuse, who will?


Don March 16, 2016 at 2:34 am

Wow you are one strong woman to have put up with what you have!
Here’s a different perspective coming from a man myself
My ex-wife went off the deep end on me!
She went online at 58 talking to younger
Men and got caught up in a romance scam and lost quite a bit of money.
It was part of her inheritance.

When I found out about it I forgave her.
Her response was that she went back online talking to different men and wanting to go visit them.
Telling them she was 43 and not her true age.
Hiding her phone from me when I would walk in the room and going away to house sit and going out of state to stay with friends.
In all basically running from me!
I finally got tired of it and filed for divorce!

I in turn joined a gym and got myself in top shape and met a woman quite a ways away
Although it didn’t work out she has become a wonderful friend that I talk to on the phone everyday.
I now am connecting with an old friend that is very together after being on dating sites and got tired of it and the games on there.

My advice to you is move on and realize you are important and eventually you will meet someone who will love and respect you.
No one deserves to be treated like this!
The Internet has ruined many relationships and it seems our family values have disappeared!
My heart goes out to you and I wish you the luck and happiness you deserve!!


Cindy March 14, 2016 at 11:10 am

Lily, I cry as I read this. I’m in the same position. My husband had an affair and now we are trying to put the pieces back together, but unsure if we can. This is so hard. Best of luck to you! Cindy


MDS February 7, 2016 at 9:48 pm

Married for 15 years. We’ve had issues in the past but recently our marriage could not have been better. We both told each other how happy we’ve been and how much we love each other. Within 24 hours of telling me this my husband came home and says he’s not happy and not sure what he wants. He says he still loves me and whatever issue he is dealing with is all him, not me. He says he is just not happy no matter what he does. He says he knows he should be happy with me and our children but he just can’t and doesn’t know what’s wrong with him and he feels depressed. I told him I am here to support him because I know he is having issues and probably needs help or even medication. It’s been 3 weeks of him ignoring me throughout the day but he does kiss me good by every morning and snuggles with me at night sometimes. I am a crying miserable mess and he says he dosent want to come home because he hates to see what he’s doing to me. He says he’s sorry and he’s not trying to hurt me but thats exactly what it seems like he wants because he is continuing to do it. He left the house over 24 hours ago to stay with a family member to think about things. He gave me a long hug, kissed my head a few times and said he loved me so much and he was sorry he was hurting me. He said good bye to children and said he would see them in the morning. Well…it’s been over 24 hours, he is no show, no call, no text. Kids are upset now. I know he is going through a midlife crisis and needs help. I know he is the only one who can help himself but it’s taking a toll on my sanity and his relationship with his kids. How long do I wait and tell him I will support him?


Zone May 12, 2016 at 9:36 am

This is nearly exactly what happened to me in February. He hasn’t left though. Hugs to you! My husband said those very same things.


d January 14, 2016 at 11:51 pm

If you want to stay in a the relationship after finding out of your husband’s infidelity, all I have to say is to go our there and do the same. Trust me, it will numb the pain and you won’t be hurting so much and won’t feel any guilt either, being that he cheated. Now it’s even


Lisa January 15, 2016 at 8:23 am

Just because he was an ass hole with no moral standing, does not mean you should lower your standard to act the same. Rise above that and dont drag someone else into all that mess.


tina January 12, 2016 at 1:49 am

I think my husbandis having amidlife crises and he has said he wants a divorce to see if what is out there if there is something better. We have been married 24 years and i am his 3rd wife. Help me please i am drowning in pain. What can i do


Laru January 20, 2016 at 8:29 am

You are not alone! My husband of 10 years told me 30 minutes into the new year that he doesn’t want to be married anymore and wants ‘travel and chaos.’ I’ve been speaking to many of my friends who have gone through divorce themselves and they’ve all said the same thing. Look after yourself. Do things for you. You are not to blame for his mental state. I am completely heartbroken but I am trying to fill my days, keep busy, see friends. I don’t know if he’ll come to his senses or if we’ll get through this as friends but I know that I won’t be the same, but in a good way. I’ll be stronger and I’ll know what I want out of life and be less willing to compromise. It’s time to find you again. I’m sure you are an amazing human being and you will be happy again. X


Jennifer Howard March 20, 2016 at 3:39 am


I love your positive thinking. It is all about our mental state. We have to stay strong for our children. If we lose it, our children suffer.

My husband of 15 years decided he’s done with me because, “we’re two different people.”
I have anxiety issues and he married me knowing this. I even went on anxiety medication to improve my marriage, hoping i would be more outgoing.
He said he’s sick of watching the clock when we’re out, (i like to be in bed by 8-9pm).
In other words, he’s a very social person and i’m not.
He tells me that he’s stuck with me because of our mortgage, one vehicle and our boys.
Trust me, i’m not putting up with much longer. It hurts like hell but i can’t change his mind.
My whole focus is to stay positive for my boys.


Carol January 9, 2016 at 4:40 am

My husband has been going through a midlife crisis since June of 2015. My kids and I have been going through pure hell as he had an affair with a former drug addict, homeless women that he pitied. He just came home one day from work yelling at me that he was leaving me and the kids and did for 5 full days. Shacked up in this dumpy motel with her and left me with two crying, scared kids to pick up the pieces from our 21 year marriage. He blames me for everything but I don’t accept that because I know that I have been a good wife and mother and I have an amazing relationship with both my kids. I believe that the problem started from lack of sex on my part as I have been going through menopause for 5 years now. Yes I have a complete lack of sexual drive but he is NOT a romantic person to start with and that has been a big turnoff for me as well. He came back to us I believe because his father gave him the what for and told him to get back to his family. I love my kids so much but I don’t know how I can stay with a cheater and he has never even apologized for what he’s done. My daughters relationship with him is now destroyed. What do I do?


matt January 20, 2016 at 8:40 am

Yes I have a complete lack of sexual drive but….

I would focus more on the section before the “BUT”. He may be the most unromantic cad out there but you not having ANY desire is something that should be looked at. Not for anyone else, but for you as a functioning human.

What was it that this other woman provided for him shacked up in that hotel room? Sex. Validation. Attention. Again that’s not to shame you or excuse him, but it’s the bare-bones fact for him.

He needs to take responsibility for his part, definitely. You should examine his “claims” to see if there’s anything you could change also.

I’m a guy so this may color my interpretation. Best of Luck. I’m sorry you are going through this.


Teri February 11, 2016 at 2:33 pm

Hi Carol

I have been going through the same thing with my husband of 23 years and he had an affair with someone half his age. When I found out needless to say I was broken. I too had a lack of sexual drive for the same reason you stated. He did end his affair and we tried to reconcile but after a short period of time it ended. I filed for divorce and he begged me to give him another chance, after speaking with my therapist and my brother I put the divorce on hold for 30 days to what would happen and again he started with the bullshit that he wasn’t sure if this is what he wanted. He throughout kept telling me he loved me etc., but I just got too tired of the same crap. So, this time I told him if he wanted out of the marriage he had to file, which he did and now with mediation 3 weeks away I get a phone call from him saying he was stopping the divorce that he wants his life back with me if I’ll have him. As crazy as this has been and it’s been over a year I have been dealing with all of this, one thing I can say is I love him, he is a good man and I know that him having an affair is or was part of his crisis. We have had our differences throughout this years but never to this extend. We both agree that the foundation of our marriage is a good one and we did seek the help of a marriage counselor at one point who also told us that we did have a good understanding of each other and we could get past all of this. I will tell you with the help of my therapist again I have decided to give him another chance and I know you or anyone else that reads this must think I’m a complete fool, but if you know my husband you’ll know his heart. My advise to you or anyone who reads this if you can seek help from a therapist do it! Look out for yourself, take care of yourself. Make sure all your finances are in order and if you can start stashing money away DO IT! Check the laws in your state, county etc. See what your options are, what you are entitled to. Some states grant life time alimony which means that once your marriage passes the 17 year mark (again check your state) he the husband pays you the wife for life and you are entitle to his retirement plan if he has one, and social security benefits and if you have children of course child support. In other words ladies, do your homework. Divorceforwomen.org is a great place to start. Good luck to everyone. Keep the faith and never give up on yourselves, you are stronger than you know.


Beverly August 12, 2017 at 9:41 pm

I am the one to tell you I don’t blame you for taking your husband because I will take mine back in a heart beat. I met my husbands 32 years ago (1985). I had two kids 2 & 4 which he feel in love with. He told me he had a “friend” named Kelli who is married to the same man she is now. We dated then moved in together before getting married in 1991. We delayed marriage because I was in nursing school and he worked 3 jobs to take care us and help me through. We had a daughter in 1995. I’m stating dates to say that in 9/2016 my husband searched for Kelli on Facebook but she contacted him 12/2016. They started talking as friends then my sister died 1/2017 who my husband absolutely adored. I admit my husband was grieving for my sister and Kelli knew the right words to say. Yes, I have come to realize that my husband has been unhappy for years and his heart been left our marriage. But of course as men do there was a lack of communication. By the end of 4/2017 we were separated because he was in a full blown affair with Kelli the married woman who has been practicing open marriage with her husband but I know for sure not with mine since 1994. About three weeks after my husband she called me to talk “woman to woman” and she told me that her and my husband stopped “talking” when he told her that I was pregnant with our daughter in 1995. 10 years into our life together. Soon after him leaving he applied for and got an apartment for them to live together and that’s where he is now. She left her husband and 2 teenage kids at home to live with husband. He says he is in love with her and he is happy. I filed for divorce about four weeks ago. When I told him I was filing and the lawyer called him, he called me numerous times to tell me he don’t want a divorce but he is not willing to leave the relationship with Kelli. Just this week I put the divorce on hold to make sure I’m not acting on pure emotions and to give time to work on my relationship with God so he can guide me on which direction my life should take. The problem is he treats me like I don’t even exist. When we talk he talks as if he hates me and I did something wrong. I don’t understand how someone can just walk out on 32 years of marriage from someone who has been 100% faithful and devoted to someone else’s wife who is not divorcing her husband. He has lost everything including the kids who want nothing to do with him but according to him she talks to her husband and kids everyday. The divorce papers are done completely and he awarded me everything but I just can’t let go but I know I have to. I’m convinced this is a midlife crisis for him but I don’t know if I can recover for the pain and hurt he has caused to me, the marriage, and the kids. One day this woman will return home to her husband and kids but as time goes by I’m getting stronger and I can’t make any promises that my heart will still be in it. I love him but I’m truly learning to love myself more. God is getting me through.


LeAnn December 12, 2015 at 11:33 pm

These stories resonate with me as well. I never expected anything like this to happen in the 26 years I’ve been married. Most of the years great, some bad times, some rough patches, but we’re dedicated and devoted to one another…at least we were. My husband turned 50 in March 2015. months before that we were struggling in our marriage and we just became distant, but kids, work etc. will do that, but I would NEVER have imagined he’d stray. he’s in media and there was a media program where journalists from one country come here to learn and vice versa. Well, there was a woman in the group, a translator that he took an instant interest in. She’s not attractive, but to him it was new, exciting and different (he’s been ‘bored’ with family life so yeah, this is like jackpot!) I didnt know he became smitten with her. She’s single and travels and blah blah blah. I kept hearing about his trip over there in May 2015 for the media program and he immersed himself in their culture, country and language months before the trip. I didn’t think much of it because he had never been out of the country, so as long as he was excited about it…but I never knew SHE was the reason he was so excited. Unbeknownst to me they facetimed, messaged, emailed each other daily…I found out that the last night of his trip over there in May, he spent the night with this woman walking/talking around the city. He said he didn’t sleep with her, but they walked all night together, hand in hand and just talked. he kissed her and he went back to his hotel where he facetimed me. It was about 3 a.m. there and 6 p.m. home. I chatted with him a bit but he was acting funny, his eyes darted all over the room, he couldn’t focus and he slipped that he was out walking with HER. That raised the first red flag something wasn’t right. Well he comes home and he’s a little distant. I knew something was up. I logged onto his facebook page two days after he came back, right when she was wanting to ‘talk’. Then out came the confession. He was sorry he led her down an emotional path blah blah blah. She said that she wanted to keep it secret but of course the first thing out of her damn mouth should have been “you’re married back off!” No, she was actually WANTING to take the relationship further. WTF??? She sent him song lyrics and asked ‘where do we go from here?” Of course I’m reading this as they are chatting and my heart is pounding out of my chest..I’m picking up my daughter from school and I’m dying inside. Just absolute devistated that he could do this to me. Well I confronted him and he got pissed at ME for reading his facebook. really??? You just admitted kissing and god knows what with another woman and you’re pissed at ME??? We had it out like no other. he swore he did nothing wrong and he apologized for not thinking clearly but I accused him of cheating, which is what he did. He didn’t think it was cheating. He broke my heart and I cannot trust him. Well they had two more media visits and I told this woman why she was so interested in my husband. She said they are just friends and any feelings would be under control and professional. Any feelings? Bitch you leave my husband alone! it was hard being around her in a group setting for the dinners and I hated that he always sat next to her and chatted with her. I watched them like a hawk. It got real bad between us, the kids resent him and I made it clear that he was not to have a relationship with her outside the media program. But, they still messaged each other, still facetimed, still Skyped about how ‘bored he is’ and how he envies her travelling and this and that, NOTHING about journalism, he just kept lying to me and kept up an emotional affair with her. He even said the last visit he had in her country in Sept. 2015 they had one drink together and left for their seperate hotel rooms (he facetimed me right after) because he didn’t want to risk something happening. He had the gall to say that he’d have slept with her had they kept visiting basically. I believe they didn’t physically have sex but two days after he returned he searched on his facebook ‘in love with wife and another woman’. That’s when I knew things would never be the same between us again. I confronted him and he denied it, saying that because he typed something he didn’t really mean it. Yes ladies. HE REALLY SAID THAT. I have kept it all secret because it may jeopardize his job. I don’t have any friends where we’re at, not close ones anyway. I don’t socialize really and just hang out at home or a few networking opportunities with colleagues. I’m sure this info would hurt hers and my husband’s reputations. To top that off he made a secret email account just to write to her. Ladies, if you really want to know what he’s up to, get a keylogger on your PC. works wonders. I’ve found every shred of evidence I could and I have saved all messages between them. Some days I want to split up and some days I don’t. He’s tired of me bringing it up but it hurts like Hell what he did to me. We have such awful fights about it but he just won’t stop contacting her. He even gave me flowers on my birthday with a note that said “I can’t fix what I broke but I am sorry for what I did to you.” Then two days later he says he did nothing wrong. He doesn’t even know what accountability means. he’s still communicating with her (i have evidence) but he says he’s not. He will look me in the eye and lie to me repeatedly. He swears there’s no secret email, he swears he hasn’t spoken to her. He’s a damn liar. I’m sick of his lies, I’m sick of him always going on our computer incognito mode (keyloggers record everything regardless LOL) I’m tired of having to check on him throughout the day. I’m just tired. I cannot focus on my new job, can’t focus on anything. I don’t look forward to anything. It’s like all my joy has disappeared. He wants to travel and see the world which is bullshit he wants to visit her. He says he loves me and the kids but he goes right back to emailing her behind my back. I don’t know what to do. He’s up for a job in another state, but I made it clear I’m not moving. We have a daughter graduating this year and I’m not uprooting to accompany him like I’ve done in the past. I know he wants this job so he can get away from us, do what he wants without feeling he’s being watched. I know he’ll contact her, but I’m glad she’s thousands of miles away and it’s no easy task for her. I just want my old life back before these damn people came over to the US and made our marriage a living hell. HELL. He went over there twice and I was a nervous wreck he was doing something he shouldn’t be doing. I’ll never really know how far it went those nights. I don’t know if I will ever believe anything he says again. Will trust ever come back???? How long with this take to get over this? The thought of being alone is scary and I don’t know if he gets the job living apart will help us or hurt. He’s tasted infidelity and I’m afraid he’ll stray again. I know he’ll talk to her about visiting. He usually visits Vegas in April for a business convention…and yes she was there last year (Before the program) and I’m sure he’ll go again. I asked him not to and he blew up at me, saying I’m keeping him from travelling forever. Give me a break! I want to do something just the two of us and he thinks he has to give up his free trip so I can babysit him. He can be a real ass, then he can be sweet. Am I doing the right thing by NOT arguing with him, gathering information secretly and if it turns intimate then what? He’s been affectionate lately and we’re getting along, as long as I don’t bring her up. But the fact that he’s still emailing her after he told me a. he is not contacting her and b. he doesnt’ have a secret email (and he does) The fact that he made poor decisions, lied to me and keeps secrets from me mean it’s all over? I don’t want to throw away almost 27 years because of this, but I really dont’ like what he’s become. Need so much advice right now!!!!!!


Teri February 11, 2016 at 2:57 pm

Hi LeAnn,
How are you doing since you posted your issues with your husband. I’m truly sorry you have gone through this, I too find myself in familiar territory. We filed divorce twice once on part and I stopped it and he did and now he stopped it. We have sought out counseling, I’m in therapy and this has been going on a year this past January. I truly hope that you were able to reconcile with your husband and I can understand all you have been through, I too gathered information secretively and felt horrible doing so but I needed to know. I too did not want to throw away 24 years of marriage away. We are slowly on the road to reconcile and yes there are moments I have to reassure myself I am doing the right thing for me and I love him and he is a good man. Unfortunately, their “change of life” isn’t like ours, hot flashes, night sweats, lack of sex drive etc. theirs have to be more damaging and hurtful all I can say is find a good therapist if you haven’t even if you are back with your husband, and look out for you!


Help!!! March 24, 2016 at 6:03 am

Wow!!! I can so relate…me and my husband,now an x husband. Went through a similar situation. We had been married 22 yrs. Together 24. We had a beautiful marriage for the most part… But I started suspecting things when he started losing interest in our home,our conversation became only about the weather. He became very forgetful, and was working around the clock and every weekend…I had never had any reason to distrust him and I wasn’t the “” check up on” kind of person. I had always trusted him.I guess there were red flags, but I refused to beleive he would do the things he was doing!! He also started almost a year earlier to leave for work 2 hours earlier. I asked him several times why and he said it was to beat traffic and his routine. As I becameore suspicious, I started digging around .something I has never done and I found ,women’s high heels and clothing in his man cave,along with blue fingernail polish and porn DVDs..When I finally couldn’t stand it anymore I confronted him about it and his response was” how did you find them”. Really!!!! Then he accused me of invading his privacy…Really!!!! We had a horrible argument, and then about a week later my sister stopped in McDonalds at 6am to use the bathroom and there he was with some crap of a woman laying on his shoulder. It got even worse and I won’t go into all of it. I was devasted and he denied everything even with all the evidence and not once even apologized. Said he had done nothing wrong but look at a little porn, hahahaha. Them he said he was wearing the shoes, which made since because they were a size11!!!! I wear a size 6. And he wears a 10/1/2 . oh gee I didn’t still don’t know what to think. He was a full blown country boy, hunts and fishes very macho…Really!!!! He finally went and filed for divorce. Even tho I tried to get him to reconsider and us tey to vet councling and do whatever to tey to recover from this .he went through with it despite all my pleading… He was once my best friend. I had been married once before with a cheating husband and I knew the routine. He had been married 4 time including me…3 wives before me and divorced before he was 35!! I was blind with love I suppose, but I thought I was the one!!!! Problem is, I got older,more wrinkles,health issues,and fatter. He didn’t like fat women…So much for the marriage vows…I don’t guess he noticed he also was older,bald and red faced and wrinkled!!!! I still hurt every miniute of every day,tried to commit suicide twice and have became unfuctional..it’s been 3 years. And I have not moved on at all. I miss him every day. He has not made contact with me since he left and won’t reply to anything from me…how do I get past this? I’m 61_yrs. Old and don’t feel I can start over,_nor do I want to… There is no one out there from an old women who is broken and I really don’t know think I could ever love or trust again…Any suggestions….??? I’m so devasted…


Lisa March 24, 2016 at 8:16 am

You are so right, there is no one out there for an old woman who is broken, so don’t be that. You are alive, more than capable of loving someone, so start with loving you and the right man will see that and gravitate towards you, cause he won’t need to fix you, just love each other. Be strong, I went through a similar situation and it is so hard to bounce back, but it can be done and you can do it.
I find spending time in nature looking at all the beauty that surrounds me, instead of the ugly helps me appreciate the right things. Spend money on yourself or buy the “do it yourself kits ” and get awesome. If you can’t yet, as they say, fake it till you make it”
You are a woman so you were born strong. Be strong, you’re not alone in this.


Patty Toney April 8, 2016 at 7:28 am

Thank you… Everyone has told me “I can do this and be better for it” but 3 years later I still feel lost without him. Our divorce is final now,and I guess that “Final” word cuts like a knife. But I realize it’s really over.I know I could never trust him again and he even said that was one reason he couldn’t stay, I take one day at a time,, and am trying to move on,its so hard and so painful but I know I have to stop feeling sorry for myself.This has tore our families apart and hurt so many. Ivknow there is no easy fix.But I still don’t want to date or start over.I mostly just lay in bed all day.I have no friends and have damaged my own family relationships tocthe point,they have stopped all contact with me.I don’t even care. I just hide away from the world now.I think I’ve had a nervous breakdown.I have no insurance so I can’t even get help…my health is not so good neither. I feel I will die of a very broken heart
I feel doomed…he was my life


Help December 7, 2015 at 10:09 pm

My husband, my wonderful, stable, generous husband, is having a midlife crisis. He’s unrecognizable to me. Suddenly, our relationship, the greatest source of joy in my life, is “stuck” and “not new.” He’s resentful of his responsibilities to me and at work (and we don’t even have children!) and feels like he wants to run away and become someone else. I’m a mess. My grief is so strong that I actually shake with pain sometimes. I’m only a few weeks into this miserable process, I desperately hope it will get better. He is the love of my life and we’ve been so happy together–truly best friends. I feel the distance between us so acutely. It’s like an amputated limb. I know he’s going through a lot and am committed to giving him time and space to figure himself out. I’m trying to keep my grief to myself as much as I can, and to go on with my life, but it hurts so much. I miss my friend.


Don Dressel December 7, 2015 at 11:00 pm

I am so sorry
I recently went through with my wife that you are going through with your husband
I could not believe how she changed and how she was acting
It was like she was a different person
She ran off to stay with friends of hers in a different state
I was in tears and depressed as hell
One day I said NO MORE!
I joined a gym and began working out and worked on our house
When she returned months later she was amazed at my transformation
I lost weight and looked in great shape and told her yes I have changed and by the way you will get your divorce papers next week!
We sold our home and I met a wonderful woman who is the opposite of her
I turned my life around after 2 years of hell and moved on!
You also can do the same thing!
I also had the support of good friends who helped me get through all of it
I wish you all the luck and although you don’t see it now your life will get better
Take care Don


Astrid December 8, 2015 at 6:37 am

Wow, what a story! Good on you Don! 🙂


Help December 8, 2015 at 8:07 am

Thank you for your kind reply, Don. I feel so alone and you’ve really comforted me. I hope you’re very happy now.


Stricken December 23, 2015 at 4:07 pm

Help, I know exactly how you are feeling. My husband of 15 years (best friend of 20 years) told me 2 weeks ago that his old girlfriend from high school connected with him on Facebook during Thanksgiving. She is divorced from an abusive husband (or going through one) and unloaded all of her problems on him. He gave her his e-mail and started corresponding with her essentially beginning an emotional affair. She told him she wants him back and then he let me know that he could not stop thinking about her. This resulted in him having panic attacks at night. He told me all this and said he needed to get therapy. In the meantime, he decided to move out and is staying in our vacation home and with various friends and relatives. It has only been 6 days and I am going crazy without him so I know what you are going through. I got a therapist I used to see immediately because I have a history of anxiety attacks. We also do not have kids. He never wanted them and I could go either way. What amazes me is that his old girlfriend has 3 younger children. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. It just sucks that it is also the holiday season.


Don Dressel December 23, 2015 at 4:18 pm

An update on my status
As I posted on here I filed for divorce and we sold our house
I met a wonderful woman
She is great but has a lot of drama in her life
I wish I had slowed down and not moved so fast
I miss my home and probably if I was to do it over would have kept my home and just given my wife more space to get over her issues
She has now told me she no longer is online and misses our life together
I told her give it some time and you can always buy another home with or without me
The summary is do not panic and make sure if you want to make such drastic changes make sure you do it with a clear head
Take care Don


robyn February 24, 2016 at 10:14 pm

I know what your going through. My husbsnd of 17 years and together for 27 is a different person. I’ve just found out that he’s been with my sons gf on and off for two years. I went nuts and soon put a stop to it. He’s been drinking a lot and seems to have no compassion towards me when im laying in bed at night crying. L he tells me he loves me but doesn’t show it. He kept asking me to marry him again last year and when I said yes recently, he had no interest. I can see a different man to who I knew. I don’t know what to do


Help!!! March 24, 2016 at 6:22 am

Yes,I know the feeling. Not to discourage you but it gets worse. My husband, now x,started out the same way. We were once and for 22 years best friends and very comparable,loving and truthful… It’s been 3 yrs. Since he filed for divorce after I found some horrible findings and he never looked back and never even apologized… Said it wasy fault, mainly because,and this is what he said” you use to be so pretty, but people can’t help what age does” Really!!! He is the same age!!! We are both 61.guess he sees something different in his mirror. I can’t beleive how many are going through the same thing!! I never imagined anyone going through as much pain as I have…and I’m so very sorry for you.. I wish I had something more positive to tell you…Some do recover and save their marriages,and I truly hope you can…Its so hard to trust again, it changes everything,and you never really feel secure like you once did. I guess he knew that and so he nailed and never looked back


Concerned family December 6, 2015 at 12:02 pm

I just found out that a family member I love dearly is experiencing this crisis and he is rushing full speed into an iceberg. I feel so badly for the entire family. He has insisted, after over twenty years of marriage, on divorcing the perfect wife because since “experiencing love for the first time” with a much much younger (one year older than his eldest daughter) woman (who dumped him) he decided his entire life was on the wrong rail. As family (on his side) what do I say to them to alleviate their pain? What should the family and friends say to either sides? Already advised counseling…..he laughed at me.


Car December 22, 2015 at 7:21 pm

Call his wife, tell her your there for her, let her know that you believe her. Wish that would happen to me from his side of the family


Sherri December 26, 2015 at 9:02 pm

Yes, please call and tell her you are thinking of her too. Ive been a member of what I thought was a family that cared about me for for 31 years- but I guess not! Only two have even made any contact to add insult to injury. Not acknowledging her at all is worse than saying the wrong thing!


Don Dressel December 23, 2015 at 4:20 pm

He will be sorry
I can almost guarantee it!


concerned family February 24, 2016 at 6:38 pm

Thank you for your comments/advice. Update : I have been calling my sister in law and letting her know that none of this is her fault. It is his flaw, not hers. We’ve been talking almost daily. My brother is still chasing the twenty year old girl (same age as his daughter) but his wife is no longer chasing him. He even brought the twenty year old to his home to show her off to his family in hopes of winning the twenty year old’s affection. His wife is getting her self esteem back and looking toward a future, possibly without him. He is no longer speaking to me as I have not supported his most recent choices to destroy his family but that is ok. I am standing by his wife and will do what I can to help her get stronger and know what a smart woman, great mother, beautiful person she is.


April February 25, 2016 at 5:40 am

Kudos to you. You have supported the wife in all of this, even though the husband is your “family.” When my husband did this to me, his entire family stopped speaking to me, invited the mistress (who is the same age as his daughter) to family Sunday dinner, and didn’t once say anything about what he did. He deserted us, left me with only one income, a pile of debt, and a broken heart.
However…I rebounded, lost 85 pounds, find a GREAT job, and I’m even dating again. Tell your sister-in-law that this was in NO WAY her fault. He’s a moron, and once the 20 year old realizes what she’s done, once the chase is over and she’s won the prize, she’ll be done with him. By that point, I hope your sister-in-law has moved on with her life.
Thank you for helping me recover some faith in mankind. It’s nice to know there are people who will do the right thing, even when that is the hardest thing to do.


j p December 1, 2015 at 12:15 am

Chloe wash your mouth out with soap. Know that there is nothing good, clean, moral, upbuilding or relationship strengthen about porn. Also oral sex is a filthy and morally corrupt practice, anyone with common sense should fine it repulsive to put their mouth where bodily waste exit the body. Such unclean practices are why std’s from Aids to hepatitis plagues many today. Adultery, fornication, homosexuality and masturbation all carry mental, physical and spiritual liabilities and sad and devasting consequences. Chloe, give benefical and morally clran advice or none at all. For you see their is a Higher Authority that we all have to answer to who sets the standards of what is good and bad, moral and immoral and right and wrong. His counsel will stand when bad peoole and bad counsel are gone. (Psalms 83:18) and (Psalms 37:10, 11).


Astrid December 1, 2015 at 3:58 am

I think you might be on the wrong website.


Chloe Jeffreys December 2, 2015 at 7:27 pm

Dear jp, I bet you’re a hoot at parties.


Astrid December 2, 2015 at 8:05 pm



Stacy December 6, 2015 at 11:41 am

JP, You haven’t really experienced God until you feel your whole body explode with pleasure in a way only oral stimulation can provide. Don’t believe me? Try it. I promise your man, woman, or cat will scream “Oh God!”.


Don Dressel December 7, 2015 at 11:06 pm

What a ridiculous idiot you are
Posting such a stupid comment on here!
You are the same people who go to church every Sunday and walk out judging everyone and everybody
God said do not judge for if you do you to will be judged!
I always wondered where people like you come from?
You talk way to much but you do not walk in Gods shoes
You just judge!
You need a life lesson


matt January 20, 2016 at 8:46 am



Chris November 30, 2015 at 7:54 am

I am 40yr old woman & my 45yr old husband is definitely going thru a midlife crisis. We have been together since I was 18, together 23 married 15, 1 daughter 20. I found this article & he def has all the symptoms. I do not know where to turn. I have even called my pastor to talk to someone.He is/was cheating with a 23yr old which is sickening due to we have a almost 21yr old ourselves. This is such an embarrassing event. I feel I have no one to turn too, on the outside we look picture perfect, but obviously not. I have know something was up or husband not happy with himself, his job, health issues (diabetes) which lead to sexual issues. We have a nice home, great kid whos in college, husband has PLENTY of toys ive let him indulge in but a woman & cheating is unacceptable. I am at a loss of what to do or how to help/ support him getting help which he says he wants. But its really hard when in the midst of your OWN hurt & brokenness because of his actions its super hard. Another thing I think its horrible to think of the double standard. Had I cheated on him in any shape or form there would not be this sympathy or any type support from HIM had this been the other way around. I don’t understand why us women try & keep trying but MEN are such pride & ego would not let them forgive & forget for us & oh im havinga midlife crisis would not suffice for him if this was me. SO im torn between how to help & why this is even happening.
I have my own thoughts as to I don’t like my job, not fulfilled there at work, husband so preoccupied by his mid life stuff I am not cherished & shown much affection at all yet, im able top not ever evn think to turn to another man to boost me up. I don’t get all this my husband says he has deep rooted problems it seems he has always pushed down stuff even from before me in his child hood. Im not sure if these are real or more excuses to what he has done to our family.


Anonymous November 25, 2015 at 4:27 pm

I am concerned. Its clear that my husband is definitely going through something. He told me he was going to go out with a couple of guys to the sports bar… was all for it, knowing that it would be good for him to have that male bonding. Come to find out, a bunch of people from his office go (guys and girls) and is against me going, even though I know most of them. He says he needs his own social life without me. And that only people from his work go. Then I find out that others are there, and not just from work. I feel so hurt. I feel like our marriage means nothing to him…and I want to protect what’s mine. Any advice would be helpful.


Chloe Jeffreys November 27, 2015 at 12:19 pm

Dear Anonymous, I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

Your situation is troubling so I’m going to be frank and email you as well as comment on my blog.

I strongly suggest you seek out a reputable counselor experienced in both marital and divorce counseling because this thing could go either way. You need to begin preparing yourself for the possibility that there is now or could be soon another woman. Protecting yourself financially if your husband’s midlife crisis takes an ugly turn should be your top priority here.

After consulting with a professional who can delve deeper into your personal situation, you’ll be better prepared for the appropriate steps you need to take with your husband.

Without knowing the details I can’t say exactly what you should do, but please do something. The tips in my article do not even begin to touch the issues you may be dealing with here.

Most of all, take care of yourself. What he’s said and done has delivered a terrible blow to your self-esteem and sense of self-worth. He is undermining your personal strength just when you’re going to need it the most.

Write back and let me know what happens. I care.



christine November 20, 2015 at 7:31 pm

I feel very lost n hurt i dont know what way to turn hes acting like mr jekyl n mr hyde all the time


Car December 22, 2015 at 7:52 pm

Me too… I’m in counseling and she helps me to side step the bombs but when I look back it’s been going on for couple years. We are in our late 50’s and have been together since high school. Never thought I’d find myself here!


Ebele November 19, 2015 at 9:38 am

It’s so good I stumbled on this website today. I’m so happy. my husband is on the verge of throwing me out of our thirty-three year old marriage for a younger girl. I’m so heart broken. I’ve been panicking and begging him, but now that I’ve seen this piece, I’ll no longer do that. Please advise me on every step to take. I’ll very much appreciate it. Help me please.


Chloe Jeffreys November 27, 2015 at 12:27 pm

Get professional counseling immediately. You need someone outside of your situation who can see more clearly than you and who can advise you on what emotional and financial steps you need to take to protect yourself from your selfish husband. A man in the throes of a love affair with a younger woman is not thinking straight. Nothing you’ve known about him up until this point will apply right now. It’s like he’s going to be insane and it will make you feel insane.

This is probably going to be the hardest thing you’ve ever been through. Being betrayed after 33 years of marriage is no small thing. It can take a huge toll on your mental and physical health as well as set you up for a future of financial uncertainty.

Take heart. His selfish behavior is not a statement about your worth or value as a woman. Even though he may very well try to make this about you, it isn’t about you. It’s about him and his own feelings of self-hatred and fear about growing old and dying. The sooner you find mental clarity and emotional stability the sooner you’ll be able to cope with whatever happens next.

Feel free to let me know what happens. I do care about you and all of the women and men who’ve found this article and confided their pain and frustration over their husband’s midlife crisis.



Car December 22, 2015 at 8:11 pm

Ditto Chloe…. I’m in the same situation for a few years now, 40 years in the relationship. It’s gone in and out of his divorce option ( I won he’s staying!). The problem is now, do I want to keep up with his crazy behaver and she I have taken him back. I now have a counselor to help me decide that and he hasn’t been to counseling ever…. guess which way I’m leaning…. just scary being alone since highschool.


jane November 17, 2015 at 12:01 pm

You say buy the car, but what if you don’t have the money to spend on these self indulgent toys. What if there are young children in the house still. What do you do then? I can’t go on motorcycle rides or play video games…and frankly I don’t want to. Why do you seem to be advocating that his MLC now become our lives. I get that supporting him might help but if there is a young child someone gets left behind while he goes out to re-live his mid 20s. Forget about me taking a class or getting a hobby. I’m doing cub scout trips and school runs because, in this instance, a motorcycle is fun for 1.


Chloe Jeffreys November 20, 2015 at 3:55 pm

Your situation sounds really terrible and I can hear your frustration loud and clear. I purposely didn’t bring up the issue of children in the home which most definitely complicate this problem. Towards the end of my article I do say that sometimes the only thing to do is move on with your own life. In a case like yours I suggest you ask yourself the famous question posited by Dear Abby: Are you better off with him or without him? Therein lies your answer.


Ericka November 12, 2015 at 10:14 am

Wow it is amazing that we are all living similar lives. I have so many emotions right now. I am mad, sad and in disbelief. My husband of almost 26 years and I have been through a lot in the past 9 years. It really was not to do with our relationship at all. We have gone through him having a brain tumor and major brain surgery, seizure problems, troubles with his job not helping him and just forcing him out, a huge lawsuit being thrown out due to a lawyer error and of course bankruptcy. We had the same values in life that we don’t lie, cheat, steal and always try to be the best person we can be. We would really only fight over a child that we adopted that did not have those values and I would be so mad because she would do things personally to me. He can be grumpy some but I always gave him sympathy because he takes lots of medicine and it makes him so tired. He always as said “since I had a hole cut in my head life is too short” It still always included me until recently. He had gone to a trade show for 2 days. Left Tuesday and came back Thursday and by Friday out of the blue he talks about going and staying on the couch of the guy that went with him to the trade show. I was in shock and couldn’t breathe. He tells me that I am not happy and I am mad referring to our daughter. I am like “where is this coming from” He stayed around for a few days sleeping on the couch. I cant believe this and then I find a text from a random number on his phone. I figure out who it is by contacting her and she then notifies my husband about my text and says she felt weird since we are separated. I did not know this and told her thanks for letting me know. I then told him get the hell out. He had been deleting her messages. Just by luck my car wouldn’t start and I saw it on his phone. I few days later was out 26 years of being together and I wrote her a letter. she asked me to call her which I found that he had lied about being separated. I have talked to her twice and she told me that at my word she would never talk to him again and that my feeling are legit since he basically was text cheating. He did not say anything romantic what so ever but since he was deleting messages that showed deception and my trust for him was blown. She advised me that she will never be the other woman since her husband cheated a lot and she finally divorced him. This is where we are at now. He says he loves me and misses me and is sick to his stomach. He thinks about me and wonders what I am doing. This is a man that would send me pics of a dog that he rescued or cute puppies and kitties that come into the store. He has all these feelings for me but that nagging devil sitting on his shoulder saying “what if there is something better” How can he even think there is something better when he says what a great wife I am and we call ourselves buddies or best friends. How can I just be kicked to the curb? I have so many horrible thoughts now of what our life was. Was it a lie? He has this worry when he is on his death bed is he going to look back at his life with me and say it was good probably but could he have had something better. I have asked things of him now like rebuilding trust and to make me feel like his loves me. It would be nice to hear I miss you today and love you and what can I do to make it up to you but nothing. He gets mad when I explain what I want because he takes it as bitching. I am blown away by his actions. Went to a counselor and told her what I was asking for from HIM and she tells me that I need to do it to myself. “Let me get this straight I did nothing wrong and I have to fix it myself to feel loved by him and secure” In addition the trust issue. She asked if I wanted to come back again with him for another session and I replied no thank you and she responded “don’t you want to come back to talk about your divorce” This is someone that talked to me for 2 hours about someone that I have been with for 26 years. She had also talked to him the Saturday before and told him that she didn’t no what to advise him to do…maybe something spiritual was her only answer. Sorry this is so long but wanted people to get the full picture. Sincerely Heartbroken Ericka


Mel November 5, 2015 at 5:15 am

“Because over and over again I’ve watched these same men, who supposedly won’t go to counseling, BEG their departing wives for counseling to save their marriages as the women are walking out the door. I’ve seen this so many times that I think there should be a name for it. And it leaves me wondering, “Who really didn’t want to go to counseling?”
Amen, sister.


semafu October 27, 2015 at 6:47 pm

This article is brilliant.


Vero October 7, 2015 at 1:27 am

Sorry, but this is one of the worst article with absolutely biased and not objective.


Astrid November 5, 2015 at 5:12 am

It’s funny, honest and it articulates exactly what most people are thinking. How is it biased??? If you can’t handle the truth then you’re on the wrong website!


Chloe Jeffreys November 14, 2015 at 10:01 am

I’m not sure what you were looking for. Maybe try Google Scholar.


Rachel September 24, 2015 at 7:57 pm

My husband is 62. Without going into several long stories, he texts several times a day with a 19 year old he met at his gym. He just bought her a knife for her birthday that he had engraved with her name. He also texts with her mother and deletes them, but not the daughter’s. Am I crazy to think something is going on, gee, with one? Both? Is it just me?? I don’t trust him. Should I?


Barney September 17, 2015 at 12:14 pm

Hi, great site! Thank you for the content.

I’m the husband and the one with the mid-life crisis. Our marriage is not the problem; I have nothing going on the side and never have. This is my second wife (12 years together), we have no children together. My one child from the first marriage is grown and married. My wife and I work together and are comfortable financially, and she lets me buy toys (cameras, stereo) when I want. I have been to three funerals in the past six months of relatives or friends. My parents are in declining health. This keeps me thinking I don’t have that much time left to get things done.

The problem is I hate my job (we’re professionals working together). I have no ambition, get no pleasure from work, and I’ve always said I want to completely change my life once my child was grown: move out west, adopt a smaller and cheaper lifestyle, and find a simpler job that pays the bills but lets me enjoy the great outdoors and those hobbies without the stress of my current occupation. My wife does not want to do that, even though she is trying to find some way to accommodate my wanderlust. She wants us to keep our business, our rental properties, and our life here. We have a terrific house, belong to a nice club, have a lot of good friends, drive nice cars, but we cannot retire for another ten years if we have to keep up this lifestyle. By then I’ll be too old to do things I’ve been waiting for. As nice as our life is here, I’m willing to give it all up to move away and start something different, totally fresh with different climate and topography.

For now, the only foreseeable changes in my life will come from age, decay, or death. I need to get off this treadmill because I can see exactly where it’s pointing (same thing, every day!) and it’s putting me on the edge of panic attacks and sleepless nights.

Do you know anyone who has managed a situation like this one? Am I kidding myself that moving away will make me happy? I want to keep my wife, that is the first priority.

You can probably guess my profession. When the state organization’s magazine comes out every month, a quarter of it is filled with articles about substance abuse, depression, suicide, etc. We’re lawyers.


Lisa September 14, 2015 at 4:44 pm

My husband has been going through a midlife crisis since February of this year and I am not sure how to handle this. He has always been a very affectionate and emotional person. He got some attention from some 19 year olds both at his workplace and online, which didn’t go anywhere but it recked out marriage but there are times when he wants to be close and I oblige him and then there are times when he just becomes distant, it is very confusing and I’m not sure what to do. Its at the point now where I am tempted to move on. I am Not sure if that’s the right thing to do, I really love him. We I own a business and work together and I am forced to work with him. He tries really hard to please me but then he would say something that makes me feel he wants to move on. It’s so upsetting. Should I put my life on hold and continue to hope that things gets better?


semafu October 27, 2015 at 6:49 pm

Stay together babe.


Car December 22, 2015 at 8:30 pm

If your already thinking it might be time to leave, then it’s time to give him the choice first. Let him know your limit and stick to it. I know it’s scary, I’m going through it right now, I’m trying to find my strenght, you can find yours….don’t put your life on hold!


Jeremy W September 12, 2015 at 11:13 am

I’m a guy, and at the risk of making you regret that you said you “really want to hear from” me, I’m going to dive in. I apologize in advance for all the completely stereotypical stupid-guy things I’m likely about to write. Also, out of an absurd abundance of caution, I’m going to be a little vague about some details of my own situation.

My path to this article was the following Google search: “male midlife crisis need someone to talk to,” which, yes, is a bit pathetic. I’m (45-55) years old, I’ve been married (12-16) years, and I have one (child) aged (8-13). I have a good job that can be pretty demanding time-wise but that affords me a lot of flexibility (I work full-time from home) and pays me, frankly, more than I am worth.

Personality-wise I love to laugh and have a good sense of humor, but I’m opinionated, headstrong and moody, and if I wasn’t me and stuck with it, I think I’d have hard time being around me a lot of the time. Another thing I should mention is that I do a lot of writing, so I tend to come off far better in text than I do in real life.

My wife is an absolute saint. Like me, she comes from what could be accurately described as a dysfunctional family (is there anyone alive who DOESN’T?). My in-laws (not all of whom are still with us) are/were good people in their way, but they have issues beyond what I think of as “normal” (whatever THAT means) in terms of how they deal with relationships and intimacy. My wife shares exactly NONE of those tendencies, and it is a source of ongoing amazement to me how incredibly grounded, patient, caring, and loving she is. I will freely and unashamedly admit that marrying her represents my life’s greatest moment of overachieving.

OK, so far so good, right? In many ways, yeah, kind of. The problem is that for the last 2-3 years I have felt a gnawing sense of what I will call (for lack of better words)…incompletion? Emptiness? Loneliness? A sense that I am just marking time and not doing anything worthwhile or notable. This is the “midlife crisis” part, though at times I wonder if I’m not just using this label because I can’t think of anything else to call it and I can’t figure out what’s at the heart of it. I’m not stupid enough to have ever believed that my marriage was the source of this unrest, but I will admit that at times there have been things about my marriage that I have lamented and/or resented.

Actually, there’s really only been ONE thing: a nagging sense that my wife doesn’t see our relationship as something that needs to be maintained or nurtured. It’s not something she seems to ever want to set aside dedicated time for, and it’s not something I ever see/feel she is as protective of as, say, helping members of her birth family, taking care of our (child), or volunteering as a member of local organizations. For a long time I’ve tried to soothe myself with the idea that she did this because she was just THAT confident in me and in our relationship, but as more and more of my increasingly clearly communicated concerns on this topic have gone…ignored…I have found it harder and harder to get any comfort out of that strategy of self-assurance. When we talk she always SAYS the right things, but I tend to be an actions-speak-louder person, and the good feelings I take away from our conversations never survive the next several instances of her choosing to sit for 2-3 hours at bedtime with our (8-13-) year-old child instead of coming down to hang out, chat, have a drink, or maybe even get in some lovin’ (I should say here that we have a good sex life, at least in terms of frequency. She clearly sees sex as an obligation she is committed to meet; however, I can’t remember the last time she initiated any kind of physical intimacy. She seems to see sex the same way I see going to church: all things being equal, I’d just as soon avoid it, but when I do go I never mind it, and sometimes I even get something out of it). As you can probably tell, one of my other “foibles” is a yawning (in more ways than one!) insecurity where relationships are concerned. Something that has fed into this insecurity is the fact that many, many friends our age have split or are splitting. Each time this happens, I think to myself “At one point these people stood at the altar (or before some sanctioning body), happy as could be, never in a million years imagining this outcome. Is there ANY real way to defend against it?”

As I write this, I’m starting to wonder if there’s any relevance of any of this to Chloe’s article. When I started writing, I felt that there was…so let’s see if I can steer this back. I guess what I’m trying to present here is the idea that not ALL male midlife crises are created equal, and not all of them involve 20-something mistresses, “penis cars,” and trading careers for a backpacking trip along the Great Barrier Reef. Do I find myself increasingly wishing (infantile as this feeling is) for someone to reach in and show me some level of unsolicited acknowledgment or appreciation? Absolutely. (Do I know that the “unappreciated male” excuse for infidelity is also a cliche? Absolutely!). “Fortunately,” any thoughts I have of straying down the infidelity path–and I have none, aside from the occasional infantile Walter Mitty-ish daydream–would be kept firmly on the sidelines by my prick(ly) personality, pedestrian everyman appearance that would not be inclined to draw a second look from ANY woman, and memories of the formative experience of having gotten my just desserts when I treated a relationship with a serious girlfriend badly back in my 20s. I guess what I’m saying is that I feel that my wife could and should be my biggest ally in helping me to slay–or at least make peace with–the midlife crisis dragon, but that her inability and/or unwillingness to do this has made the pit I feel like I’m in that much deeper.


Astrid November 21, 2015 at 6:23 am

I don’t have any answers for you, but quite enjoyed reading your post; I like your writing style.


Pieper August 28, 2015 at 7:29 am

Wow!! I can’t believe the similarities between all these stories.
I am 35 and been married 17 years this September.
My husband told me this week he feels emotionally disconnected from both our boys and me.
He is unhappy in his job and has been for q I te sometime.
Recently I told him how uncomfortable I am with a close friendship he has with another woman my age. He confides in her alot about how unhappy he is. She too is in a relationship that is strained. I asked him if he could end the frienship… that went down like a lead balloon but he told me I was more important so he would faze the relationship out. I had serious doubts he’d be able to do so but kept my opinion to myself rather than hound him. ( we’ve had huge issues with him being a compulsive liar for many years about many issues including porn)
Just this week she came to visit with her young daughter while I was at work, when I got home I asked who’d visited, he said, which as you could imagine left me upset, after he’d gone to bed I did the unthinkable, I checked his phone, all threads to her had been deleted.
Now im freaking out and confront him…. was like pulling teeth, turns out HE’D invited her around.. I was crushed that his statement that I was more important was a lie, also that he felt guilty enough to delete all evidence of communication with her. He admitted the fact that him feeling the need to cover up must mean his intentions aren’t as pure as he had pleaded and has booked in some counciling.
I feel as though a part of me has died inside, I’m incredibly grieved.
This afternoon with his knowledge I called her I calmly explained what has unfolded and she told me she was as shocked as I and asked what it was I needed from her. I told her I’d like her to not respond to him if he contacts her at least while we go through counciling. She slso told me any feelings he has were not reciprocal and wanted to know if he had other friends he could talk too she also asked if she could message hin in a weeks time to check that he’s doing ok and after that won’t make contact until we’re ready.
Have I done the wrong thing here????
I feel sooo broken.
He’s been very affectionate with me all day and asked am I willing to fight through a mid life crisis, also asked a number of times very lovingly if I still want to be with him.


Jenn August 28, 2015 at 9:16 am


Feels like we are going through very similar events. I think you are doing the right thing. He needs to get some perspective away from his friend and focus on how to make the two of you better again. And I think this can help you come out with a stronger marriage, because you have forced each other to discuss your marriage.
Here is how I events have been going. I had already texted with my husbands friend about cutting all ties a couple weeks ago, but I decided to meet with her this week as well. Though she is hurt that I would think that about her (though they kissed, so whatever) and she is sad about losing a good friend, she said she will respect what I’m asking. She said she thought are families (our family And her husband and kids) could be the kind of friends that you celebrate thanksgiving with or go skiing with and this situation saddened her. I told her eventually, I would like to resume a more platonic relationship (which they both claim it to be), but that I had to feel more comfortable with her first and get to know her as well as get my husband in a better place.
To give you a little bit of insight on me, I’m not a jealous person. Not once (and my husband will agree) have I gotten upset with him about another women. I trusted him completely. I don’t mind going out and flirting with the opposite sex as long as we are there together. I think it even spices your sex life up in a marriage. His friend had the same point of view, but the problem I had is the flirtations were now coming from a good friend that he talked to via text everyday, not just an acquaintance or stranger. You can’t have both together……Emotional friendship with sexual tension involved.
So it’s been a good decision so far. He seems in better spirits and is becoming more open to discuss our relationship and why he enjoyed her friendship so much. He tells me he enjoys her as another friend to bounce things off of that men typically don’t talk about. He assures me that though he wants only friendship from her that she doesn’t hold a candle to me. That she has her own issues and is also going through a MLC of sorts and they are talking about their “crazy”. Though in personality they are a lot alike, he says she shares none of the same passions and activities that he values so much in us. He says that the flirtatious part was a fun release from reality for a bit, but that he wishes he could take that all back now and be able to just we friends with her. Which was his true intention anyway. I had complete and total trust in him until I saw him hide his phone texts from me. He truly has been honest about everything and told me he was going to tell me about the texts, but didn’t know how. And then I snuck and read them. I truly don’t think it would have gotten sexual as he wouldn’t have been able to live with himself, but I worried what this emotional bond was going to develop into. They got really close in a matter of 2 months and I told him it seemed like a very intense friendship for that fast. He agreed with how the perception of it seemed obsessive. He of course compared it to my best friend of 15years as the same friendship, but we are same sex and it is a VERY long friendship.
He understands where I am coming from based on their mutual attraction and the texts that stepped over the line, but he doesn’t understand why I have a problem with him being just friends with her. Basically this is our debate over the last few weeks, If we have friendships with opposite sexes what are the barriers that we put in place to make sure that the other person does not get hurt? Hashing those boundaries out has been very challenging. It’s easy for that type of friendship to fall into flirtatious conversation or more. I’m reading the book that Chloe mentioned “not just friends”, though a lot of it does not apply to my husband and I, since he wasn’t having a hidden sexual affair, it does talk a lot about friendships outside the marriage with the opposite sex and how to make that work.
So, I’ve been planning lunches and dinners out to get to know my husband’s friend better and he is working on making me trust him again.
Does anyone have advice on what is acceptable boundaries for them to still be friends?
I said no texts unless I’m included, he thinks that’s overboard and he texts his guy friends. He asked, not even to ask occasionally how she is doing maybe once a week? I told him not until I’m comfortable with their friendship. Which of course he says is no friendship, because he isn’t allowed to communicate with her. But I’m torn. We can go over to their house and visa versa occasionally, but will I ever be OK with the communication just between the two of them? Should I be?

Sorry, Pieper, I’m not really giving you much advice, but I’m hoping maybe, with shared experiences we can help each other learn how to deal with this.


Pieper August 28, 2015 at 3:08 pm

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me and sharing your story Jenn.
I didn’t fall asleep until 4am this morning as I was researching the hell out of Mid Life Crisis web sites, I came across a site mentioned in this feed called 6 stages of a mid life crisis. It has calmed me down some what and I think will tide me over till the councilling starts this Wednesday. I am also a faithful person so some prayer got me to sleep.
I too have considered having a coffee catch up with the friend “weird how I’m more likely to believe the potential other woman over my husband” I have just lost faith and feel that every thing that comes out of his mouth is a lie, I feel sorry for the friend at this stage and believe she’s done nothing wrong yet also that my panic could push them closer together.
The friend lets call her X told me that he probably deleted his feed because they vent to each other about their partners and there was probably some nasty stuff I didn’t want to see, she compared it to the way girlfriends talk about their other half. It hurt to hear that, he talks to her when I upset him but doesn’t even make me aware that I’ve upset him. I feel right now like I have to walk on egg shells to keep him from wanting to vent.
Tough place to be but one day at a time, right.


Jenn August 28, 2015 at 3:34 pm

Yes, my best girlfriend is going through a MLC of sorts and she directed me toward the stages in hopes it might give me some clarity. Hope the counseling helps. My husband won’t do counseling, but has agreed to set aside time frequently to have open civil discussions about everything. It really HAS helped and I’m finding out more about how he feels and Visa versa. Funny how couples don’t just sit and talk about their relationships or their emotions about life. I guess we just get too caught up in the everyday chores and duties. I really would download that book to skim. You can get a kindle version. You will want to skim through a lot as it doesn’t all relate to our experience, but it helped me verbalize what I’m feeling toward their “emotional” affair. That is basically how it is defined in the book (a deep emotional bond with another woman and your husband that isn’t physical). It also, helped me to relate to him as well. Of course,it isn’t directly related to MLC, but a lot of it makes since to me.

I think it will all be good and we have to let them know we are trying to understand what they are going through, but that they have to have boundaries and remember us and communicate with us, their wives, as they go along this course. It also makes me realize how much I take for granted and makes ME want try harder too. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame myself for this, I just think both my husband and I could do more to make our marriage stronger. And it sounds like your husband is wanting that as well. Good luck. Hope to hear more from you on your journey.


pieper August 28, 2015 at 6:12 pm

Jenn! Thankyou so very much I will donload it today. My husband is at work today so rather than me wollwing in my misery I decided to get up, clean the house put on a pretty dress (I know he loves a dress), which I rarely do and fix my hair and face and get on top of things at times I’ve felt my heart start to race and tears burning in my eyelids but I refuse to keep being so emotional around him and just support as the 6 stages suggested. (probably doesn’t help that I haven’t eaten in two days)
I have also booked him in this afternoon at my favorite hair salon for a treatment and head massage because who dosent love someone else washing their hair.
He’s a great guy which is why I’m so scared about the whole thing.
Will let you know how I go with the book.
Have a great weekend X

Jenn August 28, 2015 at 9:18 am

Oops….sorry my phone autocorrected and spelled your name wrong.


Chloe Jeffreys August 28, 2015 at 4:01 pm

I am so sorry this has happened. After all I’ve seen I would not trust either of them. You need to protect your assets asap. Get copies of your bank statements, and run a credit check to see if he has debts you don’t know about. Run the credit checks on both of your names.

Go look at his cell phone account. How often is he texting her? If it’s more than a couple of times a day then she’s lying to you. You’ll also be able to tell if they are talking and how frequently. You’ll also be able to tell iif they are sending media (pictures) to one another.

If I were you I wouldn’t tell him I was doing this until after the fact.

Get the facts and protect your assets first, then go to counseling. Do not believe anything this woman says. Good luck.


Jenn August 19, 2015 at 6:42 am

My husband is going through a MLC of sorts. He hates that word and rolls his eyes, but that is what it is. We have been married for 15 years, we have two wonderful little boys. We rock climb together, camp, hike, and hunt together. He was depressed for a year and hated his job. He got a new job and everything seemed better. Actually wonderful. Then he met some old coworkers out for a drink, but most canceled last minute and only this beautiful buxom coworker came. He told me all about it. Told me she was attracted and he was to her, but he wanted to assure me that I’m the love of his life and he only wants a friendship from her. She is also married with two kids. He said she if fun to talk to and began texting her….a lot. He would tell me what they were texting about, but I couldn’t help being jealous. They was definitely a flirty tone to the texts. She started inviting our family over to their house for pool parties dinner, etc. she is nice, but she and my husband would sit and chat all evening. Two things made me freak out 1) I read his texts to her after I noticed him hiding his phone face from me. He said something about not being able to be good and hold back much longer. And she said at least you wife is OK with everything, “you are going to get me in trouble”. After this, I told him I couldn’t handle him texting her anymore. He told me he would stop while he was at home, but he enjoyed her conversations and she made him feel good about himself. He said he would talk to her and make sure she understood he didn’t want anything sexual. He talked to her while I was out of town and they kissed. He said she kissed him goodbye after he told her. So we went with that for a week or two….sex life is better than ever …and then were invited to her house for a pool party. We live 30 min away, so typically we stay the night wih friends. That is not abnormal for us, we don’t drive after drinking. At 2 in the morning when I asked him to come to bed with me, he said, no, Im having fun, I’ll be down in a minute. She and another friend were still awake. This hurt me terribly as he was staying up to enjoy HER company. He has been honest with me and promises he only wants a friendship and that he loves me completely. He says he just needs her friendship as he doesn’t have anyone to talk to other than me like I talk to my girlfriends. I could handle it no longer though. I wrote it all down so I could read it. I told him I wanted to help him thru this MLC and that Im willing to do what ever I need, but he has to help me too, by 1) cutting all ties with her (no calling, no going to house, NO TEXTing) 2) seeing a counselor. He of course blew up. Said im overreacting and how could I force him to lose such a good friend. In the end he said he understood how I felt, but that he really thinks I’m reading too much in to their relationship. (I was worried the “innocent” texts would eventually turn into love.). Which he may not think so, but when he says stuff like he just needs her attention and he doesn’t know what is wrong with himself, what am I suppose to think. I discussed this with her, she said she was sorry and loves her husband and would of course respect my wishes. He has cut ties with her, though I can feel him slipping into this depression. He is trying, he says as long as I’m happy he can be happy which is BS, but he is trying not to be depressed and a recluse. He won’t talk about what he is going through. He says he will get through it, but he said he absolutely WILL NOT see a counselor. He doesn’t believe in them. He feels he has given enough by cutting ties with her. And now I just need to give him time to sort himself out. He is trying to make me happy, but I worry about his mental health. How do I help get us through this funk?!?


Betsy August 10, 2015 at 4:25 pm

My husband 58 yrs old is having an affair with a woman 10 yrs younger. He wants the other woman and me too. He says he loves me but in the past few months he does everything with her and told me he has a marriage license with me to keep me from leaving but she could just up and leave. He said i dont have a hold on her and she might leave. I know this woman has been a career cheater and she will hurt him eventuality. I think my husband is acting totally out of character and crazy at that. He says he doesnt want to hurt me but i have been married to this man happily for more than 40 yrs and he hurts me daily with his actions. I dont know if i should leave him or not. The other woman is a predator. My husband goes out with her every night of the week. I used to go out with him but it wasnt fun i guess. Im at a loss


Shawna August 3, 2015 at 9:50 am

I believe my husband is having a MLC. I came home from work and he had took all our money and moved out to his moms and joined dating sites. He says he doesn’t love me anymore and hasn’t for the whole 17 years we have been together. He says he was with me cause he felt sorry for me. I owned my own home and car and had a job everything when he met me. He is horrible with finances and cost me to lose everything. I raised his son from 1 until he is 18 and I have 3 daughters of my own that r older. When he left he blocked all of us from calling or texting him. He is 44 and I am 48. This is so hard cause I love him and want him home. I already done wrong cause I tried the begging and all that and he was just rude and angry at me. What are my options to help get my husband home or do I really have any. Thank You Sahwna


Jim August 2, 2015 at 3:49 pm

I have been with my wife since I was 18 and now I am 28. In the last 3 years I have had 2 affairs with women from work. I almost plan to leave my wife for these women but the women stop the affair when they see me in doubt. I have tried to leave my wife over the affairs but have too much guilt.

I dont know if I’m trying to relive my youth via these affairs. I’m only 28 and only have had sex with my wife and these 2 affair partners who are more attractive then my wife. I just want to have a happy healthy relationship. I’m afraid I will continue to look for affairs even if I did go and start a relationship with my affair partners.

I also don’t think I know how to love a partner unconditionally. I never grew up around loyal couples.

Any advice would help.


Debbie July 29, 2015 at 3:46 pm

I begged him to go to counseling. He said no. But I’m going on Friday.


Debbie July 29, 2015 at 3:43 pm

I’m having panic attack now!! My husband of 25 yrs has been distant, not wanting sex, very quiet. I know he is unhappy with his job. And he will be 60 in March. A lot has to do with the job. He tells me last night, that he is empty, has nothing to give, and wants out. I almost died. He said it’s not you, it’s me. I asked him if there were someone else…he said No, no way.
I’m trying to be calm and not fall apart. I’m being supportive. I’m 61 and the thought of being alone is terrifying. HELP.


Kate July 17, 2015 at 6:21 pm

My husband is in a MLC and I just don’t know if our marriage can survive it. He just retired from the Police Dept – a job that made him miserable. I thought retirement would bring him back to the man I married, however as soon as he retired he went off the deep end, stating the marriage was over, he wanted me to buy him a cabin in the woods for him to go to, and he wanted freedom to date other people. I am sure you could imagine my response. I am the breadwinner and completey support him and our two young children. He has slightly improved but is still labile, with an explosive temper, does not much more than sit around and play video games and yell at the rest of us. He refuses counseling and has no motivation to work. I wonder if the only reason he stays is that I pay for everything, including a very nice house. Over the past year he has shown slightly more interest in the kids, started gardening, and yells a bit less, but is still rarely affectionate. There is no evidence of another woman ( he would have to get off of the couch and out of the house). Should I take his small improvements as a sign he will turn around orbis it too soon to tell? I don’t know how long these mid life crises last.


Ursula July 18, 2015 at 12:40 am

Hi Kate
I think we all get to a point where we ask how long will this mlc last. I found a helpful article on the stages of mlc. Can’t remember the site now but Google it and see if you find any joy there.
I always thought that I would know its the end if my husband would remorsefully come and beg forgiveness for hurt caused but even though he:s not in his rebellious stage anymore and made it clear that our marriage is priority, he didn’t get around to the repentance yet. But I know its coming. No use me rushing it because then it won’t be genuine. Also its not about me wanting it so much for my own sake as it is to give me the indication that the crisis is over. It seems you find yourself also somewhere there.


Pieper August 28, 2015 at 8:19 am

Hi There Lovely,
I also am going through a confusing time and just now finished reading 6 stages of midlife crisis. I highly recommend you google it, it won’t stop the hurt your feeling but could shed some light on what is going on. I feel a little less confused after reading it.


Renee July 12, 2015 at 6:27 am

I’m in a relationship not married but he’s going through mid life criss we stay in separate house and he just bought a new car out every weekend never take me out any more the only thing he dies with me is sex every day then leave what should I do


May July 7, 2015 at 2:02 pm

I feel like this could be me. My husband and I have been together for 21 years, married for 15, with three small children. We are in our early 40’s. He was let go from a real estate company and his real estate company failed when the market crashed nearly 8 years ago (and we still own a dozen properties) so he sought a career counselor to help him determine other career options. He decided on becoming a nurse practitioner but only completed his BSN because he hated floor nursing and becoming a nurse practitioner “was too time intensive” with three young children. He is working in an entry-level case management position in the meantime and and is quite bored, but he doesn’t know what he wants to do for the rest of his life and he’s been applying for numerous different positions to no avail. He’s mentioned business, finance, nursing home and most recently going back into real estate again (he has an MBA in real estate/finance). I’m becoming frustrated with the unknown and his inability to figure things out. And, he wants my help but I don’t know what to tell him anymore. Could this be a mid-life crisis? Are there any suggestions on what I can do to help him get through this besides giving up?
May recently posted..You Are Invited to a FLOR Design and Wine Event in San FranciscoMy Profile


Chloe Jeffreys July 7, 2015 at 2:33 pm

Dear May, this sounds a bit different than most of the others who write me for advice. Although this is a form of midlife crisis, it is being driven more by outside economic forces than a true desire to relive his youth or chase some imaginary romantic dreams.

I am a Registered Nurse. The difference between being an RN and selling real estate couldn’t be more night and day. I can see how he’s found himself suddenly confronted with a career that he likely sought out for financial reasons only to find that he hates it. Nursing, while a secure career, is not a good job to do just for money.

That said, he has obligations that he must fulfill, and you both need to figure out whether he is up to the task of fulfilling them or not. As always, I advise trained marital counseling. A trained counselor can help you both get to the root of the issues.

I also think you need to start thinking about how you will support yourself and your three children if he doesn’t pull his head out. He needs to know how much you all are depending upon him–maybe he needs more motivation to realize that this isn’t just about his career dreams, but about true financial survival–but you also need to begin creating a fall-back plan if it turns out he’s undependable at this time.


Tami July 7, 2015 at 10:56 am

Well, my husband turned 50 about 3 months ago and yesterday, after 27 years of marriage, he told me he is unhappy and has fallen out of love with me. It was a complete blindside. I immediately made an appointment with a counselor because I don’t even know how to process what is happening. All of the words he used sounded like they came straight off an internet site about male mid-life crisis. There is no other woman he is just “unhappy” about his life. He started running and is now in a track club here in town and dropped weight. It’s like I’m watching the wheels fall off in slow motion. How do you process what you don’t understand? I’ve been dealing with menopause for 3 years and haven’t fallen out of love yet!


Chloe July 7, 2015 at 11:45 am

I will lay you dollars to donuts that there is another woman. Hire a private investigator and a lawyer. Find out the truth and protect your assets as soon as possible. Grieve later, but protect your future now.

Chloe recently posted..You Are Invited to a FLOR Design and Wine Event in San FranciscoMy Profile


Tami July 8, 2015 at 11:56 am

Update: While I ran to Target last night, he left. But today I have seen a counselor and have a new bank account. Tomorrow I visit an attorney. Thanks for the advice.



Ursula July 7, 2015 at 7:41 am

Out of desperation I turned to your site because as understanding as I want to be I feel I’m fighting a losing battle. The girl at work, the fishing trips, the disinterest in me and family, the irritation with everybody etc etc etc I went and am going through it all. Will he get through this?


Chloe Jeffreys July 7, 2015 at 2:20 pm

Dear Ursula,

I’m almost certain he will get through this, but the real question you need to start asking yourself is how will you? Men in the throes of this form of insanity generally land on their feet. It’s their left-behind wives and children who are left struggling to pick up the pieces of their broken lives.

My first question is always, “Is he willing to go to counseling?” If yes, then make an appointment right away. A trained counselor will help you both determine whether your marriage can be saved. As much as I know you don’t necessarily want an answer to that question, thinking that if you just give it more time he’ll come to his senses, I must warn you that there is a significant and very real danger to your financial future if you procrastinate. While you’re waiting for him to figure himself out, he and that girl at work might be finding ways to steal your financial future right out from under you.

You do yourself and your children no favors not facing this head-on, especially if there is another woman involved. And even more especially if she is a younger woman seeking to mate poach your husband and start a family with him of her own.

Beyond protecting yourself financially, it is time for you to stop obsessing about what he’s going to do and start thinking about what you are going to do, whether or not he ever pulls his head out of his ass. This is your life too! And you deserve not to spend it worrying about him and what he’s going to do next.

I know this is hard advice, but I’ve been reading and responding to sad stories such as yours for quite awhile now. You can stop being a victim of his selfishness. It hurts like hell. I know that. But 1) you have to face the fact that you might be spending your future without him, and 2) you are much more likely to win him back when you become more fascinated with your life and less worried about his.

Take heart. He will either come around, or he won’t. And in the meantime you have a lot of growing to do of your own. Don’t let him steal your life. Let me know how it turns out. I do care.


Ursula July 8, 2015 at 1:41 pm

Hi Chloe.
Yes. You do care. I really didn’t expect a reply and such a lenghty one at that. Thank you. And yes, you right, your advice is hard and to the point but worth following through. That girly at the work is a non-issue and even though it took me a few months I worked hard at nipping that one in the butt. I mentioned it in my first post just to relate to all the things mlc sojourners go through.
I’m so drawn to all these stories and just trust that everything will work out for the best for all of us as we keep the faith and do what we must do


Sue July 3, 2015 at 11:35 pm

Hi I’m hoping you can help me people up there
Sorry my English because I’m from Middle East
After 18 years of marriage first 2 1/2 years ago he cheated on me I forgave him ,I thought everything it’s fine till, last week after I installed find my friend ,I saw him after work going to strange place and stopped there for some time when I called him that time never answer ,until the day I told him I’m going with my fried somewhere, he left work and he went there but that day he found out something on phone and he left the phone at work so I went to the place with my friend and after 29 minuts of looking I saw him with the young girl about 32 walking I called him and he saw me and hide it was a gated apartment I don’t have to explain what I went throu
But now I go to work with him everyday but I get tired and I don’t like what I’m doing I really love him I can’t let him go ,he said he is sorry and he is trying heis best .first time excuse was he wants kid at age 49 ,I have my own but not with him he love kids but when I was 42 dr told me I can’t get pregnant and he said if God wants me to have it he would give me ,and I told him in ten years don’t say you want kids ,but he told after ten years he said exact thing I told him however I need help please


Chloe Jeffreys July 7, 2015 at 2:25 pm

Oh my dear, Sue. I am so sorry. This sounds dreadful. My best advice is to start thinking about what life can look like without this man. If he wants children that you can’t give him then there isn’t much you can do about that. I’ve seen the heartache on both ends of this, where women marry agreeing not to have more children, but then later decide they want them, and the reverse. The desire for children is real and when that desire strikes there isn’t much one can do to change it.

I don’t know what resources are available to you in your country, but meeting with a trained impartial counselor is always helpful in getting to the heart of the matter. Is this a kids thing, or is he in love with someone else? Can you marriage be saved? The sooner you get to those answers the sooner you can start working towards a solution, either together or apart. And as painful as a life apart sounds to you right now, I promise a life apart will be better than the agony this liar is putting you through right now.

Take care. Let me know what you decide to do.


Alice June 23, 2015 at 1:54 am

Thank you for this blog. I feel like I’m living someone else’s life. Three days ago the man I married vanished, and was replaced by a man I don’t know. He is angry, distant, and moody. We were so in love, we did everything together, now I fee like I’m dying. My stomach is in knots, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I just keep crying. I don’t know how to make this stop. Honestly, I wish I could just stop feeling anything. I have a great job, and I can’t continue like this. I’m a wreck. I don’t even know where I start now. I moved out of bedroom so he could have space. I asked him yesterday if he would go to marriage counseling, he didn’t say no, but he really didn’t commit either. I’m so torn up…afraid…angry. I can’t stop crying. This is so awful. I really need a happy ending story…I just want the life I had last week.


Alice June 24, 2015 at 2:18 am

He just asked me for a divorce last night, four days after he had a complete personality change. I’m beside myself. I can’t believe this.


Katy June 16, 2015 at 8:32 pm

Hi, Im hoping you can help!

I love my husband dearly! We’ve been married almost one year. He’s 31 and he is in crisis, whether midlife or not, I dont know. He’s dealt with depression on and off for the past few years (we’ve been together almost 6 years). He recently lost his job and we are living with his parents because I am also unemployed until I start teaching in August. To say we are broke is an understatement. I know he feels lost, angry, like he’s let me down, and just screwed by life to the point where he can’t deal anymore. He wants to give up entirely which breaks my heart. I’m excited to start my career and our marriage and he is so lost, on the verge of giving up everything.

He is extremely restless, irritable, angry, frustrated, and he says I just don’t understand. Without a job he’s even more stagnant, with no direction. All he ever wanted to do was play hockey and would have gone to college on a scholarship but got hurt and couldn’t play again and didn’t go to college. He doesn’t know what to do with his life now. He desperately wants to get out of here and take a trip to the mountains with a buddy to clear his head and get some perspective, and I desperately want to support him in that, except that we are so totally broke until I get paid in late August. I’m scared he’ll completely lose it before then. What am I supposed to do? I feel like it’s all on my shoulders, like I’m supposed to work some miracle, and the anxiety of the whole situation is so much.

I feel triggered by his crisis. It’s stirring my fears of abandonment and causing me to feel responsible and guilty that I can’t help him. I’m scared that we will never be stable or happy or that he will always be miserable or self medicating (my dad was an alcoholic). And more than anything I’m scared I’ll watch my husband slowly drown without being able to save him.

How am I supposed to best help and support him while also taking care of myself and my own issues this is triggering without being selfish or making it “all about myself”?

Please help!


Don Dressel June 17, 2015 at 1:00 am

Hi I am sorry you are going through this.
I have been going through the same thing with my wife. We are currently separated and she has put me through hell!
I have made changes in my life focussing on me by exercising everyday and taking martial arts.
All I can tell you is he will ruin you emotionally and there are enough decent guys looking for a good woman such as you.
Start doing things for you and don’t worry about him.
I have been a good husband and faithful to her the whole time we have been together.
I wish you a the luck and you are young enough to start over. Don’t waste your time with him unless he is ready to sit down with you and work on your relationship. He will only break your heart further.
Take care Don


Marie June 19, 2015 at 10:22 am

I agree with Don…it’s a waste of your time trying to make a depressed person happy. It’s not our job. I’ve been through a similar circumstance and can’t do it anymore. Life’s too short to wallow in their pain all the time.


Don Dressel June 20, 2015 at 12:02 pm

Yes Maria I agree! After 24 years together she caught me by surprise.
I am now getting my house ready for sale and have quit texting and calling her. She is lost in her own world and at almost 60 years old is throwing me our dogs and our beautiful home away.

She had almost destroyed my life but I finally came up with a game plan to rebuild my life. I have let her go so I can find peace and heal.
She had told me I am a good man and a have been a wonderful husband.
Which makes it all the more puzzling?
Life is to short to waste my time on her anymore!
She even cut off all contact with her sisters. I saw her younger sister the other day who she was very close to and saw the hurt in her eyes.

Life goes on and I am sure I will meet someone who will appreciate me when I am ready
Take care Don


Chloe Jeffreys June 18, 2015 at 8:44 am

Oh my gosh, Katy! I’m so sorry you are both going through this.

I’m afraid that I don’t see how a get-away to the mountains with a buddy is going to fix a totally effed up economy and his unemployment problem. If he’s around your age, it doesn’t sound like a midlife-crisis to me, but rather a life crisis, or a never had a life crisis. He hasn’t even started living a life yet to have a crisis about. If anything, he’s still having a teenaged crisis over his inability to pursue a hockey career due to that injury.

Years and years ago I was sitting in a Bible study with a group of couples talking about happy times in our lives. One of the men there said with tears in his eyes that the very best time of his life–and let’s remember his wife of many years and the mother of his several teenaged children was sitting there next to him–was when he played baseball in high school. Now let’s ponder that for a minute. This 40+ year old man was still wistfully reminiscing about his glory days in HIGH SCHOOL!?!?! For a clear moment I saw that despite being alive, he’d already been dead for over 20 years.

Normally I’d suggest counseling for a situation like yours, but I realize that you don’t have the money for that. Unfortunately, you both likely do need some professional help, him for his depression and you for your co-dependency. You are not going to be able to fix what it wrong with him. I will venture a guess that things will likely become worse, maybe much worse, for the both of you when you do start making money. You spending that money on mini-vacations for him isn’t going to do diddly to help him face what he needs to face. He isn’t going to play professional hockey, he needs to find something else to do, and he needs to start doing it. Running off to the mountains with a buddy is yet another escape from a reality he has yet to accept.

What should you do? Well, that depends. How deeply do you love him? Would you lay down your life for him? Because that’s what it looks like to me. If he doesn’t pick himself up and do something with his own life then he’s going to suck your life out of you.

It’s time for tough love. You can’t carry the weight of this marriage by yourself. If he won’t man-up and start carrying his load by getting off his ass and doing something to save himself then you need to start considering your options.

Like I said, it would be nice if you could find a professionals to help you navigate through this. That’s what I suggest you spend that first paycheck on, not a vacation for him.

God Bless. Let me know how it turns out. I do care.


Karen May 31, 2015 at 4:58 pm

Very long story. 1 day said I want a divorce, going to go live with the love of his life. Had only talked or seen her 4 or 5 times in 50 yrs.
Decides to stay in marriage of 45 1/2 yr. Marriage with me. 2 weeks later he leaves everything. Me, his daughter, grandson, friends. Was very active person. Left it all to go 6 hrs. Away to nothing but his teenage love. He said she looked 18 but was 64 & he was 67. Lived for 5 months in sin, divorced, & remarried 1 month later.
When he left me hugged me twice. Called me when he got there. I said I love u, he said I love u 2. I said come home & he said I can’t love 2 women. Lot more story. Been almost 23 months now.


Becky Ann Luschei May 4, 2015 at 8:21 pm

Hi Chloe (of the mountain)! I’m a fellow blogger (site noted above, of course!) who is dealing with midlife crisis and husband. He denies it but key symptoms are there and I caught myself judging him, questioning him and really, really frustrated until I started educating myself about it. After all, we deal with menopause, why CAN’T they go through MAN-o-pause? He’s not out buying expensive stuff because he’s a very, VERY fiscally responsible guy to the point of not wanting to spend ANY and just enjoying watching the numbers in his account rise, to the point that, this lady is preparing to go back into the workforce (after being retired for four years) so she can have her OWN money to spend without his constant questioning (something he didn’t used to do). I’m a blogger, artist and photographer. I want to fund my own photo gallery without 1. asking him to back me; 2. getting a lone. We are debt free and I want to remain that way.

However, I’ve watched over the last several years, how he’s become irrational and angry over the most small things. He just wants to lay around all the time and I’ve noticed he can’t seem to complete a task all the way through. These are things that were uncharacteristic for him, before. He was always conscientious and thorough. He is facing retiring from his job he’s had for nearly 30 years which he is very good at. It is a specialized occupation that pays very well (flight simulator technician for the Federal Government for the new Growler jets). So, your candid approach and honesty about this topic is refreshing. In my blog, I have a post about hot flashes. It’s a humorous take on that annoying little thing but I face it with a crazy sense of humor (having one now; oh boy!). So, perhaps I could learn more from you or you could be my first guest writer and submit on this particular topic. Anyway, I enjoyed the read and would to hear/read more from you on the subject and how you’ve done since this post I just read. Thank you!


Chloe Jeffreys May 6, 2015 at 2:22 pm

I am curious whether your husband has some depression going on. Retirement can cause that. Also there is such a thing as adult-onset ADD or ADHD. Your remarks about his short attention span bring that to mind.

But my biggest concern is his extreme frugality and its affects upon you. I strongly urge you to find a way to make your own money. I haven’t found blogging to be very lucrative at all. In fact, I lost a lot of money trying to make a living at it. I’m not working as a travel nurse making enough money of my own to meet whatever needs may come my way.

My husband and I are still together and going strong. We got a great deal of very good counseling, made some significant changes in our lifestyle to make it better suit the both of us, and are getting ready to begin building our dream home together. But that took a great deal or work. I highly recommend finding a good therapist to help you work through your issues with your husband. And I strongly, strongly advice you to get copies of all your financial records so you can see clearly what is really going on there. I hope you don’t find any surprises, but a good look now would be in your best interests, I think. Good luck!


Jennifer May 1, 2015 at 10:44 am

I think my husband is going through a MLC. He shows signs anyway, such as, totally unhappy with many parts of life, suddenly going on fishing trips, pissed off ALOT, doesn’t know if he ever loved. That’s a few. We have been together for 23 yrs. Since we were both 19. He said I took his youth away from him. We have an 18 yo daughter. This all started about 6 months ago. 13 yrs. ago, I was unfaithful and he said that he suddenly can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t think that’s really it. He has just changed so much. He was always so kind and gentle and soft spoken. Never had a mean thing to say. Now, he calls our daughter horrible names, doesn’t talk to me hardly at all, treats me like I have the plaque many days. I want to say something to him about this possible MLC, but I don’t know how or what to say. Please help me. I love him more than air. He’s my life. I don’t want to lose him. Please, help me.


Don Dressel May 6, 2015 at 7:22 pm

All I can tell you is sit him down and tell him how you feel. Tell him that he is your life and how much you love him. My wife is going through a late mid-life crisis and has caused me a lot of heartache. I finally told her if she does not get her head on straight I am moving on! She wants a separation and I told her if she moves out I am filing for a divorce. I have been working on getting my house back in shape and talking to my parents on buying her out on our home.
Life goes on and dealing with a mixed up spouse makes your life hell! Work on yourself and do not rely on him making you happy. You can only do that. take care Don


todd fox April 22, 2015 at 4:23 pm

My wife is having typical midlife crisis. She could write the book. It’s been a year since bomb drop and we’re half way through divorce. I find myself intentionally pissing her off and driving her away. Making her feel all hope is lost. I do not want to deal with the day she realizes she made a mistake and tries to come back because I don’t think I could resist her. I love her so much but can’t forgive her for the way she has treated the kids. I don’t want to deal with it, I don’t want to make that decision because I know how tough it will be and don’t feel that strong. I’m a much better person now but miss her dearly. I love everything that she has become. Outgoing, adventurous, beautiful but not the lying, cheating, deceiving, manipulative. I understand that I have to accept good with bad and I can’t. I drive her away on purpose. She can’t hurt me if I don’t let her.


Chloe Jeffreys April 24, 2015 at 1:05 pm

Todd, I am so very sorry. Women also go through midlife crises and abandon them husbands and children for lives they feel will be more exciting and rewarding. I hope you can find your way to the other size of this painful experience. You deserve happiness, too.

Here’s my unsolicited advice: A year ago a bomb went off in your life, and this bomb catapulted you from an acute response into a chronic fight or flight state. The stress of what you are going through has likely burned out your dopamine/serotonin receptors and fried your adrenal glands. The first thing to do is to go buy yourself a liter Camelbak water bottle and fill it at least twice a day. Severe stress leads to dehydration. You can’t imagine how this dehydration is feeding your stress level. Then, if you aren’t already, find a good gym and start working out at least 3 times a week, but 5 or 6 is better. If this is the first time you’ve really joined a gym, hire a personal trainer at first to help you develop a plan best for you. Then take up a cardiovascular hobby of some sort like jogging, or biking that will get you outside. You need the sun to help you make the Vitamin D you desperately need.

You can’t do a damned thing about her, but you can and should start taking care of you. Detaching your life and your self-esteem from her choices is integral to your well-being whether or not she ever realizes what a mistake she’s made. Take care of you. No one else will.


Heather April 21, 2015 at 12:37 pm

Wow. I just read this me and my husband have been married since we were 18. We are 30 and 32 now. He wants to leave me for someone he dated when we were teens. He has helped me pack me and our 4 kids 4 times now. But everytime I cant even get out of the driveway before he is waving me back. He tells me he cant live with out me for even a second but he cant stop thinking about her and wondering if he was really supposed to be with her instead of me. Maybe this is what is going on is midlife crisis. He is finally doing well in his career as an airplane mechanic. Please any advise will be helpful. We have been married 12 years this has been going on since January


Chloe Jeffreys April 24, 2015 at 1:15 pm

Oh Heather, I’m so sorry. I do have some advice.

The disruption of this has to be extremely upsetting for your kids and it is unfair to drag them through the instability of your marriage. Next time your marriage crumbles make him pack up and leave. Or, if that’s not an option for some reason, and you have to be the one to pack up four kids and leave, DO NOT TURN AROUND. Keep on driving! You cannot seriously think that after four times anything is going to change, right? This yo-yo-ing is bad for you. It’s bad for your kids. And it is teaching your husband that he can treat you and his family this way. You are training him to treat you like shit. Knock it off!

You need professional help right away. I’m not there. I can’t see with my own eyes what is actually going on. A counselor can. I don’t know if your marriage can be saved, but right this moment I really couldn’t give a rat’s ass about your marriage. I’m concerned for your mental health and the future ability of your children to form appropriate romantic relationships in their own lives. This bouncing back and forth can’t be good for them at all. Stop worrying about this jerk of a husband and father and start focusing on yourself and your kids. Take care of you! It is clear to me from what you’ve written that you cannot depend on this man anymore.


Don Dressel April 26, 2015 at 4:42 am

Heather I am going through the exact thing only we are older I am 58 and she is 59. Thank God we dont have kids! She is so mixed up and if she is away one night she will text me lovingly and the next night she is very cold. I finally told her no more texting me and calling me and I am leaving for a vacation by myself and when I get back she is going away.While she is gone I am fixing up our house and we are selling it. I am so very sad but this has been going on for almost a year now and I have realized if I dont leave she will end up causing me to have a nervous break down. I hope you have good friends to help you get through this! I have a wonderful friend that has helped me tremendously to get through this. I am so very sad but I need to move on. Take care and my heart goes out to you


Patty April 1, 2015 at 5:10 pm

Wow….wish I had seen this site 2yrs. Ago. My husband left me for a younger woman,lost interest in everything,sit around like he was somewhere else…found high hills and stockings in his man cave and he said he was wearing them…was his fantasy…he us a full blown country boy…. I didn’t believe him!!!!found other things too..we are both 60 now and and were married 24 yrs. Really good marriage until 2 yrs. Ago…boom…. I didn’t handle it well and am still devastated…. I’m losing everything…my farm,my horses,everything..and haven’t worked in several yrs. Don’t know what I’m going to do now…scared and lonely….


Jen April 26, 2015 at 4:23 am

Patty, I feel your pain. I am going through a similar situation. There is no warning, it’s just BAM, and he’s running like a coward. I know your fear and loneliness. Be brave and keep moving forward, even if it’s only baby steps. We will be ok.


Patty April 26, 2015 at 6:37 am

Hi Jen, my divorce was final yesterday….I cried through the whole thing…I hoped and prayed up until the night before he would change his mind..I’m so devasted ….he showed no emotion …25 years of the best years of my life. I’m 60 now and really have no desire to start over. My life was hell before him and he changed everything… I’ll never be that happy again.I know in my heart. I will always love him and long to be with him. Our farm is now up for sale and I will soon have to say goodbye to my min. Donkey ,5 horses and a sweet kitty.I don’t have a job and have no skills. I waitressed for 27 yrs. And stopped about 10 yrs. Ago and became a farm girl when we moved here. That’s all I really know how to do.I’m not as young either so I’m scared to death.I am so heartbroken and lonely I feel like ending it all. To much to bare…I hope you are doing better….good luck and prayers to you…Patty


Don Dressel April 26, 2015 at 4:49 am

Patty my heart goes out to you! I am sure you have read my post. I gave my wife everything faithful loving and did everything for her! I hurt my back and was laid up for awhile and she went online and started chatting with all these younger guys. I am heartbroken but I will rebuild my life without her. Everyone has told her she will be sorry but she is so blind to what is going on! I started working out and look better and feel better! I have a great support of great friends especially one friend. There will be a better future for you just have faith! Take care Don


Rudy M. Villegas April 1, 2015 at 1:35 am

Wow. Great article here.I must agree it all boils down to what we accept to think and how we perceive our world. It doesn’t matter whether we are suffering from midlife crisis or not, what matters is that we know how to deal with these issues the right way and with positive attitude. Hope to read more from your site.


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Rebecca March 17, 2015 at 10:09 am

Hi just came across your site when punched in mid life crisis. My husband is threating me with divorce wont talk to me or have sex with me for awhile now. He does look at porn a lot this problem is going on a very long time. I am married for 27 years and I have three married children and one bride at home. Please help me…


Chloe Jeffreys March 18, 2015 at 12:32 am

Oh Rebecca! I’m so sorry. I wish I could reach out and hug you. My advice is to seek out a reputable counselor right away. No, it’s not good enough to see your Pastor. You need someone experienced in marriage counseling, midlife crisis, and divorce.

You can ask your husband to go, but go anyway whether he goes or not. The most important issue right now is protecting yourself financially. It is during this period of time that many women get ripped off by their once loving and devoted spouses. They take advantage of your emotional tailspin while making off with the bank account. I don’t mean to scare you, but you need to take decisive action right away to protect yourself financially. And don’t kid yourself that he’d never do that to you. He can, and he might. I’ve seen it dozens of times. A man in the throes of a midlife crisis where there is very likely another woman involved cannot be trusted.

Once you have a finger on the money situation then you can assess whether or not your marriage can be saved. Oftentimes it can, even if there is another woman involved. But your financial security and your future must take precedence over every other consideration first! Trust me. He’s not thinking about your future right now; he’s thinking about himself.

I consider a midlife crisis to be somewhat akin to a type of temporary insanity except you don’t know whether he’ll recover or not. You have to realize that your husband is not thinking clearly. He’s facing the loss of his youth, his unmet dreams, his libido, his looks, and his impending mortality. It’s enough to drive anyone off the edge if you think about it.

Your husband might have legitimate issues with your marriage, and he might not. You can’t know if you can’t get him to talk about it. That’s why counseling is critical. If he won’t go then you have to go because you have to face the fact that you might very well end up divorced. You can’t make your husband happy. You can’t fix what’s wrong with him. You can’t make it go away. Only he has control over himself.

All you can control is you. You can act decisively to protect your financial security. You can make decision that are the best for you in the long run. You can make changes in your own health. You can start thinking about what you want the rest of your life to look like whether he’s in it or not. You have ultimate control over you. Never forget that. You are going to feel very out of control. You might feel like your whole life is recklessly spinning away from you, but you are in control of yourself.

I’m sure you aren’t eating (or maybe you’re over-eating). Either way, you have to start taking care of yourself and your health. You’re going to need your health to stabilize your emotions.

Get a big bag of epsom salts and start taking hot baths to help you relax and pull out the stress. Go get a massage. If you can afford them, a weekly massage while going through the worst of it will help. If he complains about the expense remind him how expensive divorce is. You have every right to take care of yourself while he jumps off the deep end. Drink plenty of water. Try to avoid too much alcohol.

Be judicious in who you talk to. Other women can be catty or attempt to use your pain as a catharsis of their own, so try to pick stable women who really care about you to confide in.

Feel free to write me anytime. I do care.


Katie v March 14, 2015 at 11:02 pm

My husband is going through a midlife crisis as well, I believe. In August of 2013 he went to Hawaii for some army training and during that time he got hooked up with a girl because he was depressed and she showed him he could be happy again. This is what he says. I found out in November, requested they stop talking, I thought they did, found out in jan they had never stopped. It took until June 2014 for them to stop talking. He bought a motorcycle, something he’s wanted for a while and in August we made a big move. During that time it was a big adjustment for me and I dropped the ball and lost interest in meeting his needs. I got depressed myself from moving somewhere new. In January he had to go to where she was living again and it started all over again. He said when he came home he was sure he wanted a divorce, but here we are 2 months later and he’s having a harder time than ever. He says he just wants to be happy. Has pulled the whole inlove you, not in love with you, yet we have great sex, a lot, he compliments me everyday, says this is the most he’s ever been attracted to me, says I’m amazing. He even said the other day “you love me the way I want, you take care of the house the way I want, you take care of our kids the way I want, you have the attitude that I love, it’s all just the past.” He thinks I’ll “relapse” and he won’t be happy. Since the other woman lives 4000 miles away, they only have an emotional connection. They talk everyday on the way to and from work. I asked if he would go to counseling and prior he’s always said no, but he said yes so I made the first appointment and we’ll be going Monday. He says if he knew he could wake up everyday and be happy with me of course he would stay. How can l prove that to him when I’ve let him down in the past. And before it’s too late.


Katie v March 14, 2015 at 11:04 pm

Oh and he still lives at home. He’s talked about moving out and requested we go see my dad for 2 weeks. We did and while we were gone he said he’d be moving out. That was almost a week ago and he’s still here. Help.


Chloe Jeffreys March 18, 2015 at 12:40 am

Wait a minute! He’s taken up with another woman and it’s your fault? You let him down? His choice to engage in an emotional affair with another woman is his fault. He made that choice. Now, I’m not saying you don’t have issues in your marriage. I’m sure you do. But he could have handled those issues a dozen different ways other than finding another woman to attach himself emotionally to

You are NOT responsible for making him happy. And from what you’ve told me here he’s holding you hostage by this subtle threat of this other woman. It is NOT okay that he’s emotionally attached to this other woman. It is not okay that’s talking to her several times a day if he’s serious about his marriage with you.

I’m very glad he’s agreed to counseling. I think it’s the right first step. In the meantime, protect yourself financially. Men in the throes of a midlife crisis, especially when another woman is involved, cannot be trusted to act in your best interest, or even the best interest of their children.

Take care! Let me know how counseling works out.


Katie v March 18, 2015 at 9:55 am

No, it’s not ok and I understand that. I also know it’s not my fault, but even I’m not stupid enough to say that if a man is not getting what he wants in a relationship they will look for it somewhere else. And that’s all he did. I’m not saying it’s ok, I’m not saying it’s right, but I’m saying I understand where I lacked in out relationship and will not blame my failure in our relation on him. I do not justify what he’s doing because if it, but I will not only play victim.

I’m protected financially, I was more curious on what I should do. Thanks


Chloe Jeffreys March 18, 2015 at 10:54 am

Okay, I think i see more clearly where you are coming from. I admire your self honesty. So few people take any responsibility when their husband or wife has a mlc. Kudos to you for owning your part.

In answer to you original question, you can’t know the future. You can’t promise to always be what he needs or wants anymore than he can promise that to you. But until he’s all in and lets go of this other woman you’ll never know for sure. He’s trying to hedge his bets and that doesn’t work in love.

Love is this tremendous gamble that can send you to ecstacy or break your heart. And until he throws all his chips in the game I think your future with him is far from certain regardless of your behavior .

I hope that helps.

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Becky Palmer February 23, 2015 at 10:01 am

Well I feel like I have been blind sided by my husband’s midlife crisis. Went with him to buy a Harley just so he could ride his new girlfriend on it. Thought I was doing all the right things and it all blew up in my face. I was giving him plenty of crazy sex also. Found out later he was already involved with a younger woman at work. He moved out and moved her in his new place within 3 weeks. He still is telling me to give this some time and let it run its course and we will see what happens. We have sold our home and he is living with her while I’m staying with family waiting on an apartment. Should I wait on him with this and believe what he is saying about time and running its course? I never distrusted him at all until this midlife stuff. He was loyal and a good husband til a few months ago. Now my life is upside down.


Chloe Jeffreys February 25, 2015 at 1:33 am

Well, Becky, this is just shitty behavior all the way around. I’m disgusted for you! As far as what you should do? Well, that’s a quandary.

If you are at all leaning towards staying then I recommend checking out Anne Brecht’s book, “My Husband’s Affair is the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me.” Anne stayed the course and won her marriage back, and I do think some of her advice could be helpful in the right situation. But it isn’t for everyone. Only you will know if this is something that resonates for you. It seems odd that he’s telling you this will blow over. I’d be very suspicious too!

All I can recommend for sure is that you do whatever you can to protect your assets. Things could blow up in an instant if he gets his new girlfriend pregnant, or suddenly decides he’s madly in love with her. You need to protect your future above all.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I wish I had something more concrete. It seems that a few marriages do survive this, but many do not once it has reached this point. Please let me know what you decide. I do care.


Don Dressel February 8, 2015 at 12:28 am

Everyone here is talking about a husbands mid-life crisis but what about if your wife is having a mid-life crisis? Chloe I wrote to you in the past about issues I have had with my wife and her mid-life crisis. I found out that my wife got caught up in a romance scam and lost quite a bit of money. If it was our money I would be gone by now. It was part of money her father left her.
I forgave her as I had issues and realized she had gotten lonely and met the scammer online.
The issue I have now is that she has a big void in her and to fill it instead of coming to me she is chatting with men on chat room sites and although she has not met any of them she has told me it is only friendly and no sex talk or pictures are involved.
I am in good shape as I work out almost everyday and have never had a problem meeting women as I consider myself good looking. My wife tells me I have done a 180 turn around and I am very handsome! I told her why then do you need to talk to all these other guys? They are all around 40 and she is 59 but telling them she is 43. I told her she is goofy in doing so and is ruining our marriage!
Chloe do you think I am over reacting? I told her this whole thing is taking away from us and I am losing my patience! What are your thoughts on all of this?


Chloe Jeffreys February 8, 2015 at 12:33 pm

Don, honey, forgive, but don’t forget. I fear that this woman is going to destroy you. She’s not ruining your marriage. She’s already ruined it. You both need to go to couples’ counseling asap. It’s not okay that she’s talking to guys in chat rooms. She has a problem and forgiving her alone will not be enough to fix it.


Don February 8, 2015 at 10:45 pm

Thank you Chloe for your response! Yes I am well aware of what she has done and I am also aware that if I stay with her I will become an emotional wreck! I have told her I am miserable in our relationship and I want to sell our house and move to my other home that I own by myself.
It makes me sad that she would throw away 24 years away for a bunch of idiots that are on chat rooms. I wish she would wake up but I am afraid it is to late for that! I hope to meet a decent woman in the future to share my retirement years with but I will spend some time with myself and my little jack russell Winston and of course my Z06 2016 corvette!


Don Dressel February 10, 2015 at 4:49 am

Again Chloe thank you for your replies! I am sitting in bed unable to sleep because I am emotionally empty inside!
I keep on wondering what I did to my wife to deserve this kind of treatment?! I have never cheated on her always bought her nice cards and flowers and took her out to nice places. I would never do to her what she has done to me!
I have now come to the realization that we need to sell our home and I need to move to Arizona to my home there with my little jack Russell Winston and my collie Shelby.
I will miss my other 2 dogs that are hers and my home I worked so hard to make a nice place for us.
I keep on asking myself why my wife is destroying everything we have worked so hard for at 59 years of age? Isn’t this the time we are suppose to enjoy our retirement? I work out almost everyday and keep myself in good shape I don’t cheat and I am not a drunk I don’t hit her and I tell her how beautiful she is so why is this happening can someone tell me why?!


Denise levett April 19, 2015 at 7:30 pm

To: Mr. Dressel, I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart for what you are going through, I understand because I am going through the same thing with my husband too. It’s funny how people can break a heart, and play with a mind and think nothing of it but, really these kind of people we shared our whole life with, and thought we knew them; people like your wife and my husband they are the ones whom really do need a renewing of the heart and mind because in the Bible the creator has written, I will renew your heart and mind and also add this, out of the mouth speak the heart – meaning what lies within will reveal it’s self. So I come to find listening to a person words but, also watch their action – the things they do and how they respond to others as well as to you. The enemy is busy working day and night to break us and bring us down; remember the people whom are close to us are the ones that can hurt us the most, and it can take a while for the enemy to penetrate us through someone we really love. but I know no one loves us more then the creator himself , and he said I am breaking it down in my words now – treat others the way you want to be treated. So let us learn take control of our heart and not just give it to anyone because the past can only hold things together for a while. What do we have to offer each other today? Is the love real , is he or she trust worthy with our heart will we have peace and joy with this person.


Don April 19, 2015 at 9:55 pm

Thank you for your wonderful reply!
Yes it has been hard for me. The person I have spent 24 years with and had my hopes and dreams with has destroyed everything through her texting all these men and having fantasies with.
She tells me my head is screwed up will no wonder after what she has done to me! We are selling our home and I am buying a home by myself on Phoenix and taking my two dogs with me.
I look in the mirror and ask why?
I am good looking at least that’s what I have been told and I keep myself in great shape as I work out 5 days a week and I keep on asking God what I did wrong to deserve such treatment from someone that I have been faithful to and cherished?
My friends who include women have told me she will be sorry! Even as I write this she is upstairs on her phone texting all these guys and the dogs are not fed and she is not eating dinner with me.
There has got to be a decent woman out there that’s wants a faithful man!
Thank you again
Sincerely Don

Sue July 3, 2015 at 11:51 pm

She does not deserve you ,she will be sorry soon but don’t take her back and good luck


Don Dressel July 4, 2015 at 4:30 am

Hi Sue thank you for your reply
No I am not taking her back she is coming home after being gone for 2 months and I have already filed for divorce
I have my home almost ready for sale and have started dating but nothing serious at this time
I want to be fair to the women I date.
I am a one woman man and hope to meet a decent woman that I can spend the rest of my life with
Take care Don

UP February 7, 2015 at 5:37 pm

I just don’t have time for a mid-life crisis, the daily crises of life are quite enough, thank you!

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Chloe Jeffreys February 8, 2015 at 12:37 pm

No shit, huh? Exactly right. Each day has enough crap in it without falling utterly apart over.


Ana February 7, 2015 at 4:56 pm

My husband is going through his mlc. He is turning 40 this year. A couple of years ago he bought a motorcycle saying it would save money but we are still paying it off. His job took a downhill last March and he got very depressed and would yell a lot. He was also diagnosed with tbi. A week ago or so out of the blue he tells me he is going to get a tattoo. He never was interested in getting one and never liked them much. Now yesterday he finally got one. A couple of months ago out of the blue he bought himself a guitar and is teaching himself how to play. This change is happening so quickly and he expects me to accept everything he does and says. A couple of weeks ago he told me all of a sudden that he has the urge to sleep with other women. That was a punch in the stomach to say the least. He doesn’t seem to understand how hurtful it all is. He seems to only think about himself and if you say something on that subject he gets frustrated and tells me I don’t understand him. He wants me to accept it and that’s it. He is in San Antonio for a few days now on business and is meeting a different woman every evening. He told me he doesn’t sleep with them but enjoys the company and especially if they tell him how nice he is and that he looks good. I asked him if it doesn’t mean anything to him when I tell him that and that I love him and he said it means a lot but he needs to hear it from other women. He feels like he missed out on things according to him. I know that if he meets the right one who is looking for sex over there he will have a one night stand since that is his urge right now. He does want to go to counseling but when I say to him that I think he is going through a mlc he says that mlc wouldn’t make him want to sleep with lots of other women. He wants to make our marriage work but doesn’t think that a marriage counselor will “fix” his urge. It is all very hurtful and disheartening and I am planning on going to more of his hobby events which I hardly ever did because it never interested me and I know that always annoyed him that I wouldn’t join him. I want to show him that I am there for him. We have two boys and they have noticed the change as well and it makes them sad at times. He seems to get bored with everything very quickly as well unless he is chatting with other women. It is like he needs and wants that attention to make himself feel good. It’s like he is bored with his life and is seeking adventure no matter if that adventure is good or bad.


Chloe Jeffreys February 8, 2015 at 12:56 pm

So, yeah, I think you’ve diagnosed this one correctly. Sounds like classic MLC to me. And he’s in denial.

I can see why the motorcycle and the guitar and the tattoo were merely annoying to you and why you reacted the way you did. That’s how I treated the karaoke thing. Eye-rolling and heavy sighing and passing it off as a passing fancy. They were red flags that most women miss because they are too busy getting the kids to school, or working, or just hoping it’ll all go away. But your husband has raised the stakes.

Meeting other women in bars while out of town and telling you he wants to sleep with other women is not just a red flag. That is a parade down Main Street! You have to take this very, very seriously or you are going to lose your marriage. I’m not even kidding.

So, you have several options. First, you have to decide whether or not you want to save your marriage? If so, it is far too late to start going to his hobbies. You’ve missed that boat. It’s okay. I missed that boat too. Many women do because we’re awfully busy holding the family together while our husbands go off the freaking deep end. But you are going to have to show up at the parade if you want to pull this guy back from his mlc.

I don’t believe for a minute that he’s not already slept with other women. He might even already have another woman he thinks he’s all in love with. Maybe he hasn’t, but I’ve known far too many woman now who’ve been through this not to be highly suspicious. You can’t have unprotected sex with him anymore. Not until you guys get through this and he comes up clean in confirmed lab tests that you see with your own eyes from the doctor.

You need couple’s counseling yesterday. Don’t wait another minute. Make an appointment tomorrow for as soon as he gets home. Don’t go with an agenda. Counseling is NOT to keep him from sleeping with other women (see above paragraph). You are going to counseling to figure out if your marriage can be saved, and whether you want to save it.

All the balls are NOT in his court. You have serious decisions to make about your life that will impact your future and the future of your children. You cannot afford to stick your head in the sand for one more minute. You need to protect your health and your finances as soon as possible.

Let me know what happens. I do care.


Annon March 12, 2015 at 2:32 pm

He needs to realize how much you mean to him. Convince him that he is going to lose you. Check youtube, search for “mid Life Marriage Meltdown 11 17 2013”. It accidentally worked for her, and there are many similar anecdotes where the mlc wakes up once his wife files for divorce. But careful, it sometimes work, others it backfires, so do it safely.


Chloe Jeffreys March 18, 2015 at 12:43 am

I must agree that sometimes definitive action does jolt the man into reality. I also cannot agree more that a woman in this situation needs to act to protect her assets. A man in the throes of a midlife crisis, especially if another woman is involved, cannot be trust. Ive seen too many times too many friends end up totally screwed financially.


Dena January 10, 2015 at 8:29 pm

I think my husband is going through a MLC. He wanted to spend New Years with a family from my daughter’s school. I can’t hardly go anywhere because I shattered my ankle in August. I’m still not weight bearing. New Years day he said he needed space before he starts to hate me. Then said if I didn’t go to my mom’s for a while he’d get an apartment. We have an 9 yr old and an 18 month old. He’s always been such a good dad, so involved. I can’t believe me and the baby are being pushed out. I’m currently staying with my mom because I don’t know what to do. He said one of our problems was because he wants to hang out with this other family (parents at my daughter’s school) but I don’t want to. I’m hurt that he would say that and force me to friend this woman. She’s a bully and blatantly ignored me during my entire pregnancy. I’ve watched her do it to others as well. She’s a very mean woman. All he could ask is what did I do to her. :/ I’ve never been so hurt or confused.


Jo Ann January 30, 2015 at 1:20 pm

You should not move, nor should your children! If he wants space, tell him to move! Remind him that he’s the one walking away, and let your 9 year old know that he’s going through a mid-life crisis, and hopefully it won’t be long before he’s back. Family is suppose to be first. Why hasn’t he invited this “so called family” over to your house and he host the party?


Chloe Jeffreys February 8, 2015 at 1:21 pm

Jo Ann, you are right on the money. He needs to be the one who moves!


Rose December 23, 2014 at 7:11 pm

My husband is 62 and suddenly went back to being and alcoholic.I’ve been married for 38yrs to him .He lies cheated on me drinks hides it does drugs all of which I’ve found out in the last seven months.When we were first married out came his alcohol.I left after 17 years of abuse my kids were young then I had just had a baby.Iam now 59 my kids are grown gone.He is abusive again lies about everything.I have kicked him out he won’t go.I love him but I beleve I hate him also.I have no where to go was always a stay @ home mom.I have tried to very hard to forgive him but I can’t anymore.Why do I stay afraid I guess.I’ve been hit he says terrible things now I find my self yelling back.it’s wrong I know butiam angry hurt disappointed in him I should of never come back I was stupid.. Midlife crisis I thought maybe or just a creep who will never admit it cherrise me respect me is a failure and takes it out on me.tonight again I found his drugs his hiden booze bottles.Iam a fool I believed for 38 long yrs.Now iam older deppresed and truly wish I was dead!Fool for love never again I pray he will die to be rid of him merry Christmas thanks for listen more tears for me


Jo Ann January 30, 2015 at 1:24 pm

Join a church group, and go out, have fun, go to outings with them! You need fun! I joined a water fitness and yoga class myself. Stop living your life for him and his drugs, his alcohol, his lies…..it’s all about him! Now it should be about you! Let him do his thing, while you go out and have the time of your life, with or without him!


Chloe Jeffreys February 8, 2015 at 1:20 pm


At some point you have to decide to live your own life and stop trying to fix him. Women keep getting terrible advice from magazines and books that if they do this or that then they can fix their marriage or their man. It’s all a lie. There’s thing you can do to improve your marriage, but you can’t fix another person, especially a person who isn’t involved in fixing themselves!


Samyra December 18, 2014 at 6:33 am

My 40 year old husband told me a few months ago that he thinks he wants kids. I’m 49 and never wanted them and neither did he (or so I thought). I’ve been watching the obvious signs of MLC for a while. I know there’s nothing I can do for him except give him his space. He may be having an affair but I’m philosophical about it. I know it has nothing to do with me. What I know for sure, is that his problem is a mental illness. If he chooses not to seek professional help, I can’t help him. What has worked for me is to show him that understand he’s hurting but I take care of myself and mentally plan for a future without him. If he chooses to leave, I’ll be ok but he won’t. It makes me sad but this battle isn’t mine to fight. Planning is key to my success. Wallowing in self pity only confirms to him that he made the right decision by making rash choices. In the meantime, talk to your trusted girlfriends or pay for a therapist. Whatever you do, just know that he’s sick and you’re not. And if he does realize he was a fool, you’ll be in the best mental and financial position to decide whether or not you even want him in your life. Fear of the unknown is scary, but a real look at what you actually have can be far worse. Good luck to all of my sisters out there in the struggle to come out on top and to be happy.


Angie January 17, 2015 at 9:37 pm

Thank you so much for your wise words. I really needed to read something that tells me I am not the only one going through this with my spouse. Hope all is well with you.


kathy December 13, 2014 at 7:22 pm

hi!My husband has been losing weight , no carbs for quiet a while. Getting worse, since his brother left his wife after 30 years. It seems they are in weight loss compation. His brother was over weight while my husband has never had an issue with weight. since his brother left his family my husband says he is not happy. I work take care of the home , pay the bills and take care at a barn where I keep my horse. He goes to work and works out, That is it! The cars were a year over due for inspection! He can not get his shit together!Help! How long do I have to do this? Theropy was a joke! The theropist and my husband talked about hunting! Im pretty much over this at this point. Nothing matters to him but him! Our daughter had brain cancer and came out well, our son is doing well in college with a 4. average. What does he WANT?


Jo Ann January 30, 2015 at 1:30 pm

Tell him that when he turns sideways, he disappears! Tell him that he is losing his sexy muscle mass! Seriously, men do get anorexia nervosa! Good luck.


Rhonda November 22, 2014 at 7:46 pm

My husband is in the midst of a midlife crisis and it stinks!!!!
We were together 8 yrs before marriage and have now been married 3 yrs.
It all started shortly after I got diagnosed with breast cancer (just about a month before our 1 yr wedding anniversary). I started chemo, lost my hair, gained back all the weight I had lost (due to steroids and lack of exercise). I started noticing little changes at first, but didn’t think too much about it (as I was trying to just survive the chemo).
After chemo, I started confronting him about things and he totally shut down, started yoga, became a yoga instructor, stopped going to church or anywhere with me, began hanging out with a group of younger yoga people, etc. He said he did not have an affair (and even told this to the counselor). There are more ways to have an affair than just sexual. I believe he had some type of emotional affair. I don’t know about sexual, though.
We have been to a counselor (I by myself for quite some time), but he says he doesn’t think it will help.
He says he doesn’t know what is wrong with him, etc.
I finally got to the point where I asked him to move out, because I was tired of just living like roommates, etc.
He moved out in Dec. 2013 and still doesn’t know what he is doing. His head is so far gone into YOGA (which I hate), that it is ridiculous.
I did tell him that if he wanted to end the marriage, he would have to file for divorce and tell me verbally. I want to hear it from his lips.
We shall see!
I do hope and pray he comes to his senses!


kathy December 13, 2014 at 7:33 pm

Im sorry for you, once they go to that fitness crap , They can b so self centered. You stay strong! My daughter had cancer and got to 5 years clean this October. I wish you the best and he is lucky to have a strong women like you. I will say a prayer for you thru this tuff time


Jo Ann January 30, 2015 at 1:54 pm

Stage 3 breast cancer survivor here. Diagnosed in June 2013, 5 months of chemo, 5 weeks of 180 rads daily of radiation. 3 major surgeries (2 to get all of the cancer, 4 weeks apart!) Now I’m starting to heal. I lost all of my hair, and it is so thin now I still look bald. Hormone meds to block hormones and block cancer from coming back are contributing to my extremely thin hair. BTW, my husband is bald on top! His baldness has never affected me or my feelings toward him, but it’s devastated him.

One of my Oncologists first statements to us upon our first meeting was that most couple’s can and do often end up in a divorce when the wife must endure what I’ve been through. What does my husband tell me last night? He states “Today at work, I asked a woman” hypothetically speaking, if I were to ask you out, what would your reaction be”. He stated that she said ” I don’t know, I would have to think about that for a while” Well, I slammed him for telling me such a story, and while I was driving! He laughed and said he was only kidding. I do not believe he was kidding. Men are boys. They all have a penis and the penis leads their way. By the way, if I am lucky enough to survive this cancer, frozen shoulder, and lymphedema in my right arm, amongst other serious health problems, I will have to deal with his dementia and alzheimer’s disease in 10 years. He’s showing many signs of it, and his father has it so badly, he was put into a home 3 years ago at 72 years old. Thank God for their family that he was a veteran! I told my husband, I’m not too old to leave him, and I will in a flash if he cheats. He can then see if his potential fling will care for him in his old age! UGH. he’s 60, and having extreme stress seeing his aging parents and what is happening to them. He keeps saying he’s only 10 years away from it! He spends all his free time with me, so I am not too concerned yet. But why would he say such a thing to me? I asked him that question and he admitted because he was just being a jerk. I reminded him this morning that I am still hurt by it and he asked me to give him a break, and that he’s always been there for me. Tonight, he said he’s taking me to see a movie. I will do my best to stay awake, and alert, to protect my interests. I was a child bride and we’ve been married for 39 years!


Chloe Jeffreys February 8, 2015 at 1:19 pm

Oh, I am so sorry about your health situation! That’s just awful.

I don’t know why your husband told you that but “just kidding’ is not the reason. Please do what you can to protect your finances. From what you’ve said here I think you need to be thinking about what your life will look like without him. It might not go that way, but I want you to be safe and prepared. Do you have your own bank accounts? Could he empty your joint account? Protect yourself financially so that whatever he does next will not destroy you financially. Take care. And let me know what you do. I care!


Steve November 15, 2014 at 7:00 am

I think I am at the beginning of a MLC. I am 49 and have had this pervasive restlessness and boredom. I am in pretty good shape and look more like I am in my mid-late 30s. I have a successful career as a software engineer and make good money. I recently changed jobs but my career doesn’t excite me anymore like it used to. The thing that made me wonder if I was entering one is over the past year I have been planning on taking guitar lessons, judo or kickboxing, and today I am taking my 12 year old daughter to buy us ice skates, lol. My wife has ptsd from childhood trauma, is in menopause, and we don’t have sex or talk much anymore. The lack of sex and intimacy is taking its toll on our marriage. It is like she’s a roommate more than a partner. All I do is listen to her complain and when she drinks she gets passive aggressive and takes little shots at me. It makes me just get up and walk away from her. She doesn’t want to talk or communicate, she just isolates herself. We have tried counseling but she never sticks with it. I am bored with her even though I find her, physically, incredibly desirable. I am pretty sure she loves me because once in a blue moon she texts me (for whatever reason texting is how we communicate, even when we are both at home) and tells me how much she loves me and is thankful she has me, but her actions just don’t reflect it. The lack of sex probably drives me the craziest though. I am amped up all the time, more than I ever was, but I am lucky if it happens once every two months. Your also right about women at work. Some of them are very predatory. One offered to make me cheesecake the other day, just for doing my job. For me, things would be different if my wife would put an effort into being sexy for me like she used to do. I don’t mean putting on makeup and looking good, I mean just out of the blue coming on to me and acting sexy, and then doing something about it! I don’t think she feels good about her body but I have told her time and time again I find her the sexiest women I have ever met (and I do). I don’t get her. I know her ptsd has a lot to do with it and I really do empathize with that, but sometimes I really just want to move on…


bree January 3, 2015 at 11:29 pm

Steve she might not know she is acting the way she is , she might be drinking cause she too is lonely are you sure your being open , if you find her hot make the move on her , she might have body issues if your not talking to her you cant just jump her bones . ask her tell her what you need she cant read your mind , same thing happened to me i was stressed to the max with the kids and didnt see i was not paying attention to my husband until it was to late . Good Luck 🙂


Jo Ann January 30, 2015 at 2:01 pm

Try some romance! Really! When was the last time you spontaneously grabbed her in public and planted a heavy kiss on to her lips for all the world to see? When was the last time you took her hand, and went for a walk with her, or put your arm around her and took her for a walk? Do you ever grab her hand and hold it while you’re in the car? Do you open the door for her? Buy her flowers? Take her to romantic places? I bet you have some homework to do now.


Jesenia Ng November 8, 2014 at 4:01 pm

I realized my husband, now ex-husband was going through early mid life crisis a lisho to late. Instead of working with his needs I chose to do the opposite and think of him not being there and supporting me with my career. So we decide to take a break and then to find out that has been an affair with a much younger woman and an extremely ugly one at that. He blamed broken marriage on me. Stop communicating with me and the kids. He was a complete different person. He turn so ugly, thinking about himself and his new life. Well to make along story short it will be two years and I’m wondering if this person that I loved and respect. Was an amazing dad, will ever snap out of it. What hurts me that he never said sorry to me for what he did. He had completely shot me out of his life. Now he makes a small effort in trying to see luge children.


Mary November 2, 2014 at 9:32 am

Well, it turns out the reason for the midlife is another woman. I have some major decisions to make now. Wish me luck!


Jo Ann January 30, 2015 at 2:15 pm

Do you want to stay with him? Or are you happy to have him out of your life? If you want to stay with him, show interests in everything he say’s and does. Be with him as much as possible. Laugh at his jokes, no matter how corny they are. Always respect him, and admire him, and compliment him. Listen to him when he talks. Look him in the eyes. When sitting in a restaurant, always make him face the wall so that he has only your eyes to look at and not everyone else in the restaurant. Do some spontaneous surprises for him. Greet him at the door with just a long trench coat on and nothing else. Wine, Candles, Steak dinner, Soft Music……..If you’re not worried about him leaving, then join some groups and go to outings. Have fun and enjoy life!


Mary November 1, 2014 at 2:32 pm

I just read this article after having a 3 hour conversation with my husband. He is tired of “life” and he isn’t attracted to me like he used to be and I could go on and on. He just switched jobs and ever since this switch he has been extremely distant. I though he was having an affair and I am trying my best to give him the benefit of the doubt. He said once his insurance kicks in he will get help and go speak with someone. I feel like I have been punched in the stomach (several times) today. I haven’t eaten, I want to just sit here and cry and I came across your article. I appreciate the advise. I hope to make it through this with a husband, but if not….I am strong, beautiful and have a great job. He will not define me.


Jo Ann January 30, 2015 at 2:18 pm

Beware, depression is often contagious. Stay strong!


bill April 8, 2015 at 1:28 pm

anybody that is depressed is someone to stay away from, because the anxiety and mood swings become impenetrable. I love my wife but she is in the gauntlet almost every day. Pills, doctors, ups and downs; a plan or two to leave the mortal state. I keep hanging in there, but it IS the GAUNTLET for the others that have to be around them


dawn October 28, 2014 at 8:54 pm

Husband going through this and trying my best to understand it but honestly, it’s taking its toll not only on our relationship, but me! Appreciate you sharing ur first hand experience and suggestions! Not much out there for the wives but to say, “go with the flow” basically…but it’s not that easy when u see the one you love turn into someone you don’t know! When you go from best friends to strangers! When you have all the confidence in the world when ur around him to complete apprehension when ur in the same room. The not-knowing what the future will hold is the hardest part after almost 20 years of marriage and together almost 30–more than 3/4 of my life as we were middle school sweethearts. I try to be sympathetic and understanding but I’m hurt and angry and honestly lost trust in him! One perk (thanks to you) I ordered Hope Springs off Amazon tonight and we watched it…I’ve pressed the issue of counseling so hopefully, this will help him finally take that step! Thank you!


Tee October 19, 2014 at 3:23 am

I will not make any more allowances for my partner. I do everything for him. He works for 4-5 days away from home and then is at home 4-5 days. In the time that he is home all he does is plays his playstation. He ignores the kids and me but when he doesn’t play he expects me to sit with him. He does nothing around the house anymore. He wants to get a Harley but I will not allow him to get us further in debt because he can’t handle getting old. With savings money he will buy beer and games for his ps4 or anything that makes his gaming experience better. When I want something he we don’t have the money for it, so if I want something I have to buy it out of my shopping budget (and I’m talking $20 here and there) and then he gets angry I spent the shopping money. I don’t drink or smoke. I was going to the gym but he likes to bring it up in arguments like instead of going to the gym why don’t I mow the lawn. I go nowhere but he goes to his mates house only every now and then and expects me to drag our kids or of bed on a school night at some godless hour to pick him up.
He takes time off work and spends hundreds of dollars to go to his brothers wedding (who he doesn’t even like) but doesn’t want to take 1 day off work to see our daughters dance concert.
Just this year alone I had a hysterectomy for cervical cancer and a double eye operation. Each time he was pissed off for having to help me. He took time off work and acted like he cared but really used it as an excuse to sit and play his games.
He has no empathy for anyone at all. He disregards people who do not serve a purpose.
He truly has become a narcisstic wanker.
I’m not into managing him anymore. Enough of pandering to his crap.
I’ve always been respectful. Grateful of his providing and I always tell him that. If we argue I always accept 50% blame (but he attributes 98% to me). I’ve stood by him and supported him through tough times. And all I get in return is treated like crap.
I’m only biding my time. When I can save some money I’m leaving.
I will never accept MLC as an excuse to treat myself and my kids like crap.
I’ve been through so much myself. I have lupus on top of everything else but I never treat him like shit.
So these men need to man up and stop being assholes.


Tee October 19, 2014 at 3:26 am

I don’t mean to lump all men in that category. Woman can be bitches.


Jen April 26, 2015 at 4:40 am

Tee, you are awesome. I so needed to hear someone say this.


Marriage Recovery September 21, 2014 at 7:53 pm

I had to learn these steps the really hard way. It frustrates me now when I see or hear of anyone resistant to counseling and cheer those who take the plunge. It’s expensive yes, but losing a marriage is way more expensive.
Counseling too will no doubt make things feel a lot harder for awhile – your spouse may be having the MLC but you are now in crisis too and you both have stuff.
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Don September 22, 2014 at 1:35 am

What about women and mid-life crisis? I have always been there for my wife when she had her knee replaced when her mom died and I could go on and on! She recently got caught up in a romance scam because she said I was not there for her because I was depressed about my dad dying and in the er with my back going out on me! I was hooked on pain killers and zoned out so she got lonely! I helped get her disability pension sold my house so she could own one just negotiated a nice settlement with an insurance company for her. I bought her red roses and a nice card so when she came home she would have less stress on her. She was sexting with a scammer thinking he was a 40 year old guy she is 58 close to 59! Most men would have kicked her ass out but me loving her and having empathy for her gave her roses and a nice card! She told me I was nosy and stuck my nose where I should not have! I told her sorry for caring! Now she tells me she is tired of my drama because of my back and my dad and I told her sorry she had to take me to the ER on easter for my back and sorry my dad is dying! I know she is not sorry for the 250.00 check my parents give her every christmas! She wins bitch of the decade! I told her we will fix up the front yard on the house and sell it in april next year and go our separate ways!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOOD LUCK TO THE NEXT GUY HE IS GOING TO NEED IT! NOW I KNOW WHY ALL HER EX-BOYFRIENDS CHEATED ON HER AND ONLY LASTED 1-2 YEARS!


sandra September 11, 2014 at 2:24 am

my husband is going through this now and it all came to light after I discovered his affair which he has now stopped. He says he lives me and has a life to be proud of, great family, top job, nice car and good friends so he can’t understànd why he isn’t always happy. He left a week ago after I couldn’t cope and came back saying he felt happier because he missed me but he still doesn’t know how he feels. I’m at a complete loss what to do and it’s killing me. I try not to go on about it but I can’t help myself. Our sex life is better than it always has been and that is a time we are really comfortable around each other. I decided today to stop going on to him about it because I know it is destructive to us both but it’s still eating me up inside.


Chloe Jeffreys September 11, 2014 at 1:08 pm

Oh Sandra. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I think part of the problem is the expectation that having a lot of life’s desirable assets (job, family, car, etc) means a person will always be happy. As a person who does believe in happiness for the most part, I think this concept is unhealthy. We can be happy as hell, and yet still sad that life is finite, and along with that goes things like deterioration, disease, infirmity, and ultimately death. These are the realizations of middle age. No matter how good we have it there is a grieving of the life, or lives, we’ll never have time to live.

Now is the part where you have to take care of YOU. Having your contentment resting on his behavior and how he feels is building a house on a sandy shore, to say the least. Of course, when you’re married your fate is intrinsically linked to your spouse’s. But it isn’t good for you to be held hostage emotionally this way. I hope you can find some peace. The best way I know how to do that is to seek something so interesting and fulfilling that you aren’t spending all of your time worrying over him and his needs. That and heavy exercise have helped me tremendously. Take care of yourself. I’m here if you need a shoulder to cry on.


sandra September 11, 2014 at 2:58 pm

Thank you. I did write a long reply but somehow deleted it and can’t find the heart to write it again tonight. I’m trying hard and will continue to for now x


Don Dressel August 11, 2014 at 1:03 am

What about women? Do they not go through somewhat of a mid-life crisis? My wife seems to be going through something close to one but when she realized how much I love her and through what I wrote from the bottom of my heart she has drawn closer to me. I have changed my ways by doing more with her and exercise regularly and I look much better. She still has issue’s and I have told her I would always be there for her and have given her space!


Chloe Jeffreys August 13, 2014 at 10:06 am

Women most definitely can and do have midlife crisis. It’s usually lumped under the menopause label though, and blamed on hormonal imbalances. I don’t think menopause is a hormonal imbalance. It’s a fact of life, not a medical crisis. What it does mean though is that estrogen wanes. Estrogen is the bonding hormone. It’s what helps women put up with crap from their mates so their children won’t starve. But once this hormone fades, and the children leave the nest, suddenly all the years of tolerated crap comes into perspective. Men, like yourself, who up their game, are likely to find their wives want them again. Men who decide not to become better mates might find themselves in divorce court, often baffled on how they got there.

Good for you that you loved your wife enough to listen to what she needed. That’s very encouraging to hear.


Don Dressel July 30, 2014 at 2:05 am

I myself have gone through somewhat of a midlife crisis but all I did was go out and buy a muscle car. My wife hates the car because it is red with black stripes and said it looks like a teenager should be driving it. My response was a teenager could not afford a 50 thousand dollar car! I also work out everyday but only to look better and have better sex with her. Her response I do not know if I am still in love with you but I do love you but I AM NOT HAPPY! Women I will never figure them out!


Chloe Jeffreys August 13, 2014 at 10:32 am

I told my husband that I’ll never tease him if he buys a midlife crisis car. Better a car than so many other things! It would be better than karaoke.


Don Dressel August 13, 2014 at 6:24 pm

Yes as people have told my wife she is lucky It was a muscle car and not a 35 year old woman!


concerned July 8, 2014 at 7:50 am

I am still trying to cope with my husband’s midlife crisis. I did all the wrong things at first. Sometimes I still think I am doing wrong. He is hurting me and my children every day. He stays gone all the time not coming home until 1130 -12 during the week doing what ever he wants. He goes out every weekend drinking with friends sometimes so drunk his friends drive him home or he doesn’t come home. He gave me the line I love u but I’m not in love with u anymore. I know he loves our kids but he is constantly pushing them away. The only time he sees them is in the morning before he goes to work. I’m so hurt and tired I just don’t know what to do. I am completely miserable. He has looked for places to stay but hasn’t left yet. I have been in therapy ever since this all started and of course he will not go with me. I’m on anti depressants now also. I feel like I’m just dying inside. The man i fell in love with and married is no longer the man that I’m living with. I feel like I’m living with a complete stranger. He pushes me away every day. Not interested in me what so ever. He almost acts like I disgust him sometimes. Caught him on the Internet talking to a female which ended up a scam. I think he is still talking to her or someone else. His best friend died 2 yrs ago which I think was the trigger to all of this. Because he said to me I don’t want to die unhappy. I just don’t know what else to do. Do I keep living this unhappy life with him forever until he leaves or snaps out of it? Or do I just make him leave. I would appreciate any advise from anyone. Thanks so much.


Don Dressel July 30, 2014 at 2:17 am

Your husband needs to grow up! Sit him down and and ask him what the hell is going on? I sat my wife down asked her to be honest with me and said is there anyone else? Her reply was no and then I told her if she was unhappy we could sell the home and go our own way again she said no. Now that I work out everyday I have lost 30 pounds and have toned up. She has seemed to get better. If I you I would sit him down and tell him how you feel then put an ultimatum on him. You and your kids deserve better and do you really want to live like this? Join a gym and work on yourself and he will notice I promise you!


D. A. Wolf May 29, 2014 at 1:57 pm

There are many excellent points here, Chloe. (And yes, I’m chuckling at competitive karaoke.) I would add that this can occur to lesser degrees and multiple times – as in smaller ‘eruptions’ that express the fear of aging, job dissatisfaction, a sort of restless boredom in which your relationship may be going along (bumpily) for the ride.

All the more reason that paying attention to what your husband/partner is going through and communicating (rather than avoiding) is important.

And thank you for the link love!
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Chloe Jeffreys May 31, 2014 at 7:31 am

Hey DA, thanks for commenting.

Communication is always so critically important. And sometimes so hard. I know I’ve been guilty of attempting to ignore the elephant hoping that it would just go away. It never does, does it?
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Dr. Margaret Rutherford May 29, 2014 at 4:29 am

Chloe, I couldn’t help but comment on a strong point you make in this post. I have always said I can do marital therapy with one person in the room! The other gets kinda curious about the changes the other is making or the relationship will symptomatically change because one person is altering their behavior. I really agree with you and am glad you have made this point so clear. Thanks for a great post and one that is using what sounds like you learned the hard way to wonderful use.
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Chloe Jeffreys May 29, 2014 at 9:06 pm

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the matter. Sometimes we can’t wait for the other person to be ready to grow. We might be the only one in the relationship who is feeling the growing pains, or who realizes the flower pot is about the burst. Too often I’ve seen women say they can’t go because their husbands won’t go. But eventually the wife gives up and decided to divorce. And then suddenly the man is all wanting to go to counseling. But the woman’s love is dead by then. Don’t wait until he’s ready. Just go. And make it clear that you want counseling because you care so much about your relationship.


KymberlyFunFit May 28, 2014 at 12:02 am

Fortunatley my hubster never went through a midlife crisis. Hmm, maybe he still has that coupon and plans to redeem it. Still, I loved your post and how cleverly you wrote it. Great structure, transitions, content, tone. Babe – ya got it all! Gotta run now to prep for my competitive karaoke.
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Tammy May 27, 2014 at 9:48 am

Chloe, so right on. In a sad on point kind of way. Too bad that it happens but best not to pretend that it doesn’t. Karaoke? It could be worse, girl. I never dealt with a mid life crisis during my 29 year marriage. But it sure happened a few years after the divorce. Fast cars, young Russian girls, expensive toys and a hair piece. It’s his life, his choice and I’m happy to be free of it. However, if the marriage had lasted, I wouldn’t have had a problem with any of it, except the young girls, of course. We are both much happier now. Silver linings!
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Brenda May 26, 2014 at 10:16 pm

I chose to embrace his new love of scuba diving by getting certified myself. And I’m doing a vertical dance class for ME that he gets to reap the benefits of a fitter and more confident wife. Getting my groove back has been one of the great benefits of being friends with you, Chloe.


Chloe Jeffreys May 26, 2014 at 10:31 pm

I’m always glad to support a sister in arms, Brenda. You’ve been such a HUGE encourager to me over these many years. So trust me, it goes both way!
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Courtney July 7, 2016 at 9:13 am

I am going through what seems like the most painful heartache because of my husband’s now mid life crisis. We celebrated 27 years of marriage two weeks ago, but last weekend I discovered some unusual and revealing things and had a bad conversation with my husband. All he could say is he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. He has no sexual desire and often wants to walk away from it all. Nothing’s been the same since and he is not loving towards me like he was before. I am sad that this is happening to me or anyone else, but it helps to read the comments on this site. Thanks for sharing your pain and helping us share ours. Stay in prayer………………………………………
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Cliodhna Russell July 31, 2016 at 9:50 pm

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