I can hear you already.
“She’s leading all the nice Christian women astray! Again.”
No, I’m not.
I’m here to help a sister (and my brothers in Christ) out.
I could just as easily have titled this post, “Why I politely asked God if He could pretty please with a cherry on top just turn his back like a gentleman should so my husband and I could finally get it on in peace.” but that’s a little long for Twitter.
But if you need to read this post with the second title to make it copacetic for your particular brand of uptight theology in order to give yourself (and your spouse, I hope) permission to read it then that’s the title.
It makes no nevermind to me.
And I don’t think God cares either.
What Does God Have To Say About Sex in Marriage?
Scripture says (and I so rarely quote Scripture on my blog that I really think you ought to listen up):
Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge [emphasis mine]. Hebrews 13:4 KJV
God is saying here that all the married folks have His blessing to do whatever they want or need in bed and it won’t count against them at judgment time!
God and the Erotic
God invented sex. He knows all about it. Tab A? Slot B? He totally thunk those things up and created them so they’d get hard and wet and feel real good when bumped and grinded together.
There’s even an entire book of erotica in the Bible that you really ought to check out called Song of Solomon.
S0S is HOT with a capital H, and H stands for horny, which God fully expects you to be with the one you love. Don’t believe me?
- “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— for your love is more delightful than wine.” (1:2)
- “His fruit is sweet to my taste” (2:3).
and one of my personal favorites:
- “Let us go early to the vineyards to see if the vines have budded, if their blossoms have opened, and if the pomegranates are in bloom– there I will give you my love“ (7:12).
That last one is Bible-speak for, “Wanna go up to my room and see my sketches?”
Look, God already knows what you’re doing—or fantasizing about doing–anyway. The fact that you’re a dirty little girl (or a bad, bad boy) is no surprise to Him. Stop skulking around in the back of your mind like you’re fooling God. You aren’t.
When Did God Become My Peeping Tom?
Awhile back I wrote a post about being a teenager and masturbating in front of Jesus. Well, it wasn’t really Jesus, Jesus, it was just his picture that my mother had put up in my room to ward off rock-n-roll.
But I wasn’t fooled.
He was in there.
Looking out at me disapprovingly. Sadly shaking his head and tsk-tsking me.
And thus began my sexual relationship with God.
No matter what, I couldn’t get the Big Guy out of my head. Think a sexual thought, and there He was, giving me the stink eye.
So at this point you’re thinking, “What a bad girl, Chloe was. No wonder God let her dog die.”
No. You aren’t thinking that.
But you might be wondering right about now what my point here is.
I’m here to set you free in bed. And the way I’m going to do that is by telling you a story.
Are You and Your Husband Having a Three-Way with God?
“Good girls don’t [blank]”
Go ahead. Right now get a piece of paper and fill in the blank. If you are a good Christian woman I bet you can fill a page with all the things good girls don’t do. If you’re a really good Christian woman I bet you can’t even write down the words.
And now I want you to ask yourself, in light of Hebrews 13:4, where you got those crazy limitations?
‘Cause they aren’t from God.
In Hebrews 13:4, God has given us carte blanche to please and be pleased in bed “in all” ways by our spouses.
See, I used to not live in this place of sexual freedom with my husband. I used to be just as uptight as you. Maybe more so because my fantasies are probably dirtier than yours, and I already KNEW how disappointed God was in me. I didn’t even need the Church to chime in. But it did.
And boy did my bedroom become a crowded place.
Unlike the understanding Jesus in the picture above, the God in my mind was standing in the corner glowering at us, just waiting for some sin to happen.
Then there were the deacons leering out from under the covers keeping a watchful eye over the proceedings.
And, of course, all of my various Pastors were standing at the head of the bed like umpires making sure nothing too wild or crazy went on that might threaten my salvation.
And sitting all around in my head were all the good Christian women whispering, “A man who really loved you wouldn’t risk compromising your salvation by wanting THAT,” and, “Only a bad girl would want their husbands to do THAT, anyway!”
And I didn’t want to be a bad girl. I wanted to be a good Christian woman. Just like them.
So I wrapped all of this crazy sexual repression up in a big package that I labeled, “Loving God”.
In order to prove my love to God I needed to keep a lid on my passions and never let my fantasies free. I needed to keep them hidden even from myself!
My husband’s needs? I told myself I loved God more, setting up this hierarchy in my mind, and telling myself that I was putting God first.
So I didn’t think about sex during the day because Good Girls Don’t.
I didn’t read erotica that would help me get in the mood because Good Girls Don’t.
I didn’t masturbate (except when I absolutely had to) because Good Girls Don’t.
I didn’t do this or that sexual act my husband desired because Good Girls Don’t.
I didn’t wear sexy lingerie under my homeschool mom demin jumper because Good Girls Don’t.
And I most certainly didn’t tell my husband what I really wanted and needed in bed because Good Girls Can’t.
Good girls aren’t supposed to even know what they want in bed.
God is Love?
We Christians preach a God of love, but we don’t act like we believe in one. We behave like God is keeping score, and even when He says in His Word He isn’t, we’re sure He is. So, just in case, we reign ourselves in sexually, holding our whole selves back from the very person we shouldn’t.
When my husband and I went into our crucible in 2012 I faced a stark truth: I really loved myself much more than I loved him.
I had spent most of our marriage holding up a wall between us, sexually. I didn’t let him into my fantasy life, and I made him feel ashamed about his by rejecting him, denying him, and refusing to allow him the freedom to fully express his sexual self with me without fear of humiliation.
And then it dawned on me–barring death and another wife–I am the closest thing my husband will ever have to another human being who will love and accept him completely. He has no one else. And if I don’t want him to want anyone else then I need to be open to all aspects of our sexuality, even the parts that make me uncomfortable or scare me.
I needed to stop seeing my husband’s desires through the lens of my own prudish self-righteousness, and start treating him like he’s the most important human being in my life. Because he is.
And I needed to set myself free, too. The wall I’d been holding up to keep us safe was keeping us apart. The only way to get to each other completely was to take the wall down.
And my first step was to kindly ask God to please look the other way. I told Him I just can’t be myself in bed with Him staring at us. And since God’s not a perv, He totally understood.
The other night I was celebrating National Masturbation Month and I realized, “Hey, God’s not watching anymore.” After my celebration was over I called my husband and told him all about it. I never imagined marriage could be like this. It was a lot of work to get here, on both our parts, but I’m certain God approves.