Why I Kicked God Out of My Sex Life

by Chloe Jeffreys · 28 comments

in Sex, Love and Marriage

sexy lampshadeI’m sending this one out to all my Christian sisters.

I can hear you already.

“That Chloe!”

“She’s leading all the nice Christian women astray! Again.”

No, I’m not.

I’m here to help a sister (and my brothers in Christ) out.

I could just as easily have titled this post, “Why I politely asked God if He could pretty please with a cherry on top just turn his back like a gentleman should so my husband and I could finally get it on in peace.” but that’s a little long for Twitter.

But if you need to read this post with the second title to make it copacetic for your particular brand of uptight theology in order to give yourself (and your spouse, I hope) permission to read it then that’s the title.

It makes no nevermind to me.

And I don’t think God cares either.

What Does God Have To Say About Sex in Marriage?

Scripture says (and I so rarely quote Scripture on my blog that I really think you ought to listen up):

Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge [emphasis mine]. Hebrews 13:4 KJV

God is saying here that all the married folks have His blessing to do whatever they want or need in bed and it won’t count against them at judgment time!

God and the Erotic

God invented sex. He knows all about it. Tab A? Slot B? He totally thunk those things up and created them so they’d get hard and wet and feel real good when bumped and grinded together.

There’s even an entire book of erotica in the Bible that you really ought to check out called Song of Solomon.

S0S is HOT with a capital H, and H stands for horny, which God fully expects you to be with the one you love. Don’t believe me?

  • “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— for your love is more delightful than wine.” (1:2)
  • “His fruit is sweet to my taste” (2:3).

and one of my personal favorites:

  • “Let us go early to the vineyards to see if the vines have budded, if their blossoms have opened, and if the pomegranates are in bloom– there I will give you my love“ (7:12).

That last one is Bible-speak for, “Wanna go up to my room and see my sketches?”

Look, God already knows what you’re doing—or fantasizing about doing–anyway. The fact that you’re a dirty little girl (or a bad, bad boy) is no surprise to Him. Stop skulking around in the back of your mind like you’re fooling God. You aren’t.

When Did God Become My Peeping Tom?

Awhile back I wrote a post about being a teenager and masturbating in front of Jesus. Well, it wasn’t really Jesus, Jesus, it was just his picture that my mother had put up in my room to ward off rock-n-roll.

mormon-jesus11.jpg

But I wasn’t fooled.

He was in there.

Looking out at me disapprovingly. Sadly shaking his head and tsk-tsking me.

And thus began my sexual relationship with God.

No matter what, I couldn’t get the Big Guy out of my head. Think a sexual thought, and there He was, giving me the stink eye.

So at this point you’re thinking, “What a bad girl, Chloe was. No wonder God let her dog die.”

No. You aren’t thinking that.

But you might be wondering right about now what my point here is.

I’m here to set you free in bed. And the way I’m going to do that is by telling you a story.

Are You and Your Husband Having a Three-Way with God?

“Good girls don’t [blank]”

Go ahead. Right now get a piece of paper and fill in the blank. If you are a good Christian woman I bet you can fill a page with all the things good girls don’t do. If you’re a really good Christian woman I bet you can’t even write down the words.

And now I want you to ask yourself, in light of Hebrews 13:4, where you got those crazy limitations?

‘Cause they aren’t from God.

In Hebrews 13:4, God has given us carte blanche to please and be pleased in bed in all” ways by our spouses.

See, I used to not live in this place of sexual freedom with my husband. I used to be just as uptight as you. Maybe more so because my fantasies are probably dirtier than yours, and I already KNEW how disappointed God was in me. I didn’t even need the Church to chime in. But it did.

And boy did my bedroom become a crowded place.

God in Your Bedroom

Unlike the understanding Jesus in the picture above, the God in my mind was standing in the corner glowering at us, just waiting for some sin to happen.

Then there were the deacons leering out from under the covers keeping a watchful eye over the proceedings.

And, of course, all of my various Pastors were standing at the head of the bed like umpires making sure nothing too wild or crazy went on that might threaten my salvation.

And sitting all around in my head were all the good Christian women whispering, “A man who really loved you wouldn’t risk compromising your salvation by wanting THAT,” and, “Only a bad girl would want their husbands to do THAT, anyway!”

And I didn’t want to be a bad girl. I wanted to be a good Christian woman. Just like them.

So I wrapped all of this crazy sexual repression up in a big package that I labeled, “Loving God”.

In order to prove my love to God I needed to keep a lid on my passions and never let my fantasies free. I needed to keep them hidden even from myself!

My husband’s needs? I told myself I loved God more, setting up this hierarchy in my mind, and telling myself that I was putting God first.

So I didn’t think about sex during the day because Good Girls Don’t.

I didn’t read erotica that would help me get in the mood because Good Girls Don’t.

I didn’t masturbate (except when I absolutely had to) because Good Girls Don’t.

I didn’t do this or that sexual act my husband desired because Good Girls Don’t.

I didn’t wear sexy lingerie under my homeschool mom demin jumper because Good Girls Don’t.

And I most certainly didn’t tell my husband what I really wanted and needed in bed because Good Girls Can’t.

Good girls aren’t supposed to even know what they want in bed.

God is Love?

We Christians preach a God of love, but we don’t act like we believe in one. We behave like God is keeping score, and even when He says in His Word He isn’t, we’re sure He is. So, just in case, we reign ourselves in sexually, holding our whole selves back from the very person we shouldn’t.

When my husband and I went into our crucible in 2012 I faced a stark truth: I really loved myself much more than I loved him.

I had spent most of our marriage holding up a wall between us, sexually. I didn’t let him into my fantasy life, and I made him feel ashamed about his by rejecting him, denying him, and refusing to allow him the freedom to fully express his sexual self with me without fear of humiliation.

And then it dawned on me–barring death and another wife–I am the closest thing my husband will ever have to another human being who will love and accept him completely. He has no one else. And if I don’t want him to want anyone else then I need to be open to all aspects of our sexuality, even the parts that make me uncomfortable or scare me.

I needed to stop seeing my husband’s desires through the lens of my own prudish self-righteousness, and start treating him like he’s the most important human being in my life. Because he is.

And I needed to set myself free, too. The wall I’d been holding up to keep us safe was keeping us apart. The only way to get to each other completely was to take the wall down.

And my first step was to kindly ask God to please look the other way. I told Him I just can’t be myself in bed with Him staring at us. And since God’s not a perv, He totally understood.

The other night I was celebrating National Masturbation Month and I realized, “Hey, God’s not watching anymore.” After my celebration was over I called my husband and told him all about it. I never imagined marriage could be like this. It was a lot of work to get here, on both our parts, but I’m certain God approves.

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{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }

an SL mom August 7, 2014 at 3:04 am

Whatever happened to Kelly/cleo’s blog on marriage?

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Chloe Jeffreys August 13, 2014 at 10:24 am

She took it down, I believe. And several other SL Moms were asked to take the sex talk elsewhere. I don’t blame SL for that.

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MyThoughtsExactly June 24, 2014 at 6:16 am

Wow! You’ve nearly told my own story! I had been repressed for years leading to a very unsatisfying sex life for hubby and me. Eventually I just shut everything down and only gave in when I had to because I just wanted more and I wanted it kinky and I couldn’t reconcile my desires with my faith. At about the 18 year marker I made a decision to no longer withhold myself to him. By 19 we had some pretty decent disclosures and I discovered he had kinky desires too. Now, at 20.5, we are off the charts hot together. A website I found that really helped me with my transformation was christiannympos.org. We are facing some pretty serious health issues now that have stressed us beyond measure and without the honesty and closeness of our sexual bond I don’t know if we would be weathering the storm together at all. Our marriage bed is a sanctuary for us.

Thank you for having the courage to say what you said. I hope it inspires other Good Christian Women to kick God out of their bedrooms too and see what a gift the marriage bed truly is.

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Cheryl Nicholl May 31, 2014 at 6:52 pm

Great post Chloe. I can’t say I’ve had any of these same religious restrictions on my sense of self or sexuality, but you make a wonderful and heartfelt argument for looking for a larger, more accepting (love) environment in all things Human. You are a force to be reckoned with- and God, I’m sure, thanks you for it.
Cheryl Nicholl recently posted..Food PornMy Profile

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Chloe Jeffreys May 31, 2014 at 8:33 pm

You are so good to me, Cheryl! Thank you for commenting and sharing this piece. I realize that for those who haven’t come out of a legalistic religion what I’m talking about might sound very foreign. But the Church Ladies and Men are real. And they are damaging marriages left and right.

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HAnonymous May 29, 2014 at 8:15 pm

Need a chuckle?
Analyze THIS. :>)

Last night I had a dream-
I dreamed it was a Big Fat….. Slumber Party.
Chloe, you told me (with a naughty giggle) that I needed to buy myself a new DeeDee.
I had no idea what a DeeDee was, but assumed it was some sort of…um… marital aid.
Nope. As it turned out, a DeeDee was just a boogie board of sorts,
so I got one. (Chloe’s probably not wrong about this stuff, right girls? Can I get a witness?)
The next day at the water park, just to see what the fuss was about, I got on my DeeDee in the kiddie wave pool.(Who knew there was a kiddie wave pool?!?! Wouldn’t that be dangerous, what with the shallow water and all? Well, yeah, you’d think so, right?)
All the other BF Slumber Party attendees stood around and cheered my wave-riding skills. ( I mean, they were for sure cheering, and they for sure “mostly” meant me. But then, out of NOWHERE, there was a HUGE colossal wave in the kiddie pool. I, of course, was riding it skillfully. Because, you know… skillz and whatnot. (Remember the concern about shallow water? Well, yeah…clear and present danger, HELLO!?!)
I was already on my knees on my board [eye roll], so I just started praying REALLY HARD that I could do THIS wave without slamming into the bottom of the pool and dying right there in front of all mahhh frieeeends. And God let that happen, so , YAY! crisis averted. And then I was thinking, well, THIS time, I’m really glad God was watching. And I wondered why Chloe said we shouldn’t invite God to our parties.
End of dream.
Moral of the story : If you’re taking cold medicine, don’t read Chloe’s blog posts just before going to bed.
(Giggle)
How many kinds of crazy did YOU count?
Do you think they’ll still invite me to slumber parties?

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Chloe Jeffreys May 29, 2014 at 8:36 pm

I’m glad you took my advice and bought your DeeDee. I’d still invite you to my slumber party, but I’m not sure I’d let you bring any cold medicine.
Chloe Jeffreys recently posted..Why I Kicked God Out of My Sex LifeMy Profile

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Crazy Mama May 29, 2014 at 8:11 pm

What an awesome post. As an almost 36 year old with daddy issues on a confusing path to God, I kinda felt a little liberated reading this. Thank you (once again ;p )

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Chloe Jeffreys May 29, 2014 at 8:37 pm

You have so much time to work through this stuff. I was around your age when I think I finally started to really face it all. It’s a process, that’s for sure.

I believe that God does love us and wants our marriages to be strong and joyful. His word says that over and over again. WE have so few examples of that in the Bible though. Why is that?
Chloe Jeffreys recently posted..Why I Kicked God Out of My Sex LifeMy Profile

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Crazy Mama May 29, 2014 at 8:43 pm

I’m embarrassed to say I haven’t read enough of the bible (yet) to even question it….but, with almost full ignorance disclosed, I wonder if it’s got something to do with the way the bible was, uh, edited…..

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Chloe Jeffreys May 29, 2014 at 9:03 pm

Uh, yeah. I’m pretty sure that’s part of it. And how it has been interpreted, too.

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Lisa Lehr May 29, 2014 at 3:55 pm

Well, Chloe, I must say, you hit the nail on the head. I had to laugh at your interpretation of Song of Solomon — one of my favorite books in the Bible! It is exactly as you described! : ) God does indeed want us to enjoy everything in life! He created happiness and joy — and certainly, sex would fall into that category. Great blog! Check mine out sometime! http://www.amazinggrace490.blogspot.com

Peace!
Lisa Lehr recently posted..TouchstonesMy Profile

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Chloe Jeffreys May 29, 2014 at 8:07 pm

Thank you, Lisa. Why do we constantly feel the need to put God in a box so small?
Chloe Jeffreys recently posted..Why I Kicked God Out of My Sex LifeMy Profile

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Brenda May 29, 2014 at 5:46 am

Yes and thank you. Only letting two people be in my bed was a process for me. The book “Intended for Pleasure” helped me get to orgasming on a regular basis and the blog “1 Hot Marriage” helped me be ok with the body I have TODAY and realize that it deserves great sex just as much as my hot 22yo bod. And at 42 it’s more likely to get great sex anyway. ;)

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Chloe Jeffreys May 29, 2014 at 8:07 pm

Sexy is not about size, age, or any of that stuff. Sexiness is an attitude of openness towards giving and receiving pleasure.
Chloe Jeffreys recently posted..Why I Kicked God Out of My Sex LifeMy Profile

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Julie Chenell DeNeen May 28, 2014 at 6:55 pm

Hot damn woman. This was excellent. And slightly naughty. :)
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Chloe Jeffreys May 28, 2014 at 8:53 pm

Thank you, Julie! I am so glad you liked it. You and I are often on message when it comes to sexual freedom in our marriages. It’s so important today. Maybe 50 years ago couples could afford to not invest the time and energy into their sex lives, but with the divorce rate as it is, and divorce not being a taboo any longer, we absolutely cannot ignore this aspect of our marriages.
Chloe Jeffreys recently posted..Why I Kicked God Out of My Sex LifeMy Profile

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Liv May 28, 2014 at 6:42 pm

Chloe, you are one of the most amazing women I have the pleasure of “knowing” (in an online sense anyway). That was an insightful, humorous, delightful post, and I’m smiling for having read it.

PS. I didn’t know there was a “month” for celebrating…I’ve taken to celebrating pretty much all the time. Alone and with my husband. That’s ok, right?
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Chloe Jeffreys May 28, 2014 at 8:55 pm

Thank you, Liv. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you more, too.

I just recently learned myself that May is National Masturbation Month.

And it is okay. My husband and I have found that if I allow the fires to grow cold it’s a lot harder to warm them back up again.
Chloe Jeffreys recently posted..Why I Kicked God Out of My Sex LifeMy Profile

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Liv May 31, 2014 at 7:09 pm

Use it or lose it. That’s my favourite of your blogs.
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Chloe Jeffreys May 31, 2014 at 8:32 pm

Thank you, Liv. I wish I had time to do more art. But it’s so time-consuming.

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Laura B. May 28, 2014 at 4:41 pm

Thanks, again, Chloe, for ‘nailing’ it. Pun could be intended. This thinking quite literally revolutionized my marriage about 15 years ago.

SEX IN MY MARRIAGE WAS OF GOD. Period. End of story, case closed.
Laura B. recently posted..Oh! Oh! Summer Glow!My Profile

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Chloe Jeffreys May 28, 2014 at 8:56 pm

Lucky you!! It took me a whole lot longer, I’m afraid. But better late than never.
Chloe Jeffreys recently posted..Why I Kicked God Out of My Sex LifeMy Profile

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Laura B. May 29, 2014 at 8:08 pm

Absolutely! better late than never!

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Andrea May 28, 2014 at 4:08 pm

One of my pastors always said, “there is no sin in the marriage bed.” I remember that when I start to feel like a bad girl when my husband and I are being intimate.

Great post, Chloe!

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Chloe Jeffreys May 28, 2014 at 8:57 pm

What a good pastor you had. I’ve had some good ones, too. But I was so saddled with guilt and self-loathing that I really didn’t hear them over the din of all the negative.
Chloe Jeffreys recently posted..Why I Kicked God Out of My Sex LifeMy Profile

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Laura B. May 29, 2014 at 8:09 pm

That’s great ~ because sadly, the pulpit makes you feel that what’s going on in your bed is dirty.
Laura B. recently posted..Oh! Oh! Summer Glow!My Profile

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Chloe Jeffreys May 29, 2014 at 9:03 pm

And sometimes your Facebook wall, too.

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