Today’s post is Part II of this post. It contains cursing and somewhat graphic sex. You’ve been warned.

Christian Louboutin Neofilo

“I have a crush on another man.”

My words, hanging there between us, seemed to have suddenly sucked all of the air out of the restaurant.

I had played a hand that I couldn’t unplay even if I’d wanted to. The flirty drunkenness I’d felt only moments before suddenly evaporated in sober apprehension. There was nothing to do now but wait for my husband’s reaction.

My husband’s face was very still. His bright blue eyes dark like I’d imagined them back when I was in the closet struggling to get in the corset that was still biting into my flesh, but there was nary a hint of his beguiling come-fuck-me-now smile. In fact, he looked downright grim.

“Is it serious? Who is he!? Why are you telling me this?”

Was it serious? And why had I told him?

Truth and Consequences

I have never been unfaithful to my husband, and I was mostly sure I didn’t really want to sleep with this other man. But there was an unusual thrill to this secret crush that had scared me as much as it titillated.

Floating, unbidden, in and out of my consciousness over the past few months, I noticed that I had started taking the crush out and mentally playing with it on purpose for the fun of it, and then hiding it away like the poisonous, destructive thing that it could become. I was aware that I was fostering the crush in my own mind. Worse, I had started to wonder if I could get away with taking it farther.

This wasn’t like me. 

I don’t often get crushes on other men.  Don’t get me wrong. I love men in the theoretical sense. But a crush requires illusions, and I know too much about the reality of men to have many illusions left.  I meet very, very few real men who interest me enough to provoke a real crush.

My life, like my blog, is not about men. It’s about women. Women endlessly fascinate me. My entire life has been a full-throttle exploration of the female experience. Men are part of that experience, for sure, but not a big enough part anymore for me to screw up my life over. Been there. Done that.

Not to mention the fundamental fact that, even after 27 years together, I am still passionately and madly in love with my husband.

But this crush–and whether or not I should tell my husband about it–had obviously been on my mind quite a bit or it wouldn’t have bubbled out of me the way it did.

Isn’t discretion supposed to be the better part of valor, though? Shouldn’t I have kept it to myself and waited until it faded away? That was most likely what was going to happen, so wasn’t that the right thing to do? By telling him, wasn’t I hurting my husband just to unload my guilt?

But the problem was the crush wasn’t fading away. If anything, it was growing stronger. I was frightened to find myself considering acting on an impulse and doing something that I knew I’d deeply regret later. The thought scared me because–make no mistake–no one ever really gets away with an affair. Even if the truth is never revealed, forever-after the relationship is changed. It can never be made innocent again. Marriages can survive infidelity, but it leaves an indelible mark that never entirely disappears. 

In that moment of intimate, alcohol-infused weakness I’d decided valor be damned! The truth was that as much as I was enjoying my little crush, I longed for my husband to set me free from it. And he couldn’t very well release me from a trap he didn’t know I was caught in.

I wanted him to rescue me from my secret. I wanted him to put his foot down, and reassert his proprietary rights over me. I wanted him to say, “No, I love you. You cannot do this to us.”

Why couldn’t I have just done that for myself? I don’t know.

Love Means Having to Say You’re Sorry

Back to the restaurant.

My husband-confessor listened intently as my halting words burbled out of my mouth. Can words be both halting and burbling? Well, mine were as I tried to answer my husband’s questions about this man, and why he was intriguing me so.

A man who really listens to a woman is rare indeed. It is my pet theory that there would be significantly less divorce in this world if more men tried listening to their wives once in a while.

My husband listened to my every word, trying to give me what it was I needed from him most. And what I needed most was for him to listen to the turmoil going on inside me.

The man I was crushing on is a very popular doctor at my new job. When I started my job I’d noticed him looking at me, which I’d treated with my usual ice-queen disdain. This only seemed to entice him towards me more. Then blah, blah, blah. Who cares? It doesn’t matter. The man wasn’t the issue at all, and both of us knew it.

Here’s the real thing.

I was once a beautiful young woman that men wanted to fuck. And as much as I might rail against the archaic notion that my value should have anything whatsoever to do with how fuckable men perceive me to be, I was/am still under its thrall. I feel the loss of my fuckability sometimes very acutely. For most of my life being fuckable was a big part of who I was, and I derived power from it. Having it gone is like having an amputated limb that still aches from its phantom pain. Being an aging woman in a culture that worships at the altar of firm-fleshed, estrogen-fueled youth is just plain hard.

I know. Boo effing hoo.

But having a man that other women find desirable desiring me was thrilling. It was pushing a button in me that I loved getting pushed.

Calling Dr. Donut

Because this man’s name sounds a bit like the French word for donut, my husband christened the object of my crush “Dr. Donut.”  And as we talked about Dr. Donut, and my perceived loss of fuckability, I felt my crush begin to fizzle out. Wow, it couldn’t have been too serious if something as silly as a nickname could kill it, right?

But wasn’t it all really silly anyway? Everybody gets old and dies and that’s the circle of life. It really is about time I came to some peace about it. And the crush itself was a silly nothing that secrecy and my flagging self-esteem was trying to grow into a dangerous something that would ultimately lead to emptiness if I let it.

I saw very quickly, sitting in that restaurant, pinched and breathless in kinkwear as I was, that everything that is something in my life was sitting in front of me, and nothing was worth losing him over. Not ever.

We closed down the restaurant talking and listening to one another’s hopes and fears. As we walked out, I felt a huge weight lifted off of me. I had what I think every woman ultimately wants, to be heard, understood, accepted, and loved.

I had risked being vulnerable with my husband. And instead of rejecting me–or simply getting angry, which would have been his right–he’d risked being vulnerable back by meeting me where I was.

As we descended down the stairs of the restaurant towards our car, I guided my husband’s hand under my sweater and around my back to the laces of my corset. I was finally rewarded with that dark look and naughty smile I’d been longing to see hours earlier. But now there was nothing and no one standing between us.

And now for the Sex

As we drove down our little town’s main street, I ripped off all of my clothes down to my corset and stockings, leaving the Louboutins on, of course, and knelt over the center console–what the hell happened to bench seats anyway?–and unzipped his pants.

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As I adjusted myself to the task rising up before me, I caught the reflection of headlights in the rearview mirror.

Was it a cop? Oh, I hoped so! My clothes were irretrievably lost somewhere in the back seat, and every policeman in this county knows my husband. In a town where nothing really scintillating ever happens, he’d be a hero. His good fortune would be talked about for YEARS!

But no. It was just a car that turned off at the next intersection. The road was then deserted, and we were followed by no one else.

I’m not sure whether it was the return of my wine buzz, or the lack of oxygen in my brain from that corset, but by the time we screeched to a halt in front of our garage door I was woozy and light-headed.

My husband leaped out of the car and raced around to open my door. Pulling me out by my arm, he pushed me up against the hood of the car, kicked my legs apart, and took me from behind right there on our driveway, obliterating all thoughts I’d ever had about anything or anyone else.

The next morning my lover/husband brought me a breakfast in bed of donuts and hot tea. As he hand fed me donuts, we talked about the night before, and the long years of marriage in front of us.

I suppose without knowing it, what I needed most was to be taken in the driveway with authority and then fed donuts in bed by hand. And I needed reminding that even after 27 years of marriage, intimacy coupled with emotional risk is the perfect cocktail for an erotic date night, high heels, corsets, and all.

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{ 60 comments… read them below or add one }

Martin September 4, 2016 at 10:20 pm

Damn girl…. gutsy move. Nice outcome.

Pretty patient man. I likely would not have been so good about that.

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Your Bestie December 23, 2015 at 11:17 pm

Stumbled across your blog –

Insight and intelligence

fuckability.

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Chloe Jeffreys January 1, 2016 at 9:20 am

LOL! Well, thanks? Actually this post is very timely. Thank you for it.

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Joe Montagna June 20, 2015 at 6:47 am

Chloe,
I read this post and wondered about whether your concern about your “fuckability” was mirrored by your husband’s need to have a wife that other guys wanted to take to bed. It could be that this need as well as your bawdiness on the way home, had him so aroused that he had to take you right there in the driveway. I also wonder if watching you eat those donuts the next morning were a subliminal way of him watching you with “Dr. Donut”.
Did you ever wonder if your husband and love of your life secretly harbors the fantasy of watching you having sex with another man?

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Lisa Rapose April 21, 2015 at 7:22 am

Scary…yes, I said it. Your blog scared the bijiminy out of me…at first. Oi. The vulnerability! Putting a spotlight on flagging self-esteem (decreased fuckability) was spot on.

In today’s society, I’ve, actually, come to think of “feminist” as a CRAP word. They’ve got more issues than Christian Grey… But, hey, I think I like you. Couldn’t, possibly, be because you can read my mind.

But, hey, by the time I got to the driveway…all was well.

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Chloe Jeffreys April 24, 2015 at 1:17 pm

Hi Lisa! Sorry to frighten you. I hope in the end you at least feel less alone. Your comment made me feel less alone.

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Lisa Rapose April 24, 2015 at 7:39 pm

Without a doubt.

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Donnie September 10, 2014 at 12:14 pm

Wow! I am so encouraged by finding your blog and reading this post! I sent it to my wife as well. Bravo! And from a man’s perspective – you still look amazing and I get the feeling that you will continue to do so. I see women all the time who move into later years with that certain spark – you have it for sure. Your husband is very fortunate to have a woman like you.

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Chloe Jeffreys September 11, 2014 at 1:09 pm

Thank you, Donnie. I hope this article is a benefit to you and your wife. And thank you for the kind compliment. I will not go down without a fight, that’s for sure. LOL!

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mercedesmom June 30, 2014 at 6:57 pm

All I can say is thank God I found your blog!! I am dealing with the exact same issue right now and I have been feeling like I have been losing my mind for months now. It has been especially bad since I turned 49 in March. I swear I could have written the whole piece about losing my fuckability. I’ve been married to a wonderful man for 23 years and not once have I had an issue with a “crush”until recently, and this is a doozy. For me, I think several things have all converged in the same place at the same time to cause a perfect storm of emotional turbulence and I’m not sure how it will all play out but I have felt like such an oddball and glad to know I’m not the only one that has ever felt this way. I live in a small town where everybody knows everybody (except me-not from here, but my husband and his family are), so I have no one I trust to talk with about this. Most people either know my husband or his family, know the crushee or his family or are very judgemental, so I’m stuck with everything bottled up just waiting to pop out in a bad way or at a bad time. My Mama never told me how to handle this situation, LOL. Thanks for sharing your experiences-maybe I’ll make it through this rough patch!

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Sergio June 30, 2014 at 12:53 am

Hi Chloe,

Wonderful post! And a beautiful story. Indeed your husband is a very special person, and it is great that he was at a point in his life in which your sincerity would be appreciated for what it was — trust in each other’s feelings, trust in the bond that binds you.

You mention that it would have been his right to become angry. Yes, and — alas! — this is the most likely outcome in such interactions, with husbands (and wives as well). What would you have done — and what would the consequence have been — if he did get angry? It is imaginable that your sincerity (had your husband not been the person he is) might have planted the seeds for resentment and broken hearts.

Which is why I think, no matter how happy I am with the outcome of your particular story, that, in general, such sincerity would not be a good idea. It is a pity that not all people — not all men and women who are, all in all, good people, with whom we can have deep, meaningful relationships — are at a place like your husband’s in their own personal growth. (From anecdotal evidence, probably most aren’t.)

It is worth wondering if it would be good to remain intimate with someone to whom one could not be entirely open — to whom one could not hope for as mature a reaction as your husband’s to the news that his/her spouse had a crush on someone else. After all, since such crushes do happen, for reasons such as yours and a long list of others (mostly also related to feeling validated as sexual people, although there are also other legitimate possibilities); and since they are linked to important parts of who we are; being with someone with whom one could not have this open discussion would imply having certain important aspects of ourselves as secrets, as vulnerability points that we could not seek relief for, because probable reaction would not bring relief.

Yet… The reasons why someone could react angrily or otherwise negatively to a story such as yours are also, in themselves, legitimate. They often have to do with insecurity, fear of loss, feelings of inadequacy… fear of change. Feelings which (just like the undesirable importance of ‘fuckability’ to you) are probably unfounded; in fact, the person in question may very well know how unfounded and childish they are without this preventing them from expressing themselves strongly and deeply.

But since people are more than simply the sum of their fears and/or defects — the sum of those areas where growth is still ongoing — then it seems yes, there is reason to stay in a relationship with them. Just as you are not defined (far from it!) by the your concern with your ‘fuckability’ — you clearly are much more than that –, people are much more than the sum of their insecurities and fears (inlcuding, by the way, those that are not unfounded).

It is good that your husband could take your hand and help you through this particular event, by giving you exactly that which you needed (and which you probably knew you needed, at least unconsciously, since you started the process by admitting the crush to him). If he had reacted angrily, he would then need your help to see this anger for what it is (just as he helped you see your crush for what it really was).

And so we try to help each other to grow further. Sometimes it works, because our pains and defects don’t feed back into each other, causing vicious cycles (e.g., co-dependency). Sometimes it doesn’t, and then good, caring people end up hurting each other and perhaps splitting to face life alone (or, if luck allows, with another person who might be a better match qua pains and defects). The world is full of such bad stories, in which all those involved suffer.

But yours was not such a story — it was one with a happy ending, because someone who needed one kind of help was paired with someone who could see that, and who was ready and willing to provide this help.

Thank you for writing this. You have brightened my day by showing me an example of how people can be sometimes better than we expect. You are a lucky person, and you made me feel a little luckier today. Again, thank you.

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Chloe Jeffreys July 2, 2014 at 9:54 pm

And you comment, Sergio, made my day! It amazes me how many people in my real life ended up angry over me telling this story, and none of them were my husband! It definitely hit a nerve that I never intended to hit. I was just telling my story and trying to tell it as well as I could. But I’m afraid that in telling my story I also told the story of people who aren’t as fortunate as I am to be married to a man who has taken the time to learn to understand me as well as he does.

For many (most?) people, they will have to work through these crushes on their own because most marriages can’t endure the risk. I took a big risk telling my husband. And he took a big risk, too. I could have said anything, but he chose to wait and listen instead of react. And it made all of the difference.

We laugh about this night now. Honestly, I NEVER once gave another thought to Dr. Donut. I saw him a couple of more time, but my heat didn’t skip any beats, I didn’t look for him. It was over for me. My husband knew exactly what I needed. And yes, that does make me incredibly lucky. Thank you again for such a lovely, lovely comment.

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baldielox May 28, 2014 at 9:18 pm

you are the woman we men have nightmares about marring…

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Chloe Jeffreys May 28, 2014 at 9:25 pm

We’re in agreement. I most certainly wouldn’t want to be marred by you either.
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baldielox May 28, 2014 at 9:42 pm

you have a reckless attitude… I would never think of doing that to my wife…

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baldielox May 28, 2014 at 9:48 pm

oh… and by the way…. do you really think the rest of us haven’t been tempted? It’s called self control and respect for your spouse.

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Jim November 8, 2016 at 4:08 pm

I wish I had never read this story. It sounds so horrible, despite its ending. Yeah, I know the line is that all us married people secretly long to screw someone other than our spouse, and I find this not only a lie, but a crude and disgusting thing to put on what otherwise seems to be a good site. I don’t know why sex seems to reign supreme in all of life’s experiences, but it does, though it should not. If you can’t have hot sex absent dreaming about sex with someone else, you need to examine yourself. If one follows God at all, one surely knows that even THINKING about adultery is viewed by God as if you actually, physically committed this sin, and as it is already so easy for some to toss their promise to be faithful forever, I don’t think any help needs to be given in this area. I am disappointed you thought this appropriate to publish, as it is a matter for repentance, not publication.

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baldielox May 28, 2014 at 9:34 pm

if you have any respect for your spouse, you would never even have the thought

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Chloe Jeffreys May 28, 2014 at 11:00 pm

I’m confused. Why would you need self control for something you would never even think?

You said that out of respect for my husband I should never have even had these thoughts, but that you have had thoughts like this and “temptations”. You say you respect your wife, but doesn’t this mean you don’t respect your wife? Is your point that it is better not to tell your wife and keep it a secret? That feels more respectful to you? That seems dishonest to me. How can you and your wife work through the issues if you are lying to her by not admitting what is honestly going on in your life?
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Magnolia May 30, 2014 at 8:19 am

Interesting response to your post by Baldielox, Chloe. I was thinking about it this morning…..the hostility of it, and the anger toward you, over something perhaps, Baldielox himself might be struggling with.

A purely misogynistic response, I would say. He struggles with his sexual urges and purity in his marriage, and lashes out at YOU. Where have I seen that kind of male response before? Wait…..I know…..the Taliban?

I wish I could say I was a sexually liberated and free as you are. But alas, I am not. However, given that I am single and wish to remain that way indefinitely, I’m also very okay with the corresponding, self-imposed celibacy which goes along with it.

I’m actually doing a lot of deep, spiritual soul searching in the area of sexuality. From one girl to another (we have many shared experiences), there’s a lot there to learn.

Magnolia
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Chloe Jeffreys May 31, 2014 at 7:35 am

You picked up on that, huh? He was so angry he couldn’t even finish his sentences. The way he posted his responses make it look like he was sputtering mad.

Why in the world he’d be so angry at me is odd. I was very confused by his take on the situation. How was he tempted by things that he never thought because he respects his wife so much? And why am I suddenly the bad girl here, while he’s a good man?

I think you hit the nail squarely on the head.

Jim November 8, 2016 at 4:13 pm

One cannot always help having thoughts, but one can ALWAYS take steps to stop doing so, rather than indulge and hope nothing bad happens. You are SUPREMELY lucky that your husband took what you revealed with grace, as most would not, and they would not be wrong in being very angry at you. Having a stray thought is one thing, as no one has 100% pure and wonderful thoughts, but throwing fuel on an already dangerous fire, as I believe you did, is not a very Christian reaction to what is clearly sin. I too have a number of sinful thoughts, and not just about sex, but when the enter my mind, wherever I am, whatever I am doing I pray that God who strip them out of my mind, and He does. I’m sorry this didn’t happen to you, as you seem a very intelligent and decent person.

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Liv May 25, 2014 at 6:53 pm

I love your brutal honesty. Well done – couldn’t even make it into the house!

You’ve reminded me how much I miss wearing heels. I had fantastic legs before my car accident and heels only made them better. Sigh. At least I still fit into my stockings and corset. 😉
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el viejo February 17, 2014 at 8:54 am

We’re all sad about the decline or disappearance of our fuckability. I’m a fit, reasonably good-looking man of 50-odd, married (“openly,” but invisibly so, which doesn’t help) to a beauty who’s also in her 50s. Luckily we still turn each other on; I noticed years ago that, not having fame, movie-star looks, hair on top of my head, or a mighty fortune, I was becoming transparent to most women. You, Ms. Jeffreys, may not be a beautiful young woman anymore, but I suspect that “young” is the only word needing to be struck from that phrase to make it describe you—and that if I met you I’d think “Beautiful woman!” and would want to fuck you. (Not to put too fine a point on this.) All of that said, I like this piece, sympathize with your dismay at losing the glow of youth, and admire your candor.

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Chloe Jeffreys February 25, 2014 at 10:07 am

Thanks very much for your comment. Aging is just tough, isn’t it? It wouldn’t be nearly so bad if death wasn’t looming off on the horizon somewhere in either our near or distant future. When we’re young we cannot hear the drumbeat of time, but the older we get the louder it seems. At some point our lives tip over to the other side and our losses begin to supersede our gains. I think how we cope with that transition translates to the character we’ll end up with on our deathbed.

The funny thing is that I feel infinitely happier and exponentially sexier at 52 than I did at 32. My husband would whole-heartedly agree with that statement as well. I found motherhood to be a major lady-boner killer. Fortunately, my mojo was’t dead, but just in a deep hibernation. Being freed up of children allowed that part of myself to reawaken. I’m fortunate that I have a mate who appreciates and encouraged my rebloom. Not every woman is nearly as lucky.

Aging for men is just as hard as it is for women. In many ways I think it might be worse.

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House Crazy Sarah September 24, 2013 at 12:46 pm

Hi Chloe,
just discovered your site via Cheryl from A Pleasant House.
Great writing here – you had my blood pressure rising from start to finish. I only wish the cops HAD pulled you two over. 🙂
Can’t wait to read more!
-House Crazy Sarah
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Chloe Jeffreys September 24, 2013 at 5:53 pm

Thanks for visiting and commenting. I love A Pleasant House!

I am sorry about the cops not pulling us over, too. That is the only thing that would have made the evening better.
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Beth Teliho September 24, 2013 at 12:19 pm

Wow. Great story and so eloquently written. Kudos to your hubs for meeting you in the middle, and also to you for having the balls to be honest, and the insight to understand why you were thriving off the attention in the first place. Both parts of the pair aren’t always so enlightened. You two are lucky.

I enjoyed it immensely. Especially the end! 🙂
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Chloe Jeffreys September 24, 2013 at 5:54 pm

Beth, thank you for coming by and taking the time to comment. I am a very lucky woman. I’m glad you liked my piece. I think I’m going to take up writing erotica. But under another name, lol.
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Valerie September 23, 2013 at 6:42 pm

As a former hottie whose Mojo is completely but hopefully temporarily gone, thanks for writing this. It’s going to take more than amazing shoes and lingerie but eventually I’ll channel my inner 30-something or even 40-something confidence. I love what a risk taker you are, Chloe! 🙂

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Chloe Jeffreys September 23, 2013 at 8:29 pm

Valerie, you are gorgeous inside and out. Thank you for commenting. Losing this “thing” about myself has been hard. I miss it even as I really don’t want it back. I like being able to go about my life now without it, but from time to time it is hard not to reminisce about those good ole times.

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Stephanie September 22, 2013 at 2:08 pm

Completely agree with you about the value of a listening husband.

Also agree that it’s difficult to lose ‘desirable’ status. Health issues the last several years have taken a toll, the most recent ‘loss’ added to the pile is that I can no longer color my hair. It is so silly and inconsequential in the big picture, but facing the exposure and vulnerability of being very gray at 45 was not something I relished. Once done, though, it has been very freeing. I got a fun haircut, some new colors in my wardrobe, and my husband still thinks I’m hot. I wonder now what I was so afraid of.

Willingness to be vulnerable is key, isn’t it? Well, that and a scorching date with hubs. 🙂

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Chloe Jeffreys September 24, 2013 at 9:49 am

A scorching date never hurts!

And I definitely agree that the anticipation of loss is often much worse than the actual loss itself. At least I have found that to be true.
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Jim November 8, 2016 at 4:19 pm

I truly don’t understand the horror of becoming less “hot” as one ages. I am, or so I’ve been told by some women, a “hot” guy, and it was nice to hear, but the idea that the loss of this will be a horror is foreign to me. What a women is to me, above all, is kind, intelligent, fun-loving, etc. Her looks are not unimportant, but when I found, as I have, a WONDERFUL woman, who loved me despite my faults, and who liked my dumb humor, and who not just forgave, but forgot my faults, the idea of her or me being eternally hot seemed pointless to either one of our happiness. I know some of what I’ve said sounds mean, but I am so appalled at the kudos for the story that I don’t know what to say.

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A Pleasant House September 20, 2013 at 10:16 am

Chloe- you are an enigma. So prim and proper and then a vixen behind closed doors. The conundrum for me is the propagation of the image (in this case the ‘sharing’) of the woman as SAINT/ woman as SEXTOY image this post brings to mind. Does your husband mind you writing about this? Mine would want this to remain just between us. And I’m no prude- you’ve met me.
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Chloe Jeffreys September 23, 2013 at 8:07 pm

Oh my. What an interesting comment. I’m not sure what to say.

My husband not only knows what I write, but I always seek out his approval before publishing anything that includes him in the story. I think that’s only fair.

I am deeply fortunate that, in the spirit of forward-thinking husbands, like Erica Jong’s for example, my husband gives me carte blanche when it comes to my artistic expression. He understands that my writing is an extension of who and what I am as I express in word and deed what it means to me to be a woman.

As far as the Saint/Sextoy conundrum? Hmmmm. I had to think about that for awhile.

Here’s where I am on that. As a woman who seeks self-actualization, the Saint/Sextoy, or Madonna/Whore, archetypes do not suit me. I see that in a paternalist, patriarchal society such as ours, others would like to reduce the female experience–and thereby sort out all women themselves–into these simple either/or categories, and I reject this paradigm. Truth be told, I began to rail against this archaic notion that either you are a saint (good girl), or sextoy (bad girl), back in high school. I like to think that after nearly 40 years of intense struggle I have risen above it. But I do appreciate the fact that my writing sometimes pushes that button in others. In my opinion, I think it is a worthwhile button to push because of its intrinsic wrongness.

While I do not think for one minute that other women should write as I have about their own sexuality, I do not think that a woman who does so has by default reduced herself to sextoy status. What a bleak world that would be! And if I were taking an honest assessment of who played what role in my post, I think my husband was really the sextoy here; a role he never seems to mind playing. Maybe it is because we don’t make it an either/or option for men which we then use upon which to base their entire character and value as a human being.
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A Pleasant House September 24, 2013 at 11:52 am

While I fully respect your point of view, I still find loop holes in the defense of it. I also, believe that a woman can (and if she’s comfortable with it) behave any way she desires, but, with our ‘shared'(?) concern for the complicated images that young women get bombarded with while trying to find their own voice, I think your post supports the historical objectification of women. Why is lusty, highly charged sexuality so often accompanied by high heels and a corset with the woman pursuing the man? I see this image as a male-centric fantasy that too many women still aspire to. That said- I love Louboutins.
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Chloe Jeffreys September 24, 2013 at 7:06 pm

I suppose that my cultural indoctrination slip is showing, huh? I must admit that corsets and stockings and high heels might be a man’s fantasy, but I like them too. I just don’t feel marginalized as a woman while wearing them. But I appreciate that it feels diminishing in some way to you.

Would it help if I added that my husband wore a suit for the occasion? Let me tell you that in our a teeny town in Northern California my husband was the only man wearing a suit that night. With a tie. He certainly could put on some comfy jeans and a plaid flannel shirt, which is his preferred outfit, but he put on the suit, the tie, and the pinchy dress shoes because they matter to me. I left that part out because I felt that was over the top. It is fascinating to me how each of us have our levels of comfort.
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A Pleasant House September 25, 2013 at 8:54 am

I’m very appreciative that we have had this conversation- and that you’ve published it in it’s entirety. Love ya Chloe.

b+ (Retire in Style Blog) September 19, 2013 at 7:02 pm

I am a very buttoned down kind of woman but you are the “queen”. I salute you!

b+
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b+ (Retire in Style Blog) September 19, 2013 at 7:05 pm

I might also add, by adding the husband to the fantasy he became part of the solution and the wonderful over the hood of a car…..! OK I am done.
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Chloe Jeffreys September 23, 2013 at 7:42 pm

Thank you, Barbara! Your post was so hilarious, and I appreciate the inspiration you and Vikki provided.

Yes, I can now say with some authority that my husband ruined my crush. I can no longer think of, or see, Dr. Donut without feeling deeply drawn to my husband. When it comes to me, my husband is a very, very smart man.

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Chloe Jeffreys September 23, 2013 at 8:12 pm

Thank you, Barbara. I realize this post was a bit over the top for some. So I deeply appreciate it when a “button-down girl” can see through the corset strings that more than anything else this was a love story between two people who, after 27 years, still find great passion in loving one another.
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Kim Jorgensen Gane September 19, 2013 at 6:19 pm

Really well-done, Chloe. I’m glad it all turned out in the end.

I had a crush back when we had a restaurant, teenagers, and my husband (whose idea/dream the restaurant had been in the first place) was traveling all the time for the job he’d been offered three months after we opened said restaurant. The crush was based in anger and bitterness, which was really scary, and thankfully never acted upon. It wasn’t something I ever could have told my husband, because we were already teetering on the edge of the rockiest place ever in our marriage. Two job losses and six years of infertility followed by an infant with two teenagers later, it’s still never been as hard as that period was.

My husband remains the only man I ever want to make love to for the rest of my life, and I’m so very glad I have never ever hurt him by being unfaithful in any way. I never could have forgiven myself, however difficult life–marriage–might have been at the time.

I’ve tried to talk to both of my now married daughters about the fact that marriage is rarely easy, and that it’s the times of struggle that will define it far more than the periods of simplicity or joy. My oldest daughter lost her job this week, and I’m so pleased to report that her husband (both of my daughters have been married less than a year) is being fantastically supportive, and I’m so very proud of them both.

Keep doing what you do. Examples of and reasons for honest conversations are so important, even for those of us who chose otherwise when presented with a similar situation in real life. Thank you for sharing yours.

–Kim

http://www.westcoastposse.com/2/post/2013/09/special-back-to-school-judyblumeproject-guest-post-by-author-jim-denney-part-four-martian-girl.html

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Chloe Jeffreys September 23, 2013 at 7:40 pm

Kim, thank you for your honest comment. I think these crushes do happen, and for lots of different reasons. I have had other milder crushes over our 27 years of marriage that I never told my husband about because they didn’t feel possibly threatening to me. I truly have never really considered acting upon one until now.

Life long marriage is an art, a science, and maybe just dumb, blind luck. Good for you for being honest with your daughters. I try very hard to do the same with mine, up to and including telling her to not read my blog anymore. 🙂
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marlen September 19, 2013 at 6:28 am

Oh my Oh my, you have no idea how much I needed not to mention liked this post. How you put the fact that you where a F_ _ _kable women and you got power from that is something I was and also did and have sadly lost. I have always felt like I was the only woman that saw it that way and felt I dont know, vain for feeling it. But to hear another woman say it word for word was fantastic. Self esteem is one thing that this menopause thing has taken away from me and I struggle with it on a daily basis. Thank you so much for validating my trivial worries and making them real.

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Chloe Jeffreys September 23, 2013 at 7:35 pm

Marien, I’m glad my post spoke to you in a way that made you feel not alone. That means the world to me since I often feel like it is wrong somehow to express these feelings.

In truth, I’m not sure how trivial these feelings are. Everywhere we turn in our society it is reinforced that a woman’s value is based on how she looks and how sexually attractive she is. It is no small thing to lose that if you’ve ever had it. The hard part is that somehow a woman is supposed to not acknowledge it, either the having or the losing of this quality.

On the other hand, I do love the fact that I feel less threatened by men. Now that they pretty much ignore me I don’t walk around worried as much about sexual attack. That’s something, right?
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Carol Cassara September 18, 2013 at 5:16 pm

Chloe, darling, I’m torn between liking this post and hating it. I’ll sit there a while and think about the complicated reasons why. In fact, I’ve been sitting here hours doing just that.

Meanwhile…

…you’ve started the discussion….so what do you think about open marriage? Polyamory? Other kinds of choices that include others?

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Chloe Jeffreys September 23, 2013 at 7:30 pm

You’ve peaked my interest with your response, Carol.

I think open marriage is a great idea for people who are planning on eventually divorcing. But I don’t think it works at all for those who really believe and desire an until death do us part marriage.

My husband and I are way too jealous of each other’s affections to share them with anyone else. As far as polyamory goes, that would never work for us either. When I fall in love, I fall hard. I could never love two or men with any real intensity at the same time.

And I could not stand it if my husband fell in love with another woman. Crushes I get. But if he truly fell in love with another woman it would rip my heart out. Which would not even begin to describe the damage I’d want to do to the woman.
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Playful Karen September 18, 2013 at 10:42 am

You are my hero. That’s all.
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Chloe Jeffreys September 18, 2013 at 12:02 pm

The feeling is mutual!
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Emily September 18, 2013 at 9:43 am

I have a friend going through the “crush” thing right now and I told her that everybody goes through this at one time or another in their marriage…most of us don’t act on them, but obviously some do too. My “crush” situation was a little different (mine was an ex who was dying) so I wrote a memoir about it. I’m going to forward your posts to my friend though. I think she needs to read how you resolved yours.
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Chloe Jeffreys September 18, 2013 at 12:01 pm

Thank you, Emily.

There are many ways to handle this sort of thing. I think falling into unnecessary guilt and shame doesn’t really help much. I’m not sure that always telling your spouse is the right thing to do. It was in this case, but I think there are times when discretion really is the better part of valor.
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François Roland September 18, 2013 at 3:08 am

Hi Chloe,
First thanks for the warning but really, no children …. 🙂

The story you tell, I would call it “a classic”, but it still bring me to interesting reflections.

The very classic thing is what you did in front of this crush. I have know men doing exactly the same by the way. Unless we are in open marriages like I’ve been engaged in, the one coming with such confession to his or her spouse, is exactly saying this: “Please strictly forbid it to me” or in another version “protect me from what I want.” But the purpose is the same always the same: getting rid of temptation, cancelling the choice by burning one’s vessels. In short letting the cat out of the bag even before we had time to toy with the cat! 🙂

Do I get along with this way of dealing with it? It depends. If I take that this crush on a man out of your marriage was mainly linked to touching base with your fuckability and that no real desire was there, I would say you were right and maybe it was not even necessary to bring it to your hubby. Although there is a benefit to do so, because any husband will always be turned on with the fact that his wife triggers other men’s desire, and it seems like you had some illustration of it at once! 🙂

Now I would deal with it very differently if you felt a real attraction and desire for this man and wanted to know something of your woman’s sensuality through an affair with him. And there we come to what I say about it in Being French (chap. 2.5 – Novelty, Renewing a Sensual Relationship). I really think that in some moments of our lives we need to know something different about ourselves, including sensually. Whatever the good things we can have with a companion, there are some potential lovers who have the ability to bring us to some “new instances of ourselves” as I say in my book. Do we want to know these untapped parts of ourselves? The blunt question is there. I know that at some point I absolutely needed it, and even if it rocked the boat of my life as it never miss to do it, I don’t regret anything because should I have resign it, the man who talked to you in Being French wouldn’t even exist.
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Chloe Jeffreys September 18, 2013 at 11:57 am

In all honesty, I have no true interest in having sex with this man. I’m afraid that if I really wanted to do that then this post would never have been written. A different one, perhaps, but not this one.
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Elizabeth Lee September 18, 2013 at 12:41 am

Most married people get crushes. That’s one of the secrets of married life that my mama never told me. And now you and your husband have learned how to handle it. Confessing the attraction defuses it.

Besides, you didn’t really want Dr. Donut. Anybody who is starts giving the ol’ sparkle eyes to a married woman is a jerk.
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Chloe Jeffreys September 18, 2013 at 12:00 pm

Crushes are inevitable. They are natural and normal, and it is what we do with them that counts. I think why we crush on someone really says more about us than them because in a crush situation you’re really just projecting your fantasy onto another person. What is the crush telling you that you need is the question that should be asked. And sometimes all it is telling you is that you are looking for a little fantasy. Other times it may be telling you that there is something really missing in your life.

And you are right about Dr. Donut. Besides, like Tony Soprano, I would never shit where I eat.
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Kelly Roberts May 29, 2014 at 5:22 am

In my situation, I luckily found out what I needed through my “crush.” Unfortunately I found out too late. It’s been two years and things are so much better, on so many levels. But I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself even though I believe I’ve been forgiven, through actions if not those actual words.
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Chloe Jeffreys May 29, 2014 at 6:54 am

Thank you, Kelly, for commenting and sharing your wisdom. That’s why I think the other commenter who attempted to slut-shame me was so off the mark. Telling my husband WAS respecting him. It was respecting that he is a strong man able to take the truth. It was respecting that he’s a smart man, able to know what to do when I’m foundering. And it was respecting that he’s a very sexy man who knows what I like and what I need.

What could have become a “thing” between me and this other man became a thing between my husband and me. Since that time I’ve not thought once about this other man again, in that way. He lost all his allure when the secret was out.

I appreciate what you’ve been through. It could so easily have been how that could have gone for me.

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Chloe Jeffreys September 28, 2013 at 9:12 am

Me too. It’s okay if you didn’t like my post, or disagreed with my writing it. I appreciate your candor. One honest comment means more to me than 100 flattering ones that aren’t sincere. Of course, 100 sincerely flattering comments are always the best though!

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