Disclaimer: This post deals with the adult topic of how to pleasure a woman.
If you’re a man not into pleasuring your woman, or a woman not into being pleasured then that’s cool. (Although you need to know that I pity you.)
How to Stay Married
Ladies (and brave gentlemen), imagine my shocked delight, and, yes, trepidation, when Jeff recently surprised me with two tickets to a class on cunnilingus.
What could possibly be on his mind with this wild, bold, unexpected move? It wasn’t like I thought he needed lessons!
But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t seriously intrigued, and titillated. And scared. Because it’s not like we go around doing that sort of thing.
Nope. Not us. We aren’t kinks. We don’t go in for that sort of thing. We like to keep our sex life private from prying eyes. And besides, I was sure we’d already learned everything we needed to know about sex on the quad in junior high, like everybody else.
But there he was, handsome and beguiling, standing there with a sly smile, and two tickets to a class on Creative Cunnilingus clamped between his very white teeth. How could I resist?
The Little Man in the Boat
Now gentlemen, if you’re looking for a way to let your woman know that it is your ultimate goal to bring her extreme orgasmic pleasure before she dries up and dies, I’m not sure there’s a better place to start than by taking her to a class all about bringing more row to her little man in the boat.
(Psst. And if you’ve never heard of the “little man in the boat” you’ve come to the right blog post. The phrase “the little man in the boat” is a slang for the clitoris. Of course a man named it that otherwise it would have been called the little woman in the boat.)
As the class date neared, truth be told, I found myself feeling more anxious than titillated. Fraught with a sudden case of performance anxiety, I sort of didn’t want to go.
What weird people would take a class like that? I mean other than us?
What if we had a big fight in the middle of class and everybody knew that our sex life wasn’t perfect 100% of the time? Like everybody else’s is, I’m sure.
What if I felt awkward and uncomfortable. What if the teacher made us feel inadequate or embarrassed us?
What if we showed up and there was Show and Tell!?
Oh, so many thoughts ran through my nervous little mind.
We had an hour’s drive to get to the class which was held in our favorite little town in Oregon: ASHLAND! (cue the choir)
If you’ve never been to Ashland, Oregon, then you must go. I mean it. Like right now. Pack your bags and go there. It’s a veritable fantasyland for the middle-aged. And the perfect place to have a delicious dinner, and learn about cunnilingus.
The class was hosted by a little shop in Ashland called, Love Revolution. Love Revolution bills itself as a “sexuality boutique” that sells “artful gifts for the discerning lover.”
It’s a lovely store on the main strip of Ashland. You won’t find any creepy latex butts molded after the latest porn-star de jour, or scary men in long coats slinking around in the shadows. (Yeah, I’ve been to an adult store or two in my life.)
What you will find are two lovely owners (who appear completely normal) with a passion for helping people claim their sexual lives, and live them more sensually. (Pssst. They ship, too. Just sayin’)
I love this store because it is super woman-friendly. The front of the store carries romantic gifts and lingerie. And all the hardware is displayed tastefully behind a discreet screen in the back. (If you want to read what I have to say about sex toys click here.)
Right away the owners make you feel at home by answering any and all of your questions, or just leaving you the hell alone if that’s what you’d like instead.
It’s such a friendly place that I once took my daughter there while running an errand and introduced her around to the owners. She says that was embarrassing.
Okay, back to the class. I know that’s why you’re here.
As we climbed the stairs to the class I was quite nervous. I wanted to bolt. But when we turned into the room, what to my wondering eyes did a appear but a class filled with very normal people coming together to learn more about female pleasure.
Right away I noticed that the teacher, M. Makael Newby, has the whitest teeth on Planet Earth. Since everyone knows how much I like good teeth you know that I instantly liked her.
Her frank and humorous take on pleasuring a woman quickly reassured us both that we were in very good hands, and that we could trust that she wouldn’t take us anywhere we didn’t want to go.
The best part of the class–other than her completely adorable demeanor (and blindingly white teeth)–was Makael’s oversized satin vagina puppet! Go on. You know you want to click to see it! It’s safe. It’s Facebook.
With her puppet well in hand, Makael took us on a fascinating tour of the vulva. She talked about the fact that what we usually call the clitoris is really only the tip of the iceberg, and that the entire clitoris actually is a large as a man’s penis, with both as much erectile tissue, and as many nerve endings.
She talked about all the different “styles” of vaginas. Of course, as a labor and delivery RN, I already knew that every woman is different, and that no two flowers are exactly alike.
Isn’t it funny that we rejoice about no two snowflakes being alike, but expect all vaginas to be?
Her tips on g-spot stimulation were particularly interesting since I’ve never been a g-spot.sort of girl. (Until now!)
On the long drive home we had a chance to talk a lot about the class and what we learned. Talking is always a woman’s best aphrodisiac. I can promise you that my husband was handsomely rewarded for going above and beyond the call of a dutiful husband. Oh, I had a good time, too.
What about you? Would you go with your husband to a class like this? Do you want to hear what I learned about the g-spot?