Why Men Watch Porn

by Chloe Jeffreys · 304 comments

in Sex, Love and Marriage

why-men-look-at-pornI don’t remember the first time I was exposed to porn, but it must have been young because my little girl dream was to grow up and become a centerfold.

To be honest, I was too young to truly understand the appeal for men. All I knew was I wanted to grow up one day and look like those women so I too could have the same powerfully mesmerizing effect on men that they obviously had on my father.

Women and Self-Esteem

After leaving home–as a young, single, very sexually-active female in the 1970s–I rarely saw any porn. I was fortunate in that  my first serious lover was French. Who needs bad 1970s American porn, what with its well-hung pizza delivery guys and bad music soundtracks, when you have a real Frenchman in your bed?

I don’t remember why my next lover and I started watching porn together. I’m guessing it was probably just curiosity. A, “What is it that Debbie’s doing to Dallas, anyway?” sort of thing. Of course we had to see her sequel, Debbie Does the Rest of Texas [sic], and that is where the trouble probably began.

At first, porn was a fun occasional prelude, but then it became a frequent fixture. Since I considered porn something all men did, it didn’t bother me that he liked it. The truth is I enjoyed watching it, too.

That is until the night I glanced up and caught my lover looking intently over my naked shoulder at the people having sex on our little TV. Every ounce of feeling I had for him shriveled up and died in that instant. I got dressed, and we never had sex again. I walked out of that relationship knowing porn would never be an integral part of my future sex life with anyone else. I wasn’t against porn, per se, but I wasn’t going to have my mother’s life either. I’d be no man’s cypher.

I knew for certain my husband was a good ‘un when I saw him throw away a large box of porno videos dropped off on our front porch by a friend who was cleaning out his stash because he was getting married. I figured any man who could throw away that much porn without blinking an eye was a good bet.

Is Porn Dangerous?

Of course I know porn is dangerous. I saw the pain my mother felt in not living up to the fantasy women my father obsessed over. And I’d experienced the personal hurt a woman feels when it seems her lover is more interested in the woman on the screen than the woman in his arms.

But–while I didn’t want porn to become a part of my sex life with a man–it never occurred to me that men wouldn’t watch some porn. I just didn’t want to be with a man who watched a lot of it, or wanted to watch it with me.

What I mistakenly thought I had ended up with as a man who didn’t watch any porn, ever.

So imagine my shock when I discovered a few years ago, after many years of blissful unawareness, that my husband occasionally watches porn.

How Can I Trust My Husband?

My first reaction to the discovery of porn on my husband’s computer was a deep sense of betrayal. He says he lied because his porn watching has nothing to do with me, and he knew I’d feel unnecessarily hurt about it.

We had quite a long, loud “discussion” about the meaning of the word “unnecessarily”.

After the anger came my shame.

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Surely it must point to some inadequacy of mine that my husband felt the need to watch porn.

Certainly there must be something seriously wrong with him that needed immediate fixing.

And…

What would other women think?

So the first thing I did was make sure I didn’t tell any of my friends.

Alone with my discovery–all of my insecurities rushing in–I felt isolated and ashamed.

An Aging Crisis

I’m getting older. My skin isn’t as firm as it used to be. My breasts sort of sit and sag instead of perk and pout.

Of course my husband is looking at porn!

Of course he wants to see young thangs prancing, and sucking, and taking it everywhere with wild abandon.

Can we talk about it?

In writing this article today I felt many conflicting emotions. I know that there are many women out there worried about their husbands’ porn viewing. They wonder what it means. They are looking for help and support.

But I feared writing about this because I don’t want people to judge me, my husband, or my marriage.

Then I wondered how I can possibly help other women when I, myself, feel such shame and fear.

If we can, I’d like to have a discussion about men, women, and porn.

What are your experiences with porn? Do you think it is just a normal part of being a man? Would you be hurt if you found out your husband was viewing porn? Do you take it personally if your husband views porn? Do you think women make a much bigger deal about porn than they should? Is porn dangerous? And what should, or can, we women do about it?

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{ 303 comments… read them below or add one }

Juanita S Kockler February 19, 2017 at 7:23 pm

I am married to a man who is definitely a good man, at first it was just a thing , every now and then. Now it’s like Everytime we have sex. Now he watches porn but it’s women with animals. Should I be concerned?

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EatingTheSand January 19, 2017 at 9:17 am

As many boys, around when I turned 13 I started noticing girls in their many facets. I was very geeky and stupid (only ogling the hottest girl and missing that other, probably also geeky girl, that may have been noticing me).
Due to this it took until I was about 20 before I succesfully got together with a “real life girl/woman”.

In those 7 years the Internet was a way out for those sexual frustrations. We’d see eachother every weekend and more often than not it’d end “very steamy”. Porn consumption in my parental residence took a serious nosedive and I was a pretty happy comper :).

Until that relationship ended..
I was back to missing her voice, missing her annoying and less annoying traits, missing her hair, missing her skin touching mine, missing my hand running across her back….. 🙁 Porn spiked once more.

About 6 months later I got over it, accepted it. And I renewed my quest for female companionship. And some misfiring dates later I got to know the womand that would (eventually) become my wife.

She was a bit shier than me, but those first years she was a match for my libido. I’d be at her place more than at my house. I eventually moved in. Not long after I proposed confident that, while doubtlessly the frequency’d simmer down a bit, we’d never end up in that “once a year” thing I kept hearing about.

Fast forward to today: I love her. Boy do I love her. She’s my best friend. I can tell her anything. She’s smart, still shy and we match really well psychologically. She respects me even if I’m not the manliest man of all men all the time.
I also love every inch of her body. Even if she has more of them than a typical covergirl. Safe to say that, if skinny teenagers are the measure of hot, she’s wouldn’t be it and I don’t give a damn. I’m well-built, but still look geeky enough not to get too confident to call myself attractive. She seems to like the way I look, so I’ll believe her on that.

But still, we’ve ended up having less and less intimacy. The pressure of being a mom for two “special” children and her part-time job. Being the perfectionist that she is. It burns her up on so many occasions. By the time we get to bed she’s just pain tired.

Me, I have mental energy for both of us. It can be midnight and I’d still start watching Return of the King. Our son has ADHD and I’m probably the one he has to thank for that (although I can channel my energy a lot better than him). My job as an Engineer is 99% mental so I sit down a LOT. That means I have physical energy to spare as well. That energy has a sexual component which doesn’t have an outlet.

So I’m patient. I occasionally mention how our lack of “getting it on” is making me feel. She acknowledges it and finds it sad as well, but she feels that we shouldn’t force it. And I agree: If she’s not into it I might as well do it with a blow-up doll (an act that I find abhorrent).

But still that energy is there. I found that, if I didn’t do anything about it, I started turned everything into a sex thing. Jokes, groping her, references. She wasn’t enjoying that and it made her not WANT to “give in” out of fear that I’d harass her even more.

So I went back to porn. I didn’t harass her, help her as much as I could and let nature take it’s course.

And every x months, in bed she’d draw me close to her and we’d have awesome steamy sexy time. She’d very clearly enjoy the experience and make me think “maybe this time things will start picking up”.

But they didn’t. And x started to go up. At this moment, after 13 years of marriage, I still love her. And if I had the chance I’d be all over her every other day (give her some time to rest 🙂 ). But that’s not possible.

I don’t want anyone else. Occasionally I try to imagine myself cheating on her. Get it out. And I’m mortified by the thought. Not only would she be heartbroken, but I’d definately lose her. I can feel my heart acking while typing it and I hope to God she never reads this. Or if she does, that she understands how hard it is for me to write it.

So I watch porn instead.

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EatingTheSand January 19, 2017 at 9:24 am

So many typo’s.. Is there an edit function? 🙂

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Kacey January 19, 2017 at 9:55 am

Thank you for sharing. If my husband was feeling this way, this bad, and he didn’t want to watch porn, I would want to know. How he was feeling. You are a jewel! My therapist recommends prefacing the things we are afraid to say with: “I want to talk with you about something that is really important to me and to our relationship. I am afraid to tell you about it because I am afraid of seeming __(insert feeling here: selfish?)___ so here it goes:” Then just say it. I would just show hey the post you put up here. It was amazing and beautiful! Or say something like “I understand that our needs are different. I need to be sexually active more often than you do. Is there any way we can make that happen? Because not having sex with you hurts my heart—I have a need to be physically close to you in this way. Maybe we can work as a team to make this happen. Maybe you need ectra help with the kids. Maybe we should pay your little sister to babysit twice a week fir an hour. Maybe you need me to help clean house or make dinner and lunches so you have more time for me. (1 hour on this day in exchange for 1 hour of intimacy with you). When we don’t have sex every other day, I feel (__enter feeling word, neglected, sexually frustrated?__) I live you.”
Be very specific about your needs and talk to her with the mindset that she does care about your needs and she does want to do a good job being your partner.

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EatingThesand January 19, 2017 at 12:04 pm

Maybe I wasn’t clear enough on certain points.

She knows what my needs are on this. It makes her feel somewhat inadequate and I hate that, but we’re working on changing things. I help out where I can to get her more breathing room (but I have a very demanding job which enables her to work parttime). She tries to be less perfectionist about things. e.g.:
– We’ve started using more babysitters (even though she hates letting strangers in the house, we prefer to keep family for emergencies) so we can have evenings for ourselves. We take classes together on how to better parent kids with special needs. I mentioned that I like the time they give us together.
– She spends less energy on preparing meals (even though she LOVES cooking).

She knows I infrequently visit porn sites, but I don’t want to smear it in her face. That’d just confront her again with that feeling of inadequacy.

MOST of all I don’t want to mention to her the “hypothetical scenario” I ran in my head about cheating. She has a hard time thinking in hypotheticals unless they’re prefaced at every step and it’d just unnessarily sadden her. That’s why I don’t want her to find this post.

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nedim demirovic January 4, 2017 at 10:22 am

I’m certainly glad that, as a man, I’ve lived long enough to sample the infinite erotic pleasures of the Internet porn. Men are intrinsically promiscuous – hence the existence of harems for those whose cultures and finances allow them to have them. Men are not too selective or finicky about their sex partners, and they’re also turned on visually. If they see dozens of desirable females on the street, they’re ready to jump into bed with each and every one of them immediately. The Internet enables boys and men to have inexhaustible sources of virtual girls, women, and matrons in all their glorious bodily and gynecological detail from all over the world in HD quality photography or video. Anyone who has a computer should never be excused for not being able to please a female partner sexually with all this info available to them. Therefore, women should welcome this new wonderful medium too.

The only drawback is that many men, given a chance to browse and masturbate at will, will spend inordinate amounts of time doing it, and this takes time away from more productive pursuits. I’d be willing to make a wild guess and posit that one explanation for a rapid takeover of public life by women, besides their worthy qualities, is the fact that so many men have left the fray, satisfied with their new toy that brings them a long-dreamed-of sexual heaven-on-earth even if it’s only virtual.

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Lisa November 3, 2016 at 4:52 pm

So I recently found out or have suspected or a long time that my boyfriend masterbates a lot or has a porn addiction. I always want to have fun time and he never initiates it. I’m always being rejected when I want to have sex. I stopped initiating for awhile but then he never asked, we went three weeks. We are both in our early 30’s. So I started browsing through this internet history, and there’s porn for days and every day. It will be like ” history channel, yahoo, email, porn, yahoo, porn, yahoo etc. I tried to say something but he gets mad or Denys it. He also says it’s none of my business but we live together and I’m just trying to have a functional sexual relationship. I’m fit and wanting to have all types of enjoyable sex and different experiences but he Denys me. What should I do? He recently got some type of T booster but why if we still never have sex? Help

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Martin November 3, 2016 at 6:02 pm

Hey Lisa, I did a 2 responses to Elizabeth below covering just this issue. Her man flat out admitted he had an addiction, and the fact that your man is rejecting your advances pretty much tells the story: He has a porn ADDICTION. Realize, you are fighting a MONSTER. You really are, and as such, it might do you well to make peace with the idea that you are going to have to go to some EXTREME measures to beat this monster.

Your guy denies it and gets mad. Perfectly normal. Unless a man has a hormone deficiency, or is a religious zealot, he is going to masturbate. It is not socially acceptable, so boys/men hide and deny it. (And yes, we DO know how silly it is to deny it, even when we get caught, but we will STILL deny it, AND, expect you to accept our denial.) It is also likely his oldest and dearest form of sex. Especially in todays society, where divorce rates are so high, it is kind of hard mentally for a man to entrust his sexual life to a partner that may be gone soon enough. But these are worries for a normal guy. Your guy is already in a deep hole.

The Hormone Connection: When people orgasm, it releases a Bonding Hormone. In relationships men tend to be more affected. They Bond quicker than women. Men often fixate on a certain porn star, or a certain type of woman, petite short haired blondes, brunettes with full breasts and hips, tiny girls with mosquito bite breasts. These fixations come and go. But there is an overall fixation with sexual satisfaction through either pictures and/or video. Sitting at a computer and being satisfied. So now the man is Bonding to his computer screen.

Here is one ABSOLUTE: You HAVE to get your man to start having orgasms with you. This HAS to happen so that he starts bonding more strongly with you.

How to make Bonding happen. This is where different approaches comes in.

One method I think you should absolutely try, at least on a Friday or Saturday night, is the middle of the night sneak attack. Let’s say you go to bed around midnight. By 3 am, the male body has had enough rest to be fully ready for sex. A lot of men LOVE the middle of the night f*ck, and then back to sleep. He is unlikely to get up and run away, as he still needs to get back to sleep. This is not the most romantic type of sex for a woman, but remember, at this point, you NEED him to orgasm with YOU.

Another, even more aggressive tactic is to stalk the sob when he is taking a shower. Attack him when he gets out and tell him he isn’t going anywhere until he comes. Or climb into the shower with him. Make sure he cums.

After doing 1 and 2 a bit, gauge for progress. Has it brought about some normal sex? If so, this shows he is responding, and you want to go to the next stage. Tell him that masturbating is OK. Tell him you know it is a private thing, and that you respect that. Tell him that him doing it ALONE is ok, but that once in a while, you want to watch and participate. NOW, you are invading porns’ territory!!!!! Again, if you can get him to take some of that visual stimulation from the screen, but orgasm with YOU, you steal some of porns’ thunder. And it is another bonding opportunity.

Work the mutual porn thing for a while, while keeping up with the sneak attacks, for 3 or 4 months. If your sex in general starts to pick up, keep with the program for another 4 months. If regular sex still seems to be hard to get to, start presenting yourself naked to him at random times, when you know he is not actually busy with something. Especially like after a TV show that he likes. Slip off to the restroom at the last commercial break, and come back naked. If he liked the show, he’ll be in an up mood, take advantage of that. Then at some point you want to point out that excessive porn and masturbating has a negative effect on real sex, and that he would have more fun if he cut back some.

Now, if you are saying right now, are you freaking CRAZY? I’m not going to do that, well, then, you have two choices. Have a very unsatisfying relationship, or move on. Remember again, you are truly fighting a monster. If you want to win, you gotta fight hard. 🙂

Also note that for a while, you will be providing almost all of the pleasure for you. You aren’t looking for your pleasure….. yet. But for starters, all that matters is getting him to orgasm with you. Make the sneak attacks all about HIS pleasure. If/when this sparks normal sex, then let it be a two way street. But especially in the beginning, it is primarily about him orgasming with you. Or in the case of you and him watching his porn together, YOU stealing the credit by being the one who finishes him off. You are using a trick, human biology and hormones, to win this battle.

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Elizabeth October 25, 2016 at 2:33 pm

I recently moved in with my boyfriend, already being aware of his porn use. He was up front about his addiction, of which I’m thankful. When he told me, I thought to myself that I would be able to handle it.
I mean, I’m not innocent. I’ve watched porn on many occasions… When I was single.
But now that I’m in a committed relationship, I felt as though I didn’t need it anymore.

I now know, I’m very uncomfortable about him watching it while I’m here. It makes me feel hurt knowing he’s watching and masturbating while I’m readily always available for sex.
It makes me feel like I’m not good enough or sexy enough for him.
He assures me this is not the case. Using the same old line “It’s not about you” thing. He reminds me how attracted he is to me and how much he loves me every single day. And yet, I just can’t shake the feeling of being hurt and confused.

I’ve offered to watch with him, but he doesn’t want me to.

Any advice on how to cope? How to accept this and possibly ways to learn to be okay with it?

He’s the love of my life and I’ll always fight for us…

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Martin October 25, 2016 at 7:51 pm

Hey Elizabeth. So he actually is aware that he has an addiction. That is a pretty bold admission. What you did not mention, and perhaps you do not know yet is, does he intend to address the addiction? When I was married, I was not at addiction level. Just occasional. I did not become addicted until some years after divorce. You say you want to get in there and fight, so I’ll float an idea. Firstly, somehow, you need to bring up the subject in a non-threatening way. Perhaps you could lead by saying that occasional porn viewing is OK. It broadens a persons’ sexual horizons, which it actually does, and with a lot of men, it is simply a habit that they may keep for life. However, excessive porn viewing and masturbation has definite bad effects on the brain. Google NoFap for info. Tell him you would like to have an active sex life and that you would like to help ease him off excessive porn watching.

Controlling the Frame. What is a Frame? Think of an interaction between two people. Take a manager and a worker. Typically, a Manager is controlling the frame with the worker. The Manager is giving instructions, setting schedules, asking questions, and the worker is mostly following the lead of the Manager. I realized something a few months back while doing some reading in some Master/Slave forums. I had never been a Master within a sexual Frame. And I think that is generally the rule, possibly for many men. The man is typically concerned with getting pleasure, but giving it also. So I always fade in and out of “being completely in charge”. I never just went door to door, this is what I want, give it to me, and that was it. I was always in a give and take mode. Being completely selfish within a Sexual Frame can be difficult given current cultural norms. But with Porn, the man does control the Frame. Whether he is looking at pictures or a video, he can take off with his imagination and create the Sexual Frame that suits his fancy. And he does not have to ask permission to do it, and no one will judge him or refuse him on a request.

So….. what I am hinting at is that you propose that you suggest a course of action to where YOU substitute for some of his porn use. Now, let me make clear, that NORMALLY you and porn are not in competition. You really are not. But mild porn+masturbation is the oldest, and possibly, dearest part of a mans’ sexual life. It IS separate from yourself. But in your case, I am guessing you are a newer couple, and he has already admitted to porn addiction, action DOES need to be taken. The PMO cycle, PornMasturbationOrgasm cycle, really does have to brought back down to a reasonable level. So stepping up the REAL sex life is likely in order. And one way to “compete” a bit is to offer him total Frame control sex at designated times. Sometimes, you make love. Mutual pleasuring. But other times, he is simply yours to use. Try probing him for some fetish or kink stuff and bring it to life for him.

So, just a suggestion. Realize that addiction level PMO is REAL addiction, little different from drug or alcohol addiction. His system, primarily his brain needs the hyper stimulation of porn, not to mention the simple habitual use of time that he is used to dedicating to porn. So, lots of physical contact is good, as it releases endorphins of its’ own, more sex, more novel sex and possibly allowing him full Frame control at times, can help ease him away from the artificial to the real. So, in a sense, you do need to compete against porn, in a physical sense. But don’t let the notion that you are competing with it on an emotional sense enter your head. His love for porn is just an animal relationship, not emotional. Though he could THINK he is in love with a certain porn star, don’t be fooled or concerned. This is just a function of the chemicals released at time of orgasm. It release bonding hormones. Remember this. The more orgasms he has with YOU the more he will bond with YOU.

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Martin October 25, 2016 at 8:27 pm

Oops. In the Frame control paragraph, I meant to say YOU are his to use. I said it backwards. I said he is yours to use. But hey, that might be worth a try too, LOL.

And another thought. I know you said he does not want you there when he PMO’s. But you could keep trying on that. There is a psychological, or is it hypnotic, term called anchoring. What this is is essentially creating an association. I mentioned Orgasm. It releases bonding chemicals in the man. So, if he is masturbating to whomever, if you are there at the end, perhaps with your face between his legs at climax, he sees you, the chemicals are released, and you get the “bonding” effect. You will have hijacked the bonding effect from image on the screen that your man does not know and will likely never meet, and you have used this moment to get him to bond more to you. Tricky if you can pull it off, but this is based on sound science. Sorry for the graphic images, but, remember, this is a serious, difficult problem. If a woman wants to win this battle, she has to really pull out the stops to get the job done. And knowing how to use a mans’ own orgasm to give her a leg up is good info to have.

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AlloveCa October 1, 2016 at 11:50 pm

Actually,I am gay.But to me,if I have a husband,I won’t watch any porn.Because the sex with my husband my LOVE is much more comfortable than watch the loveless because I need my heart accept first or I can’t let me in it(the right feeling situation).(Actually,I really really feel 100 times better even to my husband’s pic than watch porn,because I need my heart accept first and feel decent)But distrusted me and leaved.I have to watch porn.I would prefer the comic because that let me feel I am of no sin.I am not bad but I must need it.I feel I am weak(I mean empty) of my body and need the man to let it complete but I need my heart accept the man(first).What should I do?oh.

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Nami September 19, 2016 at 5:13 pm

Hello. I have been reading a lot off articles on “Why men watch porn?” My fiance watches porn occasionally and I feel awful every time I catch him. Unless I find a way out, I would destroy myself and our relationship.

Many women are suffering in the same way and many men say the same things, “it is nothing to be hurt about and women should just get it. ” It may be true, but for women, it is just as hard for men to understand why we are hurt to the point we want to break up by their action. So there seems to be really no end to this unless you are willing to step out of your box and look at the situations calmly, and ask yourself if it’s worth spending energy on. Look at all the other good quarities in your relationship. Would you be happy if only he stopps watching porn? Or are there other issues?

I have been with my fiance for 5 years and I spent enough time, maybe too long on this exhausting issue and I want to stop it for good. My fiance says that it is addiction and it is for him to deal with and not my business. It sounded cold at that moment, but now I understand a little more. Nobody wants to be nagged about his/her private issues. Do you have a habit that you wish to stop?? or, you are not sure if you can quit? or it maybe something that is so personal that you don’t even think about quitting? Don’t you think it is very difficult to make a commitment and say you will completely stop? Don’t you want to quit because YOU want to and not because you are told to do so? Or can you forgive yourself for not being perfect when you start your habit again?? Most importantly do you want your business to be others’ issues? This may not be a good example if you don’t have any habits.

I keep telling myself, “I have a choice in how I want to look at it.” It is hard to stop men from watching porn especially after the Internet became so prevailing. Now it is women who have to find ways to cope with the modern environment we live in. I am still struggling, but asking men for answers doesn’t seem to help. No matter what they say, women are not going to be satissfied with their answers. Well,, at least I am not.

However, I have to agree to somethings what Martin says. “A little porn is like a little liquor. Not a big deal. It is when it becomes excessive that there is a problem. So don’t try and perfect your man. Love him, and keep an eye out for REAL trouble.”

Well, I know for women, this IS the real trouble, but really?

As long as you feel loved in other areas, it may not be a problem at all.

For women “sex means love” and we think watching porn must mean the same to men. And that is the most painful part, isn’t it? Our ways of expressing love may simply be very different…

Sorry if it was hard to understand my English….

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Martin September 19, 2016 at 5:43 pm

Nami: A few small grammar errors, but very understandable.
YES YES YES. You DO have a choice on how you look at things. Brain Maps. Your view, that this is very bad, and it is an insult, and hurtful to you is based on a “Map”, or a way of looking at things that is unique to womans brain. A mans’ Brain “Map” is different. His occasional porn viewing is completely separate from you. So, if you consider that a man views this differently, then it is easier for a woman to come to terms with it. His porn viewing, and masturbation, is also his oldest and most private sexual habit. It is also his one biggest secret. It is SEPARATE from you, and also, was there long before you were. He does not want porn more than you, but he is not going to give it up completely either.
If your relationship is good, do not make an issue of this. Before, you did not know about it. Now you know about it. But you also know it is not a threat to you, or done to make you feel bad. It is just, pretty much, every mans’ oldest sex habit. Leave it alone, and have a good relationship.

Sex and Love. There are 3 parts of the brain. The oldest is the Paleo Cortex, or Reptile Brain. It handles basic instincts: fight or run, eat or not, and the SEX drive. The next newer part of the brain is the Limbic System. It handles emotions. The newest part of the brain is the Neo Cortex, and it handles conscious thought, logic, and lying. You can see that sex involves the reptile brain and the emotions. Now women are very emotional. We all know that. That is why women associate sex and love closely. But, it is the Reptile Brain that gives us ALL our sex drive. Masturbating to porn is a Reptile Brain activity for a man. Just a primal urge. A mans’ sex with his woman is more. It is the primal urge AND the emotional component. Men don’t LOVE porn. They are simply satisfying there primal urge for sex. Porn also allows a man to explore PURELY animal satisfaction that he may be embarrassed to ask for with a girlfriend/wife. That is to say, just pure sex, without feeling. I know I have NEVER had pure animal sex with a woman. Where I shut off the other minds, and simply concentrate on animal sex. I am inhibited from doing it with a real woman. But I have no inhibitions thinking in a purely animal way when looking at porn. That is why there is porn that seems very cold and unfeeling. We don’t WANT feeling, just animal sex. A man would have to have an awkward conversation with his woman to arrange for occasional pure animal sex, and get her approval to do it from time to time.

So, the animal sex a man experiences with porn does not have the emotional component that lovemaking with you has.

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Michelle September 13, 2016 at 4:31 pm

Hello all,
My husband and I have been married for just over one year. Let me just start by saying that I relate very much to the article written as I also saw porn at a young age desired to be “sexy” to please men and also watched porn myself for pleasure. It wasn’t until watching the movie Don Juan (about a porn addict) and reading up on the foundation that was created to educate people about the porn industry. Now being a more mature woman and realizing seduality isn’t something that should be bought I decided I would never view porn again. Seriously, have you read about how many of those female actresses are treated. The industry is not sexy or erotic. It is absolutely horrifying and degrading. If sex wasn’t so taboo in this country maybe PEOPLE (not just men master bate or watch porn by the way) wouldn’t turn to this disgusting outlet for sexual relief. Anyway, I discovered the other night that my husband watches porn on occasion and like all of you felt the same feelings first anger and distrust then shame and sadness and just so many questions about our relationship. Im no longer angry but I have no sexual desire towards him. He is my best friend and I love him so it’s not that I am mad with him or even judging him. I just dont see how it’s fair to say that porn is a part of male sexuality…I dont believe that to be true. I feel that I actually have a higher sex drive then my husband and often crave sex more then him. It hurt me to know that he once watched porn after we had sex a couple of times and he “was still horny”. I don’t see why he wouldn’t come to me to have real sex consisering I am usually up for the act. He became very upset with me when I first brought this up a few days ago and said he wasn’t proud of it…so how can I be angry with him. I have also done things that I am not proud of. I guess I am wondering if some of the problems in our sex life such as me wanting more sex and sometimes feeling rejected by him come from his use of porn. Would he really rather get off to a screen then a real woman? I have to believe in my heart of hearts that not all men are like this.
Wishing you all peace, love and clarity. You are not alone.
Michelle

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Matin September 14, 2016 at 12:50 am

Michelle, you stumbled into a private part of your mans’ life. And yes, men have parts of their lives that are private. Even from you. ESPECIALLY from you. It is the one of the most widely know “secrets” that boys start masturbating to pictures or videos from a young age. If this was unknown to you, well, now you know.

Re Your Sex issues. First thing to do is de-couple the porn issue from your sex life. Unless porn is excessive, it is not an issue with your sex life. When porn is excessive, you sex life will be non-existent, and your relationship will be in poor shape as well. His porn viewing is nothing for you to be angry about, or a reason for you to distrust him, no reason for shame or sadness, and CERTAINLY no reason to lose sexual interest in your man. I mean, you are a woman. You wanted to have your big emotional blowout. Well, you’ve had it. Time to come back to reality and handle things in a more rational fashion.

First, apologize for making a big deal about what you stumbled onto. Apologize for making a big deal of it. But what about his shame? He may be ok with this or not. But regardless of which it is, he told YOU he is ashamed because it was what you wanted to hear. Porn is a fun little secret we carry from boyhood to manhood. We don’t want our women involved in it, unless you get a kink thing going. And you are not involved in it. It is not a reflection on you unless your relationship is really in the shitter, in which case it is about you.

And, unless you really WANT to put your relationship in the shitter, better rediscover your sexual desire for your man. And those other sex issues you mentioned are unrelated and you need to address that separately.

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Natesnotdagr8 September 14, 2016 at 3:12 pm

This is the worst advice I’ve ever heard. Clearly you are a mysoginistic male with addiction that gets your lifelong guilt issues coddled by berating people who don’t buy into the crap you fling to ease your conscience . For the women who had to read that garbage I opologize on behalf of healthy males who recognize porn as the relationship killer it can be.

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Martin September 14, 2016 at 4:59 pm

Natesnotdagr8, Well, you are in luck, as the advice was not for you. 🙂

Now excessive porn is very destructive. To relationships and to the person caught up in it. Mild, occasional use, in the grand scheme of things, is not horrible. I used a great analogy a week ago. It is like occasional alcohol consumption. A few drinks now and then is not a big deal. But it has the potential to become a big deal. Just like porn. It HAS the potential to become a big deal. But a woman overreacting to a little bit carries its’ own destructive power, and emotional price.

Any woman I “advise” is certainly free to keep mistrusting their man, berating him, withholding sex from him. LOL. I am just pointing out, you have already done that, and where did it get you? Now here is another way to look at things, and a different course of action.

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Michelle September 15, 2016 at 3:03 pm

Martin, I read your comments.
My husband and I had a very grown up conversation and moved passed whatever was bogging me down emotionally.
I can somewhat understand what you are saying as someone who has watched porn herself I can understand that really has nothing to do with my feelings and desires towards my husband.
My question for you is do you really believe that every man watches porn? Honestly, because from some other sources who treat this issue as something that is not “ok” or normal part of male sexuality they state that not all men do watch porn…
Also, the http://fightthenewdrug.org/ is endorsed by many male activists who agree that porn does in fact kill love and relationships.
Here is a clip from one article on the site:
Porn doesn’t do any favors for the user’s partner, either. Since so much of men’s porn is only about what the man wants while ignoring anything about what’s good for a woman or a relationship, wives and girlfriends often end up feeling like their partner doesn’t really value them. [16] Many partners of porn users end up depressed, anxious, and feeling like they can never measure up. [17]
I understand your stance which is their is a difference between an addiction and an occasional viewing. Do you think that a man who doesn’t watch any porn if that man actually does exist out there is healthier and more capable of love then a man who watches some porn?

I am not here to berate you. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I am open minded enough to see that sometimes my own reactions may not be logical or rational and there are other ways to solve problems.

Martin September 15, 2016 at 5:16 pm

Michelle…. Berate me? No, not at all. You reply was well thought out and you brought some good points. Not feeling bogged down emotionally… that is great. Usually a big hurdle. Often, as you can read in the many other posts, men are very defensive about being confronted about this, so when a woman then tells him he hurt her, that fact is a tough sell as the man is already offended, defensive, and likely embarrassed/ashamed. *I* realize you are hurt, be he is not in a good frame of mind to realize, or be sympathetic to that. You have stumbled into a PRIVATE part of his life. Private from ME??? Yes, private from you. The men who engage in this just a little would be perfectly happy to have a long happy marriage, do what they do, and have you NEVER EVER find out about it. Also realize, you and porn are NOT in competition.

All Men Watch? Virtually all men have watched, a high percentage have masturbated to it. (Realize I am not just talking about Porn, but nude, or even semi nude, or even fetish pictures fully clothed. Essentially, some form or Erotica.) And many men will hang onto that first little part of their sexuality for life. This will happen in little bit, harmless, or it can get excessive, very harmful. My guesstimate is 80-90% of men do this. Most all will HIDE this, as it is generally seen as taboo.

There is another group, NoFap, that I think is better in my opinion than fightthenewdrug. FTND is politicizing and berating, and pandering to the erroneous perception of women, that they are in competition with porn. That, in my opinion, is wrong, and very hurtful. I am always here, and will always try and dispel the notion that YOU are in competition with porn. You are not. It is like the mail room of a company. You are in one cubbyhole, porn is in another. Now if you relationship is in a particularly bad state, then yes, that can drive a man to porn more. But in mild cases, you are NOT in competition with porn. You are one thing, and porn is its’ own separate thing. This is a HUGE distinction that a woman NEEDS to get over her feeling of hurt.

Does a no porn man exist, and does he love better. They are out there, though, not really. And no. They do not love better. ???? The guys that I have seen that are staunchly against porn, even something as mild a nude pictures, are really VERY tightly wound individuals. They are fighting a mighty battle against their inner urges. They are brittle, and eventually do end up breaking after all that. So, I have to say no, though, that is just what I have seen.

There is, I sense, a little undercurrent in you asking about a no porn man. That being, should I dump my man and look for a no porn man, or, should I endeavor to turn my man into a no porn man? My answer would be no to both. You are now aware of this. You have been told that a little bit is not a big deal, and that this is NOT a reflection on you. Now, just let it go, BUT, keep your eyes open. Look for signs of it increasing, and look for signs of your man pulling away. These are the signs that things are escalating to that “Bad” level. A little porn is like a little liquor. Not a big deal. It is when it becomes excessive that there is a problem. So don’t try and perfect your man. Love him, and keep an eye out for REAL trouble.

annoymous January 15, 2017 at 8:06 pm

Porn is available 24/7, giving the impression women.are available 24/7,always available, always up for it, sex objects.
If your man watches porn, most of the young men on probation who take drugs (instant orgasms) age twenties can no longer get off with their girlfriends as porn is so freely widely available to young boys. They Porn is available 24/7, giving the impression women.are available 24/7,always available, always up for it, sex objects.
If your man watches porn, most of the young men on probation who take drugs (instant orgasms) age twenties can no longer get off with their girlfriends as porn is so freely widely available to young boys. They have to have her act in a manner similar to porn.

Plus it saves all “the hassle” of having to go.through the motions with their partners when they can just get off on porn far more.

Quicker, without your involvement. The advice to get a man back is up to each individual. However sounds like you are going to have to.act like a whore/porn star and feel worthless. With no effort on the man’s part…..
Relationships are suffering as why would men want committment sex porn is so freely widely available, maybe you are just like a mother figure? Sorry to be so brutal but men are in partnerships no longer wanting or going.out of their way to please/love their partner.
Sexual offences are high as is rape most of these sexual offenders are caught with extreme amounts of porn! (not all men who watch porn obviously are offenders)
But what you watch with your eyes you cannot undo, all that men watch is on their brains/minds no wonder they are selfish and pay no attention to their partner depriving them of their love and affection. Very difficult.to respect a man who sits and “wanks” to porn…sorry to be crude BUT a woman would need to respect a man

have to have her act in a manner similar to porn.

Plus it saves all “the hassle” of having to go.through the motions with their partners when they can just get off on porn far more.

Quicker, without your involvement. The advice to get a man back is up to each individual. However sounds like you are going to have to.act like a whore/porn star and feel worthless. With no effort on the man’s part…..
Relationships are suffering as why would men want committment sex porn is so freely widely available, maybe you are just like a mother figure? Sorry to be so brutal but men are in partnerships no longer wanting or going.out of their way to please/love their partner.
Sexual offences are high as is rape most of these sexual offenders are caught with extreme amounts of porn! (not all men who watch porn obviously are offenders)
But what you watch with your eyes you cannot undo, all that men watch is on their brains/minds no wonder they are selfish and pay no attention to their partner depriving them of their love and affection. Very difficult.to respect a man who sits and “wanks” to porn…sorry to be crude BUT a woman would need to respect a man

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Jessica September 13, 2016 at 6:35 am

ok here we go…i have been with my husband for 21 years…and i was his first yes yes ppl he was a virgin…well here is a little about us we have 6 children 5 are his 1 is not…now for the last 16 years we have went on hardly any sex from 4 to 6 months at a time…he had gained a considerable amount of weight but that didnt matter to me in the least bit i just wanted to be with him in fact i desired it so much so i would cry myself to sleep cause he kept rejecting me time and time again i would change things up make passes pulled every trick out of my hat i could hell i even did research…well 4 1/2 months ago i more or less gave him an ultimatum so to speak…i had to be honest with him…i was suffering in many different ways and extremely lonely ( we were even sleeping in different room for 2 1/2 yrs) so when i spoke i was firm with him with my heart on my sleeve…i told him i love him with my everything but something had to give real QUICK (there was no sex and no spending time with me or the kids he was always hiding in his room) I said i didnt want to go else were but if it didnt change i was going to have to ask for an open marriage ( not for just sex for a companion ) well i guess he woke up and smelt the coffee he started spending more time with me and the kids and sex we started having lots of sex (totally not complaining) then i noticed from time to time there was porn on his laptop and i questioned him on it he said it was for strictly educational purposes ( we dont need education we have porn sex for god sakes) but i noticed recently again now porn photos of other women…i must say the feelings of inadequacy has resurfaced…he says one thing and shows another “your all i need and want” ummm if im all he needs or wants then wtf is up with the photos…and he himself throws a fit if he catches me watching a movie with one of my favorite actors…oh ya i didnt say he lost 116 lbs and lifts weights on a regular basis now…i thought we were happy but clearly he is missing something im not giving…if i even remotely bring up go out there and he is repulsed that i would even suggest a thing….WHAT MAN WOULDNT TAKE THAT OFFER…not like it was a trap to say get the hell out…i was serious but he also know i would make him go threw a battery of tests before even sleeping with me again…momma dont want std…but instead i find porn time and time again and he lies about it…..all i ask for is honesty if you cant be honest then i tend to cut myself off emotionally towards that person…and there are other things that i havent said…i have allowed him to sell my panties on the internet…so he could get his porn fix ( totally not even me im a quite to myself and always fully covered) so wtf is his problem i mind my body being out there for the dam world to see…but he needs porn?!?!?!?! i have gone way out of my element with this whole dam panty thing just to try and give him what he wants…advice?

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Martin September 13, 2016 at 5:46 pm

Jessica, I am a recovering porn addict. Not occasional user, ADDICT. Brace yourself, I am going to beat on you some. You have a man that was going down the tubes. 116lbs overweight, no sex drive and the separate bedroom thing, and you got to a point where he re-engaged with the family, and with you, and you are having a lot of sex. Do you have ANY FUCKING IDEA how fortunate you are? ANY FUCKING IDEA? You have been married as you say, 21 years. Your story, up to the lots of sex part, is a miracle that you should be thankful for everyday.

Before I beat on you some more, and I am, let’s tackle the you vs porn issue. There IS no issue. It is not you vs porn. Never has been. Never will be. Your mans’ “relationship” with porn is SEPARATE from you. That is how men see it. Believe me, I am a man. YOU need to adjust your thinking on this. Or don’t and be miserable.

The male desire for more than one woman is strong. It likely traces back to our primate roots, and an alpha male social structure. Our social structure is based on monogamy. Barring actual physical infidelity, count your blessings that his desire for an alpha males status, that of having multiple females, is satisfied by a little porn.

Now, back to your beating. Are you fucking kidding me? You will put your husband through a battery of tests before having sex with him again? Gee, I wonder how HE will feel after that. I bet he will have a boner that just won’t quit. NOT. Treat him like a fucking child, like a criminal, and you will then think he could get a hard on for you?

Advice. You want advice. Here it is. APOLOGIZE YOU ASS OFF. Tell him how wrong you were overreacting to a “little” porn. I mean, during the time you were sleeping separate, he was likely an addict. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET OVER A PORN ADDICTION. But he did it, for you, got in shape, for you, re-engaged with the family, for you. And after all of that, you want to fuck things up, and flush it all down the toilet because of your FEMALE EGO. If you do that, you are some kind of bat shit crazy. Apologize, and mean it, and get back to your good sex, and count your blessings that you ever got back to good sex at all. Your case is not rocket science. Or be a controlling IDIOT, and drive your husband away. Remember, he is in shape now. He can go stick it somewhere else.

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Jessica September 13, 2016 at 7:33 pm

Lmao…I actually don’t mind someone speaking truth it’s rather really refreshing…now for a correction you clearly misunderstood…I said I was going to offer him to go be with another woman for a fling if that’s what he wanted……BUT the testing would be for sexually transmitted diseases…lol…I’m not by far going to chance getting an std if he chose to do as such….no biggie…control oh hell no momma don’t play that game…he can do what he wants when he wants..he is no child by far…we had a discussion when he came home from work about this said porn….let’s put it this way his computer has a virus and a weird box pops up and porn is there…I actually witnessed it sitting near him and we laughed once we looked in the history…he said if this was the oh Simpson case he would need his defence team cause it wasn’t a battle he could win…lmao til I saw it myself..he knows I’m fine if he looks at porn not a big deal to me it’s whatever I….what I mind is it being a secret if that’s what he did on his own…he knows I’m super easy to get along with and if ever wants to do something new I’m game cause it’s about keeping him happy…and fyi if I don’t like it don’t get done again… ?

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Martin September 13, 2016 at 7:44 pm

Jessica: Ohhhh. STD testing. Not a controller. Well bless your Heart, LOL. As for the secret thing: Men have been keeping this little secret since we were boys. Force of habit. Not to mention it is fun to have a naughty little secret. Best wishes to you and your hubby.

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Jessica September 13, 2016 at 7:56 pm

Lmao…yes dirty secrets can be fun…and thank you

Chloris September 11, 2016 at 8:34 am

To my peers:

I recommend listening to podcasts about relationships. I have been listening to Dear Sugar Radio on NPR (eposides: 2truths and many lies, should i stay or should i go, infidelity with esther perel,etc.) and have felt so empowered and reassured by their analysis of how to deal with relationship problems. This website post has been empowering too—reading all of your responses, I realize that I am NOT crazy for feeling bad that my partner watches pornography. Thank you all!

What I have been realizing is that our male partners will most likely never stop watching porn—no matter how much it hurts us. Therefore, it must be true that men NEED to watch porn. Maybe porn brings more happiness to their lives than we do. Even if you ask your partner to be open about porn, from what your posts are telling me, men are too ashamed or too private to share that information with their partners/wives. If you knew the truth about your partner, you might leave him or you might remain in a dissatisfying relationship with him. For your husband/partner, he needs to find a way to keep you interested in the relationship and keep you happy (and for you to be happy, you must not know that he watches porn). Basically, men need partners/wives AND they need porn, and they are willing to deceive you so that they can get what they need.

Perhaps we can do some kind of research project together to convince men that there is a way around this; I don’t know what that is yet, but I believe there must be a way to solve this problem for all you women. I am open to working with anyone who is interested in researching this together. We could make a YouTube video! Or do a CitizenScience project on this topic!

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Martin September 11, 2016 at 9:52 am

Chloris, what makes you think men NEED to be convinced that they have to see things YOUR way. (controlling much?) Why don’t you look for a way to accept what is?

“…there must be a way to solve this problem for all you women.”
Uh, yeah. Stop calling it a problem. It is a reality. The PROBLEM is within you. No matter how many times you are told, WOMEN don’t or won’t accept the fact that men compartmentalize things. Porn is in one compartment, wives in another. There is no relation, except when a relationship is really on the rocks, and there will likely be no recovering.

Push on this, and you’ll get lied to. You can find better ways to spend your time and energy.

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Chloris September 11, 2016 at 9:41 pm

Martin,

I do not believe that I need to convince men to see things my way because I do not need a man. If a man doesn’t fit into my required traits, then he won’t be in my life.

I am posting on this site to help women—and I have commented on your posts because I disagree with your advice and I think women deserve to hear supportive messages instead of threats and blaming. I think there is a way that women on this site can get together and creatively solve the problem of their suffering. That is a good thing.

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Martin September 11, 2016 at 9:53 pm

Chloris…… and the word games begin. Of course you are not here to convince men. You are here to convince women to continue down a fruitless path. “I am posting on this site to help women…” No, you are here to hurt women, and their relationships.

The one great advantage I have here over you is, many of these women have already been down the “do as I say” path, and it has failed. One of the definitions of insanity is to keep doing the same thing, that is failing, and expect a different result. You are here to tell women to keep doing the wrong thing. If they do, they will continue to fail.

You are toxic, neurotic, and here to cause as much pain as possible. So I guess I can throw in a Sadist as well. Or, barring any of those qualities, simply delusional.

Once again, I’ll be here.

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Chloris September 11, 2016 at 11:04 pm

When a person resorts to name-calling, they have in that moment abandoned logic in favor of an exaggerated expression of their feelings. There is little to be gained by confronting them with any form of reasoned argument about what the facts are or if the name is warranted.

Martin September 11, 2016 at 11:14 pm

Chloris I am not name calling. I am describing you. I SEE you very clearly. Still trying to jockey for the High Ground. The Voice of Reason. But I’ll say this again: Most women have ALREADY been down the “Put my foot down”, “Ultimatum” path and have failed. You are just offering more of the same. Neurotic Controlling Personality. That has already failed. Time for a different strategy, not the same old failure.

Chloris September 11, 2016 at 7:59 am

But why is porn a healthy part of a man’s sex life? Is it necessary?

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Karl September 11, 2016 at 7:45 am

My understanding of pornography is part of most men’s sexual life. A healthy indulgence of porn per week may actually boost your sex drive.

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Jamie September 9, 2016 at 7:06 am

I thought my husband and I had a healthy sex life we have been together for 9 years. A few years ago I was seriously ill with crohn’s disease witch lead to surgery and infection and 7 months of recovery and hospital stays. He was so attentive and became my nurse more than my husband. I still gave him blow jobs 2x a week because I wanted to keep him some what satisfied. I think that’s when he started watching port and masterbating. So last week I came home and he was in the bathroom I jumped in to scare him. ( I do that sort of thing all the time) but to my horror I found him phone in one hand and dick in the other. I immediately felt sick hurt and list for words. I left went for a drive and got no answers. When I came home he tried to deny it and I told him I knew what I saw I’m not stupid. Then finally he admitted to it. He says it was the first time. Well the next couple of days was strange ground for us. We never fight I love him I trusted him and the trust is gone. My mind running crazy I checked his search history and became onec again upset. Not only did he watch port the day after I caught him but he had been viewing it almost every day and sometimes 3x a day. I feel so insecure I’m trying to dress more sexy but my self esteem is gone. And I a mother of 3 so I can’t very well show up at school with my tits hanging out. How do I get over this. How do I tell him a checked his search history? We are having sex every day now and if we don’t I can’t sleep at night in fear he will turn to port in the morning.

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Matin September 9, 2016 at 7:39 am

Jamie, first….. let’s tackle trust. Trust your man. What? No! Shhh. Bear with me. He does not deserve to lose trust over this. Do not feel sick or hurt either. (see, this is getting better) Stop checking his search history. That is just childish.

Now, HEAR THIS. Men do not think like women do. You think because you have a good marriage, and things are/were good, that you are his WHOLE sexual world. You are not. You never will be. You never HAVE been, except for the honeymoon period of your relationship. Your man had a sexual life before you, even if you two married as virgins. Masturbation is something men do since puberty. It has been his secret sex partner LONG before you were. And since it is often seen as bad, yes, men hide it, and often feel guilty and uncomfortable about being caught doing it. It has nothing to do with you being inadequate. NOTHING. Don’t beat yourself up, don’t feel inadequate. (Do keep having sex everyday though, you are both probably enjoying that.) And having sex everyday is a great indicator that his little dalliance with porn is not a serious issue. DON’T MAKE IT ONE. Quit making this an issue, and it will stop being an issue.

Here is a concept I KNOW women relate to: Having something private. Having something ALL TO THEMSELVES. Women do this, and/or talk about doing this all the time. Well guess what? A little masturbation is that for many men.

The fact that you two are having regular sex says he is not deep into this. This is good. When he pulls away from you and stops having sex with you, and you know he has upped his porn watching, THEN you have a problem.

But I am HURT. But your man does not think you should be. HE wants YOU to understand, that what you saw has NOTHING to do with you. Stop thinking your husband is an insensitive prick. He is just thinking like men do, NOT like you do. He thinks you can’t be upset about this because you SHOULDN’T be upset about this.

This is a minor case. Read some more and you will realize that. Minor porn use is like having a drink now and then. It is NOT an issue until it gets excessive. Realize you are making too much of this, and let it go. And keep having sex, and have a good marriage.

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Martin September 9, 2016 at 7:48 am

???? Dropped the r again. ??

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Chloris September 11, 2016 at 8:44 am

Martin,
Do you think it is acceptable for women to have standards (even if they are impossible standards)? What if many women categorize “looking at other women with lust” as cheating?

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Martin September 11, 2016 at 9:36 am

Chloris, men are sexual, looking at women and liking what they see, LONG before they get a girlfriend or wife. And masturbation also comes long before girlfriend or wife. It is part of a mans’ private life. He hides it as, almost universally, it is frowned upon. This is generally not something a man wants to share with his wife.

Standards? That is not a standard. Wanting a man over 5’6″ tall is a standard. Wanting a man that brushes his teeth is a standard. Wanting a man that makes over a certain annual salary is a standard. What you are talking about is a DEMAND. Don’t try and sugar coat it and call it a standard. It isn’t.

I mean, if you want to hit you man with this notion, knock yourself out. Ask him if he looks. He’ll lie to you. Catch him breaking your rule, and he’ll lie again. But the problem is not him, it is you.

This is a battle that you won’t win, shouldn’t win, as it is part of a mans’ more aggressive sexual nature, and you should not be TRYING to win. There are a great many other things for a woman to “win” at in a relationship. This is not one of them. And it is most certainly NOT a standard.

Chloris September 11, 2016 at 11:10 am

Martin, (there is no “reply” button under your post , so I had to reply to my own post):
When I say that women, men, humans, have the right to have “standards” for what they expect and want from their relationships, I DO mean demands, requirements, non-negotiables. Do you think that women do not have the right to lay out boundaries for what they want/do not want in a relationship (whether it be about porn, infidelity, finances, anything)?

Women are also sexual creatures, having their own sexual fantasies LONG before they enter a relationship with a man. I have met a number of women who remember masterbating as toddlers! I masterbate all the time! But who do you think I naturally want to fantasize about when I am masterbating? Whose naked pictures do I naturally desire to see when I masterbate? My partner’s. And there is nothing strange or childish about desiring and asking for that same kind of loyalty from my partner.

That said, I made my STANDARDS known at the beginning of my relationship. I told my partner that “I cannot date anyone who watches porn while they are dating me.” If my partner agrees to comply, then he should not still watch porn. If he does not agree or cannot comply, then he should NOT be in a relationship with me. Lying is never okay in a relationship. People are flawed and will tell lies sometimes, but that doesn’t mean that lying is okay. So if my partner discovers that he wants to start watching porn or that he cannot live without it, he needs to tell me so that I can leave him if I desire to.

I think it is interesting that you say there is some kind of problem with me because (1) I do not want to date someone who watches porn and (2) I expect them to be honest about it. I wonder what you would think if someone were to tell you “Oh, Martin! You should have expected that your wife to _______(fill in the blank with something that you cannot tolerate in a relationship)! It’s what women naturally do! If you ask her to stop _______, she will only lie to you about it and it’s NORMAL! You are the problem for having standards, not your dishonest wife!”

I think it is interesting that you see this as a battle between me and my partner and that it is about winning in a struggle for power. It is not. For me, and for many of these women, we have NEEDS. Those needs may not be compatible with a man’s needs, but that does not mean that we are “the problem.” The main problem is that people are willing to deceive each other in order to get what they want.

Martin September 11, 2016 at 6:09 pm

Chloris, this is what it boils down to right here:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

This is about wisdom, pure and simple. A woman will not win the battle you suggest they wage. She will just drive it underground.

No one likes Tyranny. You Chloris are a Tyrant. That is your choice. IMPOSE YOUR TYRANNY ON YOUR MAN AND EMERGE VICTORIOUS!!! All you need to do is read the blog. Most women have ALREADY tried the Tyrant route, and it has never succeeded. Hmmm? Seems to me a different approach is called for.

Chloris September 11, 2016 at 7:37 pm

Martin,
We disagree. And that is okay. And if I dated someone that watched porn, I would break up with them—That is no problem for me. It is not wrong for me to have this standard. Just like it’s not wrong for you to say to your partner: “I do not tolerate cheating in my relationship. If you have an affair, our relationship is over.” Everyone is different and everyone has their own boundaries. I have mine, and many of these women have this same boundary, for a good reason. It is OKAY that we have a different opinion than you do.

Martin September 11, 2016 at 7:48 pm

No Chloris. In this case, disagreeing is not ok. Your attitude is toxic. You likely have a Neurotic Compulsive Personality Disorder. Your need for control is unhealthy. You are here to prey on women who are legitimately hurt. Easy prey. Push the notion of “Standards”. Like I said already, it is self evident that trying to control a man as you suggest does not work.

I don’t really have a dog in this fight. Women come here hurt and angry. I offer them a real way to cope and move on. You tell them to stick to their guns and continue their pain and suffering, that will eventually destroy their relationships.

I expect to see no end of your nonsense.

I’ll be here.

Gee September 23, 2016 at 10:30 am

Cloris, what you referred to as a ‘standard’ is indeed a standard. Furthermore, it’s a standard that ties into values. And having ‘compatible values’ is one of the most important things to get right in a relationship, in order for it to be healthy. So it’s not a ‘demand’ as Martin/Matin tries to scream and shout like a petulant two year old (yup, seeing the issues there) – and it’s especially not a DEMAND in shouty capitals – thereby implying you have issues of entitlement. (Pot calling kettle there, hey! LOL.)

For anyone interested in exploring this – and for help generally for partners of sex addicts – there’s a ‘partner workshop’ over on a site called Recovery Nation. The two pages linked to below directly relate to 1. the non-addicted partner’s personal values, and 2. incompatability of values between a healthy partner and a sex addicted partner within a relationship.

http://www.recoverynation.com/partners/partners_workshop_016.php

Martin.
It’s great that you are making inroads into dealing with your addiction. However, it’s clear many self delusions – as well as your blatant core narcissism – remain.

The women commenting here are responding to the article, yet you seem to have taken it upon yourself that they are somehow here to be told your personal view. That in itself isn’t so bad, but the way you are not so much offering advice, as ramming it down peoples’ throats in the format of “MY VIEW IS THE WAY IT IS!!!!”, frequently making abusive remarks and directly name-calling is way off the mark. You are offensive, your advice is misguided, and you most certainly do not ‘know it all’. Furthermore, you projection is off the chart. Just one example of the many, many, many:

“Chloris, what makes you think men NEED to be convinced that they have to see things YOUR way. (controlling much?)”

It is you who is doing that Martin. You. Not Choris. Wake up to yourself.

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Martin September 6, 2016 at 1:32 am

A few general notes to the women after reading many more comments. Playing the “It Hurts Me” card will not likely work. Why? Because women use manipulation on men FAR TOO MUCH. But this time, it is TRUE. Well, tough shit. You women have all gone to that well too many times, and now that you really need it, It Hurts Me is not going to work. (I wonder if any of you will reflect on how often you frivolously use manipulation on men, and how now you wish you hadn’t. If you hadn’t, the “I’m Hurt” card might work.)

Feminism has turned women into manipulative, want to be in charge shrews. And men bow to this because it has become the social norm. So porn is a great way to say Screw You All, and your Feminist Ideas. (which is EXACTLY what we want to say.) Just last night I saw a commercial that turned my stomach. Yogurt commercial, the little girl said mom said she could have a midnight snack. Dad says, but I said no. Girl, but mom said yes, Dad, but I said NO. Girl, but mom said yes, and mom is the boss. The little girl got her yogurt. Or that STUPID flop of a movie, Ghostbusters 2016. Yeah, let’s take a guy movie and turn it into a girl movie. Even the Expendables is coming out with a female cast. I am sure not 10% of the women even know that movie. Google it. Everything male must stolen for women. Men are DISGUSTED with women wanting to be men. So why wouldn’t they want to watch women respond obediently when a man tells them to suck their dick? Men hate women. Porn is a GREAT release.

Trashy romance novels make many billions a year. From women. So, why are you all so judgmental of men?

Well, truth is, porn addiction is real, and it is pretty bad. Good luck getting past it. (I honestly am not sure if I mean that in a sarcastic way or not) But realize that women, and current society, has brought it on themselves. Women wanting to be equal. Which is actually bullshit code for wanting to be in charge. And you moan, and bitch, and manipulate your way into getting your way. And men get SICK of your bitching and moaning, and give to have a moments peace. Well, here is your reward. Enjoy it. And if you are feeling bad….. GOOD. Keep feeling bad. You more likely than not had quite a role in making this happen.

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Gee September 23, 2016 at 10:46 am

Go and see a shrink about your issues Martin.

To give you a headstart; your problem is actually your mother. The problem is not all of the women you have projected the issue onto ever since. Deal with it. Take it up with a shrink – and your mother, if she is still alive.

I’m sorry that your mother didn’t nurture you, nor give you the gift of feeling genuinely and unconditionally loved – it’s something that all children should have but sadly, too many of us don’t – and worse.

It can help to understand that sometimes our mothers (and indeed this can equally apply to our fathers) were emotionally neglected in like fashion, and they simply ‘passed it on’, through being so damaged themselves and through not knowing any other way to be.

It is understanding that will free you. Not painting yourself as the eternal victim of all these ‘terrible’, ‘ungrateful’ women. How dare they want equality! How dare they backlash against being viewed as mere housemaids and disposable sex objects for male gratification. Martin, do imagine yourself in that role for a moment, if you can bear to – if you didn’t rise up against it, can you see that you would truly be pathetic? Probably not, as it doesn’t suit your agenda.

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Lost&Confused August 24, 2016 at 12:13 pm

I caught my hubby looking at porn shortly after we got together at first I really didn’t think much of it because I really see major problem with it. Until I found out that he wasn’t using it as most people intend to use it i.e. masturbation. In all the time that we’ve been together (going on 10 yrs) I’ve never once caught him jacking off nor seen any inclination to do so which confuses me because he looks at so much porn and it doesn’t stop there. I mean he looks at naked women all the time as well and he hides it from me. I can’t say for certain but I don’t think I would have as much of an issue if he didn’t hide it from me because that makes him seem guilty and it’s like why hide it unless your ashamed? I get and I understand that men are visual creatures and they need to be visually stimulated but there’s looking at porn on occasion and then looking at it all the time. I digress my purpose of this post is to try and understand why if you’re not using it as intended then why are you looking at it?

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Lost&Confused August 24, 2016 at 12:18 pm

Edits: *at first I really didn’t think much of it because I didn’t see a major problem with it

Side note: I’ve tried talking to him about this before and he did stop for awhile. I only found out thru the camera I have set up in my living room to keep an eye on my kiddos on occasions. I wasn’t spying I just happened to see he was looking at some hardcore type porn (with my youngest in her playpen) and since then I can’t let it go and it’s eating away at me.

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Matin September 4, 2016 at 6:50 pm

Lost&Confused, consider this angle: Typically, young boys start looking at porn on the down low. In secret. It is dirty, and naughty, and they would get in trouble if caught. That sets up a certain thrill in doing it in secret. You grow, mature, get the real thing, get married, but there is still that old little thrill of keeping your dirty little secret secret. You know about it, I presume he knows you know about it, so…. let him enjoy his “secret”. It is a bit of mild kink for him.

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Daisy July 27, 2016 at 10:18 am

I will try to make this short. To be blunt, I am crushed. I no longer know what to feel about my husband’s porn watching. It is so out of hand, I do not think he can ever stop or wants to despite what the so called experts say about men feeling ashamed or embarrassed about it.

I married my husband shortly after my divorce from a 12 year marriage was over. My first marriage was basically sexless. Less than 20 times in a 12 year period. So, when I met my current husband, I was excited about how affectionate and sexual he was. We even watched porn a couple of times while dating. I never knew this would be a problem.

I began to notice a problem when my then boyfriend would come home from work annoyed with me. If I initiate sex, he is annoyed. I cannot even kiss him passionately without him getting angry or annoyed. We were already living together and I thought it was just stress from his new job. He says I am forcing affection.

Because we were about to get married, I started combining bills such as cell phone. That is when I noticed the data usage. I always thought his cell phone bill was high but I realized it was not the initial bill. It was data overages. He initially had 10 gig service a month but was using 20-30 gigs. Sometimes 5 gigs in a day, all at work. I confronted this head on and calmly said, “what is going on? This is excessive. What are you watching at work?” I was told excuses like YouTube, etc. So not true. I knew some the porn sites he had signed up for and knew his passwords. So I checked and some let you know the last time you visited the site. I then confronted the situation again. Keep in mind, this was a NEW job. If he got caught doing this at work, he would be fired. He admitted what he was doing and I asked him to stop. At least stop at work. I also explained that he was ignoring me in the process. Things got better for a month or so and we were married.

Just to let you all know first, I am a very sexually liberated person. I have not had many partners but I have been in very long term relationships and I am very comfortable with experimenting, masturbation and even porn to a degree. I have also been told I am very attractive and am constantly being asked if I am married so I know there is nothing wrong with me. Of course I have my hang ups of insecurity like any girl every once in a while but for the most part, I am pretty open and a very willing partner. In the past year, all of that has changed because of my husbands porn use. I feel ugly, worthless, competitive, petty, stupid. You name it, I feel horrible about myself. I no longer feel that porn is ok because what I am about to tell you.

Fast forward 1.5 years later….

My husband watches about 2 gigs of porn a day at work. It appears that he watches it in the morning and afternoon. Masturbates both times and sometimes in the shower in the morning before work. I rarely get sex during the weekdays. If I leave the house on an errand, he watches porn. If I have to leave town for a day or two to see my son on the weekends, he will tell me that he has to work and will stay behind. Never has be gone to work when I have left town. It is a porn marathon, sometimes 5-6 times a day or for 6 hours straight. I am not kidding. On the weekends, I occasionally get sex but honestly I just feel like a hole that he can stick it in. Sorry for being so graphic but it is true. I rarely if ever get foreplay or oral even though it is required of me every time. It is like I am the substitute for porn. He even has the nerve to ask me to watch it with him. I sometimes but rarely indulge it because I just want to be close to him and have some affection.

We were trying to have a baby and I was on fertility meds but now that has stopped because he cannot stop masturbating. The doctor even asked him to stop. He says he does not do it but his data on his phone proves otherwise. He claims he watches it without masturbating but I do not believe that. We have experience ED. I do not want to go anywhere public with him because all he does is comment on women CONSTANTLY. Not things like “she’s attractive” but more like “she’s got huge tits” or “what an ass”. He stays at work late for an hour or two to watch porn. He denies it but the data usage is time stamped. Unfortunately, he has his phone on private browser so I cannot see where he goes or what he looks at. He asks me to trust him on his word but I no longer trust him with porn. It is the worst feeling in the world to compete with something that is not real but purely fantasy.

I wish I had not moved to a new state, my family, my friends, my job and most importantly my son to be with this man. I think about leaving multiple times daily.

Here is the weirdest thing. I love him. I want this to stop. I feel like he can be better. I know he adores me. He calls and texts me all though the day to tell me how much he loves and appreciates me. I know he does. The porn has warped this part of our relationship so badly, it is starting to affect everything else. I have told him exactly how it makes me feel. He will not stop. I also have to add that he also looks up escorts, prostitutes, massage parlors. I know he has not acted on this and I do not really think he would but in the back of my mind the fear is very real because he has done this in the past before meeting me.

Right now, I do not know what to do. I lied and told him I will no longer check his data because we have a huge fight at least every two weeks if not more about porn. I just cannot stop myself. I do not even know why I look at the data usage. It is like I am being stabbed in the chest with a hot poker every time I check. I have become obsessed with it.

I read this blog a few days ago and did not post until now. I have done so much research on this subject. I have made a few decisions about my life. First, I am going to take care of me. I am going to get healthier, get back to running marathons like I used to, just all around feel better about me. If he gets left behind in my so, so be it. I am no longer his dumping ground. I should be his world.

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Lost&Confused August 24, 2016 at 12:22 pm

This is the stage I am at. After my discovery it made me wonder why I tolerate it at all.I’ve been working in trying to give me more me time to do what I enjoy with the options I have since he spends all his time in his phone. But it’s hard to put myself 1st when I still have young children to care for. I’m slowly getting back to things I once loved doing…baby steps until I can be free to find me again.

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Matin September 4, 2016 at 7:03 pm

Daisy, sorry to inform you, but this is not “casual” porn watching. This is porn addiction. A serious thing that causes significant changes in the brain. Your man, at this point, is not wayward, and may love you dearly. He is a person that needs help. Just like a drug addict. He is suffering from overstimulation, which is why YOU fall short for him. DON’T beat yourself up. You can’t compete with 100’s of women of all shapes sizes and sexual predilections. This is porn gone bad. Very bad. In case you have noticed as well, your husband has changed in other ways too. His brain is not able to focus as it once did due to the addiction. It LITERALLY makes significant changes to his brain, and can take MONTHS of no porn to return to normal. Think of yourself as the wife of an alcoholic. He needs to dry out, which carries difficulties in itself. You have a difficult road ahead if you intend to help him through this.

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Martin September 4, 2016 at 7:52 pm

A Man’s perspective. Well, women, no way to sugar coat it, YOU ALL are somewhat to blame for this. Now, before you start raging, hold it. It will get worse a little further in. And, notice I say “somewhat” to blame.

What is majorly to blame is men themselves. We want to conquer. We NEVER want just one woman. We WANT many. Or several at least. Societal constraints is what limits us typically to one. This is not what men want. But, on a large scale societal level, the one for one does make more sense, and gives everyone a better shot at finding someone to be with.

Back to the women’s fault in this. One, you get pissed and judge, and we know that. We seek to avoid it. Well, if you had read our comments, you’d know that a man wanting another woman HURTS us. Yeah, you said it HERE. But how many of you have ever made a point to tell your man that it turns you on that you turn them on. You don’t You hide this little piece of information when it counts, and then blather about it now, after the fact. When it will do NO good. Bad on women. Another bad on women is feminism. Men are generally sick and tired with competing with their women. This notion of equality is beyond absurd. Feminism has done tremendous harm to the fabric of our society, and male/female relations. Men want a PARTNER, not a F ing competitor. Another bad on women.

So, tell my man how much it turns me on that I turn him on, stop competing with him. Am I out of the woods? Well, let me also mention your manipulation habits. Sniping and criticizing for the purpose of manipulation. That needs to go too. But no, you are not out of the woods.

The simple fact is, porn is good, and free and comes in many varieties. That IS hard to compete with. This also puts women in the position of having to agree to some sex practices, or at least trying some stuff, that ones’ man suggests, because the downside of saying no is to open the door for him to look for satisfaction elsewhere.

As for looking the other way, allowing your man some porn without hassle. Well, that is a two-edged sword. You can’t tell him no. He is a grown man, he’ll resent the HELL out of you, and he’ll do it anyway, but just hide it. On the other hand, allowing it can allow a man to fall down the rabbit hole of porn addiction. What to do? Keep an eye on it. Keep an eye on your sex life. Oh, and another DON’T for women: DON’T use sex as a weapon. That is ANOTHER lovely product of modern feminism. And another thing that will drive you man away from YOU, and into the arms of 100’s of young beautiful women that will do all the crazy sex stuff you won’t.

So, pick your poison ladies. Be a feminist biatch that drives your man right into porns’ arms, or be a FEMININE woman that satisfies your man. Going the feminine woman route is no guarantee of success, but going the feminist route is a slam dunk failure.

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Chloris Erfare September 6, 2016 at 10:10 pm

Daisy, you do not deserve to feel this hurt. I feel for you. Thank you for sharing your story so that many women can know that they are not crazy for being hurt by pornography. I hope all the women out here think about their situations in the most rational and unbiased perspective as possible, and then ask themselves, “What would I want for my daughter or my sister or my best friend if she were going through this?” Sometimes we put ourselves through senseless pain.

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Patricia July 13, 2016 at 5:17 pm

In 2007 my world as I knew it came to a crashing halt. Not only was my husband taking viagra, which I just found out months earlier for which he only needed it just to have sex with me, but was watching porn on the computer at home. No viagra needed to get off with porn. Visiting strip clubs was a part of “business trips” and on-demand porn in hotels, staring at other women and rude comments to me. “Why do you stay with me, you could do better and how come you change the sheets so much, got a man coming over?” I’d like to think I married a terrific guy who I loved and trusted who loved me, but porn creates losers who lie to their spouses and those who love them most. It’s about self respect. It’s about getting help if you need it. I look at my husband who I can’t even begin to tell you how much I loved, my best friend ever…as a sleaze bag. I don’t trust him and will never trust him. We’ve been to therapy, it’s me my feelings have changed. I want to be loved by someone whose honest, and respectful. PORN SUCKS. I’m beautiful and confident, but thanks to porn seeping into my world feel less than too often. Thanks to all the sleaze bags making porn and ruining lives…got fuck yourselves…nerd, losers, and perverts. Women who make porn can do so much better…self respect? Yeah, yeah the empowering thing…go run a fucking marathon, that’s pretty empowering! I want to start my own movement. Did I tell you how I feel about porn????

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Sharon July 3, 2016 at 4:11 pm

Glad I found this, seems I am not alone. I am in my late 50’s my husband is 60, we have not been married that long. I did find out after we were married that during our engagement long distance that we indulged in dating web sites and other places, carried on online sex and even made phone calls. I am sure in his mind it was okay because he was far away and not married. Had I known after seeing flat out disgusting conversations on messenger, I would have not got married. But that was then and we are now. You would think at our age porn would not be an issue, he has been pretty good unless he has free time when I work. Just today I turned on the TV and there was a porn channel, movies. He was having fun after I went to work. I am very sexualy active so is he. But what I hate more than porn is lying about porn. I say man up. Instead it is i don’t trust him, he is going to leave. Turns the entire thing into me being the bad guy. If he just would admit it we could then talk about it. But no, I am an awful person etc. Men do not realize how this hurts a woman’s self esteem. For my age, I am not a bad looker. Sure it would be nice to be firm and younger. Funny thing is he watchs older women porn most the time lol. It just makes me feel I do not have something they have, not good enough. I was in the mood tonight but I am sure he is spent so why bother. It just cuts like a knife, worse is lying then blaming me, classic. I hate porn so much, what it does to a woman, a wife and how she feels inside. It is very painful. If a man is horny, why not wait till your wife is there and make love to her like a madman? I now I would certainly feel wanted, not like…I could not wait for you to leave so I can get my rocks off. Just pathetic. I am not one who will live with lies, have some respect and be truthful, talk to me and I will listen. You lie, you lost my respect, period, end of story.

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Deborah Thorne May 26, 2016 at 12:52 pm

I’m going through the same thing, except my husband doesn’t hide it. Our first year together he hung up a playboy calendar in our bedroom. I explained looking at naked women was hurtful, he answered all guys do it. He took the calendar down and I thought that was the end of it until year 2. Once again I told him not in the house, he argued but took it down. Merry Christmas Eve, hanging was not calendar three, but a whole nude poster. I was devastated. He said he knew I wouldn’t like it but it’s on his side of the bedroom. Finally it came down, but the hurt remains that he would purposely do something he knew would hurt me. He has always got playboy mag, so once the stopped publishing nudes, he was upset and said he should just get maxim. I told him he could get any magazine except nude girls. Two months later hustler showed up. What a fight that caused. Once again he knew it would hurt me, but did it anyway. Sorry guys and girl, call me what you want. ME OR PORN. Resent me if you want because I resent being put through this. It’s funny my first husband who is deceased, and I enjoyed porn together. This one says he can’t watch porn with me because it would be disrespectful to me. I have found he likes that it’s a dirty little secret, and a guy thing. Solution……playboy and hustler go from mailbox to trash, sorry husband if that upsets you, but you looking at it upsets me. Solution 2, I get sex on demand, sorry you’re getting older and can’t keep up, maybe instead of looking at porn you could look up ways to please you’re wife. Solution 3 this is not my problem you brought the elephant in the room, it’s your responsibility to remove it. Sometimes I feel bad for doing these things, and he must earn my trust, because it’s not given blindly. Remember girls fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I can’t even speak to another man, but you can look at porn. Yeah right. It’s about respecting someone’s feelings. I won’t flirt with the repairman, you stop porn. I will do your wash, you stop the porn. Does he look at it in his car, probably, but not here anymore, on his phone, in a magazine or his computer. Not in our home, because next time I’ll be having a bonfire.

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Peggy May 18, 2016 at 10:09 am

Gosh i feel the same way when my husband watches porn ashamed, not good enough, he wants more he wants less so confused when you think your doing everything right up until you see his history and all that pops up is porn what men dont understand is that it hurts because we know our bodies are not small and tight anymore and that takes alot of pride and security away when i know on his free time sphere time or any time your watching porn when you can be educating yourself or even doing more important things that can be done at work or at home even if it is surprising your wife with a peice of choclate or even a visit or a text to say thinking of you anything but porn too much bad thoughts come to me when i know my husbamd watches porn

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Martin September 8, 2016 at 2:57 am

Peggy, I can’t help you with your man not surprising you with a piece of chocolate. I CAN help you with the shame. Do not be ashamed. And it does not mean he does not love you either. Firstly, it is about variety. I am a recovering porn addict. I have a particular directory on my hd with images snatched from here and there. You usually save a copy of something that particularly appeals to you. I have ALL KINDS of different pictures. Thin women, thick women, blondes, brunettes, redheads, thin legs, thick thighs!!, long legs, short legs, legs with cankles, kind of like cankles. I think I currently have over 200. And that is gleaned from likely 1000’s of pictures viewed, but not saved. Now, I can go through that directory looking at pictures, and I NEVER know on a given day, which picture will catch my interest. I may peruse 50 pictures until I find that one that speaks to me that day. VARIETY. There is no way the most beautiful young woman can compete with that. So, go easy on yourself. And yes, men DON’T understand, and may interpret you saying it hurts you as an attempt to manipulate him. So, he tends to ignore it. It is like this: At work, he is a worker. At home, he is your husband. When he is looking at porn, he is looking at porn. These are generally separate activities, and do not intersect. While his watching porn is not great by any means, I hope you can at least stop beating yourself up and feeling inadequate.

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Doug April 30, 2016 at 4:21 pm

Maybe I am wrong to be a man commenting but here it goes. I agree with everything that has been said. Watching porn is a excersize in putting your personal needs above your wife. I first saw porn before I was 10 years old. In my teen years we would hang out at a local store play video games and look at porn on the rack.

I finally realized it was not a good thing and have spent the rest of my life trying to avoid it. I am a porn addict i will always be it is not something that leaves it just waits until you feed it. Then it grabs you and demands your attention. So here is a list of things that have helped.
1. Research what happens to porn stars and why they did porn. Most of the time they where victims of sever abuse. That made me feel like when I watched I was abusing them also

2. Use open dns on my home wifi keeps porn out.
3. Stop using a smart phone go back to old school flip phone with an organizer
4.get Counciling to figure out why porn is so important. I used it to punish myself to prove my negative self image was correct.

5. Forgive yourself. We are surrounded by porn we are gong to see it.
6. Ask for physical release from your wife. It is hard to think of porn when she is the one helping you.

Women be honest and tell him how it makes you feel. How hurt you are be willing to leave if he is totally out of control. If you want to trust him don’t punish him for telling you the truth. Reward for honesty but disappointed in the actions.

Know porn is more about a feeling of control and power than attraction and desire. if a man is trying to use porn to control you leave. it is a complicated problem that need more help than cold turkey quit. In the end your not perfect nor is he. Is he working to overcome then I would suggest sticking with him.

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Chloris September 11, 2016 at 9:09 am

Doug,
Thank you for sharing. You mentioned: “If you want to trust him don’t punish him for telling you the truth. Reward for honesty but disappointed in the actions.” Can you describe ways that women punish men when they reveal their porn use and alternative ways for women to behave? Can you give some examples on how to reward the honesty? Thank you for your help.

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Michelle March 22, 2016 at 12:26 pm

First of all I think the article you wrote it spot on. And I am glad that I am not alone. My husband and I dated when were in our teens. Separated and reconnected in 08 and married in 12. Our sex life is and has always be very steamy. I would also like to mention a couple of things. #1 since I cut a couple of things out of my eating habits I have lost almost 20 lbs and went from a size 12 to a size 7. Now #2 is the kicker. He has over 200 very risky pictures of me in lingerie and also naked. And more porn videos of me than I can count. But I have caught him with porn on his computer and phone a few times. And it breaks my heart to find other women. Makes me sick and wonder WHY! First excuse is was he was looking for ideas for us to try. My question to him was what else more could we be doing? Remember I said our sex life is pretty steamy. Then I found more. This time he didn’t know how it got on his computer. And then a couple of weeks ago. Guess what? I don’t know how it got on my smart phone. It was in his gallery! I suggested we go to the phone store to make sure he didn’t have a virus or malware. Nope. He has a private setting so he can hide anything that I have done for him. Now I lay awake at night thinking what if he has porn that’s not me in that setting. Iam still sick and depressed. And yes we had a fight. Or should I say a couple. This time I told him things will be over between us. I also for got mention that he drives over the road and I ride with him a lot. But there are times that I have to stay home to take care of paperwork for our truck and life style. So now what do I do? He tells me he will not let it happen again. Is it my fault? Is it because in a couple of months I will be 50? He will be 54 in a few months also. Is my fault because of all of the pictures and videos that I have done for him? At one point and time I thought maybe I should find a one night stand. But then I think who want me if he doesn’t desire me. I want to thank you and everyone of you that commented for letting me rant. I want to wish the best of luck to what I am sure are a lot of beautiful and strong ladies out there that are going through the same thing. It is sad that we spend all of our lives building ourselves up only to be knocked down only to have to do it again.

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Marcie March 4, 2016 at 5:44 pm

I am 37 and my husband and I have been married for 10 years. I knew he watched porn before we were married. I was totally fine with porn. I even watched porn with him to spice things up. 3 months ago our sex life went from hot to not. When we would have sex, he couldn’t perform. Period. He wouldnt look at me, or make eye contact. He lost all interest in me. I would lay naked in the bed waiting for him to initiate sex. He just rolled over and went to sleep. I was hurt by this of course and I felt unsexy and worthless. Just recently he has admitted to jerking off while watching porn on his phone. I’m adventurous, and I love sex, I initiated the sex 95% of the time. He seems more turned on by the porno’s than me. My question is, why can he perform to jerk off to porno, but with me, he can’t get off period?

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Kacey February 27, 2016 at 6:35 pm

Hi Chloe,

I’m thankful that you wrote this article. I am starting my own quest to either try to rationalize to myself that it is acceptable for my partner to watch pornography OR find a logical argument against porn use in relationships despite what it seems so many bloggers/sex writers on the internet accept as a normal behavior. If you have made any progress since this article, I would appreciate corresponding with you.
Thank you.

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Sarah February 8, 2016 at 4:36 am

I’m 35 and my partner is 44 and his porn addiction is wrecking our relationship. I wouldn’t have that much of a problem with it if he’d at least pretend to be interested in a sexual relationship with me. Twice in five years I’ve completely lost it with him but stayed due to broken promises (the last was only 1.5 weeks ago) and then tonight I found him at it again. It’s got to the point that I don’t know how I’d even feel if he tried to initiate something (…… guess I’m safe there). I feel terrible as I slapped him, I’ve never done anything like that before and I’m so angry at myself for doing it. Apart from the no intimacy our relationship is pretty good, however I personally feel inadequate. He tried to pull out the poor me card, like “it just happened” (didn’t believe my 4 year old when she used this same excuse when she magically got my nail polish on her fingers, sure as hell not going to believe it coming from a 44 year old). Asked him if he knew what he was doing to me and got “I didn’t mean to do it” …….. so that’s why you put igconito on so it wouldn’t show up in your history. I put it to him that maybe I should go out and have a one night stand (not that I would), and he thought that was different, so I asked if it would be because someone else would be arousing me sexually and getting me off by gratifying my “need” and then he slightly understood my hangup. Long story short I’ve kicked him out until he gets counseling.

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Not So happy after all January 31, 2016 at 6:42 pm

I’m in the same boat ladies. My husband gets drunk and looks at porn. He previously would look at it when I was at work. This has gone on for about 10 years on and off throughout our marriage. I’m so sick to my stomach I am now sleeping in a separate bed. He knows how I feel about it and still continues. He apologizes and says he will be a better person. It’s a repetitive thing. Leaving would be nice but I’m a full time College Student with 3 children.

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Emma January 8, 2016 at 3:14 pm

I’m 37 , my husband 43. we have four children. I first found out he was watching porn after looking at our Internet history after our second child was born. I suspect he has always watched it I have just been naive.
Things seemed to intensify when he got the Internet on his mobie phone. He watches it approx x2 a week. From half an hour to Two hours a time. He hides it from me doing it in the morning when he thinks I’m asleep in bed ( he uses downstairs bathroom) or when I and kids are out. Not just porn constantly looking up attractive women on his phone. One day as I was going out to worK seven months pregnant I checked his phone. Image after image of women. I screamed at him. Hormones all over the place. Never spoke of it again. Truth is its killing me. How do I feel – betrayed. Low self esteem . Anxious, very anxious. When he comes in from work, where is his phone? I know by his actions if he is hiding stuff. My emotions are all over the place. Every time I am in the house and I know he is doing it I feel physically sick . Angry! I did try to put it to the back of my mind after hearing people say ‘ all men do it, just one of those things’ . But then I remember back to a few year ago When I caught him ‘ sexting’ an ex and when I know he is watching porn now I feel exactly the same. I realise if it makes a woman feel degraded. Whatever he is doing, then surely it is wrong? . I have started keeping a diary of when he does it , sound mad? I just need to see it clear . I believe it is affecting our sex life. He will either watch it then want sex with me or for example, will watch it one morning then when I try to get him to come to bed he is ‘ too tired ‘ . I feel I am attractive , slim build. always felt confident with how I looked but I realise I have been regularly looking in the mirror thinking I’m ugly fat etc. . . That was never me! I am certainly not controlling. Whenever he want to go out I don’t have a problem with that. I never watched him when we were out together to see if he checked other women out. Never felt the need to. But I have recently done so. And yes he certainly does look! I never used to feel any kind of jealousy when an attractive woman came on TV or a sex scene. Now all I’m thinking is he will go and look that woman up later And fantasise. Or he must fancy her prettier than me younger etc. . . It’s teen porn he mostly watches. I understand men like porn. Why am I so upset about it? I don’t know. Maybe because it’s his secret. He hides it. Maybe because to me it feels like an affair. Maybe because porn is so different now. Years ago it was one ‘ type’ of porn . now you can click an exact of what you want and within seconds you get it . Maybe I feel not all husbands do this. Is mine one of a minority?I find myself looking at people I know , my brother in law for example thinking does he do it? How would his wife feel?
Maybe it hurts as I feel what we had was never real. He hasn’t spoke ever to me about porn. Maybe because of the sexting I feel he will take things further. Lots of things running through my mind. I enjoy sex. I feel he puts watching porn before me . His needs before mine . No romance . Guess no point if you can get it on the screen without making an effort. I enjoy life and am determine not to let this encompass me . I won’t speak to him about it as I don’t want him to think I’m jealous or intimidated. ( although I guess I am) for now it’s the elephant in the room. One thing I know. Porn ruins relationships

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Marie January 10, 2016 at 4:17 am

Emma-I just read your comment and it’s as if I was reading my own words. This has been going on for 3 years. We’ve discussed it and promises were made. I’ve now caught him in a lie 3 times in the past 2 weeks. I’m not saying it’s wrong for him, but I’ve come to the hard conclusion that’s it’s wrong for me. I feel like I’m living with a stranger and I will encourage him to move out today. If they don’t accept that what they’re doing is wrong, which mine doesn’t, then they will never try to change it. People don’t change their behavior unless it makes a difference for them to do so. I’ve had enough of feeling bad. I’m over it. This is the hardest decision of my life, but I need to believe that my higher source is directing me to make a change. Just remember-this is not a reflection on you. It wouldn’t matter if you were a 20 year old Pamela Anderson-he’d still look. Their brain chemicals are screwed up, it’s an addiction and unless he seeks treatment, this will continue.

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Emma January 12, 2016 at 3:53 pm

Marie, thank you so much for replying.
It’s reassuring to know someone shares my views, I’m not the abnormal one because I find it wrong. In today’s world , were sex is widely available, it’s important to know there are people like yourself who find it repulsive. Yes, maybe it isn’t wrong for them, but certainly for us
I feel so terribly angry but I can’t face speaking to him. You are braver than me. Good for you! I hope you are moving on and emotionally in a better place. You can’t feel much worse staying with someone like that, I know. I don’t believe any man would stop watching it if told to by anybody. Yes, it definitely is an addiction. Thank you.

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Gina January 11, 2016 at 12:55 pm

After reading your comments that is exactly how I feel. I found out last year after 23 years of marriage and It has changed me and my life. I now see when we are out in public that he looks at a certain body part that he has a fetish for. And also then googling people for T.V. or Movies to look at that body part. It makes me sick to my sick. After a year of fight (we never fought before) he swears he will no longer look. I have to trust him even though its hard to, because my marriage will be over. It’s on my mind everyday and I’m working on it. Best of Luck. It’s very hard.

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Emma January 17, 2016 at 3:23 pm

Thank you Tina for your comments. Yes it makes me sick too. How someone can do this, why they feel the need. As long as my husband does this I will always feel inadequate, why put myself through it. I really hope it works out for you and he keeps away from it. Take care

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Emma January 17, 2016 at 3:29 pm

Gina ! Sorry x

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Chloe Jeffreys January 26, 2016 at 8:43 pm

A person cannot swear off a fetish. It just doesn’t work that way. I highly suggest you check out the book, If you loved Him You Would, by Jacqueline Omerta. It won’t fix your husband, but it might give you some peace about what’s going on in his head and why and how you can come to some peace about it without taking it personally.

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Peggy May 18, 2016 at 10:23 am

Spot on it does ruin a marriage, relationship

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Kimberly Windland July 22, 2016 at 11:10 am

Thank you for posting your inner thoughts on this subject. It is not easy. Obviously, we are not alone. I have been married for 26 years and of course I too am experiencing what you have. The sexting was a start. I think that stopped. Then it went to him approaching women in my presence and making it appear as just an innocent conversation when we were out but he got burnt one evening when he told another woman she had a nice ass and was trying to talk her into taking a job as a secretary where he worked at the time to only have that woman’s girlfriend blow up on him in front of me and say what he had said to her girlfriend. Sad! He was drunk and I didn’t want him to drive in that condition so I didn’t just leave him. But, yes I was embarrassed. Then another time he had to go out of his way to tell a woman she had something on her butt as we were walking out the door. I asked him why he would go there he just marked it off as me being jealous. Now, I have seen that he’s been checking out porn. I tried to ignore it but the other night I woke at 3 am and he wasn’t in bed. I waited 45 min still no husband. I went downstairs and he comes running up to me at the base of he stairs. All giddy. I ask him if he was okay– oh, yeah just couldn’t sleep. I approach his computer and flip the screen up to only find porn. I asked him if it were live as a box popped up saying so and so was so many miles away. I’m not sure if that was live porn or not but he says not. I am not an ugly woman, I have a descent figure of course I have a few extra pounds that I am trying desperately to lose as I have developed a low self esteem with my body more so now with his porn use. I’m not sure of my emotions. Am I making a big deal over nothing?? I guess it is the sneaking that bothers me and if it is live porn which I’m not sure then that is cheating! I’m trying to understand this whole situation but am struggling with it. Maybe talking to strangers about my situation will help. Thank you for your post I definitely connected with it as I am not one to just want to end my relationship as despite the horrible examples I shared of my husband’s actions there is alot if good qualities he has. I’m just confused.

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stars December 30, 2015 at 12:54 pm

I also believed he never watched it. For the first 4years our relationship was great but the past 3 have been a nightmare with him hiding it, lying about it, sneaking around with his phone, occasionally me finding it and freaking out only for more lies (telling me what I want to hear). I have given up caring at this point. I told him do whatever he wants. I just feel numb now and have accepted he wont change. I am not going to let it hurt me anymore. I will focus on my child and myself and on the rare occasion he wants to crawl on me and pretend I am someone else, I will just get it over with and his phone can service him the rest of the time. I feel depressed, lonely and miserable-stuck, trapped and forced to compete with a fake fantasy in cyber land. Well from now on, I am not going to try anymore. I refuse to let his habit destroy me any longer. I used to believe I am gorgeous and can have any man I want. I chose him to be my everything. Now I think there is no point being with any man when they will always cheat whether its in their mind, on the internet or in reality-they will always want more. No matter how perfect we try to look, act or be-its not enough.

It really is a mans world.

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Gina January 4, 2016 at 7:49 am

I totally understand how you feel. Been married for 23 years and found out a year and half ago the addition my husband has on it. My life has been so busy that I never know really, but now that I’m a empty nester and he got sloppy one day I found out what has been going on my entire marriage. It has change me and my life. I have been very depressed and very sad. I’m trying to over come it but It’s hard when I don’t mow know my husband. He also has a major fetish that I knew he liked but not to the extreme that he looks at it for hours a day. I feel like someone has punched me in my stomach. He recently told me he was going to stop (which I still don’t believe) when he has been doing this his whole life and for hours a day, you can stop cold turkey. Because of incoginito mode on google chrome he thought I was un a wear what he was up to but I know a program that can still show he if he was on it. When I told him he was lying by saying he was not on his websites he got very mad at me and wanted to see how I knew and he is still denying that he was on them. I told him I couldn’t show him because it was no longer there. I just really didn’t want to show him how I knew. The next day I checked again and saw that he was on again. I confronted him and now showed him the program. He still denies that he was on and that program said nothing. I know he is lying and now I have to deal with that. I told him that lying is now worse and looking. He swears that he is not. So my sadness continues and I’m trying every day to believe him because I love him more than anything. I also trying not to look on his computer because I know what I will find and the depression just gets worse. Happy New Year to Me.

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Nancy December 18, 2015 at 11:15 pm

I have been with my husband for 9yrs, married 7. We both came into the relationship with children from our previous marriage. I was 32 and he was 37 when we first began dating and now we’re 41 and 46. I would consider myself to be attractive and I’ve never really had to work at getting attention from the opposite sex prior to marrying my husband. He is also very attractive and has been with many women in his past and in his younger ‘sewing-wild-oats’ days. But shortly after we began dating, when it came to having sex with me, he seemed as if he could take it or leave it. That it wasn’t all that important to him.
He has always told me that because we came into this marriage with a combined total of 4 kids from our 1st marriages, we missed the honeymoon stage and therefore, it’s instant family w/o a lot of time or money to devote to “US”. Our children were 6, 6, 8 and 10 when we got together and now they’re 15, 15, 17 and 19. So, they are quite a bit more independent and truly could care less about spending much time in the company of their parents anymore. I would’ve been gone long ago, if it weren’t for the fact that he is perfect in every other way… (good to me, great dad, big-hearted, great friend, very hard working, no drinking, no bars, no drugs, funny, can build a house with his two hands, helps me cook and clean, and is a very loving family man).
In my previous marriage and past relationships, it was very normal to have sex anywhere from 3-5 times per week and then I’d have to swat down wondering hands… etc, because it just never seemed to be enough sex/touching for them. I didn’t realize how much I needed and wanted this kind of attention in my life until I didn’t have it anymore. I’ve never experienced any sort of new-love or wild sex phase with my husband. In the past 9yrs, I’ve had to adjust from my normal 3-5 times per week to just once, maybe twice per month. Other than the first few months we were dating, he has never been very touchy-feely, cuddly, kissy or flirty with me at all. So, obviously, our intimacy issues have caused a great deal of conflict for us over the years. Especially, since I’m not one to keep my feelings to myself.
All that being said… I’ve now just found out that he’s been watching porn behind my back and masterbating!!!
Talk about a kick in the gut! I am devastated. I feel betrayed. He said I’m making too much out of it and that it has nothing to do with how much he loves me. Are you kidding me?!?! I’ve been doing everything I can to get his attention, show his desire and to ‘want me’ for 9 very frustrating years!!! I’ve questioned my looks, go on crazy diets, dress up… you name it. So, now what?
Now I don’t want him to see me getting dressed for work in the morning and when I try explain what I’m feeling to him, I end up yelling and belittling him because I’m extremely hurt. I feel cheated on. How could you deny your wife’s need to feel desired and aroused by you, but give that part of yourself to some 18yr old slutty porn star instead?!?! I’m a 41yr old mother… I’ll never be able to compete with his porn fantasy

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Marie December 22, 2015 at 10:46 am

Nancy, I am in the very same boat. This has been one gut punch after another-even if you threaten to leave, the pull of porn is so strong-they can’t stop. I’ve been living in this hell for 3 long years. I thought things were great there for a few months, he assured me he stopped and I believed him (again) what I now know is, there are fabulous resources for us partners of sexual addicts/compulsives (POSAC) the first thing you’ll want to do is educate yourself on porn addiction. This has nothing to do with you!! Very important. Try not to be angry, you’ll go through phases of grief. Anger, denial, disbelief. You’ll question everything and become super hyper vigilant-all normal. Meditate, Breathe, then read. Lots & lots of reading. Mine just resurfaced again on Sunday so I’m back to square one with ya.

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Carina January 27, 2016 at 1:21 pm

Oh how I feel exactly as every woman who has responded feels….We have gone FIVE months w/o sex….things seemed to have gotten better, even having sex well before I was supposed to after my recent hysterectomy, now back to non-existent. It’s a rollar coaster and puts such a spell of depression over me. Why he continues to turn to porn, sneaking around to do it, then bold face lying to my face when I KNOW what he’s done….instead of turning to me? Porn does rewire their brain; there is no romance, no foreplay, he has a difficult time climaxing if not watching porn. And the worst part? We have come so far with our faith and I feel like I could explode when he starts preaching on God, and how we need to not fall short of His glory if we want everlasting life…..How can a “Godly” man fall SO short when he goes out of his way to download porn on his phone? Then LIE to me about it??? It makes me so, so sad and any little bit of self-esteem I once had has been stripped away. Like I’m not pretty enough, fit enough, good enough in bed….and besides the porn issue, he has A LOT to compare me with….Thank you ladies for helping me feel I am not alone. It’s a lonely, hurtful, frustrating secret to hold in day to day…Praying every day that maybe one day, I’ll be enough for him, he can “re-wire” his brain, and we can have a normal, healthy, loving, intimate sex life which we really never had even had to begin with. I love him, so I stay, but pray harder than I’ve ever prayed for anything in my life….

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Mary December 13, 2015 at 5:02 am

I hate porn too, and every thing it stands for. It’s becoming more and more about torturing women than about having sex with women. Things my ex used to watch made me realy sick (imagening the pain these women must have felt realy upset me), but that was just the tip of the porn-iceberg. I lately saw an interview with porn-“actrices” and one was telling about how she was being electrocuted and two told about being waterboarded! WATERBOARDED!! If in an select picking of actresses two of them have been waterboarded, makes me wonder how common it is becomming in the porn-industry! I allready was awere that prolapsing anuses were an opcomming trend, witch I thought was worrying enough.
That men don’t seem to have any limits when it comes to porn, every torture is now seen as “just” a fetisj, and knowing allmost all men enjoy watching those women being degrated in meny, even very physical hurfull way’s, have made me realy hate men. I realy, realy hate men because of porn! I used to love men and wanting to love them, wanting to make love to them, but now a would rather beat them up to pulp. Knowing men don’t have limits when it comes to porn, makes me realy scared of them too. So much hate I feel for them and their love for porn. And it changes men too, for the wors. They become so psychopatic, but don’t realise that themselves. They don’t want to know it, all they want is their porn, whatever the consequences are. They rather lose you and their kids, than give up their holy porn. I don’t want the rest of my life to be filed with hate, but I geuss I just have to live with that from now on. Men just don’t care how much porn ruins for the way women preceve men. I have to tolerate men now, they are part of the world we are living in, but porn makes me feel very unsafe in this world.
I had to live in a flat for a couple of years where womantrafficing was going on in the appartement below me. I felt very helpless, becouse being a women myself and on my own, I couldn’t do anything to help these young women. Writing this makes my eyes tear up again, I hate all the pain the sexindusty cause to women and the way men just don’t care about it. I realy, realy hate men, because for them cumming is more important than womens lives and wellbeing. It’s just cumming for Gods sake! All you need is your own hand and imagination, so nobody has to get hurt. But I believe it is more about hurting the women than about cummeng, so that makes me realy hate men! The only thing I can do, is stay single for the rest of my life, to keep porn as much out of my life that I possibly can.

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Randy December 11, 2015 at 3:18 am

I hate porn. It has had a destructive force on relationships in general. Undermining trust and promoting shame.
Im just not sure I have ever met a woman who really gets how much of a hold it can take over men. Anger at him though understandable will never change him. But compassion for his desire to change, may. For example, when my hands move towards porn it could be after a crappy day at work or when im feeling lonely. Its a way to regain some sense of power over reality we feel powerless in.
Mostly, freedom from it I see as movement from God, a miracle.
Its ok your not the hottest babe anymore it doesnt mean he no longer loves you and would not jump in front of a bus for you. Im just saying there are a lot of guys who fight daily with the temptation, sometimes they win sometimes they dont. Imagine if you got a nicotine high everytime you saw a cig or drunk by seeing a beer, that about sums it up. That in a world were nothing is kept secret anymore.

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Mary December 13, 2015 at 5:19 am

Why do you expectations empathy from women when you show no empathy tot all the women in porn and the women in your life? You think you’re the big victim here?? First you are hurting so many women with your selfishness and then wanting empathy for YOUR pain? Get over yourself and just realise what you are doing to others before you complain about the lack of empathy from women about this subject! If you would understand what you realy have been doing, you will understand why it’s so hard for women to stay empathie towards men like you! You show some empathy!

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Martin September 6, 2016 at 12:48 am

Hey Mary, screw yourself. Oh wait, you already are. Carry on.

A man turning to porn might not be because his wife is unresponsive, but a bet, a lot of the time it is. So wanting to blame the man. Standard female procedure. And do you KNOW why we don’t give a shit when you say it hurts you? Because for the millions of times you all use manipulation tactics on us. It gets sickening. MORE PORN. I started out reading this with some sympathy for your situations. Now I find myself enjoying your suffering. Too many women have played the manipulation card too many times with their men. Now it doesn’t work. Oops.

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melissa November 29, 2015 at 9:34 pm

Me and my boyfriend been together 4 yrs and I love him so much but when I found out he watched porn I felt like I’ve been cheated out and I ain’t felt pretty since I feel like I can’t compare I’m a smaller breasted redhead when all he looks at is huge breasted blonde it makes me feel like I’m not good enough it hurts me so bad cuz I feel like I will never be what he wants me too i jus can’t get over it no matter how much I try I jus still feel that knife in my chest and I’m only 22 and i shouldn’t feel this low about myself

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reina November 21, 2015 at 3:00 am

I been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 yrs
Our sex life is none existing, he’s 40 I’m 30
He’s addicted to porn, 18 yr Olds ,lesbians,preg porn , I love him but this is killing me why he rather watch porn and hide it then have sex with me , I even got on birth control so he wouldn’t be afraid of me getting prego and when we do have sex he goes limp everytime he sticks it in Me ,I don’t know what to do ,I’m beyond depressed

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Gina September 24, 2015 at 7:28 am

Sorry for the long story: 48(F) married 23 years 53(M) together 28 years. Have two grown kids in college. To start I have a very happy, loving marriage. I love my husband more than the day we meet and I feel he feels the same, but things have changed about 9 months ago. Last Nov. I was turning down his computer and saw that he has been watching porn. Yes I know all men do but it was a shock to me, so in turn I started looking a his history to find out how addicted hiss was and at what he was look at. He is addicted to woman’s feet. He will look at them for hours. On avg. its an hour but up to 3 hours. Now that I’m I know about this I caught him look at my family and friends feet. I was so upset. He says whats the different if he was looking at the butts or breasts? I didn’t know what to say. To top it off I then had to make a chose and have foot surgery because of the pain I was having and that sent me in to a downward sprial of depression knowing now is attraction to feet. I couldnt even talk to him about it with him well know how upset I was and I could even show it to him. Knowing how unsexy it is to him.I also knew he liked legs and I guess feet but not at all to this extent. I am not naive I have just been working full time , raising a family and two dogs. Now that the dogs are gone and kids are in college I guess Im more aware of what is going on in my husbands life and I’m having a very hard time with it. We have a great sex life I’m not complaining. It’s just that he is not the person I thought I knew and I have to expect it and it’s hard. I had loss sleep, lost 30 pounds and it has changed me. I wish I could go back and not know what I now know. I have become more aggressive with him and sex, I love sex. I have been dressing sexier and I even sent him a sexy valentine picture over the phone. (which I would never do) I think all of this was a shock to him and he wanted to know why I was questioning my sexuality. I told him because of what I now know. We have had 5 fights , discussion about this and he believes I should just grow up. That it has nothing to do with me. That he loves me very much. I even went to a therapist but will not be going back. She feels he has an addiction and would like group therapy. That would never happen. He admits he is obsessed and is addicted but its not affecting our sex life so whats the problem? Its been almost a year since finding this out and I’m still struggling with my feeling. Anytime I find out he has been on his pron sites I get sick to my stomach. I know he will never stop and I don’t know how to get over this. It has consumed my life. Please help!

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bianca August 23, 2015 at 8:45 am

hey everyone! I a female, 19 yrs old. I have many questions and concerns about why is it my boyfriend watches porn so often. so, weve been together for 8 months and we didnt start engaging in sexual activity until about 2 months into the relationship. he took my virginity, and before him, I had never done ANYTHING sexual with any other man. so you can say i was very inexperienced, and even now im still learning. my boyfriend, however, is sexually experienced. I am unaware of how many partners he has had, but i know its not too many. since we started having sex, it has been often. Ill be honest, we have sex or do oral sex just about every day! I am very happy in the relationship and he is as well, but my concern is.. if he is ejaculating every day almost, why does he watch porn? why does he feel the need to get pleasure from that? we pretty much live together, we are together every day, he only leaves for work or to hangout with a friend, and we sleep in the same bed every night. I have concerns because although im not experienced, he says he loves my body and that he is very sexually satisfied. my concern is that since i am not experienced, maybe i really am not that good? he watches the porn when im not around, its almost every day, and he knows that i know he does it. he watches it on his phone and i knew his password to his phone. now that I called him out about it, which i was very upset about, he got mad that i went through his phone & now he clears his search history. but he still occasionally leaves a wet tanktop lying around (cum on it) I just dont know what to do or say. do i say anything? even though this really bothers me.. ): ): i just need some advice. ♥♥ thanks for taking the time to read

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melissa November 29, 2015 at 9:41 pm

To be honest the person I am I would say something cuz if not it will jus eat at u but doubt it will change him watching it and if it does hey girl it doing better than me

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Martin September 6, 2016 at 1:04 am

Bianca, blame the equal rights amendment and our current society. Last night, they had a blurb about the passing of this conservative Lady, Schiaffly, I think was her last name. They did not even have enough respect to put a picture of her up. We live in a feminist society here in the US. In some more feminist societies in Europe, the rift between men and women is worse than here. You are simply growing up in a screwed up time. Your boyfriend has likely been watching porn for 10 years. It is a habit, if not a full blown addiction. So you are in a tough spot, no doubt about it. Here is what I recommend. DO NOT tell him it hurts you. Women play that hurt manipulation card WAY TOO MUCH. Instead, tell him YOU want to be what he needs, and ask what you can do to make that happen. That is probably your best shot.

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April July 26, 2015 at 11:27 am

Hi my husband and I have been together for 20 years off and on. We recently got married a year ago and have 4 children. 3 girls 19,12, and 9 and 1 boy age 5. We have been off and on for years due to communication and respect issues. He has always been into porn, and I have communicated with him how hurt it makes me feel to see the different kinds of women he likes to watch, because I will never compare. He always says ok I won’t watch it. But he still does several times a day. We no longer have a sex life because I no longer get turned on by his disrespectful, uncaring , mean ways. I told him if ur gonna watch it at least delete it or something, but till this day he dosent care. He tells me yeah I watch it, so what, he makes me cry, but dosent comfort me in anyway. He tries to turn everything around on me instead of working on the real issue at hand.

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YouAreBeautiful July 23, 2015 at 11:01 pm

my heart aches for every single one of you women who feel inadequate….. you are all beautiful . men are fucking PIGS AND DOGS

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Mary December 13, 2015 at 7:27 am

Please do not insult pigs and dogs; men are men! You can’t be more insulting than calling a man a man, because there’s nothing so horrible on earth than men!

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Falconer December 25, 2015 at 8:01 am

This is why there will never be common ground and an understanding because of attitudes like yours and Mary’s here. When 50 shades of grey for example was everywhere and women were braying on and on about itsome schools even had a college course or two on it! Women also have an armory of toys to pleasure themselves with as well! Where is the outrage?! There isn’t any because for some reason women get a pass and yet men get shamed and ridiculed because of it. Hypocrisy at its finest. Instead of attacking men for it why not explore why some watch it? Or perhaps try the things he’s into with him rather than judge and shame him? We men have fetishes as well but not all of us are as lucky to have a woman who would be willing to explore them with us. At the end of the day it’s the couples who are willing to be open with one another and explore themselves fully that will win and last not the ones where they ridicule and judge one another. Your attitude of “men are pigs and dogs” are one of the leading reasons why we have a record low birth rate and marriage is on the way out.

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Kacey February 27, 2016 at 7:11 pm

Hi Falconer. I appreciate that you shared your point of view. I wish I could feel the desire to experiment with my partner and watch porn with him, but I do not think I can. I have been trying to understand my partner’s point of view by researching online. I have tried watching porn on my own. My core values have always detested porn since I first saw a playboy magazine at age 7 and was naturally grossed out by the demeanor of the women. It makes me feel sad that I am completely sexually satisfied by my partner but that I cannot completely satisfy him. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to change the way I feel. Any suggestions?

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Patricia July 13, 2016 at 4:54 pm

I could not have said this any better…thank you!

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Patricia July 13, 2016 at 4:56 pm

hum….this comment was for “You are beautiful”…somehow it got changed around.

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Patricia July 13, 2016 at 4:57 pm

Thank you!

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Elizabeth July 8, 2015 at 9:54 am

Yes, I am a newly married woman of 1 yr..Over 65, enjoy sex, have multi orgasms…
With some health issues, so not so frequent sex now..
I got up at 4 AM to my husband viewing porm!!!! I was mortified..
We do watch porn a few times together …really had fun with it, enhanced sex..
Am I being too over reacting???

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All men replying February 13, 2016 at 10:44 pm

Yes you are all over reacting. It’s not about you or a reflection of you or sex or your sex together. Denying sex because he uses some porn is like denying his favorite food because he had some other food before it so you just make him hungry for something else out of frustration. Vicious circle. What if you just let him use porn. Openly. not have to hide. Don’t get butthurt that it means anything about you. I bet the conflict and problem hoes away.

A man loves his woman not the porn it it is to him a release or a fantasy. A natural need for variety that the most beautiful perfect woman in the world cannot stop or compete with.

Is reading female audience romance novels making you disgusting and no longer worthy of his life because you can observe the live and feelings if another.?? no. Instead of straying he’s looking at porn and women and men he will never meet or love or have sex with. He can have sex with you and love it and love you and love it. He doesn’t love porn. It’s like checking out a Shelby Cobra Mustang and getting off on it then forgetting about it. That’s why every single comment says the husband and boyfriend says the same thing which is “what? I am not trying to hurt you this is nothing it’s not a reflection on you or sex or anything”.

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Kacey February 27, 2016 at 7:33 pm

Thank you for your post. I have read of the Coolidge Effect, which proposes that males of most mammalian species have a definite urge towards seeking variety in their in sexual partners. So, perhaps men seek pornography because it helps them remain in monogamous relationships.
But, the problem for me is that sexual monogamy is not enough to interest me in spending my life with someone. I have my own needs, desires, and urges that I must ignore because, if I engaged in them, it would hurt my partner. There is another need that I have–I have the need to be enough, sexually speaking, for my partner. Just as my partner may have a natural need for sexual variety, I have a natural need for complete exclusivity. I’m not trying to be selfish–It’s just my natural feelings. Otherwise, I lose attraction and my love for my partner.

Maybe I lose love for my partner the same way he would lose love for me if it was my natural, inborn need to have sex with many men. I understand that him watching porn is not the same as me having sex with someone else–they are two different activities. However, in that scenario, the fact that we both have a need for our partner to abstain from a natural, inborn activity is comparable.

What do you think?

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Karen August 10, 2016 at 12:34 pm

This is so Bulls hit its not even funny. I’ve offered to watch it with my man, he doesn’t want to. I’ve offered to fulfill any fantasy or fetish he has, he tells me he has none, yet he always looks up skinny tight young girls. (I’m only 26 and look 18, I’ve given him a child so no my stomach isn’t flat anymore but I’m still skinny.) I’ve been the one to introduce things into the bedroom that he could care less about. I’ve tried to initiate sex with him but he’s “not in the mood” only for him to go to porn 2-3 hrs later! We’ve talked about him openly watching it but he still waits til I go to bed or leave the house and deletes his history…so I call bullshit.

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All men replying February 13, 2016 at 10:47 pm

Yes you are all over reacting. It’s not about you or a reflection of you or sex or your sex together. Denying sex because he uses some porn is like denying his favorite food because he had some other food before it so you just make him hungry for something else out of frustration. Vicious circle. What if you just let him use porn. Openly. not have to hide. Don’t get butthurt that it means anything about you. I bet the conflict and problem hoes away.

A man loves his woman not the porn it it is to him a release or a fantasy. A natural need for variety that the most beautiful perfect woman in the world cannot stop or compete with.

Is reading female audience romance novels making you disgusting and no longer worthy of his lovr because you can observe the love and feelings of another.?? No. Instead of straying he’s looking at porn and women and men he will never meet or love or have sex with. He can have sex with you and love it and love you and love it. He doesn’t love porn. It’s like checking out a Shelby Cobra Mustang and getting off on it then forgetting about it. That’s why every single comment says the husband and boyfriend says the same thing which is “what? I am not trying to hurt you this is nothing it’s not a reflection on you or sex or anything”.

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Kacey February 27, 2016 at 9:57 pm

In response to: “Denying sex because he uses some porn is like denying his favorite food because he had some other food before it.”

You describe sex and porn as “food” because you believe those are two natural needs of men. I can accept that. Can you accept that it MAY be a woman’s natural need that, if she were to have a mate, that he be entirely exclusive (meaning that she alone can fulfill his sexual needs without porn)?

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Katy June 19, 2015 at 11:11 am

Yikes. Reading a lot of these comments helped me realize Im not alone, but also ashamed at how I ever acted towards my husband.

Trolling through his phone is not okay. Telling him he cannot ever watch porn ever again is not okay. (Mostly because he will do it anyway, just cover it up so you dont freak out.) Putting passwords and parental controls on his device, effectively stalking your own husband, is not okay.

I myself have been conflicted over this, and had a few good fights about it, but to my husbands credit: hes been open about it. Not telling me about it per se but not denying he watches it a few times a week and has explained why. From the beginning of our relationship I knew he liked porn, but was not obsessed with it. (There is a line that can be crossed. But instead of turning into resentful, nagging wives, get help or get out!)

Perhaps my view is different because I identify as a bisexual woman and I watch porn myself. I understand the allure of wanting to see a hot naked woman. Its primal and separate from your marriage. (When it is truly hurting your marriage–he is cold or distant, sex is nonexistent– then that crosses the line, but again: get help or get out of that marriage.) As much as it might hurt to admit it, your vows do not mean you own your husband or his sexuality or vice versa.

If you dont want him to lie to you, lidten to him without judgment and ACCEPT WHAT HE IS SAYING. Otherwise, he will lie to you. Dont ask questions you arent prepared to hear honest answers.

So, in essence. Let that shit go. Let him watch it occassionally to get off by himself. Odds are he is not comparing you or addicted or allowing it to negatively affect your marriage. But you overreacting, shaming him, stalking him, and being cold and distant WILL ruin your marriage. Its not worth it.

One last thing. A couple quotes I remember reading years ago that made me laugh and stuck with me.

“All men look at other women and watch porn. If he says he doesnt, hes either lying or gay. In which case, hes looking at gay porn.”

“Watching porn is kind of like going to the circus. It’s fun for a while, but then you just want to go home.”

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Mary December 13, 2015 at 8:01 am

So if your partners sexuality is completely their own, does that mean I can sleep with other men when in a relationship? I assume that it goes both way’s. When it comes to sexuality, everything goes because your partner doesn’t “own” your sexuality? If your answer is ‘no, you can’t sleep around with other men’, why do you drow the line there? If your partners sexuality is non of your business, why drow a line anywhere? And he wouldn’t have any say on what you are up to sexually, so go ahead, enjoy yourself with women too! Why should you contain your needs for him, when he has it all? He doesn’t own your sexuality now, does he?
If you don’t want to commit yourself sexualy, stay single! Isn’t the whole point of having a relationship about wanting to give op other people sexualy because your partner is worth that?! The more you commit to your partner, the more you will appreciate them; you enjoy the most you’ve worked the hardest for. You completely fell for the crap your man has brainwashed you with. I know how they try to have it all by trying to make you believe their bullshit, I’ve been there as well. You’re worth more than that! Stand your ground and don’t let him insult you with his greedy selfish bullshit justification!

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Night shade December 25, 2015 at 8:06 am

So a man watching porn and getting HIMSELF off to you is the same as sleeping around with other men?! Your crazy!

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Kacey February 27, 2016 at 10:13 pm

I think we compare our partners watching pornography to us engaging in extramarital affairs because:
(1) when our partners watch porn, it naturally hurts our egos and feelings and trust
(2) if we slept with someone other than our partner, it would naturally hurt our partner’s ego and feelings and trust

Watching porn is being compared to extramarital affairs because in both cases, the act would hurt the other partner. For those who are bothered by porn, it TRULY distresses them, probably as much as an extra=marital affair would bother their partner. More important than following societal norms is understanding your partner’s needs and doing your best to meet those needs (or face the truth that you are not compatible).

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Tara January 5, 2016 at 11:29 am

I really enjoyed reading your response Katy. I found out my husband looked at porn about a year ago. I don’t know how long he looked before I found it on his work computer, or how often. From what I was able to tell on his history it was pretty much everyday for at least 6 months. I have felt so many things since then…betrayal, insecure, sadness, anger, paranoia. I’ve tried so hard to supress these feelings because I understand Im not going to be able to stop him from looking, he has to want to stop. Your response though, totally hit home to me, because it’s all true! The crazier you act about it, the less he’s going to open up about ANYTHING. He will just lie to you to pacify you. Now I’ve read some more extreme instances on here, ones that sound more severe and for that I’m so sorry you ladies are going through that. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world to feel like your not good enough for the man you love. In those cases, the best thing I think to do is get help. Anyway…Katy I just wanted to tell you I really felt better after reading this post. I feel my situation is similar to yours, so I was able to relate. I try everyday to just let that shit go…gotta say some days it’s harder then others, but it gets better. Communication about it is SO KEY!!

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Martin September 7, 2016 at 7:36 pm

Nice response Tara. A couple of things: A man’s world is NOT all about you. Men compartmentalize. There are parts of his life that include you, and parts that do not include you. Communication is NOT key. Men want women who submit, not who challenge him at every turn. Men don’t want to have to fight a woman to have a role of leadership and respect. He expects HIS woman to show him respect. And you should. Communication is NOT key. That is woman think. ACTION is key. Treat your man like a King. OH, I can’t. My feminist friends would KILL me. Then dump your friends. You want real results, take real action. Not a bunch of Dr. Phil TALK. Communication is not key, action is.

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Tara September 7, 2016 at 9:25 pm

Martin,
A few things for you:
I have learned that what you say is true to an extent…through communication with my man I’ve realized you are right, it’s NOT all about me. He just made me feel like it was for so long it was hard to accept that was not the case. You are right too, my man also told me he hates when I question him about every damn thing, so guess what, I don’t anymore. But as a spouse I believe if I ask a question I better get an answer!! It’s called respect for each other and I’d do the same for him. I don’t believe in just giving someone respect, they have to earn it. If my mans treating me like shit and making me feel like shit how do I respect that?
I agree with some points but I know from my experience that without communication so I can friggen understand what the hell was really going on we’d be in a bad spot in our relationship.

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Tara September 7, 2016 at 9:27 pm

Oh and about my friends…
I don’t care what they think about how I handle my relationships…if they wanna be feminists that’s on them.

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Martin September 8, 2016 at 1:09 am

Nice reply Tara. Um…… yeah. You are right. You DO have to communicate. You can’t just stop. To better explain my point, yeah, communication is important, but ACTION is much more important. In my experience women really do overemphasize communication. You do this with other women. You communicate until you are blue in the faces. It is kind of your thing. Men aren’t going to WANT to even go there unless you try and keep things succinct. (General Tip) So you can’t approach a man and expect to communicate with him like he is one of your girlfriends. Sit there for 4 hours, 2 bottles of wine, have a good cry and hug it out. Jot down a few key points, try and keep it brief, and then leave other stuff for later. McNugget Discussions, not 10 course meal discussions.

Re your friends. That is good to hear. Outside influences REALLY confuse guys. When a woman stops acting like herself because she is acting the way some friend told her to. It is hard enough for a man to deal with ONE woman and her opinions. It is impossible to deal with her opinions, and the opinions of her 5 closest friends.

I am going to push back some on the respect issue in two ways. The first is, I bet, I mean I REALLY bet, if you took a good look at your life, you will find a fair number of people you gave respect to that did not deserve it. Now your husband is, admittedly, sideways, and not treating you well. That is NOT an excuse to flush respect down the tube. It certainly is EASY, but I do not think it is right. The second push back is, if he has an addiction, his brain is literally not right. Porn addicts are prone to depression and poor concentration. He may look relatively normal, but rest assured, he is not. So…… how do you want to play this hand? Pull respect, bash, or dig down really deep for patience and nurturing. Too many, like poster Mary, want to go on the war path. Like that will do ANY good. But bashing your man has become “so in fashion”, that it is usually the one and only option. I mean, if your husband was in a car accident, and was going to be in traction for 8 months, would you leave him because he can no longer take out the garbage?

Martin September 8, 2016 at 1:40 am

And one more thought Tara, you will probably want to de-emphasize that this hurts you. What??? Are you kidding? He NEEDS to know this. No. I am really not. The 50’s marriage was a good (hopefully) man who was in charge of the household, and a wife who backed him up. These days, men are jumping through hoops trying to keep women happy, because, we have come to believe, that is how it is supposed to be. Men are FUMING, quietly over this. The LAST thing you need to do is couch his getting off porn as yet ANOTHER hoop he has to jump through to please you. Concentrate on the negative effects it will have on him and his health. It might cost him his job. He will never desire to be intimate with another real live woman ever again. Look up porn addiction. They will list out the symptoms.

So, yeah. You can’t ask him to do this for YOU. It is more likely to work if you tell he needs to do this for himself. Knowing how a womans’ mind works, you would LOVE to think, that he is going to dig deep, and to this just for you. But, since there is a fair chance that some subconscious resentment of you aided in getting him where he is, you are just going to have to be the bigger person, and forego that nice romantic notion. Play the better odds, and have him do it for himself. Though, you could probably work in how you miss how he used to be.

Kelly June 15, 2015 at 2:16 pm

Thanks for posting this topic! Please read my story and let me know your opinion. Yes, porn is very dangerous and apparently addictive. As you read this, keep in mind that I’m pretty intuitive, intelligent, successful, and confident. And, I was married to what I thought was an amazing man. If it can happen to me it can happen to anyone. I would have NEVER suspected it.
I found out a 6 months ago that my husband has been watching porn (hours/multiple times per week) for the past 10 years of our 13 year marriage. He admitted to visiting an escort site on a few occasions (OMG!), craigslists personals a few times (just to look he says), been to strip clubs a couple of times, looked up porn stars on Facebook (what?), familiar with girls on social media (reddit) site because he’s seen them so much, looked up burlesque dancers (some local show we mistakenly ended up at) to find nude pics of them, and told me his bachelor party did include a few lap dances he never mentioned – one included two strippers.
I had data pulled from his devices and there was 70+ girls names within his user dictionary (words he typed in) and various other things from teenager to Asian to “nipple hot.” It’s been the shock of my life and taken a confident, strong woman to the brink of despair. I’ve had moments that I literally looked around and could not believe this was my life. I’ve been introduced to terms like Sex Addict and experienced pain like I’ve never know.
He says he has nothing to do with you, I never wanted anyone else, it was just to masturbate and we weren’t having sex enough, etc., etc. But, he closed his eyes when he had sex with me, didn’t want to talk dirty, didn’t care about lingerie (oh, but he sure looked at other girls in it), didn’t want to give me a little spanking every now and then, etc. But, he watched the most violent porn under the sun (i.e. rape, gagging, slapping, extreme porn, etc.). He also used our mattress and his issues with it to an air mattress/fold out bed in the other room for 16 months. I had a polygraph done right away to confirm no contact has taken place (he passed); however he swears there’s been no chatting, etc. but I think it very well could be possible.
I don’t know what to do. He’s getting help and they say it’s based on his rough childhood (method he used to soothe himself) but I’ve experienced an entirely different side of him. He went from being my hero and the best person I know to someone who has lied, taken advantage of me, and treated me terrible at times during this situation. I wonder how he enjoyed so many good times with me and knew all of this was happening. The Therapist call it “compartmentalization” and say it’s very normal in this situation…I like to call it “BS” and “selfish as hell.” He’s said things to me that is hard to process and has put so much blame on me. Yes, I’ve been very pissed and had a lot of LOUD conversations and I agree that our sex life could have been better…BUT…. And, what is all of the rest of the stuff/searches? He says it’s all the same.

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Barbara Hollosy July 29, 2015 at 9:16 am

Kelly, I just found out my boyfriend of 20yrs is doings the same. My feelings are exactly the same. This is my experience Also. it is hard to say it,s over when there was so,so, so much love before. I feel sorry for all the young women growing up because men are going to be unable to sacrifice the porn for their new wives. Uggggh, but I don,t believe all men do it. hang in there Kelly, your coment helped me to realize I,m not the only one dealing with this.

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michelle June 11, 2015 at 2:33 am

I feel it is our right just as much as our husbands to view porn and here is why…men will subconsciously look at other women and get aroused…its a natural thing. But what a man does with that arouse is on him. I have often found myself watching porn with my husband getting just as aroused as him but the reality is porn is everywhere now a days. Whether its on a TV show where they make love…that’s soft porn right there. Or on an r rated movie. That’s hardcore porn. So since its everywhere we can not blame our male counterparts for looking. But we can pride them for not touching. For releasing privately or with us. Just imagine when there was no porn. Most women that get away today with an “oh honey I have a headache, or an ” I’m tired” would never stand a chance when there’s no other release for him. Not saying ur both not on the same sex track just that you both my have different sex times that peak.

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Mary December 13, 2015 at 8:15 am

You can release yourself with your imagination, people have done this for thousand of years. Nobody NEEDS porn! There were no computers in prehistoric times, you know, Internet porn only exists for about 20 years now. Nothing natural about porn at all, fact that it is ON A COMPUTER (how artificial can it get?)! Don’t believe all the crap men tell you! Just use your mind en think things a little bit thru, and than you will notice manny things men say to justify porn doesn’t make any sense at all! But that must be their “logical thinking” we women aren’t capable of, right! COMPUTER = NATURAL, yeh, that does make sense, duhhhhhh!

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Marie December 22, 2015 at 11:06 am

I agree with every single word you said. I hear the intelligence in your post. I know the pain and confusion. There are many valuable resources for us partners of sexual addicts/compulsives (POSAC)
I hope you continue to work through this.

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Martin September 7, 2016 at 8:16 pm

LOL, Mary, you are hilarious. I see your bet and raise you all in. For MILLIONS of years, human and proto human males raped women at will. There was no NO to sex. Bigger stronger man wants it, he gets it. Women had no choice but to submit. Well, she could club him to death while he slept. Sure. Then she is eaten 2 days later by a lion/tiger/bear. Oh My.

In nature, that is, species related to man, larger stronger males dominate females. It is the order of nature. Well, not for hyenas. Female hyenas dominate. What about that? Well, THAT is because female hyenas are larger and stronger. Just serves to affirm that larger stronger nature’s chosen way. Our current upside-down dynamic is noisy annoying small females dominating males who are trying to adhere to current cultural norms. This is where Feminism has brought us. You were mentioning something about Unnatural?

Shut your trap and treat your man like a king, if you are woman enough. But that is likely impossible for you. So Mary, just suffer.

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Feminist September 7, 2016 at 8:37 pm

Wow with the way you think. I wouldn’t even want to sleep with you and it can be you and your hand tonight lol. You sound like a piece of shit. And to come on here and attack these women like that is wrong. No one wants your bullshit advice get out!

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Martin September 8, 2016 at 2:28 am

Feminist: Feminism is a failure. The women here are evidence of that. Men have roles, women have roles. Flipping roles and claiming that it is some great idea, is NOT …..a great idea.

Love the way you worded. *I* wouldn’t even sleep with you. Alluding to the fact that you are likely not attractive.

Me, a piece of shit. Well, I will cop to being a asshole from time to time, that is just how it goes, but not a piece of shit. I am smart, and if treated decently, pretty nice.

No one wants my advice? VERY wrong. I have advice and insights you will not likely find ANYWHERE else. And if a woman is not being a raging bitch, I will share these insights. YOU are the one that has NOTHING to offer anyone here.

Mina June 9, 2015 at 2:02 pm

Im going through it too ladies. My boyfriend and I just had a baby 4 months ago. Its my second my body isnt perfect but not bad either. I work he stays home with the kids. I get tons of guys all day asking me out and yet my bf sits at home watching porn all day I find it on his phone. I find the disgusting tissues covered in semen in the trash. I feel so disgusting and ugly. He got me a ring and in the same day I found porn on his phone really? Ur gonna buy me a ring while a few hours ago I was no where in ur mind while u were beating it to porn. Its horrible we dont have sex as often as id like. He said my sex drive is low ill tell u when im in the mood. Oh but u sure can get it up for the porn huh. Im so angry. Theres other men who want me and the one I want doesnt want me omg Im crying and just feel dead inside sorry for the rambling.

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michelle June 11, 2015 at 2:46 am

Mina I sympathesize with you. Now this is when you need to sit down with your hubby to be and talk about why he feels he can have a high enough sex drive but not high enough for you. And if his sex drive is low I would advise he stop jerking so much to it so that he can be high enough for you when you need it. A relationship is two people and when in sex both parties need to be respectful and considerate. I wrote a post up above yours for a healthy porn watcher. A watcher who has no problem handling his business with his wife and then some but if its like you say and your guy can please you but can please himself their is a problem here and a serious talk is in order. Ask him what you can do to improve his willingness with you maybe role play or think outside the box on positions and foreplay to get him in the mood but talking is key. I have an open communication with my hubby and its for a reason. So he can tell me what he likes and doesn’t. I have an open mind when he tells me because I value him just telling me in the first place.

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mina June 11, 2015 at 4:27 am

Im open sexually I give him blow jobs let him do money shots. I use to be a stripper so nothing is outside or off limits to me. I do dress up ive done sexy maid school girl u name it. He says its cuz he thinks about how bad his porn use hurt me and it just turns him off. He actually said he hasnt watched it for awhile. He said he gets scared about me getting pregnant again. Alot of things. We had sex yesterday finally he said it was good I gave him a massage too. Id do anything for this man I love him so dearly I just get so hurt that he has interest in other women when I can think of no other man than him

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katy June 18, 2015 at 9:58 pm

I would be hurt too, especially considering your insecurities after having your baby. But it sounds like he also has insecurities/fears, but men don’t always know how to handle their emotions. Maybe porn is a release for emotions he can’t express. (Even if that doesnt occur to him.) He could be worried about you getting pregnant again like he said, or feeling low that youre working instead of him, maybe taking care of a baby is stressful for him, but he feels shame and guilt for using porn to placate difficult emotions, especially because it hurt you.

I agree men (and women) can watch porn occassionally without it diminishes their sexual life with their spouse. But when it DOES interfere, thats a problem and you need to talk about it WITHOUT judging him. I learned in a similar situation that my husband is very sensitive to feeling shamed and will shut down immediately. So, keep an open, non-judgmental mind, and approach it along the lines of “Baby, we need to talk, when youre ready. Im hurting because of your porn watching and I need you to explain it to me. I want to understand.” And then LISTEN to him. Odds are he loves you and he wants to make you happy and will open up to you if he feels safe to do so.

Sorry if this rambled. Good luck!

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Kelly June 15, 2015 at 2:26 pm

I’m in the same boat. I’m so sorry you are going through this. My husband claimed he couldn’t get it up or finish and it must be a medical problem prior to me finding out about his porn use. A few suggestions: I’ve put a restriction password on his phone: removed the browser – no phone internet, no app purchases or deletion, no adult content books, etc. It’s easy to do! I also bought a clean router for our house – blocks porn to all devices and sends you a report to see searches if you want it. blocked adult channels or any nudity/sex on cable shows through our cable box, etc. No cash in his pocket, etc. Life is short and I prefer to not be married to man who doesn’t looks at other chics 24/7…I won’t make it easy for him if he decides to take another look. AND, it’s my house – as women we have a right to feel safe and secure in our homes and if that means we prefer no porn – so be it!

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Chloe Jeffreys June 18, 2015 at 8:51 am

Dear Kelly,

First of all, I am so very sorry that you’ve been through this. No words can adequately convey my sympathy for what you’ve been through in your situation. It is horrible that he’s deceived you so. But I am left to wonder about the steps you’ve taken to stop his behavior. I agree with you that life is short. Too short to have a little boy for a husband. I’d much rather be divorced than be married to a man that I had to treat like a child. But to each her own. I hope this works out for you, but I can’t imagine that either of you are happy with this arrangement though.

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mina June 18, 2015 at 6:31 pm

Wow I wish I could put all those blocks up. But he would just refuse to live like that I know it. He would find some way to watch it. Though he swears he hasnt in awhile. Im at the end of my ropes just when it feels like ive took one step forward I feel like I took a thousand steps backwards. Hes being distant and cold and im to the point where I just think im gonna give up and accept he chose porn over me and move on someone will love me I know for sure I deserve it as all of you ladies as well. We should never settle for less than what we deserve im starting to see that now.

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Kevin Smurf August 13, 2015 at 4:43 am

It could be a medical condition. You don’t need to get it up to masturbate to porn. Masturbating is easy. There are no expectations and it’s quick. It’s about moderation and maybe, in your case, about suggesting your partner see a doctor. Treating him like a child will do nothing except make him resent you.

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Martin September 7, 2016 at 8:23 pm

Wow…… Kelly…… you are AWESOME. Do you take him on walks on his leash, give him bacon treats, and knit him cute sweaters too? I bet he can’t WAIT to have sex with you NOW. Don’t forget to teach him to sit, roll over, and play dead. Oh, forget the play dead part. He already is dead by now.

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Kelly January 3, 2017 at 7:08 pm

Martin, It’s been awhile since I’ve been back to this site. I see you have plenty of time to comment to women you don’t know or have any idea what they are going through individually. Many of these women are suffering and it’s not nice to bully them. You can have a different opinion but there’s no need to lash out when you have no idea what their full situation involves. I see your very rude and condescending comments to my post back in June 2015 asking me if walk my husband on a leash too, and you bet he can’t wait to have sex with me, etc. Not sure what your so angry about or why my decision in my marriage is of any concern to you. I have a husband who claimed his addicted to porn, so yes I put safe guards in my home for two reason: 1) MY home and have zero interest in my husband using our family home to look for and lust After women. It’s my home Martin.. My kids home..not a porn, whore viewing area. 2) his has a so-called addiction that he can’t handle or stop, Martin- if he was addicted to alcohol I would have beer and wine laying around. And you mentioned your a recover porn addict (congrats) yet based on some of your comments it appears you support porn use. After being addicted you support some porn use or perhaps I misunderstood some of Your comments. My husband’s Porn use has done a great job making him less of a man from many aspects. Funny how porn is such a “manly” thing to do, yet when used regularly makes men incompetent “men” With ED and unable to truly value and appreciate their wives or partners. And, in one of your post you quote how man should be respected and wives should submit to them…in a situation where you have a husband who loves and cherish his wife that wouldn’t be a problem and the dynamic would actually work; however when your husband is prowling the Internet for girls, escort sites, lusting after women every week…well Martin…not sure where he expects to find any respect because he’s simply not a respectable man. It’s called a lair, cheat, sneak, coward, and manipulator who has created some
very Serious problems and pain for his family based on his lies. Hey, do what you want men…but don’t agree to marriage vows, pretend to have certain values, and present yourself as one person but actually be another person behind closed doors. It’s cowardly in my opinion.

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Annie June 24, 2015 at 7:48 pm

I feel the same way I just had a baby not too long ago too and I don’t want sex because of that. Found porn on my boyfriends phone. I ended up kicking him out at 2am last night because of it. He’s back now though. I absolutely hate porn. I feel like he’s cheating on me and it hurts

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RICHA June 6, 2015 at 4:54 am
Ashen June 4, 2015 at 2:47 pm

Why do so many women feel it is ok to fantasise about sex with strangers, collegues, other women etc. Ok to read erotic fiction in public without so much as a blush? Ok to buy all sorts of sexual devices for thier pleasure?

But no ok for their other half to watch fake people on a screen have sex ? Would they feel better if Men just did what they did? Would they feel differently if they got from watching a screen the same thrill as men?

I’m curious, because personally I feel it is Worse to fantisise about having sex with someone than to watch people that you don’t know and will never meet do it on tv.

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Kacey February 27, 2016 at 10:34 pm

If my partner told me that it hurts him when i read romance novels, I would stop. If my partner told me he felt like I was cheating on him when I fantasized about strangers, I would weigh the benefits and consequences, and likely stop. The difference is that my partner will not stop watching porn. So … porn must be a really big deal to him. It must be more important to his emotional health than my need for him to not watch it. In that case, most of the women posting on this page as well as myself are likely not compatible with any man who watches porn. This sucks, but it’s a fact. If I could accept porn, believe me I would. I wish I could feel okay about porn, because then, I would not be feeling so horrible. The truth is, not all women can accept porn use and be emotionally healthy.

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Thalia May 7, 2015 at 1:47 pm

Honestly, I like porn — and I’m a married, middle-aged woman. I’ve always had an active fantasy life, and sex is a big part of that. It doesn’t mean that I love my husband, or real sex with him, any less. A lot of my fantasy life is not realistic or even appealing in real life, and that’s probably true for most men who like porn. They don’t really want to be in incessant three-way with cheerleaders or whatever.

I’ll admit that I look for stories or images that put women in the positions I fantasize about being in, more than images of guys. I would imagine that would be more threatening, to have a partner obsessively looking at younger/sexier/more beautiful.

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Mary December 13, 2015 at 8:40 am

Why do you need the porn when you have an active fantasy life? Why use other people’s fantasies and then tell yourself they are your fantasies? And why do you call porn fantasy when it’s filmed reality! You say you just want it to be fantasy, not appealing for real life, so why let someone else be put thru it? Why support an industry that hurts people, mainly women, very very badly? Did you even know what goes on in that industry? Do you even care?

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Michelle May 1, 2015 at 12:56 pm

My husband has had issues with watching porn. I’ve caught him in lies about it many times and expressed my feelings about it very clearly. I told him how it makes me feel and I don’t like it atall, but he keeps going back to it. I even experienced him being/acting more like what he sees on porn in the bedroom and I’m starting to feel like it just sex to him and no compassion or real interest in love making even occasionally anymore. I’ve caught him on social media sites looking up 20+ yr olds in skimpy clothing or lack there of and even sexting lines. I’ve bought numerous sexy outfits and done multiple things to spice it up, which he has loved but really how far should I be going. I mean come on now is he unhappy with my body now we are 40, I’m thin and in good shape and he says he loves me and didn’t think it would hurt me but it has and my self esteem and trust in him is gone. Am I crazy to feel like this???

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Shar May 1, 2015 at 8:42 pm

Hey Michelle , no I don’t think your crazy at all the same thing is happening to me and here I am on this site trying to figure out how I am I so lacking because I’m too embarrassed to talk to my friends or family about it, I’m a nurse I work 12 hr shifts it’s the norm and my commute to and from work is 2 hrs I have very long days, I’m exhausted, I’ve asked for help with household chores and its ignored I do everything including taking care of all bills, appts errands etc, and I’m exhausted I’ve talked to my husband and I’m ignored and instead of helping out and lightening my burden he does nothing and obviously this has caused me to feel resentful and my interest in sex with him has waned to say the least its hard to feel attracted to to him or anyone when all I ever feel is exhaustion! Long story short I needed computer specifically my lap top for tax time and whoa porn galore I was pissed, hurt you name it and confronted him he didn’t deny it just said “why are you so mad it’s not like I cheated” well to me it feels like he has, my wants are ignored , yet he’s up at night with porn with plenty of energy for that yet no energy to do any of the things I’ve requested so I may possibly have energy for sex before I collapse each night! I’m fed up he’s always made comments about other women sexually which is hurtful, no woman wants to hear how sexually a rousing another woman is for her husband and like you I’m not chopped liver, however I’d much rather be valued for other attributes than my attractiveness , i just turned 50 and I find myself caring less and less about our relationship his porn habit has driven a wedge that I’m afraid can’t be unlodged and its sad these men alienate their real live perfectly attractive and sexy wives for meaningless porn I just feel like I’d be so much happier alone, life is to short to give such intimate moments to someone who really doesn’t cherish them and honestly I feel like if I never find a man to connect with on that personal intimate level then I’m better off single!

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shana April 17, 2015 at 8:03 am

And too the women who think they don’t measure up like I did. Do you selves a favor and Google porn stars with and without makeup. You will start to think ewe that’s what he is watching and getting turned on. Women need to stand up with are not just an object to a man for their pleasure. Watching access porn also leads to cheating. I found out he was also watching live web cams and charting sites. So if they are heaving into porn my advise leave them! The only reason I am here is for my children nothing else. Than if they promise you they stopped they are lying to you. Once they watch it so much it’s like a drug they can’t stop.

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shana April 17, 2015 at 7:53 am

I made some comment on here a while back under a fake name. Let me tell you men who think porn is harmless. Imagine making love to your woman and you are not even with her (never). You are too caught up in your fantasy land. You watched so much porn that is what you need to get aroused. Trust me I am living it. If you watch porn daily you are training your brain not to be aroused by a living woman. Your fantasies become more and more extreme. If your watching every once and a while fine it probably has not effect on you. A relationship of 18 years and 3 kids is ruined because I don’t measure up too double D breast are I don’t let him give me the money shot yall all love so much. Not to mention I was molested as a child and want no part of porn acted out on me. I am tired of hearing how us men are wired different. Well us women are wired to have feelings. It’s a damn shame that I live miserable every day of my life cause I don’t believe in splitting up my family. You men say we like our woman natural all the time while you lust after all the fake. I know I went from feeling like shit looking in the mirror wondering what’s wrong with me and let me tell you I am no prude in the bedroom. I just want something real out of a man not because he seen it. Keep treating your women the way you are and eventually they will give up on you and all you will have is Internet and your five finger discount. Cause like me I told the one I love with all my heart and sole don’t touch me anymore use your hand and your phone have fun. Just remember when I see potential in another man there will be no second thought in my mind. You made your decision. Men need to take a long look at who really loves them cause you are going to see them in someone’s else’s arms. Guess what they will be in your fantasy than. I refused to be used anymore.

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jane doe May 1, 2015 at 11:23 am

Porn can be good to spice things up. Honestly how often can you have sex with the same person doing the same thing all the time before it starts to get a little boring. I think a couple should be able to enjoy it together.

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Jessica October 13, 2015 at 7:37 am

Shana I completely understand where your coming from I to had traumatic experience in my childhood. I have told my boyfriend about my past. A week ago I found out he was watching porn and all he sad was I’m sorry I hurt you but quickly tried to change the subject. Now I don’t want him to touch me and I can even think of him turning me on knowing he gets turned on look at perfect, sexy pornstars. He says its only when we don’t have sex but I want to constantly and he rejects me. I tell him I am more then happy to take care of him when I can’t have sex with him so his taken care of and he says he doesn’t want to ask because he does want me to think he expects it. I should start considering ending my relationship too since he rejects me every time I try to do everything I can to turn him on.

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Molly April 8, 2015 at 12:26 pm

I found a lot of porn history on my fiancées phone about a year ago and I’ve never got over it to the point where I can’t even let him see me naked. We have had sex since but very rarely and I cringe the next day feeling what he must think of my body after seeing those women with their perfect bodies (I’ve had 4 children) I feel porn is just a step away from actually cheating. He looked at another woman and liked her, she turned him on and he came because of another woman not me. Its completely destroyed my confidence and our relationship and will probably cause the end of our relationship.

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wife April 29, 2015 at 12:55 pm

U have just described exactly what i am feeling! Exactly!!!!
Every day i think,thats it,no,more sex. But we still end up having sex because i have needs to. And then the next day i wonder the same thing as u said,and even during. What washe thinking, was he fantasising, how did he even get turned on, did he have to go watch something before coming to bed. I know we r driving ourselves crazy with that thinking, but how can i stop? Ive had 3 kids and am nursing right now. I am a very attractive woman and very sexual, buthow can i not feel worthless knowing he needed porn for 10 years. It may notbe an addiction by definition, but that doesn’t make me feel any better.

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adele April 3, 2015 at 6:01 pm

i have totally been feeling this way for a long time.
at the beginning of my relationship i didn’t think anything about porn, i kinda wanted to watch it with my boyfriend, but at the time he didn’t even really like porn and it felt weird watching it together, so i stopped suggesting it.
I trusted my boyfriend, I’ve never REALLY been the type to “freak out” or go through a guys phone before, but because we started to get serious i wanted to be sure there weren’t any other girls or things like that… but instead of finding other girls he had been talking to, i found other girls he had been looking up, pornstars… i saw a lot of porn and videos he had looked up and i broke down… i didn’t know what else to do.. Like you, my mom has had to deal with my dad and step dad having porn problems and i see what it does to her and i never wanted any part of that..
so, we have our “talk” (more like argument) and he says “ill never look it up again”
time goes by and i haven’t looked at his phone recently, so i decide to go through it and guess what i find…. YEP, PORN! AGAIN! seriously!?
we have a fight again about it and again he says the same response “ill never look at it again”
time and time again i have told him how this Porn make me feel as a woman; judged, unworthy, like i don’t measure up in the bedroom, like my body isn’t fit enough or my boobs aren’t big enough…
he has been caught time and time again and tells me over and over “ill never look it up again, I’m so sorry, i love you, you’re perfect!”
…but if i was perfect and he truly loved me, then why the need to keep looking at porn…?
i went through is phone today and didn’t find anything but i DID find an app where he can browse and there will be no history or data saved on his phone OR on the app…..
once again, i feel betrayed..ashamed, and terrible about myself….
i don’t know even what to say or do at this point,
we have had so many talks about this issue and he knows exactly what it does to me, and yet i keep finding things…
HELP!!

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mindfull April 8, 2015 at 2:06 pm

He is not looking for perfection but variety and the drive is deeply rooted in the lizard brain and the drive to procreate as much as possible. It is not about you.

There is nothing wrong with your stand against it and your feelings are understandable but it might help you to accept that it is not about you in any way. I think you have a bigger problem in that he is making promises that he is unable or unwilling to keep, especially considering that it makes you feel bad.

He needs to be a man of his words or explain to you in a way you would accept that he will continue to use it and you need to respect his privacy. You will always find things on his phone to upset you.

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Mary December 13, 2015 at 9:34 am

So, you admit one woman is not enough for a man? If he wants variety, how can one woman ever be enough? She can’t! How can that not be about her when SHE can never be enough for him?!
But if you deny this, what about this example: if I hit a man in his face because, lets say, I’m angree about having a flat tire. Then it’s not about him either, but he still is the one that feels the pain. Do you understand?
If it has nothing to do with the wives, how come it hurts them so bad??

Did you know that compartelisation is a psychopathic trade? Being selfish and self centered, with lack of empathy and sympathy, very psychopatic! Telling a lot of lies also is psychopatic. Making promises you don’t keep, again, psychopatic. Enjoying others in pain, especially in a sexual context, very psychopatic. Did you know the porn-industry is runn by psychopaths? Explains a lot about the way it changes men in this way, they are being trained by psychopaths! Orgasm is a very powerful reward/learning mechanism you know! Psychopaths love to have control over people, and this way the psychopaths that runn the industry have a lot of control over a lot of people. And than, men turn to porn to feel control over the pornstars, minipulate us to have it all(=control too), again, very psychopathic!
Do you want to be happy again? Than leave him, he was not the man you thought he was! And if he was, he is not anymore! Cut your losses before you lose yourself. He’s not worth that! No man is!

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Lauren March 29, 2015 at 11:41 am

You are right. I saw the cookies and there were numerous porn sites but not very much data usage in regards to kb or mb. He doesn’t know about the cookies. I saw minimal porn use compared to what I hear from some wives on the blogs. If yahoo and news was 600 kb and they are only news than that means actual videos on a porn site should be more especially if the person had a habit or an addiction. Bottom line, after seeing the cookies I feel relieved that the use was very minimal. Yes I agree with you it can be a compulsive habit that I keep looking for his tracks. I feel sick. Meaning I hate feeling so suspicious and stuff. I think I can move on from it. I think I can finally start to trust my husband. We need to make sex a priority and when he was not making it a priority before and just handled things himself by masterbating, we talked and agreed that is wrong. I told him I can actually rationalize my celibate sexless pregnancy, he just wasn’t comfortable and interested in sex then. I can see how masterbation could occur. I can sort of rationaliZe the other scenario if him being mad at me or angry and then not wanting sex. Those are two scenarios where I can understand choosing masterbation but I’m not saying I condone it just I understand. However I can not accept him masterbation for a quick release or to be convenient. We agree now. I even told him I understand guys sometimes may want a quick release and not the whole foreplay drawn out sex all the time. So we talked about many solution. I am willing to do quickies occasionally if need be. He never knew this because in his mind he thought that was selfish or not about my pleasure. However I feel I rather have that than his masterbating solo. At least we are making out kissing and getting intimate and women need that intimacy. If he just masterbated in the bathroom and came to bed and rolled over to go to sleep, there is
No intimacy there.

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Lauren March 29, 2015 at 9:22 am

I am beginning to feel that men are more complicated then they claim to be. And it’s not just the women saying they are “tired or have a head ache.” I think women have that natural need to be desired and wanted. And that is what I feel I am lacking here. Just like men need to “spread their seed,” women need to feel dominated sexually and desirable and sexy. When I do the initiating all the time, I don’t always feel sexy even though times have changed and now men want that from us at times, they want the women to iniaite to take the pressure off or take the lead and they feel that’s sexy. I don’t have a problem with that but when I iniatite more then be does it’s a problem. I used to have a high drive but these past few weeks here I do have sex but my drive is weakened due to the conflicting thoughts, not feeling desired fully. Also he made a comment a couple weeks ago about “sex is a lot of energy or work along those lines.it makes me feel undesirable when he thinks sex is a chore. I think I need to talk to him to clear that up. Maybe it was a miscommunication. Bottom line though all these 9 years that he masterbated in the bathroom behind my back choosing that over me hurts. I feel he doesn’t do that anymore but I am still getting over the hurt. I thought that since we talked and he agreed he would come to me more I would stop feeling depressed.but I feel like he’s just
Not coming to me for sex or hand job. I don’t think he’s masterbating. But I expected his desire for me to increase. And so far I’m not sure it has. Do you agree with me that women are created with this need for feeling desired? It makes a lot of sense especially when women find out about their husbands porn use, they choose that to satisfy themselves but the women is tossed to the side feeling unwanted and undesired. It’s a win on his part getting his needs but the women is not getting her needs.

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Jessica October 13, 2015 at 8:08 am

I totally agree with you. I feel exactly the same way. My boyfriend acts like its nothing and does it behind my back when I’m sitting in bed hoping he’ll be in the mood when comes in but stays in the bathroom for while longer then usual and then goes straight to sleep.
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Mary December 13, 2015 at 10:12 am

Men are not built to spread their seed as much they can, that’s bullshit! If that was true, why don’t men want a lot of babies with a lot of women? Because that’s the whole point of spreading your seed, to make babies! Most men want to fuck around but don’t want any babies at all!
And there would be a lot less men, not ratio man-woman of 1:1, but many men-woman ratio of 1:5 or 1:10! Men are capable of multiple sexpartners, but not as many as they can.
Woman are built to have multiple sexpartners as well; our uterus can select the sperm with the best compatible DNA and help it to reach the egg, while it puts the sperm with other, less compatible, DNA to sleepmode. Why would women have this system built in them when we suppose to be with one man? Don’t women “get headaches” because they lost sexual interested in their husband, because they need variety too? Ever didn’t want to have a lot of sex when you had a new boyfriend? We all can’t get enough of it when we’re just together with a new partner, but after time we women get bored with the same man. Than the famous headaches come in.. It’s boredom!
Men are the ones who have introduced monogamy to humans!, but now they blame us women for it and say we have to stay put while they spread their seed in front of a computer-screen. Sins when can men have babies with computers? Men are completely delusional!
So if you want a good sexlife with one person for many years, you have to work on that, both. When a woman doesn’t want sex with a man, mabey he doesn’t know how to make his woman cum. Orgasm is very rewarding, also for women! Work on that, don’t turn to porn and leave your wife in the cold, she does have needs too! Men should not underestimate women’s need for sex to be able to stay in love with their man!

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Lauren March 29, 2015 at 7:53 am

Chloe,

Maybe you can help. Since I found the porn about a month ago well five or six weeks ago, I can’t help feeling this empty feeling like we are between lies. I know he used it because really he was too lazy and tired to have sex during the week. And only wanted weekend sex. Doing or upset bc well that is selfish. We are in this marriage together to make love and be mutually loving and intimate Not solo. Anyway one thing I can’t get past is that I feel nuts. Like I feel like every chance he’s not around I’ll sneak a peak at his phone. I hate this feeling and feeling on guard. Feeling there may be lies and the what ifs. I looked under settings and under safari and under web site advanced and I saw all the sites that we view on out phones. I really don’t think he knew about this and I haven’t said anything but whatever reason porn isn’t on there much. It says yahoo search has 680 kb and yahoo has 677 kb and yahoo need had 140 kb. So I may think instead of using safari to search porn he would maybe search on yahoo so I wouldn’t see that unless I went on yahoo. The weirdest thing is that walmart has 1.8 men and I learned that mb is larger than kb. He doesn’t even shop at Walmart and I’m still annoyed that I can’t figure out why that would be one of the largest things on his web data. Twitter said 1.4 mb and he doesn’t even have twitter. I
Also can’t say anything to him because now this is my only outlet to “spy” on him. I know it’s wrong and I don’t do t often. I only did it bc the past two nights we haven’t had sex and I feel inadequate at times and not desirable and this makes me suspicious too. I’m also in great shape, exercise, healthy. Take care of myself, size 4, working on a bikini body even though I just had a baby 9 months ago. We hear this all the time. Young attractive wife willing to have sex, wants sex, husband doesn’t? Why? What the hell I know he isn’t cheating and I am starting to believe him that he isn’t watching porn. Compared to most of the stories do these husbands here my husband isn’t like that. I know because I am always with him. He’s not on the couch downstairs or anything and also he goes to sleep before I do. You know you hear the husbands waiting for the wives to go to sleep so they can watch porn all night well that isn’t happening. I wish I can learn to trust him it’s hard. I just felt like I never knew for 9 years he looked at porn it is truly a slap in the face and a huge shock. So only six weeks later it’s still a bit of a shock to me. He still doesn’t want to have sex during the week much and I’m the one initiating. What advice can you give me. I think we will have sex tonight. I hope I can get past this hurt bc I feel it’s creating an invisible barrier between my intimacy with him that only I can feel.

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Mindfull March 29, 2015 at 10:32 am

Lauren,

I would not worry about the web traffic to Walmart, Twitter, or Yahoo. Walmart and Yahoo do extensive marketing campaigns to drive activity in email and otherwise. Plus Walmart is often featured when searching for something, especially a product, even if you do not shop there. Also, while some users of twitter use it to share links to porn, twitter itself does not host porn and of course the same is true of Walmart and Yahoo. Also, most web users, even non-twitter users, are linked into twitter for all manner of news and public interest stories. If you are looking for porn evidence you should look for suspicious website names.

I don’t want to encourage you or make you more paranoid, but you will notice that you edit and remove individual entries from the history. And depending how tech savvy he is there are many ways to hide this sort of thing. If this only way you have to deal with this is violating his privacy I think you guys have some big communication issues to work on. I know from personal experience that this kind of monitoring of your spouse can be addictive, compulsive, and will never actually give you confidence in the relationship. It is corrosive of your relationship and can only provide questions and things to get upset about.

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Lauren March 28, 2015 at 7:33 pm

I think I have an untraditional story. My husband seems like he has a low sex drive. I want it some times every other night. I iniatite and he denies me I guess you can call it. He doesn’t want sex. He claims he is tired which is true. He works a lot of hours. I don’t want to add more in case no one is even readinf this. But the point is that about a month ago a little over a month actually, I discovered porn. We have been together for nine years. Married for five. It turned out for the most part he would choose a quick release over sex with me for timing and convenience. He was to looking at it in a physical and intimate way. Just a quick thing. That is so wrong too that he only thought of himself. Since I discovered the porn we talked and agreed he would come to me instead even for a hand
Job even if he didn’t want full on sex. For whatever reason he doesn’t come to me for that. We do average sex about twice a week maybe three. I seem to initiate more. I think I need a way on figuring out how to change this. I almost go crazy thinking he is making excuses. Like tonight for example he did some yard work and also we just finished a movie with the kids and in waiting for the one daughter to go to sleep/ I’m betting when I get in the bed room we will see what happens. Sex or he’s too tired. This is what I see. This scenario. A man resorting to the easy and quick method over sex with a wife who wants to give it all the time and be adventurous too. We are only 30 and 32. Well see what happens and if we can improve this.

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Mattie March 26, 2015 at 10:10 pm

It’s a real sad society when women are forced with the idea that men are “hardwired” this way! That they like variety, they were designed to spread there seed everywhere, there visual! Who comes up with this nonsense? Lie after lie! I’d love to make excuses and take NO accountability for my actions too! Even at the risk of losing your significant other. Just assume that every negative quality your SO has…. its really just “hardwired” into them, so get over it! They can’t change it at all. After all it has nothing to do with you personally, how you look or feel…or how much your loved. It’s all about how your “hardwired”. Imagine if I told you brunettes were “hardwired” to be habitual liars, they couldn’t control that they lie sometimes or all the time. Would you really believe they had NO control?? Absolutely not!! Seriously, I LOVE how we excuse bad behavior! Since the male gender claims to be “hardwired” to porn why do we even bother to block it from make kids…I mean after all there “hardwired” to need it!! I feel so bad for any women dealing with this and I feel even worse for the men who are enslaved to not only porn but the idea your “hardwired” like this!

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Mindfull March 26, 2015 at 11:33 pm

I am not sure that this was directed at me but I will answer it. I can’t really tell because no on that I can tell on this thread fits your straw-man.

That men have and instinct/desire to mate with as many women as possible is a fact of evolutionary biology and in fact monogamy is a social construct. Arguably it is a good social construct and I can’t imagine what has led you to read that the fact of having the urge excuses it or validates it–it doesn’t. Neither does it help to pretend that the urge is not there or that it represents anything else other than instinct. Wither or not porn is acceptable in a relationship, solo or otherwise, is up to couple in that relationship.

I had thought that the point that a man watching porn is never the fault of his partner/spouse was a positive message that is easy to agree with even if you think everything else I have typed is a load of bull.

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Mattie March 27, 2015 at 4:47 am

…”a man watching porn is never the fault of his partner/spouse was a positive message…”
It’s not a question of it being the fault of the partner/spouse…It’s the impact it has on most partners/spouse’s.

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Dan April 22, 2015 at 8:12 am

Mindful,
You are exactly right. It has NOTHING to do being ‘visual’. The was a research/study done in 2009 that proved that women are just as visual as men. Actually more so. The male and female participates were ‘hooked’ up (and by this I mean their genitalia was monitored with probes and other devices) to measure sexual arousal while viewing pornography. Women were just as aroused as men – AND women like MORE variety than men. Women like lesbian, gay and hetro porn whereas men seem to focus in on ‘their’ fetish. And the men did not like gay porn. So there, science DID prove that ‘men are visual’ is just a lame ass excuse that the media and pop-psychology is pushing on society. And again, you are correct – it boils down to SELF-CONTROL and selfishness. Porn is all about self and self-sex.

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Cici April 30, 2015 at 5:26 am

The only problem I have with the evolutionary excuse is this…Who were the men spreading their “seed” to? The women also had a need to reproduce therefore they would get as many men to seed them as possible in order to insure the desired result. Now, does that excuse or explain women having affairs…because they are hardwired to obtain as much “seed” as possible and if they are married the husband should understand it has nothing to do with them..the wife is “hardwired” to want a lot of seed??

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Mary December 13, 2015 at 10:34 am

Applause!
And there is nothing wrong with sleeping around (if you do it in a honest way), just don’t get married or get in a relationship. Don’t want your woman to be committed to you when you don’t want to do have the same commitment to her. Nobody has to get married, it’s a choice you can make! Choise always involves giving up something to gain something else, that’s way it’s a choice; either the one or the other, not having it all! Is that so difficult to understand for men?
You feel like you have to “spread your seed”, go ahead, but don’t hurt anyone while you at it. Losing your load is not that important to let others be hurt for it!

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Mattie March 27, 2015 at 4:34 am

Another thing, if men are “visual” why is it they can’t see, the towel on the floor, that your sad, the kids need to clean their room? Oh, let’s say their “selective visual”
If men like “variety” why is it almost all porn is a specific age group & body type, not older or heavy women or gramma? If men are “hardwired” to produce…why is it you never hear men say, ” I want 5,7, 12 kids honey?” Oh, you gotta love all the rhetorical excuses to excuse them!
Way too funny!!

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Mindfull March 28, 2015 at 11:58 pm

I never made a point that men are visual. It does not seem relevant to me. But this seems like a good time to point out that not all men are the same, and in fact differences in cognitive approaches and capacities between the sexes are likely the result of living up to gender expectations versus a real biological difference (eg. “boys are good at math, ect..”) Neuroscientists are discovering the human brain is way more plastic than we have thought in the past.

The desire for variety in sexual partners is called the Coolidge effect. Read the link below, or you can watch the first few minutes of the Ted Talk video.

http://yourbrainonporn.com/porn-novelty-and-the-coolidge-effect
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU

Obviously you have some history or issues with the men in your life. I can’t compete with that in a discussion.

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shana April 17, 2015 at 8:10 am

Oh my Mattie tell them like it is my friend. Why are they so visual but close their eyes during sex? You know why they watch too much smut. I am like you sick of the excusses. I caught mine three times and he promised me it ment nothing. Again again well guess what as a week ago I told him do not touch me! Have your porn. It’s a shame that 18 years and he chose it over me.

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wife April 29, 2015 at 1:02 pm

Omg BRAVO!!!!!!! :))))

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Sally March 20, 2015 at 2:27 am

This article and responses have helped me a lot. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now and we´re in a long distance relationship. We have GREAT sex, but when I found out he likes porn, I felt cheated on, I could only imagine him (excuse this) having orgasms and moaning to other girls, it really hurts, cuz I feel like I´m ugly and fat for him, I´m only 21 but he´s 27. Last summer, we were having sex and he was “taking” pictures of me and then he left his phone and kept going on. We finished and later he said he looked at “something” for a second…I cried and my heart broke and I felt awful…we were not apart, we were not in different cities, we were there…having sex AND HE LOOKED AT PORN WHILE WE WERE HAVING SEX. He said sorry and everything said it´s hard for a man to sometimes get into it but why would he watch that when he has me in front of him, naked. I still remember and my heart breaks everytime. I would love to see what you think of this, it would mean the world to me, thank you.

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Chloe Jeffreys March 20, 2015 at 9:35 am

Oh Sally, I’m so sorry! That had to hurt like hell.

As much as we say we want a lot of variety in the bedroom the truth is that our sexual fantasies often becomes habitualized. In other words, we use the same fantasy, or minimally modified versions, to get ourselves off.

Since you two are carrying on this long-distance thing, my best guess is that he’s using porn a lot when you two are apart from one another when he’s masturbating and now it’s become a habit.

The simple biology of the situation is this: Most 27yo men want to have at least one orgasm every day. What this means for you is–if he’s not cheating with another woman–that your boyfriend is likely looking at pornography every single day, at least once, to help him get himself off.

The fact that he did this lame ass thing by attempting to sneak in some clandestine pornography while having real time sex with you indicates to me that pornography has become at the very least a serious habit for him. He probably is still getting turned on by you, but he needs the visual stimulation of the porn to get him to O’sville.

Look, it’s not hard for a man to “get into it” if he’s gone without a real woman in his arms unless that man has become habituated to pornography.

(Why individual men are always blaming their behavior of “being a man” is beyond me, but damn they all seem to do that!)

But it might be hard for a man who has become accustomed to watching porn for his sexual release to come without his preferred stimuli.

You’ve got two choices.

1) Stay with him as he is and accept that your relationship is always going to be dogged by his pornography use and that you are going to end up feeling like shit about yourself for the rest of your life with this man. I promise you that this porn thing is not going to go away, and is more than likely going to become a serious on-going issue in your life. Know that any promises he might make not to look at pornography are lies. He might even mean his promises, but he won’t be able to keep them.

He’s sent you a message loud and clear that pornography is part of his sexual response. Maybe it wasn’t always the case, but it sure as hell is now.

2) End this relationship and find another man who lives closer to you.

Sally, you are 21 years old and you have your entire life ahead of you. Imagine yourself five or six years from now with a couple of kids, a mortgage, and two car payments, and still dealing with this man’s porn thing, because believe you me you will be.

35 years ago I had a boyfriend and we started watching porn together for the fun of it. And at first it was fun. It brought some thrill and variety to our bedroom and it all seemed pretty innocent. And then one day while I was going down on him I looked up and saw him mesmerized by what was happening on the screen. Right then and there it was over for me. I could see it all so clearly and there was no way I was spending the rest of my life giving a guy a blow joy while he looks over my shoulder at some other woman!

I think there can be an at least not unhealthy level of porn use, but this isn’t it. And there isn’t anything that you can do to fix him. It’s not going to get better, only worse.

Take my husband’s advice: “Get a new boyfriend.”
Chloe Jeffreys recently posted..I Watched 50 Shades of Grey and I Liked it. Sort of.My Profile

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David March 20, 2015 at 11:18 am

Sally,

Here is a guys perspective. The porn is not about you and especially not how beautiful, attractive, sexy, lovable, or whatever. Katy Perry’s boyfriends want to look at porn and most of them probably do. The typical guy has a sex drive that requires a harem of 15 Katy Perry’s to satisfy because biology/evolution Yes we are pigs because of evolutionary biology and it has nothing to do with you. To Chloe’s point just because we have animal like urges does not mean we need to or should act on them. In particularly we need to not do that when it hurts people we care about or damages the real parts of a relationship. So I would worry less about the porn in general, but the looking at porn while having sex with you is just crazy wrong.

A long term relationship takes work. Partners have to value the relationship enough and be mature enough to take steps to keep a romantic focus on their partner, even as things get comfortable and routine by the passage of time. That he did this while you where intimate suggests a few possibilities:

1. He does not understand how, or even that he can control and guide his desires and keep them focused on you. This takes effort–it is not some natural indication of ‘true love’.

2. He has a fetish that is becoming a problem for him to appreciate an experience with a real women.

3. He is sensitive to overconsumption of porn, like some people become alcoholics but not all who drink a lot are, and its affecting his ability to be with a real women. Watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU

4. He is just not that into you. Maybe his feelings have changed and he is too passive aggressive to anything about it. He might even be a narcissist and just does not care.

If it is #4, You will have a lot of other signs and you should just get a new boyfriend.

If it is 2 or 3, He is broken in some way and is in need of therapy. If he means a great deal to you, insist he go to therapy but leave him if he refuses. You have to be willing to leave or there is no chance he will change.

If it is #1, you have to lay down your expectations for a relationship and see if he can mature into a being a grown man and live up to that.

Good Luck

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Mindfull March 15, 2015 at 12:03 pm

Men are wired to want to have sex with as many different females as possible as much as possible. This urge is turbocharged by testosterone resulting in the typical male sex drive. Porn use in a outlet for this. It is hard to overcome millions of years evolution and the fact been largely successful in creating a society where we live center to these urges, for the most part, shows that we don’t have be a slave a to our instincts. But the urge for men is still there and they can either choose to repress it, or express it. Both options have arguably unhealthy side effects.

I think men should seek to express this desire as much as possible with their spouse. But a failure to do so, does not mean a failure in marriage and is certainly not the women “fault”. Even if the women in the relationship has no interest in sex, does not take care of herself, and makes no effort to be attractive, it is still not her “fault”. It is biology/neuroscience.

That said, obsessive overuse of porn can be very destructive. Though the concept of “Porn Addiction” is controversial in psychiatry, there is a heaps of anecdotal evidence of ill effects from the overuse of porn.

-Desensitization to real women.
-Erectile Dysfunction.
-Acquisition new fetishes and the progression of fetich to extremes.
-Depression and anxiety.

Basically when you use porn you are releasing chemicals in your brain that feel good and like all things overdone, the more you do it, the less sensitive you are to it and the more of these same chemicals are needed to repeat that feeling/experience. This is where the addictive cycle comes in. So users tend to seek more variety in not just women, but in erotic themes until eventually even some really weird stuff can seem tired and boring.

If you want to learn more about this and see the loads of anecdotal evidence visit: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com

Or watch this Ted Talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU

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Chloe Jeffreys March 18, 2015 at 12:35 am

Thank you for this, Mindfull. I think this is very helpful. I agree that there seems to be a level of pornography that appears to be harmless. Many, if not most men indulge at times without any apparent detriment to their physical and emotional sex lives. As a woman I think it’s just best to sort of tolerate this for the thing that it is.

But when there is excessive lying, excessive use, and avoidance of real sex with a real woman then that’s a sign that there are problems. Thanks for the helpful links.

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Dee March 4, 2015 at 9:03 am

I’m deeply in love with my husband, we’ve been married over 10 years. For a while now he has stopped touching me, he stopped initiating sex. I would ache with desire and he’d moan and groan that his back hurt or he was tired. I got scared, worried and checked his web history he has been watching porn. When I confronted him he played dumb, then became angry. I went through a series of emotions disgust, anger, hurt, feeling ugly fat and the wrong color. Then I realized it isn’t me…I told him how I felt. First he made excuses told me not to take it so personally every man since the age of 12 or 13 has been doing that. My response I do take it personally when you replace me with a fantasy/porn. I could see if I never initiated or it was the same routine over and over but it wasn’t. He says he was just being an idiot and he’s sorry, but I’m not sure how to feel. I don’t want to feel inadequate but the truth is now I do. I’m not sure where to go from here….my thoughts are to continue to work on myself, and that includes taking his apology seriously and moving forward. I just want to know I’m enough for him, that I turn him on and that I’m his fantasy in real life.

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David March 15, 2015 at 3:03 pm

The porn is not really a big deal, but the lack of intimacy is. This probably will not get better on its own. You will have to decide how important that is to you and progress accordingly.

1. Try to work through the intimacy issue together
2. If that does not work, insist on marriage counseling
3. If you make thoughtful and considered boundaries/ultimatums, have the courage to follow through with their consequences.

The lack of intimacy is not your fault but is everything to do with how he chooses to frame your relationship in his head and the willingness to work on it.

Possible reasons:

1. He could be suffering from erectile dysfunction and would rather avoid it than fail.
2. He could be having an affair.
3. Midlife crisis.
4. Repressed issues around the relationship.

Good Luck

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Amber February 26, 2015 at 10:34 pm

I have been researching why my husband watches porn instead of sleeping with me. We just got married this year and everything was great until then. Now all he wants to do is work and leaves little or no time for us. I poured out my heart to him this week asking him why does he want me to give him oral more than having sex. He said im tired. Then tonight I got his phone and was going to hack on his Facebook page and say I have the best wife in the world. I found a porn site. But he’s too tired to have fun with me. I’m crushed and all I want to do is cry. I gave no clue what’s wrong with me that my husband won’t have sex with me. I’m lost.

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Chloe Jeffreys March 2, 2015 at 4:57 pm

Oh my dear Amber!! This comment makes me so sad. You’ve asked some very good questions, so I’ll try to give you some answers that might help you look clearer at your situation.

A husband who prefers porn to actual sex with his wife or lover is an entirely different animal than a man who occasionally sneaks some porn on the side. While his porn watching has nothing to do with your desirability, it is nearly impossible not to take this personally.

My guess is that the reason he prefers porn to actual sex with you is because it is less emotionally demanding than you are. Your questions about his fixation with oral sex are clues behind the unsatisfying sexual tension in your marriage.

Women often want intercourse, especially face-to-face intercourse, because it feels more bonding to us. Having a man inside us feels wonderful and intimate. It looks and feels like the love we expect to have from our Prince Charmings. Plus, there are the biological/procreative aspects of intercourse that feel very bonding for both men and women even if we aren’t actively trying to conceive.

I have never had sex with one man who didn’t love receiving oral sex. Many men fantasize about it a lot, and lots of men prefer it over vaginal sex which is why it plays a huge part in lots of porn out there. For men, sex is often more about a release of tension and feeling good, not an opportunity for emotional bonding and building the love story that women so desperately desire and need for their sexual arousal.

When he’s having sex with you he’s got to be “on”. When he’s having sex by himself with his fantasy porn girls he’s obligated to no one but himself.

I’ve become of the mind that many men are able to have both types of sex without much damage to their lovers or themselves, but some men cannot. For this second type of man, porn/self-sexuality take over their sexual lives leaving little room for sex with another person. It sounds to me like your marriage has tipped over this edge.

Your problems need professional help far beyond what I can do. Please seek out a counselor who is experienced with sexuality. I don’t know if your marriage is worth saving or not, but you ought to know that it is going to take a massive amount of honesty, and an even more massive amount of love and acceptance, on both of your parts in order to try.

Saving your marriage is going to require you to learn to accept your husband’s sexuality for what it is. Compromises can be made, of course, but fundamentally people are who they are sexually and I don’t really believe that can be changed a whole hell of a lot.
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Amanda February 26, 2015 at 1:07 am

I’m glad I stumbled upon this article. After finding out my husband (then boyfriend) was viewing porn every single time I was at work (while working the night shift as an RN) and lying about it. I browsed our internet history looking for a recipe one day and there it all was, right in front of me. I was devastated. I asked him if he ever did it again to let me know, and to not keep secrets. Flash forward two months, he had proposed to me and I said yes. One day I was fixing his iPod for him and find in his history he’s still looking at porn, looking at videos on Vine, and even downloaded videos to his computer to look at when I was at work. I feel like everything is a lie. It’s the lying that upsets me the most, along with the thoughts that obviously I’m not good enough. I no longer feel that I’m in love with him, our sex life has suffered, and I can’t have an orgasm, all because he is selfish human being that thinks of no one but himself. We are now in therapy. He swears he has no interest in porn, but why should I believe him? How can I ever trust him again? This is my second marriage and I’m 30. I feel like a failure. Thanks for the space to vent. I feel alone with these feelings, but it’s nice to know there are others. I was of course far to embarrassed to confide in my friends or family.

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Chloe Jeffreys March 2, 2015 at 4:22 pm

My dear Amanda, you are not a failure because your husband watches porn!! This sort of thinking is the very reason I wrote this post in the first place. Women, first and foremost, need to stop blaming themselves for the sexual behavior of men. It is not our fault they do or don’t do anything.

Why do men watch porn? Men watch porn because they want to. They get something out of it that is different from, but not necessarily more satisfying than having sex with a real, live woman. And that something has entirely to do with them and not with us.

Your husband may be lying to you with his mouth, but he’s being honest as he can by his actions. The truth is that porn does interest him or he wouldn’t be watching it. How much it interests him is hard to tell from what little you’ve told me, but obviously it does matter to him or he wouldn’t be doing it knowing the what the stakes are, i.e. your extreme displeasure.

You need to know first and foremost that there is nothing you can do to change him. The only thing you have control over is yourself.

It doesn’t sound like you’ve been married that long. Neither do you have children yet, or have accumulated a lot of co-owned worldly goods. That makes your choices wide open.

I guess the first thing you need to consider is whether you would stay married to him even if he always ends up looking at porn sometimes. Is this a deal-breaker? Because right off the bat I’m thinking that this will always be an issue for him in some form or another. He might become better at hiding it, but he’s not going to quit altogether. At least I think that’s extremely unlikely.

If you decide to leave the marriage I wouldn’t blame you. He’s broken your trust and made you insecure and you haven’t enough invested yet to stick with him if he makes you miserable. But let’s say you want to stay with him.

You asked him to tell you about it if he did it. And what would have been your response if he had?

I’d like to gently suggest that you also were being disingenuous with him, or at least not being entirely honest about what you expected. If he’d said, “Honey, I watched some porn this afternoon because I was feeling pent up and just wanted to jerk off,” what would your response have been? Would you have just accepted that, or would you have been hurt by it? Would it have started a fight between you? Would you have had a strong emotional reaction?

You need to be honest with yourself about whether it is the porn, or the lying about it. Because if it is the lying about it and not the porn then are you saying it would be okay with you that he views porn sometimes?

I’ve told you why he’s looking at porn, now I’ll tell you why he’s lying about it. The reason he’s hiding it from you is because he knows it will 1) hurt you, and 2) make you angry with him. He knows it will inevitably become a situation fraught with unpleasant emotions, emotions he’d rather not have, and he’d rather you not have either. Your reaction will also shame him and make him feel weak and badly about himself and his own sexuality.

I’m going to suggest a thought to you and that is that you do not own your husband’s sexuality anymore than you own him as a person. Yes, you’ve made some vows, but making those vows and living them is an entirely different animal.

Obviously, you share a part of his sexuality, but only a part. A great deal of his sexuality is actually hidden from you within his own mind behind a wall of secrecy he’s been building between himself and the world since puberty. His willingness to share his true sexual self with you is equal to your willingness to accept nonjudgmentally his sexual reality.

What would happen if you decided to attach none of your self-worth to his porn watching? What would happen if you stopped having an emotional reaction to it? And where does this emotional reaction come from? Do you truly feel threatened or are you just embarrassed about it?

I’m afraid my response is a bit rambling. But the bottom line is this: Is this a real hill you are willing to kill your marriage over or can you find a way to accept (I”m NOT saying condone!) his behavior without making it about you? Because, and I know this is hard to hear, and even harder to understand, but it doesn’t have anything to do with you. And I mean that in the kindest way possible.
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Katy June 19, 2015 at 8:49 am

Chloe,

I wish I could like this response a thousand times!! This is the exact dialogue I’ve had with myself and my husband and the conclusions I’ve come to as well. Couldn’t have said it any more perfectly.

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Krystal February 23, 2015 at 1:03 am

I don’t think it would bother me as much if we had sex more than once a year. I begged for years it seems like for sex. I tried everything. My husband says it wasn’t me that he was broken and that we together have the best sex. So why did i beg for 6 months this last year then just give up only having sex once in a year? He says I’m sexy and beautiful. I just walked into his man cave and he’s asleep with porn on. He said he wasn’t getting into with me about this. I at this point could care less that he’s watching it. It bothers me that he watches it and I’m not getting any type of intimacy what so ever. This drives me crazy. I not dead, I not old I would try everything he asks but still frustration prevails. His is an addiction that’s take his priorities and misplaced them.

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Chloe Jeffreys February 25, 2015 at 1:40 am

My dear reader, thank you for your comment. I am SO SORRY you are going through this. I guess I’m going to ask you the famous Ann Lander’s Question, “Are you better off with or without him?” You may have reasons to stay, such as children, or financial dependency, but I can’t see any long term happiness for you in this arrangement. If things are as you say, then this does seem to be an addiction and not just run-of-the-mill jerking off once in a while to blow off steam sort of thing. Withholding sex from you that you want in order to go and pleasure himself with porn is grounds for divorce within most Christian denominations.

If it is any comfort to you then know that this has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. I’ve read some studies which indicate that porn can have affects on the brain like heroin. There’s nothing you can do to fix him.

But you can take care of you. And I hope that you will because I see no way for you to end up happy and satisfied with this man.

If you are financially dependent upon this man then you need to seriously figure out a way to get undependent. Maybe it’s time to go back to college, or technical school if that’s what’s needed. If you have children at home then you need to seriously look at the effects of his behavior and your endurance of it on both sons and daughters (Hint: It ain’t good.)

Take care of you. He’s not, and nobody else will if you don’t. God bless. And let me know how it turns out. I do care.

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Robert February 15, 2015 at 9:57 pm

I’ve read a slew of comments before adding my two cents here. I’m 64 years old and my wife divorced me recently saying she couldn’t tolerate my pornography “addiction..” I don’t consider myself addicted to porn but I’ve been looking at it since I was 8 or so.. My ex has a Masters in Psychology and has worked for years in the mental health industry. I have found personally and I’d like to hear other guys opinions on this, that one thing I get from porn that I don’t get from my spouse is VARIETY. I also think variety is hard wired into men to procreate the species. Our goal is to impregnate as many women as possible to make sure we keep from dying off. Obviously this is not a conscious thing but it makes sense if you look at it as nature’s “way,” of insuring there’s a constant supply of new babies. Another thing that I think is just as strong as the desire for variety is that no matter how old I get, I still find I’m most aroused by young women who’s bodies are at their peak. This also makes sense in that you’re more likely to produce healthy offspring if you impregnate a young healthy female than a lady past menopause.. Conversely, just to be fair, I think women of all ages are attracted to rich men! Why, because they are the men most likely to be able to provide a stable and comfortable “nest,” where you can raise your children. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to explain to my ex why I looked at porn and why I’d masturbate with it and even with her training (I wonder just how much they dealt with this issue..) she has the same insecure and painful reactions almost all of you ladies here have when they discover their partner looks at porn. It got to be kind of a self fulfilling prophecy as I see it. She’d find out I was looking at it, feel shitty, then get mad at me for looking at it (knowing just how much it hurt her…) then she’d punish me probably unconsciously, by being cold and distant. That would in turn make me less interested in her, and she’d use that lack of interest to convince herself that PORN was ruining our sex life. I tried not looking at porn and actually went many weeks without it and I’d find that nothing changed in our relationship accept I’d find myself getting annoyed when I wanted to have a quick orgasm without performance anxiety or anything else. One last aside. I’ve been fighting depression all my life and after a number of recurring episodes was told that I should probably take antidepressants for the rest of my life. I’ve tried many different types and settled on one that worked for me and I’ve been on that same one now for almost 20 years. One of its side effects is difficulty achieving orgasm. At first it was fun to be the “stud,” who could do it forever, or at least a lot longer than I could before, but I soon found that I missed having orgasms and I’d use porn to help me achieve it. My ex left about 8 weeks ago and I’m terribly lonely and would love to have her around but she’d have to accept my explanation because I believe it to be the truth, or she’d have to convince me that something else was going on but we’d have to talk it through. As far as he believing I was less likely to have sex with her because of porn, it’s not the case with me and I doubt it is for most men. I can have an orgasm and get aroused again in less than an hour and I doubt I’m alone. My guess is that you women who are angry at your partners for looking at porn, make dealing with you on some level or another a pain in the ass because of your anger or disgust or disappointment. That’s why they hide it or deny it because they know you’ll get pissed. That just makes you MORE pissed and its a spiral out of control… Ask your partner if he looks at porn for the variety and for healthy young girls and I’ll bet you it will make a lot of sense to him. Most of us love our wives and partners and we don’t want to hurt them but we also resent being chastised as perverts or addicts or whackos. We also understand that unless we’re rich, we’re not going to get those young girls and even if we do, we’re not going to get the variety we’d like without major problems. Porn is kind of like chocolate. We know it’s not good for us but we will always want some!

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Dan April 22, 2015 at 8:19 am

You, sir, have drank the Kool-Aid of media propaganda.

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Deborah April 22, 2015 at 6:05 pm

This response is for Robert the 64 yr old man , ( I use the term loosely) who wrote about his wife divorcing him because of porn. So, she’s a psychologist but you don’t understand her reaction ? She’s a woman who wants a husband whose not some juvenile aging lothario who constantly gets off thinking about banging girls young enough to more than likely be his grandaughter. Good for her that she left your sorry ass behind. Hopefully she is having a better life by now without the added drain of your skewed logic about ” variety”. What a lovely compelling argument you present about men and their needs….and of course, why should any wife say or do anything to the contrary? Why should any woman be offended by her mans desires for someone other than herself and of course she should never be offended that he actually acted on it. I’m upset and disgusted because I’ve given my best sexual years ( so willingly, as I LOVE sex and my orgasms) to my husband who I loved. He got a diagnosis of ED and got depressed, clicked that magical free button, and lied his ass off and watched porn. Let me say, I am 65, look like 45, and still have a great body that enjoys sex. Except now we are in therapy, he’s even more depressed because he’s lost my love and desire for him. There you have it, porn and lies = death of a relationship. Trust ruined . You are what we like to call a ” man baby”. You’re 64, there’s no young girl who wants to sleep with you unless you pay dearly. If there’s any woman in here who is in this bad position with a man like Robert, run like your hair AND your ass is on fire.

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Persephone Love April 23, 2015 at 7:18 am

EXACTLY. The fact is, women need **TRUST** in order to really have sexual pleasure. Trust on some level. And when your partner isn’t honest with you, or is dishonoring your feelings by doing something he knows you’re against, there is nothing worthy of trusting. Lies and betrayal are a total turn-off. Women need to feel sexy and to feel admired and desired. With porn, that energy is spent elsewhere. Orgasm for both sexes releases oxytocin, the “bonding” hormone. The people that do this are chemically bonding with a computer monitor, rather than a real person. The human brain was not meant for this.

So yeah, I back you on this. Women need to realize that they were not MEANT to compete with this stuff. That doesn’t mean there is something wrong with THEM… it means there is something seriously wrong with their partners. Objectifying women just isn’t right, not for anyone involved. Reducing women to body parts? NOT sexy!

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Kacey February 27, 2016 at 11:34 pm

Dan, please explain your opinion=)

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Persephone Love April 23, 2015 at 7:04 am

Jerking off to porn is stupid. First off, as hard as you try, you’re not going to “impregnate” that woman on the screen. She doesn’t want you. Most of those women feel nothing but scorn for you. They only take your money and time, money and time that could be spent on more productive things in life. If you can’t honor and cherish the person you claim to love, you’ve got no business being in a relationship. Sit and jerk off by yourself and spend your life that way. But don’t drag a loving woman into your sick world. Sure, men like variety. But YOUR “needs”, do NOT trump the “needs” of the person you’re in the relationship with – not if you want that relationship to last. It’s not all about you. It takes two to make a relationship work, and if you’re not doing your part, she did the right thing by leaving. She’ll have a better life, and you’ll be stuck alone. Who the heck actually wants some old guy who sits around and jerks off to porn all the time? Uh, no.

If you’d stop thinking you’re such a stud and actually BE one, maybe you wouldn’t feel so depressed. The fact is, porn produces a dopamine rush, just like crack cocaine. You’re addicted. Think that you’re not? Ok, I challenge you to stop doing it – and not just for a few weeks. If you can’t stop, you’re an addict and you’re in denial and you’re just rationalizing your behavior. Classic hallmark of addiction. Porn has fried the dopamine balance in your brain. THAT’s why you’re depressed. Duh! Get off the porn, start living REAL life with REAL people that you REALLY care about, and see how much better you’ll feel. But right now, you’re living a lie. And with every click, you’re financially supporting an industry that harms women and destroys their lives, and one that fuels the demand for child sex and human trafficking. Anti-depressants aren’t causing your penis issues. The porn is. http://www.yourbrainonporn.com. Know what you’re doing to your brain. In fact, did you know that you’re actually shrinking your brain? No kidding. Porn makes you lame, AND less intelligent… and depressed. The scientific evidence is all there. They’ve been studying this for years.

Here’s a group of men who are getting their lives together, learning to be real and learning to leave the lie behind. The ones that succeed are having successful relationships, better sex lives and better orgasms with real women, and they don’t regret leaving porn behind. Get on board, dude.
http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/

And finally, every woman there is someone’s mom, someone’s sister, someone’s daughter. I’m sure you at least have a few women in your family. Would you would them up on display like that?? Now I ask you – why is YOUR mom/sister/daughter worth more than someone else’s? And no, they are not all choosing to do porn. In your heart, you know this. You’re just in denial.

Get your life together before you end up dying a lonely old man.

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Sienna June 5, 2015 at 7:51 am

Maybe your misguided views are the reason you’ve had 2 wives leave you and are alone. How many children have you “seeded” the world with? I’m as sorry but the argument that you loved your wives is BS. In the same breath you admit you would choose a young girl if she would have you. You sound borderline pedophile.

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Mary December 13, 2015 at 10:43 am

Men who use porn for a long time get depressed. So mabey quitting porn can get you of your meds, have normal orgasms again and get your marriage back on track, but he, just hold on to your pressings porn! Typical men solution; what ever happens, keep the porn and lose the rest! Men’s logic, I realy don’t get it!

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Mary December 13, 2015 at 10:54 am

Precious porn, not pressing porn.

I wonder, is your computer old enough to have babies? Go spread your seed in a tissue, do what a man has got to do!
If men had allway’s spread their seed this way, we would have been extinct! But hey, what do I know? I don’t have that marvelous ability of logic thinking!

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Carri February 11, 2015 at 11:48 am

I’m so glad to see that I don’t stand alone….when your partner has the entire day/night with you but waits until the minute you walk out the door to turn on the porn and take care of himself….it’s heartbreaking and makes you feel like you’re not good enough; that he’s more turned on by the stranger in the movie than the girl he supposedly loves….and now I understand the lack of foreplay, needing to be looking make up perfect with hair done and dressed for the day (half my clothes usually stay on). Oh how I miss what I once had with other partners! Turning over in the morning or before going to sleep (shoot, I even miss being woke up for a little romp!!) and making love….I feel like I’m the star in my own porn film. Don’t get me wrong, I am by NO means a prude, I’ve even had female partners, but a girl wants some gentle loving sometimes….I’m not sure if I can handle the feeling of rejection any longer….and I know better to initiate sex with him….he’s the one who has to “make the move”. I’ve offered oral sex and have been turned down when I know it’s his favorite thing–haha….I believe he’s afraid that in my sling that, it will lead to having to have sex with me and that’s why I’m turned down. People say I look to be in my mid twenties when in reality I’m almost twice that, small frame and fit, and what others believe to say beautiful (that’s not me talking, it’s others). So without sounding like a snob, sometimes it angers me that I’m not wanted in the bedroom when I know if any other man knew how it really was, they’d trade places with my fiance any day; that any man would think he’s crazy for NOT sleeping with me….being a year into our relationship things should still be HOT between us, but the only thing that’s hot is that iPad burning up porn almost on a daily basis on his lap. At least I know I’m not alone anymore, so thank you for that

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Amethyst joi February 7, 2015 at 7:18 pm

I’ve cried myself to sleep thinking that my body wasn’t good enough compared to the women my boyfriend watches, and even glorifies openly on social media. I’m a size 3, evenly proportioned and I’ve never had body image issues untill I saw the women he worshiped. The shame and anger I feel when he posts things about them being a goddess. Knowing I could never live up to those bodily expectations, and keep him entertained with what happens behind closed doors after the circus he’s been obsession over. Is it even worth fighting something that’s not even physically there? I care about him unconditionally, but he dose’nt realize the pain and agony I go through each time he does this. I’ve told him if he watches it, keep it private because I don’t want to know. But instead he flaunts it in a ‘sneaky way’ like posting for ‘woman crush Wednesday’. I have no idea how to handle this because he has conflict anxiety issues.

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Chloe Jeffreys February 8, 2015 at 12:37 pm

I am so sorry!!! This has to be very hurtful behavior on his part.

You’re not married to this guy, right? Get out now. He’s not worth another moment of this pain on your part. It is one thing to watch a little porn on the side to relieve some tension and quite another thing what is happening in your relationship. Don’t cry another tear over this jerk. He’s not worthy of you. Men watch porn, but healthy men who watch some porn don’t act this way. Please. I care. If you find you can’t leave him then seek some counseling from someone to help you gather the strength. Marrying him will only bring you agony and pain, and if you have a child with him you’ll be saddled with his bullshit for the rest of your life. Let me know what happens. I do care.

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Alex January 11, 2015 at 1:30 pm

My bf and i been together for almost a year now. Since we started dating we had a awesome sex all the time. To be honest im the one who always wanted, i love sex and i dont think its a bad thing, but recently he told me that he kinda wanna have sex that much anymore bcoz we have been have lots of sex ever since. But what i found out my bf told me that he watched porn and masturbate at the same time when i wasnt home. Im kinda get upset about it, i told him that i would love to have sex when ever he wants. I just dont know why he would watch porn and masturbate if hes telling me that we have so much sex . I feel like hes getting tired of me thats why hes been doing this. We tried to talk about it bcoz i dont understand why. I tried to think about it couple days and i told him that as long as its not gonna ruin are sex life and relationship then thats fine, but if he started to stop having sex with me and rather watch porn then we have a problem. But still im still looking for the answer, why would he watch porn even we have so much sex?

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porn addiction January 6, 2015 at 7:01 am

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bowiegirl January 3, 2015 at 2:37 am

I recently got married and found porn on my husbands phone. i know he watches porn and i have accepted that as i am pregnant and dont feel like having sexual times all the time. but it really hurt me that he has all types of pictures on his phone of naked women and me here pregnant taking care of him doing everything and a daughter on the way it just dont seem fair enough to me. i mean how would he feel if i had naked men on my phone? i feel betrayed as im not good enough.

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Trish March 20, 2015 at 5:03 pm

Men don’t care if you look at porn because they think in boxes. Since they look at life and each incidence as a separate entity they often times don’t see how their actions flow out and affect other people.
When they look at porn they rationalize that it is just an image or picture. The reality is that it is a picture of a real person that they are bonding with as the hormones oxytocin and dopamine release into the body and bathe the brain. Essentially, they are bonding with this image which is for the most part an image of a real women who by societies’ standards is considered a beautiful goddess, desired and worshipped. Let me put it this way, if you have a new Cadillac with all the bells and whistles and a used Ford Escort with a bumper hanging with some imperfections—which car will you want to drive?
We live in a disposable society and do want we want. We rationalize that it is ok that men find solo sex with these images acceptable and having sex with a person is no longer needed because their orgasms are all about self pleasure. Our society uses sex only to self serve, not for connection.
Are there any men out there that are interested in Tantric sex or are women only interested in this?

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Jen December 18, 2014 at 7:34 pm

I came across this article as I’m trying to find an answer to my relationship problem. I am 21 years old and my partner watches porn frequently after I told him clearly I am not okay with that. This is the THIRD time I have given him a chance with the usual “im going to change” “I promise I love you!” “this means nothing to me, I can stop”. I am no longer dumb about this. This is the third time he gets caught and I know it wont be the last time. It saddens to know that he is aware that it is ruining our relationship but yet still continues to go back to that. He says he doesn’t have an addiction because he feels as if he still has control over it. But I’m just scared this is never going to stop if one day we would to get married. I question myself as to if I’m making this a big deal? like he tells me. I cannot continue lying to myself and say I can be with someone that doesn’t accept the wrongful doing and how it pushing me away from him!! The thing that really disappoints me is that we have been through so much as a couple and almost together for 4 years now. This is the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with….
Can someone help me on what to do? Is this fixable? Do I give him ANOTHER chance? Is it really going to work??
I feel so useless as I’m seeing porn ruin everything we have worked hard for just go to waste.

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Reed January 8, 2015 at 9:01 am

I’m into a 25 year marriage with 6 kids. My situation is exactly the same as yours fast forward 25 years. It has never changed. I have tried everything to get him to stop including being a better wife, crying, pleading, and turning a blind eye. The thing that bothers me about it the most now (as I am pretty much desensitized to the actual porn) is that he won’t stop even after I told him it would destroy our marriage. An addict (of any kind) has no control over his world because he is controlled. I know this sounds extreme, but I am living it. The porn addiction has changed his personality and this has, in turn, affected the children. Think about the fact that your childreny might inadvertently be exposed to the porn also by someone they look up to. I’ve tormented myself for 25 years wondering if I’m in the wrong for getting worked up over the porn. Now I’ve determined that there might be women out there that don’t care about porn, but I’m not one of them. I want an incredible, intimate, loving, trusting, respectful relationship and it will NOT happen with a porn addict.

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Ronk November 23, 2014 at 4:22 pm

help me please :(…Im 20 years old and ive been with my partner for a while and he said im the best girlfriend ever, i have sex with him almost every night….i gave him bjs but on day about a month ago i started giving them under his desk at home but when i finished he would tell me to wait then i got up to quick …he was watching porn …he tried to hide it i shrugged it off cause it was only during this…a week ago it was his birthday so of cause we started to do it in the bed then ….he held the blankets over by head and i saw the phone light from underneath the sheets i knew and i felt so shit! then he hid the phone and let me out….the next day i went to say something and said dont do it during sex …he said it was my birthday and i dont want to discuss it …..i still feel hurt!
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Cedar November 28, 2014 at 11:59 pm

Dear Ronk,

Your “partner” is selfish. He is not treating you as a partner and I don’t think it is helpful to you for you to treat him as such. You are 20 years young and you probably are the best girlfriend ever and deserve a better boyfriend!!!! Every minute you spend with this narcissistic emotional abuser is another moment closer to the annihilation of your soul. (To learn more: http://www.amazon.com/The-Wizard-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837) You are hurting because this is very unnatural, painful and you need to be brave and save yourself and leave.

You are being used by an addict. There is plenty of research on this and plenty of information on this on this website: http://yourbrainonporn.com/
You didn’t drug, coerce or force this guy into this addiction. This is something he brought upon himself. He has to choose to end his addiction. This is not something for you to “help” him through. In fact, until he recognizes his own problem he will probably blame you for it (see the post by the married guy below). Do not stay with this guy because you love him, because in doing so you will be complicit in your own soul’s annihilation and that will be even harder to repair than the damage he has inflicted on you already. It will not get better until he fixes his problem, and more than likely he will not have enough humility to admit and truly repent and apologize for the hurt he has caused you and will want to start “fresh” with someone else when he is “cured” — that is, if he ever fixes his addiction.

Porn addiction creates:
1. A guy who can’t distinguish porn from reality…he will walk around sexualizing situations inappropriately. If it hasn’t yet, it will soon embarrass you.

2. He will not be able to read your social interaction correctly. Since the females in porn are always “ready to go” he will assume INCORRECTLY that there is something wrong with you if you are not, and want to be looked at with eye contact and not treated as a masturbatory object. Your existence is not ever for this guy’s desire to be the main actor in a porn flick and act it out on your body.

3.The emotional and mental connection you may have will fade/cease to exist because the more porn he watches, the more he will train his brain to read every look or expression or discussion you have to be centered around his desires (just like what is depicted in porn videos).

4. He will become less attractive. Over time, his testosterone level will drop, and his voice will become higher pitched and sound whinier. He will have emotional highs and lows just like a drug addict and he will take out all of that on you, because he will blame you INCORRECTLY, that this has something to do with you and sex, when it is really just him and his addiction. Porn is not sex and what he did clearly shows he doesn’t know the difference.

5. His brain and penis will become desensitized. That means just like an addict moves on to harder and more varieties of drugs, the more he will do that. This will lead to emotional and physical injury for you in the most sensitive places of both. Females in porn suffer all sorts of physical and emotional injuries (see link from an ex-porn female actress your age below).

6. You will suffer bad sex. He will skip foreplay (like they do in porn) and will not be able to sustain an erection (come quickly). He may not be able to even get an erection. He will try to blame this on you and your body or your smell or your outfit, or your hair, or what you said or didn’t say (see the married guy’s post below) rather than the effects of his choices and his addictions on his body and his lack of ability as a lover. This may affect you even in your next relationship with a non-addict.

7. You may really think you love this guy and you may care about him, but he has not treated you with love and respect and trust at least on one occasion and probably more. Once is enough to end this interaction. Don’t stay and hope it will get better. It will not. You will be wasting your life and subjecting yourself to torture and misery because this guy is taking in all that negativity bringing it into your life every time he is with you. Please read this for an inside view on how porn destroys lives (http://www.antipornography.org/ex-porn-star-jessie-rogers-exposes-shocking-abuse.html)

8. I don’t suggest you confront your porn-addicted boyfriend with his addiction. Addicts usually respond with violence (emotional, verbal, physical, or rape) when confronted with the reality of their addiction, or the potential loss of their drug.

9. You may think I am blowing this out of proportion. You may think, he’s wonderful, it’s just this one thing. You may think, I can help him…These are all the symptoms of someone who will enable an addict. It is very hard to verbalize the hurt you have felt. The fact that you did means you were courageous enough to love yourself and recognize a problem. I am highlighting that the problem is not you!!! I know it is not easy to find a guy who doesn’t watch porn. Even if you do find one he is often a porn-recovering addict. But I believe you deserve better than this and I believe that with the knowledge you now have, you can turn it into wisdom to recognize red flags and not trust someone with your precious heart, mind body and soul until they can demonstrate that they are trustworthy — and to leave if they betray that trust. Being single and 20 is a lot better than living with an emotionally abusive porn addict at 20. (Being single at any age is a lot better than living with an emotionally abusive porn addict.)

10. Please know that there is nothing wrong with you at all. Porn is not the same as sex any more than a preservative laden twinkie is the same as an organic 10 course meal at a Michelin starred restaurant prepared by a celebrity chef. Some guys started watching porn at age 10 and by 20 can’t even get an erection and have miniscule sperm counts less than their grandfathers’. Can you imagine being around a person who has eaten nothing but twinkies for the last ten years and then trying to have a candlelit dinner with organic actual food in a restaurant with them? Ugh. I hope you get away from this guy and put all the love and courage I know you have into building up your physical, emotional and spiritual health, that you build your success in your studies, career, and surround yourself with the love of people, animals, plants, and all things good of creation because you deserve it!!!

p.s. – This goes for all the other ladies on here too.

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Mary December 13, 2015 at 11:57 am

Amen!

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Michael November 29, 2014 at 2:02 pm

Dear Ronk,

You asked for help and here it is!

0) Please realize that although I have never met you, I care about you a lot more than you probably think possible. With all that caring and love for another human being, I ask you to please leave this guy right away. It’s Saturday after Thanksgiving. Go to your family’s house, a friend’s, whatever, and pack a bag “for the weekend” with everything you will need for two weeks worth of clothes and anything else you need for your survival (medications, passport, birth certificate, etc.) for the next month and the rest of your life. Change your passwords on all your digital accounts, bank cards, credit cards, savings accounts, etc. Order new credit cards if he has access to them. Stay with your family or friends or a combination of both for two weeks to a month. If you don’t have a job, get one now…it is Christmas season and you can probably find a retail job for the day and possibly a waitressing job at night. Perhaps you have other skills too. The point is that you need to earn as much money as you can in the next month because you need it now and will need it in the future. Get this money together to get yourself 1st, last, security and moving company expenses and keep working over the next year to pay your friends and family back for helping you out of this situation. If you’re in school, and you feel that this is affecting your grades, see if there is a way to drop your courses and get a partial tuition refund. Then begin again in January in a new apartment that you rent with other young women or an older woman you like and trust. If this sounds like I am overreacting or anyone tells you that this is an overreaction, read below and then re-evaluate.

1)This guy is not acting like a “partner” in any way and it is bad for you to think this way about him. You have been around a narcissist. I don’t mean a vain person that takes selfies and can’t pass a mirror. Every moment of your life that you spend with this guy is a soul annihilation that is completely painful and that is why you feel the way you do. The more time you have spent with a narcissist the more difficulty you will have recognizing that you are giving up your heart mind body and soul. The longer you have spent with a narcissist the longer it will take to undo the damage they have done to you physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially and financially. Read this book and you will probably recognize this guy in it: http://www.amazon.com/The-Wizard-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837
2) He thinks that just because it’s his birthday, he gets to treat you like an object? You are a living breathing woman and deserve to be treated like a person not a video screen. He was acting out a porn flick and using your body for it — using your body like a disposable Kleenex tissue and treating you and your feelings as even less than that by NOT EVEN CONSIDERING them.. There is no excuse for that…not on his birthday, not on Christmas, not if you make a mistake — NOT EVER!
3) He is a porn addict. ((http://www.channel4.com/info/press/programme-information/porn-on-the-brain)Porn addiction is real and is brain damaging, physically damaging to the porn addict and anyone emotionally and physically close enough to the addict to be damaged by its effects. Just like drug addiction, he will probably move to more and more extreme porn because, just like chemical drug addiction, he his brain and body will become desensitized to it. Addicts of any kind are no fun to be around. If you haven’t noticed already, addicts are incredibly volatile. Their highs and lows are induced by their addiction and they blame their highs and lows on those around them. His addiction and the consequences of his addiction are HIS FAULT not yours!
4) Porn addicts are unattractive. Over time their testosterone level goes down and they get higher pitched squeakier whinier voices (see Donnie’s post below). They get fat sitting around jerking off instead of working out and can’t build muscle mass well without testosterone either.
5) Porn addicts are embarrassing and socially awkward. They turn everyday situations into porn reruns and make porn-fueled jokes at inopportune times. If he hasn’t already, he will embarrass you at a family gathering, or social gathering. He might stare at your friend’s breasts, your sister’s behind, or be unable to sustain eye contact at a family dinner until after he gets his “fix.” He will not be present mentally or emotionally and will leave to “check voicemail” but really to go watch porn and jerk off.
6) He won’t be able to get or sustain an erection. Yeah, porn addicts have less testosterone than your unaddicted grandfather. At first he’ll probably blame you, or your “smell” (see Donnie’s post below. FYI, Donnie, video screens don’t have smell because they’re not real) or your weight, or your “tits” or your hair or your “ass”, or your sex drive or whatever. The key point is that he will blame you for HIS ADDICTION and HIS INABILITY TO BE A SEXUAL PARTNER for you. He will behave like a whiny drug addict with a limp penis like an old man and blame you for it! How unattractive is that?
7) His sperm counts will be lowered. Yeah, guys in their 20s (and any age) with porn induced erectile dysfunction are less virile an unaddicted man your father’s age or your grandfather’s age.
8) You cannot help an addict through his addiction. This is something he brought on himself. You didn’t drug him, coerce him or in any other way force him to watch porn, did you? Like most addicts, he probably hangs out with other addicts, and they reinforce his addiction. Just like drug addiction, he will probably move to more and more extreme porn because, just like chemical drug addiction, his brain becomes desensitized as does his penis. Let him talk about it with recovering addicts to get himself out of the situation he put himself in the first place: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com You are too busy rebuilding your physical emotional spiritual, social and financial health from this addict’s actions.
9) You have already suffered like females in the porn industry that are treated like their purpose is to gratify this addiction and if you stay you will suffer more. Here is something written by a woman your age (20) who worked in porn for a year and a half (maybe the same amount of time you’ve known this “boyfriend.”) She says,
“I just want you to understand that nothing positive comes out of that industry on either side of the screen. Some people think that they are doing nothing wrong by watching porn, but in reality they are supporting filmed prostitution that influences individuals to degrade, beat, rape, and sometimes even kill other individuals.”
http://www.antipornography.org/ex-porn-star-jessie-rogers-exposes-shocking-abuse.html
10) You deserve love. That love can come from parents, siblings, extended family, friends, community, pets, plants, God, a romantic partner or a concerned voice online, but no matter what, YOU MUST ALWAYS LOVE YOURSELF. What that means is you have to protect yourself, feed yourself with positive nutritious thoughts, feelings and interactions with yourself and your environment (anything and anyone around you) and protect, build and nourish your precious body, heart, mind, soul and life at all times.

Michael

p.s. – This goes for the other women on here too.

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Dawn November 21, 2014 at 10:14 pm

Admittedly, it really bothers me when I occasionally find my husband watching porn. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, I feel hurt and inadequate. However, I have to consider my double standard. I don’t seem to think he’s inadequate when I find something sexy and find myself aroused. Complicated issue! Reading some of the comments, it clearly runs the gamut! Well done, Chloe.
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Beverly Diehl November 21, 2014 at 2:12 pm

Well, I have a totally different take on this. I don’t think it’s the porn that destroys a relationship, but communication issues. I also think that if either partner gets in her/his partner’s personal business too much, that’s a boundary violation. Whether it’s a wife saying, “Don’t watch porn” or a husband saying “Don’t read books,” if it’s forbidden, that makes it all the more alluring.

If it’s something that impacts your relationship – if your partner expects you to behave like women in porn/men in erotica, in bed, or if all his/her energy is going to this secret hobby, then it’s a couple’s problem, otherwise, no.

I’ve dated men who MAKE porn (writer-directors) and who watched it for a living (review magazines), and to me, nothing that boosts my self esteem as much as a man who’s been up to his… neck in porn all day, who tells me I’m beautiful, sexy, and that he’s rather be with me than any of those seemingly perfect young girls.
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Mary December 13, 2015 at 12:14 pm

So where are they now, these wonderful men of porn? They dated you, told you what you wanted to hear, so what happened? Why are they gone when they said the rather be with you?
They didn’t want you minding their business because I bet they were banging those pornstars. If you want a partner who doesn’t mind your business, you don’t want a partner; Intimacy is showing who you realy are. People who hide nothing, have nothing to hide. Though I’m not a big fan of Dr. Phil, this statement is so true!

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Mindfull December 13, 2015 at 2:41 pm

Mary,

Clearly you have been hurt deeply. I sorry you have been through that.

Your critique of the porn industry and its treatment of women rings especially true to me as the most significant objective reason to not use porn.

But your pain appears to have moved into in misandry. I assure there are good men in the world and even those with faults are not one dimensional. In others words failing in one way does not mean the person is totally corrupt or lost nor does it mean the must continue to fail in that way.

I really hope you find some peace with your past experiences.

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jessica November 20, 2014 at 10:21 am

So I am not the only one who feels this way. Here we go we have been together 17 years and in the beginning I didn’t care we watched together. Now my view is different our sex life has changed. Sex is all about his pleasure instead of both of ours. It wouldn’t bother me if he watched say when I am not around but when I am there and willing big problem. The kissing is gone the foreplay is gone, sex is about him now. Yes I called him out on it. See porn makes men think women are ready to go. False we need the rub downs the kissing and all the stuff. We are not just ready as men are. So sex becomes like a chore get in and get it over with. Women love to please their men and as long as the man gets his its all good. Fact is men out there your women are faking orgasms more than you know. Trust me I am a woman. Take your time with sex and your woman will want it just as much as you do. For the woman with porn issues I understand totally. I have many inscurities with myself whether your big are small. Big woman want to lose weight small woman want to gain weight. Talk to your men let therm know how you feel. Tell them what you want express your feelings towards them. Talking can help tremendously it is helping in my relationship. Although I will never understand the porn watching of men I am willing to try to understand it. Doesn’t mean I have to like him watching it but maybeiI’ll just go through his history and see what he really enjoys. I flat out told him he was rushing sex and he wasn’t pleasing me and hasn’t been for a long time. Sex is a hell of a lot better and he also told me things. Open up the communication between the two of you it will help.

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Becky November 20, 2014 at 11:32 pm

I can’t agree with the “talk about to him about it”. Ive tried that =( Once I found it on his laptop he said he was sorry and he’d never do it again, he didn’t know I’d be so hurt. Then I was using his phone one day because my phone was dead and I needed the internet. When I went to the address field it “drops down” of recent websites and guess what: more porn. So, i actually went to the history to see when the last time was, and it was that morning (yesterday). This has happened so many times. it’s “I swear on my life I wont anymore” “I swear on ‘us’ I won’t do it anymore”. And what do you know, found some yesterday on his phone. I mean swearing on “us” and lies? Again?! So many times… Maybe I shouldn’t be snooping but after being let down even the first time…the trust is tainted. But at the same time, kinda glad in a sense that I found out. I even googled men jacking off in my phone and clicked on some videos (not watching them of course) because hoping he snoops through my phone and sees it. That way he can see how it feels. Then I’m like maybe I shouldn’t because I don’t want to hurt him and make him feel like me. I’m just not the “payback” person. Our sex life has diminished incredibly. He knows that I feel watching porn is a form of cheating and it’s like he’s not concerned. I just dunno…so hurt. Glad I’m not alone in this.

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Melanie January 3, 2015 at 12:15 am

I know the feeling my husband of 8yrs has been caught many times and always the fake promises and I love u baby blah blah blah I’m really fed up might try your idea of doing the same to him so he can see how much this hurts and can potentially destroy our relationship

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jessica November 21, 2014 at 9:56 am

I am so glad this woman made this page. Your situation sounds just like mine. He promised me and the it don’t mean anything to me. Talking seems to be working for us that’s why I mentioned it. Some men are in denile. I wasn’t spying either went to Google something and he tried to erase his history but didn’t close the history page out. I was pissed. It use to not bother me but he started watching more and more. Maybe I could understand it if it wasn’t that much or if what he was looking up wasn’t the opposite of me. I changed his Google password on him. I only know it he wasn’t to happy about that move. Funny thing though he changed his voice mail password wtf so who you have calling you don’t want me to know about? He was watching porn at work on the way to work and on the way home from work other times also. Some men can watch it and not have issues but he does with watching it. My sex life also went down hill with him and I told him. I am sure it hurt his feelings but oh well I am the type of person I tell you like it is. Except didn’t talk about our sex life until about a week ago when I found the porn again! He told me I don’t show him attention in the bedroom. I told him I love you to death but don’t enjoy sex with you anymore. He was getting to rough because that’s how they like it in the videos right? Or he asked me why don’t I get on top anymore. My response cause I don’t like riding a bull. His jaw nearly hit the ground. I told him than again that how they like it in the videos. I didn’t cook for a whole week for him. Told him flip open your phone and go to your site and ask fake world to cook your food. I understand guys think about sex a lot more than us. When men bring it to the bedroom that’s when the problem begins when it becomes all about them instead the both of you. I like the idea of you looked it up and left it there for him to see. I love iit!! See how it makes them feel. Cause a long time ago I looked up something just too try and spice things up and he pitched a fit about it. I feel like since I changed his password and if its not to much he looks up I will just deal with it. Did you tell yours that you feel your sex life has changed? Not just how you feel about the porn but also your sex life. He will probably be more interested in listening if you talk about sex in general. After all they say most men would rather have the real deal than porn. It was a hard topic for me to talk about with him. After all was said and done he said its something we can work on together. The sex is better and I feel like we can actually talk through things now. I don’t disagree about the trust being broken or the feeling of cheating cause it does feel that way. It does hurt that the ones we love seem to disregard our feelings about thing that they know we don’t like and still they continue to do it. He keeps saying I understand how you feel but really he has no clue. All I know is it does hurt but I am not willing to give up on us just yet.

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kyla November 19, 2014 at 4:11 am

My husband watches porn, not daily, but still a few times a week. It’s hurtful and it’s confusing for me. We’re High School sweethearts, have been together for almost 22 years. He has always had a playboy mag here and there, while I never complained out right, he was mindful to keep them out of site. I didn’t like it but figured he could have worse habits. But now with porn just a click away on his phone, and free no less, I’m just at a loss to understand it. I think unfortunately, it’s ingrained in them so young, that this is normal “man” behavior. If women we’re doing the same, but with amazingly hot men and normal women, men would be offended as well. I know my husband loves me, but he dismisses my opinion as my insecurity, he really doesn’t get that he’s just damaging or marriage one peep at a time. :'(

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jessica November 20, 2014 at 10:56 am

Mine says it doesn’t mean anything. My response it means something to me is all that should matter. Men don’t seem to realize some women are very hurt by it. Like I said in my post we use to watch together. Things changed after I had our third son. Women have to wait 6 weeks. He was hiding in the room for hours at a time and then I seen it all over the phone. It hurt me so bad. I figured here I been knocked up with your third child and you couldn’t even wait for me. That’s when my view changed. I wish I could have just laughed it off. The fact is we can’t turn off our feelings. He said he wouldn’t watch anymore. LIE he was caught red handed about two weeks ago. All the signs were there and I already knew but was in denile. The roughness during sex. Do men actually think we like that. Don’t get me wrong sometimes I do but not every time. I just don’t get it cause everything porn offers I do. So its not like I am uptight. I am a tiny woman 120 and everything he looks up. Big butts, big fits I feel if that’s what you wanted than why settle for me. He nearly threw a fit when he found I was looking at it just for new things to do. But at least I was just trying to spice things up a bit. His habit is watching at least four times or more a week. Yes it is damaging our relationship too. Maybe ask him what he wants in the bedroom. Mine told me to make him feel wanted more or to make the first move. After all these years I am still that shy girl you met I told him. As of now we are trying to talk it out and it seems to be working. 22 years is a long time sit him down and try to get it through his brain how you feel. He will dismiss it probably and make it seem not like a problem and say I have been watching since I was a kid. Like mine did but seems to be coming around but than again there is always next time. You are not alone and at first I thought I was crazy. Let’s face the truth men fanisize about other women whether we like it or not. The problem is how do we deal with it. I am confused right along with you.

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Ingrid November 17, 2014 at 4:17 pm

Well.. I’m not married but this is the only blog I found that had the same issues I have. Me and my boyfriend are 4 years apart and I do my best I’m bed being mentally incapable of feeling as good as I’m suppose to. But I try everything and do anything to please him, but I’ve found porn videos on his phone and on his Internet browser.
All he does is deny and deny when I confront him about it. Even when I shove the phone in his face and asks what this is he says he doesn’t know where it comes from. I feel disgusting and ugly and after that and I haven’t let him see me naked after but we have sex. He doesn’t look at me during sex he says he does but we never make eye contact. I’m a little on the big side but I try my best to lose as much weight as possible. I even feel like my hairs bad an my skins bad and every things just bad. He still talks to his best fried who tried to sleep with him. I don’t understand why. I pushed all the people whom had been attracted to me. It’s just not fair and it makes me feel like Im worth nothing no matter what he says

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Gabriella October 29, 2014 at 11:22 am

My husband watches porn every night it was a couple months ago I went to bed and I heard. Strange noise coming from my living room and on my tv there was an 18 year old girl in a pornography my heart dropped as I felt unwanted by the man who tells me he will never. cheat but i think it’s cheating when u watch pornography e every night I go to bed by my self I’m 8 months pregnant I think my relationship needs to end or maybe he should end it with the pornography I’m tired of being hurt by this

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Chloe Jeffreys November 15, 2014 at 11:22 am

Your comment brings up so many question for me. Did you confront him? What did he have to say about it? Is your relationship otherwise very satisfying? Do you have children together? There seems a lot that needs to be discussed between the two of you.

It sounds from your comment that this is a pattern of behavior. He tells you he’s not doing it, but then you find out he is and you get hurt all over again. I hate to sound like a broken record, but what about some counseling? Mediated conversation that helps you both understand where the other person is coming from might be in order, especially if you have a lot to lose from divorce.

Please realize that MOST MEN LOOK AT PORN. This is not an indication that anything is wrong with you. This may not be an indication that anything is really wrong with him. His lying and your feelings of betrayal though are a problem. Let me know how it works out.
Chloe Jeffreys recently posted..Another War No Woman Can WinMy Profile

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Becky November 20, 2014 at 11:50 pm

I, too, think it’s a form of cheating. I found a website he was on that was “live”. Meaning live shows–interact with one another? . How is that okay?! I mean…oh my god. Just typing about it makes me mad, sad, betrayed… God. Just dunno how to feel really. The only thing separating is a monitor. At the end of the day…having sexual fantasies of being with that woman they’re watching IS cheating.

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Kristen November 22, 2014 at 8:07 am

I have been married 15 years and with him for almost 20. Found out about a year ago that he started regularly watching porn four years prior to that when he was out of town working. I cannot tell you the level of hurt and anger I felt. We once had an amazing, fulfilling, frequent sex life and once the porn came into our home that all stopped. I didn’t know it at the time but porn was the reason my husband turned from a red-hot lover into an occasional screw. I cried, I begged, I asked him repeatedly to tell me what was going on and he acted as if I was a crazy person. I got every excuse at night as to why he couldn’t make love to me. Headache, stomach ache, exhaustion, foot hurt. You name it, I heard it. He just lied and lied and kept doing the porn/masturbation thing without giving any thought as to what it was doing to me or our relationship. He kept telling me he was stressed from his new job and that he just didn’t have the energy. I am a woman who would have sex every day. I’ve turned him down 1 time in all the years we’ve been together and that was because I was hurting and it just wasn’t possible. I have been turned down so many times it makes me kinda sick. I found out by accident and when I confronted him he down played the whole thing and acted like I was an insecure crazy lunatic. He denied the correction between his porn watching and decline in our sex life, just as I expected. He gave me the “every guy does it line” and the “what’s your problem” line and I just wanted to hit him. I wanted to punch him and kick him and scream at him and make him hurt just a fraction of the pain he was causing me. I felt indescribable sadness and pain. I felt completely blindsided. I felt as though he had ripped my heart out of my chest and danced on it. I no longer trust him. We are still together and I am trying to work it out still, after a year, and I have my good days and bad but I don’t know that the trust will ever come back. I do not think he watches porn anymore (at least not regularly) because for one, I have every Internet connected device he owns on programs to block and spy. Sorry, but that’s how I had to handle it. I saw it in there one day about 6 months after this whole thing blew up and of course he denied it to the hilt but I explained about the blocking and spyware and I haven’t seen it since. Anyway, I just want men out there to know that if they TRULY love their woman, they need to stop and think about how this behavior can hurt that woman and how very destructive it can be on a relationship. Porn for some is ok if BOTH partners in the relationship are fine with it, that’s one thing but if you’re going behind your significant other’s back and you KNOW it would hurt them tremendously, why not ACT LIKE A MAN AND BE HONORABLE. I know there are lots of things that I don’t do because I know my husband wouldn’t be ok with them. I LOVE and RESPECT him enough to make those sacrifices. Why is that so hard?
Kristen recently posted..Another War No Woman Can WinMy Profile

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Christina October 18, 2014 at 7:04 pm

I can’t really say that I am completely mad about my fiance watching porn. I don’t think he tells the truth exactly about how much he watches it. He also says that he only watches the weird stuff which is not true either because I have caught him when he’s in the bathroom. He does not masterbate to it that I know of but I have noticed that he likes to make love shortly after watching. Of course I don’t day anything anymore about it because he says he doesn’t do it so therefore he lies to me. Do you know how worthless it makes me feel for him to come make love to me after he just gets done watching porn? I feel so unsexy.. so hurt. Why does he have to do this? He have a very very good sex life..it’s is amazing and we have sex all the time. Literally every day. Does he think about these woman? I surely don’t have what they have. I am lacking alot up top and I know he likes that. Why be with me if I’m not enough? I would never be disrespectful to him like that. I surely don’t fantasize about anyone other than him! Feeling hurt.. worthless..ashamed..ashamed and let down. Am I feeling this way for a reason?

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Chloe Jeffreys November 15, 2014 at 11:23 am

You are not alone in your feelings. I’m not so sure that we should take on feelings of worthlessness and shame though. This is such a common reaction from women. I wonder if there’s a way we can work around this and stop feeling so badly about ourselves.
Chloe Jeffreys recently posted..Another War No Woman Can WinMy Profile

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kim November 22, 2014 at 8:57 am

I think women, including myself, might take on these feelings because after we’ve expressed our feelings on it and if the man still wants it, it’s a natural reaction to feel not heard or that I’ve even registered into the equation other than that I’ve disrupted his routine or our life. I honestly don’t know how to compromise on porn. Even just a little bit of watching on his part would be upsetting because I feel like women are always being used for sex just about everywhere I turn. Maybe I’d feel differently about porn if that weren’t the case.

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Ida September 25, 2014 at 7:05 am

My husband promised me he wouldn’t watch Porn again, because when we first moved into our house I caught him emailing and viewing Porn and girls from Craig list. I don’t know why he would talk or view them??? Makes me feel useless and he just has me because have a vagina so he can think he’s Fucking them girls But supposebly he says” he doesn’t watch it” but I don’t trust him like I use to? I just had a dream that he was in the restroom with his other phone that had been broken and he was watching it. When I opened the door real quick he was trying to not let me see it so I snatched the phone he was watching Porn :'( I slapped him in my dream like at 10 to 50 times because I was very angry and hurt 🙁 please I need help I don’t know what to do? Do you think my husband is watching it again because of my dream?

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Chloe Jeffreys November 15, 2014 at 11:28 am

You have a complicating level of behavior to deal with in that he’s actually contacting other women. This is a serious problem. I strongly encourage that you seek out counseling right away and insist he go with you. He could be putting your health at risk if he’s actually meeting up with these women.

What I am certain about here is that this is not an indication that something is lacking in you. You cannot fix him. His compulsion is his issue. His lying is his fault. It sounds like you two need to start having some serious heart to hearts. I’m not going to lie. This is going to take a lot of hard, hard work. Only you know if it is worth it or not to try to save your relationship.

Looking at porn occasionally might not be a big deal, but contacting women on Craig’s List is. Let me know how it works out.
Chloe Jeffreys recently posted..Another War No Woman Can WinMy Profile

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korynnet September 22, 2014 at 10:25 pm

Im a female & I think of sex 24/7. I’m always down if my boyfriend is. I watch porn so does he and lately we’ve watched together….

Every time he stares at the screen the whole time. All I can think is he’s thinking about sucking these girls and doesn’t look twice at me. I didn’t even get off tonight and he asked why I was mad?! I tried to explain I didn’t get off.. selfish?

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sara September 19, 2014 at 7:45 pm

My boyfriend of almost three years watches porn every damn day and 90% of the time masturbates and i totally hate it. I am always willing and ready. I love the closeness and love being intimate. When we do have sex its simply amazing and fun. I just dont know how to take this cuz i always feel like its something to do with me :/

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brenda September 19, 2014 at 6:03 am

I myself am going through the same struggle. I feel betrayed hurt and angered . I use to like porn occasionally but when i found out he was watching it too ,itangered me .my husband has been hiding this from me for quite a while and i feel as though its a slap in the face. My mother and sister tell me i am over reacting and that all men do it. But i feel as though i am not enough for him when he watches it behind my back. He sais and swears he doesnt know why he cant stop and that it has nothing to do with me and him. Im am honestly tired and drained from this situation with him. I am considering a divorce

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Dave November 1, 2014 at 12:05 pm

Brenda,
please consider the fact that your husband may be right in the fact that he cannot stop. Studies have shown that porn is as addictive as drugs, and some viewers even experience the same type of withdrawal from it. Your husband is not lying… And continuing to let him watch porn is the same as letting a coke addict do another line. Consider doing research on this topic…

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Michele September 13, 2014 at 2:51 pm

Porn is not harmless. It teaches lies about women. If all these listed below weren’t reason enough to reject porn, try reading the stories of women who have come out of the sex industry and all the destruction it brought into their lives. Men who watch porn are lazy and selfish, period. It takes a lot of commitment, effort, and sacrificial love to satisfy a real woman. Porn allows men to bypass the intimacy part of a relationship in favor of a short lived ejaculation.

Pornography Lies (I didn’t write these)
Lie: Women are less than human. The women in Playboy magazine are called “bunnies,” making them cute little animals or “playmates,” making them a toy. Porn often refers to women as animals, playthings, or body parts. Some pornography shows only the body and doesn’t show the face at all. The idea that women are real human beings with thoughts and emotions is played down.
Lie: Women are a “sport.” Some sports magazines have a swimsuit issue. This suggests that women are just some kind of sport. Porn views sex as a game and in a game: You have to win, conquer or score.
Lie: Women are property. It’s common to see pictures of the slick car with the sexy girl draped over it. The unspoken message is, “Buy one, and you get them both.” Hard-core porn carries this even further. It displays women like merchandise in a catalogue, exposing them as openly as possible for the customer to look at. It’s not surprising that many young men think that if they have spent some money taking a girl out, they have a right to have sex with her. Porn tells us that women can be bought.
Lie: A woman’s value depends on the attractiveness of her body. Overweight or less attractive women are ridiculed in porn. They are called dogs, whales, pigs or worse, simply because they don’t fit into porn’s criteria of the perfect woman. In fact, if someone is attracted to a heavyset woman, porn labels that a fetish, which means sexual obsession or hang-up that isn’t “natural.” Porn doesn’t care about a woman’s mind or personality, only her body.
Lie: Women like rape. “When she says no, she means yes” is a typical porn scenario. Women are shown being raped, fighting and kicking at first, and then starting to like it. Porn eroticizes rape and makes it arousing. Women are shown being tied up, beaten, and humiliated in hundreds of sick ways and finally begging for more. Even while being tortured, the porn actors and actresses have a smile on their face — a look of intense enjoyment. Porn teaches men to enjoy hurting and abusing women for entertainment.

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Donnie September 9, 2014 at 3:48 pm

I just HAD to weigh in on this. I have been a man all my life – and yes – sex is on our mind a lot – but for me and just about every guy friend I have ever had, we want a woman who likes sex too – I wish my wife would act fun and flirty and make the first move – I think women can be too passive waiting for the man to initiate and then feel insecure when we don’t – but we think they just don’t like sex that much or – as in my relationship – my wife sort of just shows up and plops down in bed with no mood music, candles, or enthusiasm. I like the women in porn who seem to give it their all – that is the fantasy for guys – women who seem to understand that sex is fun and invigorating and relational – we connect through sex and we want to be desired. Flirt with us – dress sexy for us – spray on some perfume – or just grab us and bang us – there are so many ways to do it. Often men feel like their wives like shopping, eating chocolate, buying stuff – more than they care for being intimate with us. That hurts – but most men are not going to cry baby over it – we just find someone who likes sex – and in the meantime, thank you porn for being there for us. It also hurts when women shame us for wanting sex and for wanting good sex. Where the hell did they learn that move? I have cried myself to sleep in my earlier years of marriage because my wife had a headache – and of course, you can’t have sex with a headache, right? Are you kidding – I would have sex if I was on life support and had ten minutes to live. Most men would! If you want your man to stay connected to you ladies – don’t shame him for wanting to get naked with you or even for wishing you took a little bit better care of your body and appearance, smell, etc. Don’t throw us away because we looked at porn – it isn’t the porn – it is the search to satisfy the need for you.

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tricia October 4, 2014 at 11:45 am

Donnie thanks for your input but must ask….. Why does my man hide in shed with porn and insert weird objects in his rectum? He Knows I have butt fetish but makes me feel bad for even trying?

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Selena October 18, 2014 at 9:50 pm

What about women who want sex, and do make the effort to be attractive, and show desire for their husbands only to have their husbands reject them? There was a two month period that we did not have sex and when I inquired about it, my husband claimed he was just stressed out from work. I asked if he had at least been masturbating, because I found it hard to believe that he had not had an orgasm in two months and he became very defensive. It was two months later that I discovered he had been looking at porn the whole time. He assured me it wasn’t personal. How could that NOT be personal? He could have had sex with me but he chose porn. Ouch.

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Art November 18, 2014 at 2:51 pm

There could not be a better description of my own situation and my own views on marital sex and porn. Nice to hear from someone who thinks viewing porn deserves to be included on the list of benefits one can receive through the virtual representation of a sexual experience one is unable to have within the privacy of his own connubial bedroom. The sex drive has to go somewhere. Too bad it has to be porn instead of the spouse.

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Mary December 13, 2015 at 1:56 pm

You don’t know how to satisfy your wife. What you describe is a woman who is bored with you because you don’t know how to please her. Women can have orgasms that can last up to 20+ minutes, it’s amazing! If you know how to make her come like that, go on a journey of sexual Discovery, and I bet you she will be all over you! She has needs too. We women also need sex to connect, don’t underestemate our need for GOOD sex. Not just to be used as something to deposit your sperm into. You sound like a guy who just thinks of himself, so I bet she is looking for it elsewere too.

Men have beerbelly’s, balding heads, wear dirty underpants, have hairy backs, small dicks etz, you’re not realy Gods yourselves, you know! How much effort are you putting in making you attractive for your wife?

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marcie September 9, 2014 at 11:25 am

Oh my goodness. Do ladies really and truly understand just how much of the time guys think about sex? Really? Because it is ALL the TIME. All. The. Time. Allthetime. Oh, and all the time. No matter what anyone may tell you otherwise, guys think about sex just about non-stop. This is not bad or good in and of itself, it’s just how they are wired.

My personal view is that viewing porn is a healthy outlet. Of COURSE it can go wrong; there are people out there and sometimes they act in ways that are BAD. A lot of people practice making other people feel like sh*t all the time. Sometimes they are just plain mean. Sometimes they use porn to make a woman feel inadequate. Pick your poison. Porn can be degrading to women, but so can a zucchini. Don’t denigrate all vegetables because sometimes they are misused.

Most men watch porn because they are horny. Period. My guess is that if men had sex as much as they wanted to they wouldn’t watch as much porn. If you feel that the amount of sex YOU want to have is perfect and that anything more than that is necessarily a judgment on your sexual prowess or attractiveness, then that is an issue to discuss with your loved one and/or therapist. I think, in general, most guys are almost pathetically easy to please. They want a warm, loving body that likes to give and receive sexual enjoyment. I don’t think most guys labor under the delusion that every time they make love it will be with a hot 18 year old. Most men are quite kind-hearted and would be ecstatic for a roll in the hay with YOU, the woman they chose to marry/partner/whatever.

My point is, anything can be twisted into something else. But it is always the people behind it doing the twisting. If the fact that your partner watches porn makes you feel ashamed, please, love yourself and try to understand the reason behind the shame.

And my heart goes out to those whose partners would rather watch porn then be with them. I am truly sorry that there are guys out there who are such dummies.

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Donnie September 9, 2014 at 3:50 pm

Right on Marcie. You seem to have a grasp for a woman. 🙂

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Art November 18, 2014 at 3:53 pm

I agree with Donnie, you do have an uncanny grasp of the way men are wired. Speaking as a “wired” man myself, I can emphatically affirm what you say. A man’s sexual needs are very simple to satisfy, a fact that seems to fly over the head of most married women. A satisfied man will slay any dragon for his queen, and porn becomes a totally irrelevant issue.

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kim November 22, 2014 at 9:05 am

If men are that focused on sex then how can they be doctors seeing naked bodies? Obviously they can choose to control their thoughts and themselves and can remove sex from a vulnerable situation for women. So to say that they have to have porn because they’re so obsessed makes them sound like helpless animals. They choose to make choices in some cases and not in another. We are able to use our minds and to think complex thoughts and to be able to choose to control or not control what we want when we want, so why are we acting like porn is some necessity?

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Emilyherron16@yahoo.com Stilkswkk September 6, 2014 at 2:50 pm

porn star had to be a pornstar

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rita August 27, 2014 at 3:58 pm

i tryed watching porn when i was younger with my boyfriend but i got embarrassed and he turned it off and we continued, my first husband never watch porno movies but i did catch him j***** off in bathroom to playboy and i cryed, so now my 2nd husband, at first never watched it occasionally while oral sex he would then a lil more and more until just 2 days ago mind you he hasnt touch me in almost 3weeks, took a 20 min.shower comes into bed and he started and one thing led to another so while we were having sex, he was behind me watching porn on his phone!! he tryed to hide it and I seen it and said to turn it off and he replied i always watch porn …(well not lately not with me) he watches it almost every night in the living room on his phone or laptop and says it keeps me goin..so i just held my head down with no movement or anything until he was done…..so yes in my case it really hurt me, i was numb the next day after and still am, my self esteem went out the window..and in ending i dont want to ever have sex with him again!!! 28 yrs together, and 14 married……….thanks for reading signed lonely girl

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Katy August 24, 2014 at 4:57 pm

No its not okay. If it is so okay why do they sneak and hide to do it? One of my SOs felt incredible shame about doing it. What does that tell you? If its so ok it should be like opening the mail or brushing your teeth, something you can do IN FRONT of your SO. And if that is not the case, it is obviously wrong. Simple logic.

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Jake August 23, 2014 at 11:37 am

Porn can save a relationship. I know because it had saved mine.

Before anyone starts thinking this is impossible just imagine 2 people being sexually active until one just stops. My fiance and I were very active until she stopped receiving me at all. When we discussed this she commented she started to feel wrong during intercourse and said it was because we weren’t married yet. Relenting on occasion we did get active for Valentines and Christmas for a couple years until we got married.

Once we did get married we didn’t start having intercourse and she became more withdrawn with all intimacy talking how certain things bothered her about the neighborhood, house, etc. Taking another job I bought the home of her choosing to have her withdraw even more and become mentally and physically ill. Physically she could still make love or even cuddle but had become so withdrawn it could be weeks between hugs or kisses. Unwilling to get proper help our relationship worsened to the point of violence (and no I never hit my wife other than one accidental swing of my arm caught her good to which I still feel bad about years later).

The violence was the final straw where I forced my wife into treatment the day I filed for divorce. The only way I would hold off was she had to seek treatment and was promised she would. After rescheduling several times I forced her to her first appointment that started the healing of our relationship. Finding out what was wrong with her isn’t treatable but manageable with medication and diet. However the downside is much of her medication reduces her sexual drive but we still have intimate moments of even just cuddling and kissing.

While our marriage isn’t perfect I love my wife and after 15 years do make love to her sometimes monthly but usually bimonthly. From the first time of frustration of not getting to be intimate I had resorted to porn as a quick fix. If not for those quick fixes I don’t think I could have lasted the 7 years of turmoil. Do I love my wife? YES. Would I rather make love to my wife than watch porn? Anytime. But to this day I believe that it was porn which saved our marriage.

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chris August 22, 2014 at 9:45 pm

It just makes the deed quicker when your partner isnt fulfilling needs

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chelz August 17, 2014 at 11:26 pm

I think a lot of times it’s out of boredom. I can understand that in a way because I sit and read posts on forums he would have zero interest in. If it doesn’t interfere with your intimacy then it’s really just a form of entertainment. Don’t get me wrong here, I’m 100% struggling to let it be that (since our sex life is constant and doesn’t change with how often he watches I am trying). partially because I have very low self-esteem and zero confidence in my looks and right now I feel like I have never looked worse, especially my skin and it devastates those few days I might feel ok, and partially because I’m also getting older and feeling much less appealing to my (not that much) younger man.he says nice things about the way I look and then watches porn with all these young gorgeous women and I feel like what he tells me is just a lie. My biggest question though: I’m the one who would love to have sex more, but he’s the one watching all the porn, should I be worried?

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Misty August 17, 2014 at 3:52 pm

I don’t think that it is necessarily a bad thing, depending on how they use it. If they completely ignore you for it or use it instead of being intimate with you than it is bad. Women ARE VERY much overly upset and against porn. But men are actually using it to be more curious and explore. Maybe we should be more accepting and see the scenes as possible fantasies that your man might want to live out with you. But you also shouldn’t use it in excess to the point where you have to have it just to have sex. Once a week at the most. Don’t make your man scared to watch porn with you or have them hide it from you either, your job as their partner is to make them feel like you can come to you with anything and everything and to share the joys and sorrows of life with them. Take this as a joy and share it together!

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deede August 15, 2014 at 3:11 pm

Wow I could have written this myself! Same exact story! I vant get over the fact that for years, I thought our sex life was great! Just to find out the whole time he was watching porn! I cant get over it! I am thinking of ways to get him to meet someone, so I can watch secretly! Crazy things it makes me think of doing!

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Sheryl Gerke August 13, 2014 at 9:40 am

My partner watches porn in the morning to start his day and at night to go to bed. The problem is he isn’t touching me. He is 59, no teeth, and very small. I am 54, lost 75 pounds to please him, and retired. I have heard now it is the extra skin I have on me. I have had kids. I am not a young perky thing but I feel good about myself…I don’t think I am bad looking. I just can’t seem to fill his mold. He keeps telling me it will get better just give it time. I can’t compete with the girls on the screen. Am I wasting my time? Will I ever be good enough for him? I feel awful when he can spend hours watching them but won’t give me the time of day.

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Jenna August 11, 2014 at 11:16 pm

I think it has to do with a universal and very normal fascination with sex. If we didn’t have that, our species would have been snuffed out long ago. Sometimes, male or female, we want to see something new–something different. This isn’t always because there is a lessened interest in what we have already in our significant other, but just because what is new is interesting and can get us *ahem* hot and bothered more quickly in times of need or want. It’s not a big deal unless you want it to be or make it out to be.

I’ve caught guys I’ve been dating watching porn, and when I’m not feeling as frisky as them, I let them do their thing, close the door, and let them have their “me” time, and if I was, sometimes I’d join in. I never saw it as a competition with the porn cast or having to do with lack of love or attraction towards me because that’s never what it was. I always saw it as a kind of “entertainment for the genitals.” And women, don’t act like none of you own a rabbit or a bullet!

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Chloe Jeffreys August 13, 2014 at 10:00 am

Jenna, this seems like a very rational approach to the issue. I think porn isn’t always a big deal. And I’m skeptical that making it a big deal helps anyway.

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tjek3 August 10, 2014 at 8:30 pm

I think some women really over think this. I’m sure why a lot of men watch porn is to pop one off as quick as possible. Most men want to fulfill the needs of their wives in bed so therefore they’re basically having a quicky without pissing of their wives. I actually came across this because one time I watched a porn where they were actually making love or at least they did a good job at faking it, and I was trying to find more like that.

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Chloe Jeffreys August 13, 2014 at 10:09 am

I’m going to agree with you. I think sometimes porn is just a quick thing to use for a quick release. And when it is used that way I think it’s pretty much harmless.

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Don Dressel July 30, 2014 at 2:25 am

Man I cannot believe how many men would rather watch porn then make love to their wives and girlfriends! I would much rather make love to my wife then watch porn! I have never been a big fan of porn and maybe if men would take time out to turn off the lights light up some candles and turn on some soft romantic music they would be surprised how great the sex would be with their other half!

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Sandra Montana July 26, 2014 at 8:03 pm

Men always defend themselves by saying it is no big deal when their wives find out about their viewing porn. I happen to think it is a big deal because it is often done in secret and it hurts their wives making them feel inadequate and they lose that sense of trust and security in their marriage. Men always justify it saying that they are hard wired that way but research suggests there is no difference in the reaction of the brains of men and women when viewing porn. Men are more visual is the excuse I hear all the time but so are females. We like to look at attractive men as much as men like to look at hot women. Perhaps we don’t undress them with our eyes the way men do to women but believe me we get excited too.
So why do men think it is their right to look and fantisize about other women when they are married and somehow that is okay. I don’t believe it is moral or healthy in a marriage and women who watch porn with their husbands are just giving him permission to fantisize about having sex with someone other than themselves and are nothing but the receptical of that interaction. Remember one woman can never compete with so many different young girls no matter how attractive you are. Have respect for yourself and encourage him to do the same.

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Janet June 30, 2014 at 6:47 pm

My husband and and I have been together 14 years and are both in our 50’s We have talked about his watching porn many times and I have told him after the last time what bothers me the most is that he makes sure he deletes that part of his history. We have some sort of sex every night and in the morning when he gets up before me like 5:30 am he is watching it. We also are in the swing lifestyle but have not done anything in a long time with others and when we did he only liked to watch me with other men. He does have ED and between that and him watching porn and jacking off which he says he only does sometimes I feel like I am just not attractive to him. I have told him this and he says over and over again that I am and that he much prefers me than jacking off. I feel part of his ED problem is from this porn addiction. I have even told him that. So what I am trying to figure out is how do I get over this feeling of not being good enough. I have tried by going on to chat sites and having video cyber sex with other men just to get that feeling of being wanted sexually. So stupid I know. We have an amazing relationship other than I have this issue about him hiding it. I have even asked him to watch it with me but it never happens.

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Megan June 30, 2014 at 1:10 pm

Hey, I think the main issues that come up with porn are insecurities. My experience in the last several months has been a quickly denigrating sex life. I had a few fights with my boyfriend, during which he turned to pornography. After the fights blew over, he continued watching it frequently for several months. I always had a nagging suspicion and finally brought it up. Everything I suspected was confirmed, and had become worse than I thought.
Of course I came up with reasons like, “it objectifies women,” and so on. The real problem has been while my boyfriend blissfully has a wonderful sex life everyday, he I have been constantly unsatisfied and increasingly insecure. The real issue, to be honest, is he’s been watching porn a lot and I haven’t had a good orgasm in months. That’s a problem. For me, not him. So he get’s angry, and accuses me of being controlling. But to me, we we’re having a one-sided experience in the bedroom, where he was the satisfied one and I was developing huge self-esteem issues. He now blames me, saying its not his insecurities. We can’t find a common ground, and I think the relationship may be ending.
I don’t think porn is as big of a deal if a man is younger, has extra energy, is single, or if it’s infrequent and doesn’t effect his sex life. I’m not going to continue having an unfulfilling sex life while my partner is having a great relationship with himself.

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Janet June 30, 2014 at 6:51 pm

Wow sounds like my situation exactly. I hope some men jump in and give some advise on the thrill of porn.

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Andrew April 17, 2014 at 11:34 am

I don’t think women understand how persistent the male sex drive can be. From the time we wake up, to the time we go to bed, our minds are constantly bombarding us with sexual thoughts. About every 5 seconds or so. The only time l this stops is after an orgasm, maybe for 10 minutes if we’re lucky. If you let us, men would have sex with you all day, every day. Don’t believe me? Try it yourself. Next day that you and your guy have a day off together, see how many times you can initiate sex in one day.

Now most guys know that you don’t want that much sex, so we masturbate to take care of it ourselves.

As a man I can tell you that to most guys, porn is nothing more than a visual aid. It’s the same concept as a woman’s vibrator. It’s a tool to help facilitate masturbation.

If as a woman, you’re worried about how you measure up to a porn star, you’re missing the point: porn is nothing more than a visual aid. There’s no emotions behind watching porn, he’s not comparing a porn star to anyone, especially you. He’s with YOU and not a woman who looks like a porn star for a reason, for the same reason you oogle Brad Pitt or Clooney or whatever male movie star/model/singer ect. It’s a fantasy.

A fantasy, I might add, that he doesn’t gush over in front of you. Just some food for thought ladies.

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Chloe Jeffreys June 14, 2014 at 10:56 am

Thank you for commenting, Andrew. I think you are right. Younger women often like sex, even very much, but are not usually driven by sex as much as driven by the need for connection and securty. This makes perfect biological sense. If both men and women were thinking about sex all of the time how would our offspring survive?

Men’s biological imperative is to spread their genetic material far and wide, while the female drive is to ensure the few offspring they are able to create survive until adulthood.

I think what would be helpful for men and women who love each other is to try to understand one another better .
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Mary December 13, 2015 at 2:50 pm

You realy have outdated thoughts about men wanting to spead thuis seed and women wanting to nest. Biology has already falsefied this theory, there are many findings that show women could be even more sexual than men! I know I am very sexual and have high sexdrive, more than all the partners I have had so far! But now I’m done with men, internetporn has ruined them! I noticed the difference between now and twenty years ago, it’s not good!

Men who watch porn al lot, will come very obsessive about sex. Than they think it’s just healthy man-thing, but it can (and many times is) caused by there pornuse. So then they look at it more, and than they will think about sex more, so they look at it some more, and so on. I wanted to understand porn when I cought my ex with porn numerous times (just like all the story’s above). So I went to pornsites, but hated what was on there, those women were clearly not enjoying themselves! I could see their blanc stares, the discomfort in their eyes and faces. It made me very uncomfortable to watch those women like that. But then I found, and watched while mastrubating, some very handsome men (on a gay site, gay’s love beautiful men too) and the day after in class I was looking at the men very differently. I suddenly noticed their nipples thru their shirts, I noticed their musclusetone more and thru their shirts, and was wondering what it would look like when they jerk off, how big their dicks were. When I noticed what porn was doing to me, I chose to stop looking at it because it made me worry about where it would go if a little exposure can have that much of an effect on me. So I think men realy don’t realize how much their obsession with sex has to do with them watching porn.

If men are thinking of sex this much, why are they running the world? Why are they doing anything else at all? Men can just do one thing at the time, and if that thing is sex that takes all their attention, no wonder the world has become this mess!

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kim September 11, 2014 at 2:14 pm

Here’s where your wrong and why looking at porn is still wrong when your in a relationship.
A Utah State University study, for example, more than half of male users said looking at porn led to problematic outcomes—social, spiritual, psychological, or relational. These negative effects weren’t linked to viewing time—the men who watched porn frequently were just as likely to report problems as those who watched it less often.
The distinction between casual and problematic use may have less to do with frequency and more with masturbation. “The big kicker that people leave out of the equation is the ejaculatory response,” says Struthers. “This is what really stores the memory. When you have an orgasm, there’s a release of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, presumably to bind you to your partner. If you’re viewing pornography, your partner is the screen in front of you.”
When all those hormones are released, you’re conditioning the brain to bond and attach to those images.” This pleasurable surge, combined with “perceived enhancement” of real-world sex, can overshadow—even mask—any negative effects of porn, driving men to keep viewing it.

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Amanda November 14, 2014 at 6:39 pm

Kim, I was trying to find this same article! Thanks for posting!

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Samantha young January 16, 2014 at 2:49 am

Me and my boyfriend have been together for quite sometime now and we plan on getting married in the near future. I’ve caught him with porn on his phone and caught him watching it while in the shower and so on. I don’t like him looking at it because yes it does make me feel self conscious as I am not a picture perfect girlfriend. But he still looks at it, he tells me that men have urges and he can’t control it. I understand that but we never have sex, ever! I’m worried he is going to find that more stimulating than having actual sex with me. He has already told me that when we do other things that it sometimes feels better than having sex. And of course this hurts me so deeply. Because all I want to do is make him happy. What should I do as far as talking with him about this? Or how do I deal with this? I’m not sure what to do.

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Katie S January 13, 2014 at 6:47 pm

I know this is an old post, but I was doing some research for my own piece of mind. I’m getting married soon. I adore my man; I would do anything to help him and love him. Our sex life is very active and I feel like we are both insanely satisfied. But, it seems like whenever I go to work or am out, he just watches porn. It wouldn’t hurt my feelings so much if it didn’t interfere with things that I need help doing. He works irregular hours, but I work regular hours. I would love help around the house and just the thought to do something to help. He’ll do anything I ask him to, but he isn’t considerate enough to think about what else might help. HE just sits and does his thing. I’m trying to be supportive and loving, but honestly, it’s so taxing. I’ve changed a lot of my life plans and goals willingly to be supportive of him. I do feel inadequate; I don t feel like I will ever be enough. But even more so, I do feel like it means he doesn’t respect me enough to try to help me out. He doesn’t understand that I work so hard to make life great and I do not know how to bring it up to talk with him about it. I love him and I do not want to live life without him, but this is really challegning and stressful to me. Help please.

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Kim January 3, 2014 at 4:33 pm

My marriage ended because of porn. He left ME because I couldn’t be comfortable with it. But there were reasons for that that he heard me say but did not feel were valid. I see women everywhere I look. I am so tired of feeling concerned about how I measure up. He might tell me to get over it and I should not be insecure, but I’m not a machine. I remember him measuring his penis and telling me that I didn’t know what I was missing and he was insecure of himself because of the porn he watched, but when I told him how those women in porn made me feel, he told me I was just insecure. After I found the porn, things made sense. He kept insisting that I have no hair. He came on my face when I had no idea it was going to happen. He got rough a few times. And later I understood his focus on anal sex. I was just his porn star. And he had to keep his eyes closed. So was he with me, or the porn in his head? Yes, it is nice to get ideas, but can’t you come up with some together? There are so many stresses in life and to think that he was thinking of me and porn and how I should look like porn or do what’s in porn is upsetting. Because I never watched it, I didn’t for a second think I was missing out on anything with his size. So if it made him feel that way about that, then I’m sure he was wondering what he was missing out on my breast size, or the fact that I didn’t have time to be removing all the hair just to look like someone else. When he left, which he said was strictly because of my lack of acceptance because of porn made me realize that that was more important than all the other MAJOR things I did in his life. Put him through schools TWICE. Moved to a place I didn’t want to go for him. That makes porn pretty powerful, if after all that sacrifice, it was important enough to make him leave. My esteem now is even lower than it was during the marriage. When I hear people say that porn is no big deal, I can’t help but think of how I (and other women I find too) felt when I didn’t look like he wanted or didn’t like the things he wanted to do. Women have a lot of pressures on us because of how we see women used for everything under the sun. I can’t watch TV without seeing sexy women selling things. Actually, the women are being sold, not the item.

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Sheryl Gerke August 13, 2014 at 9:53 am

This is my life exactly. I am hurting so bad over this and don’t know how to get me back on track. I am 54, retired teacher, mother, grandmother, and partner. I have moved away from everything I know and take care of him while he is on the computer. I just want to be happy again.

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Chloe Jeffreys August 13, 2014 at 9:59 am

This doesn’t sound good at all, Sheryl. I’m worried for you. I think you need to make other life plans. It sounds like from what you’ve written here and in your other comment that he is using you. I’d suggest using the old Dear Abby, “Are you better off with him or without him?” question and make a determination for yourself about whether you should stay in a relationship that is making you so unhappy. Porn twice a day is not normal. I’m sorry, but it isn’t. Porn once in awhile? Probably not a biggee. I’m off the hysterical bandwagon on that one, but twice a day when he’s not having sex with you is a huge red flag. Hell, it’s a field of huge red flags. All waving in the same direction. Please find a counselor if you need help gathering the courage to create a life worth living. Because, sister, this ain’t it. Let me know how it goes.

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echidna60 November 14, 2013 at 10:54 pm

My husband and I have watched porn together on a few occasions and found it quite stimulating. I don’t think either one of us felt inadequate or worried that the other was imagining one of the on-screen characters as his/her partner.

However, we came to the conclusion that porn would no longer play a role in our sex life for this reason: Behind the characters on the screen were REAL people engaging in unsafe behaviors outside the perimeters we believe God set up to protect and provide for us as sexual human beings.

It would break our hearts if any of our sons or daughters were to enter the sex trade or make movies such as these. Why, then, would it be okay for us to in any way encourage other sons and daughters in this behavior? By viewing these movies or photos we were ourselves exploiting individuals who are deeply loved by their Creator.

I, too, love a good romance and fantasy is an active player in our very satisfying love life. But this is where we had to draw the line.

(This isn’t intended as a chastisement to any writers, commenters, or readers.)

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Chloe Jeffreys November 15, 2013 at 3:26 pm

Now I think this is a very healthy way to view porn. Pornography does include other human beings. We can objectify them if we’d like, but they really are people. And are we treating those people with love when we ogle them for our own pleasure? My husband and I also have decided that we don’t want other people in bed with us. For this reason things like erotica might be appropriate, but porn isn’t for us.

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Debbie Gruber October 2, 2013 at 12:04 pm

I just saw a wonderful movie about this exact topic, “Don Jon”. The lead character is a porn addict. I never thought much about why men watch porn, but the movie gives very interesting insight into the issue.

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Chloe Jeffreys October 3, 2013 at 8:19 am

Thanks for the recommendation. I’ll check it out.

I have found that many women are very quick to jump to the conclusion that a man is addicted to porn even if all he does is watch it occasionally. I think this fear of being labeled an addict does help drive this into secrecy which then only serves to make it more naughty, which can become a thrill in and of itself.

But there is such a thing as porn addiction. I just think it is over-diagnosed by women. Especially Christian woman.
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Amanda November 14, 2014 at 6:41 pm

Who the fuck are you Chloe Jeffreys, and why are you even on here?

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Chloe Jeffreys November 15, 2014 at 11:29 am

Um. This is my blog.
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Christopher James August 7, 2013 at 11:19 pm

Good thing I’m not in to porn… Much.
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Chloe Jeffreys October 3, 2013 at 8:14 am

This is a great comment. You’ve said so much with so little. Well done!

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Andrea V. Bruce July 27, 2013 at 12:50 pm

Stock up your wine collection Why It’ll Work: You probably know that a glass or two of red wine with dinner each night is good for your heart. A study in Italy (where else?) found that it can also spice up your sex life. The researchers found that women who drank two glasses of red wine each day wanted sex more frequently and experienced better natural lubrication during sex than women who drank less often. The scientists believe the polyphenols in wine may help improve blood flow down below. For more expert-led insight into the female mind, visit Men’s Health News every day.
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silver price July 18, 2013 at 10:20 pm

The desire to want sex has long been portrayed as a trait that men have and women don’t. But everyone likes to feel temptation and likes to feel tempting. Everyone likes to feel desired and desirous. For a variety of reasons, the “spark” seems to go out of a relationship; the passion gets lost amidst our busy lives. If you’re looking to improve your sex life, chances are you’re looking to rekindle the excitement you felt towards the beginning of your relationship.
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Julian Warren July 13, 2013 at 9:55 am

Pornography does not have to make women shudder; in fact, it could be quite a thrilling and interesting experience for both partners. Obviously, we’re not referring to the kinds of movies in which a pizza delivery guy shows up and gets lucky with six women. Most women need plots, however weak, in whatever they watch and porn is no exception to the rule. While it’s true that most women don’t watch porn because the men are ugly, it’s visual and contrived (among other reasons), a lack of plot is probably the greatest deterrent. With that in mind, you can be sure that the following will teach you how to use porn to improve your sex life. Porn, or the more acceptable “erotic movie,” can improve your sex life by increasing sexual pleasure and desire through stimulating visual images of positions and techniques. Not to mention auditory enhancers such as moaning, screaming for more and dirty talk . There are many advantages to blending porn movies into your sex life. Below is a list of the positive effects and ways you can use porn to improve your sex life, whether you’re in the midst of or at the beginning of a relationship.
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Milton Sullivan July 11, 2013 at 8:47 pm

So, I cannot emphasise enough that before you look at your sex life, you should look more generally at your relationship.
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Arlene L. York July 4, 2013 at 2:43 pm

5. No One Has a Care in the World. In the world of pornography, women are always enthusiastic and care nothing about pregnancy prevention, sexually transmitted disease , relationships or even their own fulfillment. In real life, anyone who doesn’t consider such things is completely clueless.
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Alyce D. Irwin June 27, 2013 at 1:27 pm

Pornography does not have to make women shudder; in fact, it could be quite a thrilling and interesting experience for both partners. Obviously, we’re not referring to the kinds of movies in which a pizza delivery guy shows up and gets lucky with six women. Most women need plots, however weak, in whatever they watch and porn is no exception to the rule. While it’s true that most women don’t watch porn because the men are ugly, it’s visual and contrived (among other reasons), a lack of plot is probably the greatest deterrent. With that in mind, you can be sure that the following will teach you how to use porn to improve your sex life. Porn, or the more acceptable “erotic movie,” can improve your sex life by increasing sexual pleasure and desire through stimulating visual images of positions and techniques. Not to mention auditory enhancers such as moaning, screaming for more and dirty talk . There are many advantages to blending porn movies into your sex life. Below is a list of the positive effects and ways you can use porn to improve your sex life, whether you’re in the midst of or at the beginning of a relationship.
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Suzanne June 24, 2013 at 9:08 am

You mentioned women feeling inadequate after seeing young, nubile things doing the nasty. Have you ever thought that a man with an “average” size penis might feel inadequate after seeing huge schlongs thrusting away “for hours”? I’d wager that more men have an average size penis rather than these jumbo dicks by the porn stars. I’d love to get a man’s opinion about THAT.
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Chloe Jeffreys June 24, 2013 at 7:23 pm

Frankly, I’ve always wondered about that, but I don’t think men compare themselves to other men the way women do. Somehow they are able to think they are that guy whereas a woman thinks, “I’m nothing like that woman.”

I’m not certain, but I suspect that’s the answer because otherwise how could porn be so popular?

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kim November 25, 2014 at 9:26 pm

actually i did not know my husband looked at porn, but he became very self conscious at one point and was telling me how I had no idea what i was missing and how inadequate he was. he would measure himself and tell me how bad he felt for being small. A few months later I found all this porn. Then i realized where his loss of confidence came from. What I don’t understand is that when I tried to tell him how it made me feel, he told me i was just insecure and got angry when I said i didn’t like it. I don’t see why we have to be ok with it. he ended up leaving me over it. And yet, he went through that period of feeling inadequate. I just don’t get it.

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Brenda June 24, 2013 at 6:10 am

Back in the day I used to listen to Dr Laura daily. One thing she repeated was that what happens in a consenting marital bedroom was ok in her book and that’s what I held on to for a long time. I set that aside for years while I was maturing as a Christian. We also had the “friend” drop off a huge box of reading material and I wasn’t pleased. I just made sure the “box of evil” wasn’t under my bed, giving me bad marriage jou-jou. And I told dh to keep it locked away from our curious daughter eyes. I found my Dad’s stash at a young age and have regrets about sneaking peeks with a childhood friend.

Eventually we moved and the box went to live with a single guy and I was self-rightously happy. More maturing happened, more marriage strengthening happened and AGE happened. Then peri-menoupause started and I said f*uck this and decided to get my groove back (with guidance from a fabulous role model 😉 ). Since then I’ve discovered the man I love doesn’t want to do anything sexual without me (WIN!) but wouldn’t mind watching adult material with me. And I’m ok with that. I’m going to Heaven when I die (OSAS is such a comfort, lol) and don’t really think I’m putting my witness at risk by enjoying my sex life with my husband.

But we still keep things locked up. My girls are young and aren’t ready to find it.

And oh my, I’m feeling risky at posting. But your conversations are important to me, so I’m participating.

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Chloe Jeffreys June 24, 2013 at 7:28 pm

You brave girl!

You and I have been participants (or spectators) in many conversations over the years about husbands looking at porn where I think the woman who shared ended up feeling very shamed and isolated afterwards. How does it help the woman to tell her that her husband is “cheating”? How does it help the woman to tell her that her husband probably has an addiction?

The stats are in and most men occasionally view porn. How are we to cope with this reality? And do we end up placing a heavier burden on the woman who is feeling less than or ashamed or worried that it means more than it probably does?

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Enchanted Seashells, Confessions of a Tugboat Captain's Wife June 23, 2013 at 9:23 pm

You are so brave! I’d be very reluctant to talk about this subject in a public forum where somehow, some way, my son or DIL might read it and be embarrassed! I’m just a prude, I guess. Oh well, last of a dying breed.

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Chloe Jeffreys June 23, 2013 at 9:26 pm

We talk about pornography with our kids. It’s a reality today for everyone.

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Kristi R. June 23, 2013 at 4:52 pm

What are your experiences with porn? I have watched it, as has my husband. It was never an overwhelming urge, nor even close to monthly for either of us, after marriage. I do not know nor I have I asked about before marriage.
Do you think it is just a normal part of being a man? I think it is in our culture. I know my dad and his buddies would watch it on guy weekends when they went fishing or hunting.
Would you be hurt if you found out your husband was viewing porn? No, unless it was taking the place of our sex life or he was doing it weekly or daily.
Do you take it personally if your husband views porn? No but we don’t watch it during our own sex.
Do you think women make a much bigger deal about porn than they should? Sometimes. It is situational and relational for each couple.
Is porn dangerous? I think it can be.
And what should, or can, we women do about it? I have no idea but freaking out that men view porn is not a good thing in general. Each situation may be different for how much it impacts a relationship, so I think the relationships that suffer from porn viewing are ones we should work on. I don’t know what that would look like, though.

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Chloe Jeffreys June 24, 2013 at 7:30 pm

I agree that the years of freaking out I’ve seen haven’t helped many women. I highly doubt many men stopped viewing it because women on the internet told other women that it’s “cheating” or an “addiction”.

Not that there aren’t cases of this going on, but I don’t think most men who view porn are addicted to it. And why do we jump to that conclusion when a woman shares that she’s found out her husband has viewed it?

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Carol Cassara June 23, 2013 at 4:51 pm

Men? I don’t think it’s exclusive to men. Women watch porn, too, couples watch it together—and I see nothing wrong with it as an extension of an IRL sex life. Or, if you have no partner, an aid to your solo sex life.

Porn allows you to do things in your head that you wouldn’t be able to do in IRL, either because it’s too complicated, unsafe OR you just don’t want to do it IRL. (let’s define porn as depicting sex between consenting adults, just to be clear–not animals, not kids, not violence, not rape fantasy)

I think there’s just too much made of what is for most people just a normal behavior. Yes, I know that there are people who take it too far, just like there are people who take drinking, drug and IRL sex too far. And I’ve read a lot about that and the heartache their partners face, so I’m not naive about it.

But I’m talking about porn as an extension of a regular sex life. Just not a problem to me, for me. I know this isn’t going to be popular, but it’s what I think.

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Chloe Jeffreys June 24, 2013 at 7:32 pm

I know that women watch porn, too. But not to the degree that men do. And I’ve never, ever been involved in a conversation where men were talking about how troubled they are about their wives looking at porn. Maybe it is happening, but not anywhere I’ve ever been.

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Art November 19, 2014 at 10:12 am

I think you make an important point that many seem to miss. Porn is fantasy and like any fantasy product can help us escape the stress, boredom, or complexities of the real world, if only for a few moments. It’s far safer than depending on drugs for escape. It can help keep us sane and invigorated. I’m sure the people in Shakespeare’s time appreciated his lighter plays, such as “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” for these same reasons. Why make such a big deal out of something as natural as human sexuality and the need to express it.

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Nancy June 23, 2013 at 4:27 pm

Surely you’re not so innocent as to think that we women don’t fantasize about having sex with other men (or women) that they know or would like to know? Are you telling me you’ve never read an erotic story and rubbed one off? Ok, maybe you haven’t (poor thing!), but other women have and do.

Both sexes have their versions of porn. For men it’s usually visual, for women it’s more literary or pure fantasy. For either side, it’s only a problem when it intrudes on the relationship. When your partner would rather watch or read or imagine sex than have sex with you, then it’s a problem.

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Chloe Jeffreys June 24, 2013 at 7:33 pm

For some women any amount of viewing feels like an intrusion to them.

I do like a good romance. The major difference for me is that my husband doesn’t mind at all, in fact he likes it when I read romances. I can’t say I feel the same about porn.

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Douglas Snow December 15, 2014 at 3:26 pm

What women basically do not understand about men’s masturbatory and porn-watching activities is that they are PRIVATE–like farting and nose-picking. The fact is, men have such privacies, such compelling need to be left completely alone with their own bodies, their own fantasies, and the pornography (usually the newest or the latest) that they have chosen just for themselves–which would simply be ruined by being shared. Evidently women have no such need, or not in the same degree. So? He won’t love you any the less if you leave him alone when he wants to be alone.

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Mary December 13, 2015 at 3:22 pm

Yes, manny men do love us less when they turn to porn. And we also love them less when they love the porn more than they care about us. If he wants a maid who can cook and clean for him while he’s being allone with his needs, go hire a maid than and stay single. Men don’t NEED porn, but I do accept their fantasies!
Porn is not fantasy, it’s filmed reality! You can’t film fantasy, fantasy is in the head. As soon as it is acted out, is has become reality. Stop talking nonsense when it comes to porn!

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lia December 22, 2014 at 4:11 pm

I think it can be very hurtful to some people to lie, watch porn behind their back, etc. I feel that I have a right to choose the kind of person I will spend my life with. So in my opinion, when I’m dismissed, labeled as overreacting or being insecure I feel like others are saying I don’t have a choice… because “every man does it.” (Which I don’t think is true for Every man) I think it should be discussed honestly when talk about sex starts…like mature adults. Give the person the ability to know who you actually are and what is part of your life.
We discuss morality, religion, sex, why not our honest porn consumption when its part of our daily lives??? The other person has to live with it too and it obviously can effect them. Telling women to shut up or that it’s normal won’t change the effect.
For some people it’s a morality issue. They wouldn’t be with someone who lacked greatly in other moral areas…such as stealing. If you want to steal then fine but maybe i don’t want to be with someone who does that…or maybe someone who drinks. I think the other person has a right to choose and it should be an open thing. If it has to be hidden and its that bad where you are afraid that someone would reject you because of it then find someone who likes it. Dont lie about who you are to get in the door. I dont see any problem with it if both people are into it.

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Tara September 8, 2016 at 5:26 am

Martin,
Thanks for the advice on how to communicate with my man. I hear you on the respect thing, and yes I’m sure I’ve given respect even if it wasn’t earned. I see what your saying. To clarify, I haven’t stopped respecting him. And he treats me wonderfully, we have an awesome, hot sex life, that has never changed and porn hasn’t changed his demeanor or attitude at all. I had no idea he even looked until I found it! I don’t THINK he’s an addict, I gave done all the research on porn and read about signs of addiction and so far haven’t seen any of that. But I don’t ask him about it anymore because like you pointed out, I beat the porn dead horse so much it’s not even worth it to keep on. Plus my man has gotten to where he doesn’t want to talk about it. I know I brought that on because of my
“womanly”communication. I figure all I can do now is let it go, accept what is, and if I notice anything that changes that are signs of porn probs I will address just like you suggested, that he needs to work on it for his health.
Great arguments you make, nice to see a mans perspective!

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Matin September 8, 2016 at 2:38 pm

Tara, good to hear your sex life is good, as that is a GOOD sign. He has not retreated into porn. That would be a very bad sign. Best keep an eye on things. Porn is like alcohol: A person can drink without being an alcoholic. Just watch for pulling away and a big drop in sex. And don’t let this hurt you. You GOTTA understand, men don’t think like you do. Porn is completely separate from YOU. It is NOT a bad reflection on you. Having just said that, porn and you might intersect at some point in the future. Even the best sex can get stale. Again, not a reflection on you, and you may find you and your man turning to porn, likely the most tasteful type to “spice things up”. That again is normal.

So, overall, you don’t seem to be in a bad spot. It was more the shock/hurt/worry going on. Really understanding men compartmentalize this stuff is key. He isn’t being an insensitive jerk. He doesn’t understand/believe you are hurt, as he does not believe you SHOULD be hurt. Men do the same thing to women that women do to men: Assume that you think the way they do. So he thinks that you should GET that this is different from that. That porn is just a separate thing from you. So back to the alcohol analogy, when/if it becomes a thing, you will see the signs. Oh, and enjoy that good sex, LOL.

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Martin September 8, 2016 at 2:42 pm

It is really odd how many times I have dropped the r out of my name here on the various parts of this blog. Weird, LOL.

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Tara September 8, 2016 at 3:34 pm

Ha!! I might have done that on accident, but I’m pretty sure you left the R in ?
Lol!! Thanks, I’m definately enjoying the sex ??
Yes that’s the only way at this point to handle it, just make sure it doesn’t develope into something more. Your right, he flat out told me that it had nothing to to with me. That I do it for him, I’m so sexy, etc. it was what you said, to spice things up for him a bit. I’ve watched it and looked at it before with him, and it’s cool.
So are you a therapist or something? You’ve been through this before? Married? Sorry and you don’t have to answer, just curious as to why your giving your 2-cents ?

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Martin September 8, 2016 at 4:32 pm

Hey Tara, first off, REALLY enjoyed our conversation. Good points back and forth. And sure, I can answer a few questions. No, I have not been through this specifically. I have looked at porn, pictures really, going way back, and with the easy access provided by the internet, more live action stuff within the last 5 years. (Back in the day, tapes or DVD’s never appealed to me. And, porn was pretty crappy. It REALLY has progressed in type, variety, and quality. Not all is quality of course, but where you find it, it is quite something.) Over the last year, I became aware of porn addiction, and have been trying to cut back. It has its’ ups and downs, and I have been engaging much more with LIVE women. !!! But I can certainly attest to the hold it can get on a man. I am 55, divorced 14 years after a 5 year marriage. I had, unfortunately, married a woman with a Neurotic Personality Disorder, and sociopathic behavior. Back when we met, I would not have known what NPD was. Now, I am a bit of an expert. In fact I had been having long conversations with a lady a few weeks ago, and I identified her as one as well. Chilling. Very smart, very nice, very….. inviting. These folk really do present nicely. But, it was there.

So my marriage ended due to NPD, not porn. NPD also compelled my ex to attack the relationship between my daughter and myself, and after 10 years, it worked. I no longer have a relationship with my daughter. So my marriage crashed and burned, and various other things in my life all went to crap one after another. As for marriage, I am not too big on it anymore, I CERTAINLY would not do it again, but, oddly, I do really pull for those who are in there plugging away at it. ?? This is what led me here.

Well, actually, I have been part of Chloe’s blog for some years. But only one part. The “God does not have a wonderful plan for your life” part. Then I looked at the sidebar and saw other stuff and decided to peruse. So I started exploring. Your post caught my eye…. what you were saying, and how you were saying it. So I thought, let’s chime in here and see if I can be helpful. (Not all of my posts are nice, or, polite. Ahem.) In the end, I think you are really at the same point as you were, but I think I may have affirmed what you were already thinking, always a plus, and perhaps helped a little with a mans’ perspective.

So, in the end, I am just a guy who has been through the ringer, but my helpful nature makes me want to share insights here and there, hoping it will help. 🙂

And once again Tara, lovely talking to you, and good luck to you and your husband. 🙂

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Tara September 8, 2016 at 6:21 pm

Oh wow!!! I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through such rough times. I hope the best for you. You did help me see that I’m on a good way with this, and appreciate your help. Yes, I read a few of your other posts, you were very blunt ?
But I’m glad we were able to communicate on a respectful way, and I agree it was good to talk with you too.
Much happiness to you! And thanks for the well wishes on my marriage.

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