The other day I was chatting with my friend Steve–may his blog rest in peace–and he suggested that I ought to tighten up my blog and focus on something. We got to talking about things I could focus on and when he found out that I’m a labor and delivery nurse with 20+ experience in childbirth he mentioned that maybe I should write more about childbirth.
After I stopped howling with laughter, I told him that there are only two types of people on the internet who write about childbirth:
1) People who are too stupid to know any better (For informational purposes, I was going to link to some of the most ignorant websites on childbirth out there, but I refuse to give these dangerously stupid people any link juice.)
2) Fanatics (Once again, no linky juice for nutjobs. And don’t be deceived; each side has its share of crazy.)
Or, I guess there is a third group:
3) Masochists who love getting hate mail
Even Raynor, when I asked him, “Raynor, should Mommy start writing about childbirth on her blog?” emphatically answered:
To run a blog about birth a person would either need to have the brain of a gnat or the skin of a rhino (maybe both).
And then it occurred to my little gnat-brain after Steve and I talked, “Hell, this is what I know the most about. Maybe I can write about it.”
So I decided to test out my hypothesis that only a crazy-ass fool who likes being called names and having themselves compared to Nurse Ratched or Himmler would ever willingly talk about childbirth on the internet. (Of course I didn’t trial that here on my own blog. I’m not that stupid. No. I trialed it by commenting on other people’s birth blogs.)
Just as I suspected, people are extremely passionate about childbirth and nothing you say will please everyone. From hard-won experience I know that it’s nearly impossible to find a reasonable middle ground where birth is concerned and if you are successful your only reward will be that you’ll be pelted with rotten tomatoes twice as often because both extremes will then hate your guts.
For instance, let’s say that I write something wild like:
Epidurals are okay.
That sort of statement will get my inbox filled with angry protests that go sort of like this,
“Don’t you know that epidurals lead to all these unnecessary c-sections and poor breastfeeding? How can you say that they are okay? You’re one of those control freaks–like that bitch nurse I had when my baby was born–who goes around robbing every woman of her birth experience!!! What are you? Some sort of Nurse Ratched?”
Oh yeah. Trust me. You say anything about birth from a professional point of view on an amateur birth groupie blog and you’ll be told in no time flat that you are just like that bitch nurse they had when they gave birth.
It happens with such frequency that there should be some corollary to Godwin’s Law explaining it.
I’ll call it Chloe’s Law (Remember, this here is my kingdom and I can call it Chloe’s Law if I wanna).
Chloe’s Law goes like this:
The longer an online birth discussion goes on, the probability that Chloe will be compared to that bitch nurse who took care of you when you had your baby approaches 1.
Or let’s try the other side and say that I say something equally as radical. Something like:
Unmedicated childbirth can be a transformative and empowering experience that can be compared to climbing Mt. Everest.
Say that and you’ll be called a birth extremist who enjoys making women who get epidurals feel shitty about themselves and then you’ll have Chloe’s Law with a Godwin twist:
“You remind me of that bitch nurse I had when I was in labor who wouldn’t get me my G-D epidural! (by the way, people who don’t get their desired epidurals cuss a LOT!) How dare you force women to undergo needless pain for no damned good reason! What are you? Some sort of birth Nazi?”
And it isn’t limited to childbirth.
Even though I have decades worth of experience helping women breast and bottle feed their newborns, I best not say anything about that topic either.
Say for instance that I mention the scientific fact that breastmilk is the best feeding option for almost all infants.
Even if I can provide links to numerous well-funded research studies from organizations like the US Department of Health and Human Services, the World Health Organization, or the National Institute for Health, I’d best be ready to be told that I am “a judgmental Nipple Nazi who ought to mind her own freaking business.”
Conversely, if, for instance, I were to say something like, “It is better for a baby to be loved and bottle-fed than breastfed and resented,” then I better be ready to hear, “Don’t you care that babies DIE from formula? What are you? Some sort of shill for Big Pharma!”
Because the social imperative today is: Never make anyone feel bad about anything. Ever.
Heaven forbid anyone ever feel guilty about any of the choices they’ve made since all choices are equal and if you say that just maybe they aren’t then you are an intolerant bitch with some sort of ax to grind.
No, Steve, I was right the first time. Only a moron or a masochist would ever write about childbirth online. That’s crazy talk.